6. Jennifer

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November passed by in a blink of an eye, like the METRO light rail trains that came and went every ten minutes. My attention was divided evenly between managing all the responsibilities that came with directing the play and studying for the upcoming exam season in January. There were still a few months to go, but I was determined to practice better study habits and not procrastinate, especially when potential scholarships were hinging on those results. Having that monetary support would mean a lot to my mother, who was already working at her limit. College was expensive and I wanted to help lessen her workload.

Before I knew it, Christmas music was playing on the radio stations to signal the beginning of December. With the festive season fast approaching, most of the city switched into Christmas mode with its decorations. Colorful lights adorned the trees that lined both sides of Hennepin Avenue. Over in Saint Paul, the other half of our Twin Cities, Rice Park transformed into a massive flickering forest of Christmas lights. People went around the city to purchase gifts for the names on their shopping lists. Everyone was buzzing about Christmas.

Christmas was a time of celebrations, and while everyone had a slightly different reason for celebrating, the season always represented one thing: time together with family and friends. That was one of the main reasons why most people enjoyed Christmas, but for a small part of the population who lacked in both categories, the holiday also brought a subtle but noticeable sense of loneliness. I loved the charming decorations but aside from that, there weren't many things that made Christmas memorable for me.

Madison was my only close friend and the only one I made plans with for the holidays. Aside from the few days that we scheduled, however, my winter break was filled with reading. Basically most of my spare time was dedicated to reading. Occasionally people would invite me to a party, but that kind of environment wasn't something that I enjoyed, so I never bothered going to any of them. Being extroverted and social just wasn't my strength. I wasn't a Madison, a Caleb or even a Nick for that matter, but it was quite alright. I had long learned to accept the fact and move on.

The family aspect of Christmas was also incomplete, though my mother and I tried our best to fill the void left by my father. We baked cookies and watched movies and did things that most families did for Christmas, but still, I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. My parents divorced when I was six and I lived with my mother ever since. That was the way that things went. Just the two of us, for the past twelve years and counting. While my father remarried out east in New York, my mother and I decided to stay here in Minnesota.

To his credit, my father had kept contact by periodically sending me emails. Most of the content was small talk, asking us about our current conditions or letting us know about his situation. I learned that his second wife was named Helen and that they had a five-year-old boy named Elliot.

I wasn't mad at my father; I understood that the divorce was mutually agreed upon. From what I could remember, my father was a caring and patient man. He never showed signs of aggression, abused any sort of substance or cheated on my mother. They were just two good people who weren't meant for each other so they separated.

Still, his absence led me to constantly wonder about family life. I was a curious person with questions about everything, and none more so than relationships around me. How would my childhood change with my father in the picture? How would it be like to have Christmas as a whole family? How could I learn from my parents' mistake and find a relationship that lasts? I never really had answers for those questions, but it was worth the thought.

As I sat on my bed, contemplating these questions for the umpteenth time with the latest John Green novel in my hand, my phone began to ring. Madison. There were a few names in my contacts, but some never had a reason to call me - Nick - and others were emergency help lines like 911. The only actual valid contact in my contacts was Madison, who represented the vast majority of my call history.

I picked up the phone from my desk and answered on the third ring. "Hello?"

"Hey, Jen. What are you up to?" Madison's cheery voice came over the line as always.

"I'm just reading." As usual.

"Do you want to put the book down and go shopping with me?" Madison asked slyly.

That was an interesting proposition, even from someone like Madison. It was a Thursday evening, just a few minutes past seven, so not a typical shopping time. Of course, Madison never needed a reason or a particular date to shop. Even so, it was odd for her to ask on a school night, especially when winter break was right around the corner.

"What's the occasion?"

"Nick is hosting a Christmas party and the theme is ugly Christmas sweaters. I have to find a nice sweater for the party."

"Don't you already have one?" I faintly remember Madison owning a Christmas sweater with a dog on it, though the details slipped my mind. Christmas sweaters had never been Madison's thing, but since Nick is organizing a party revolving around it, his girlfriend wasn't going to hesitate to get her cheer on.

"You mean the Santa Paws one? It's too small for me now. That was like, five Christmases ago."

I lacked the motivation to get out of bed, especially since the warmth of my two blankets was keeping me cozy. "Can't we go when school finishes in a week or so?"

"The party is on the first Saturday after school is out, so there's no time."

"What about this Saturday then?"

"You know what the mall is like. It's going to be packed on the weekends. I don't want to wait thirty minutes in line for a Christmas sweater." Madison's tone shifted to a more playful voice, and I knew something was up. "Besides, there is a sale running until tomorrow on these sweaters. Buy one, get one fifty percent off."

There was the catch. No wonder Madison was so determined on getting me to go with her. She wasn't about to pass up on a sale involving an item on her wish list.

"I don't even need a Christmas sweater."

"What do you mean, Jennifer? You're also invited to the party. I know for a fact that you don't own Christmas sweaters."

"I'm not going."

"Why not?" Even by the sound of her voice, I could tell that Madison was pouting. "It's going to be a lot of fun!"

I didn't bother explaining to Madison that it was only fun when you knew people. She wouldn't understand. An extrovert had difficulties stepping into an introvert's shoe. When being sociable came natural to people, they couldn't fathom why it would be difficult for others. It couldn't be helped. Talent bred ignorance.

While the same logic could be used to explain Caleb's despicable behavior, their ignorance differed in a fundamental way. Madison didn't claim to be better than others. She tried, but failed to understand my position. Caleb didn't even bother to think about others. That was the reason I favored one over the other, and by a sizable margin.

"I just don't want to go, Maddie. You know parties aren't my thing."

"You should go to one or two. It's a great way for you to meet new people."

That was likely going to be part of my New Year's resolution: being more engaged in the student community. I really wanted to increase interactions with others aside from Madison. However, I didn't think that this was the crowd I wanted to begin with.

"The whole hockey team is going to be there, right?"

Madison hesitated. "Yes."

"And the cheerleaders?"

An even longer pause. "Yes."

"Madison, you know how I feel about these people. They were the reason I thought about switching schools."

I was the subject to bullying throughout middle school. Those were the worst days in my memory. Nothing but a constant swirl of verbal abuse. There was never a physical part to it, but it still felt suffocating.

My mental strength was never strong to begin with, and I caved in to the pressure. I would not participate in anything inside or outside of class, and when I made it home, all I did was cry. My mother was concerned enough to take me to the doctor's, and after a series of screening questions and tests, Dr. Cameron suggested that I might be dealing with depression and anxiety.

The cause of this could never be attributed fully to the bullying. After all, a variety of factors could have also influenced my health. It went without question, though, that this incident had a major impact on worsening my condition.

I considered switching schools and allowing myself a fresh start, but ultimately decided to stay as that was when I met Madison. She was absolutely vital in getting me through those two years.

Admittedly, I was skeptical of her at the start. Madison Wagner was one of the school's cheerleaders after all. It wasn't until at least two months had passed before I was able to feel comfortable around her. She was like an older sister, standing up to the bullies for me.

For someone who was vehemently against hockey players and cheerleaders, it was quite interesting how the only two people I really talked to fell into those categories. Nick and Madison were the exceptions to my rule.

Madison was keen on introducing more exceptions to the rule. "Not all of them are bad, Jen."

"Most of them are."

"There's going to be other people there." Madison was never going to go down without a fight.

"I don't even know them."

"That's why you go to parties and meet new people!"

"They probably have their own groups and cliques." Throwing up defenses came natural to me. I had been doing it my whole life.

Madison sighed in defeat. "I don't get you, Jen. You want to meet new people and make friends, but you don't want to go out and socialize."

"It's not that easy sometimes."

"You'll never know if you never try," Madison half sang. I recognized the line as one of Adele's lyrics.

I mulled over Madison's words. Was the reward of making new friends worth the risk of renewed humiliation? Worse yet, could I risk relapse into depression? Those negative thoughts had disappeared since the dark days of middle school, but it was not easy. I was, and always will be, at risk of falling back into that toxic pattern.

The answer that came to mind was to hold my ground and decline the invitation to the party. Playing things safe was my way of dealing with complicated issues. The option with the least possible issues was the most attractive to me.

I was about to voice my thoughts when Madison suddenly spoke up. "Please come to the party, Jen. I really want you to come and have fun and meet new people. I want you to step out of your shell."

That was the turning point. If there was one thing I hated more than risky decisions, it was letting others down. I didn't want to be anyone's burden. While Madison never missed a party because of my absence, I couldn't help but feel like I was dragging down her social life.

Perhaps I was overstating the risk of attending this Christmas party. Like Madison said, there were plenty of people. There was no reason for the bullies to zero in on me. Nick wouldn't allow for that anyway. If I just stay within Madison and Nick's range during the night, there shouldn't be too many issues. There was also the opportunity of meeting new people. That was quite enticing.

"I'll go."

"That's my best friend!" Madison's voice was bursting with excitement. "I'll come over and we'll go pick out some sweaters, okay?"

"Okay. See you soon, Maddie."

***

December 21st.

That was the day in the year with the least amount of sunlight. In other words, this was the darkest day of the year.

Coincidentally, it was also the day of the party.

Madison and I arrived at Nick's place about an hour before the party was scheduled to begin. There were quite a few things to organize, and while Nick was a rather efficient person, extra help made the process a lot smoother.

When we walked through the door, Mr. and Mrs. O'Connor were just putting on their jackets. They had generously given Nick full control over the house for the night. In return, Nick had bought them tickets to the hockey game.

"Hello, Madison. Always nice to see you." Mrs. O'Connor greeted us at the door with a quick hug.

"It's so nice to see you too," Madison replied.

"And you must be Jennifer."

"Hi," I offered tentatively.

"Well, Nick is in the kitchen working away at the turkey. I am sure that he'll appreciate some help. We're headed off to the hockey game." The O'Connors put on their toques and gloves and headed for the door.

"Have fun!" Madison called out.

"You as well!" Mrs. O'Connor replied and shut the door behind her.

We took off our shoes, hung up our coats and walked into the house. The living room was the first place we encountered and judging by the design, this was quite a neat place.

A long brown sofa faced the large television mounted on the wall. On either side, the beige walls were decorated with photos of the family and individual pictures of Nick. A trophy cabinet rested by the fireplace, which was already crackling, and it contained some of Nick's finest achievements. Medals and certifications lined the two shelves.

"You seem to get along well with Nick's parents," I noted.

"Nick's mother is such a sweetheart. We have lots to talk about. Nick's father is a lot more reserved, but he is always a great guy. Very dependable."

"Do I hear someone talking about my family?" Nick's voice drifted into our conversation from the kitchen.

"That's right," Madison answered as we walked into the kitchen. Nick was making his best attempt at carving the turkey, but it was a lot messier than expected. "I'm telling Jennifer how sweet your parents are."

Nick laughed. "They are quite amazing, if I must say so myself."

"Can't say the same for you though," Madison joked. Nick made a face and the two laughed it off.

"Nice to see you, Jennifer," Nick addressed me. "I like your sweater."

"Thank you." Madison had picked it out for me. A simple red sweater with a few reindeers on the front. "I like yours too."

Nick and Madison had coordinated their outfits. Both of them wore a green sweater with a stocking on their chest. The only difference was that Nick's stocking said naughty and Madison's stocking said nice.

Nick chuckled. "Madison's idea. Not mine. I didn't even get to see my sweater until yesterday."

"Well do you like it?" Madison asked, though she knew the answer.

"I love it."

The setup went by rather smoothly. Most of the food was pre-cooked and only needed a bit of heating. Madison and I took care of the decorations to transform the house into a winter wonderland. Strings of stars adorned the walls and various ornaments made the tree much more festive. As the final touch, Nick hooked up the sound system and Christmas music filled the house.

By eight o'clock,the guests started trickling into the house. I recognized the faces of some but not their names. These students weren't really involved with any of the clubs.

The light crowd made for a nice, intimate party atmosphere. Unlike Daisy Buchanan, I quite enjoyed a smaller setting. It was much easier to know people in this environment.

A few of us chatted around the kitchen table over a plate of turkey and tater tot hotdish. I began to find the party enjoyable. The company had been great. Aside from Madison, Nick and the students involved in the drama production, I was meeting new people from other areas in school.

There was Rodney, an African-American student who played the saxophone for the school band. There was Owen, a curly haired boy whose favorite hobby was baking chocolate chip cookies. There was Emma, a tall brunette with a particular aptitude for singing. It was fun to learn about all these people and their interests.

I was quickly immersed into the party atmosphere. Every inkling of doubt I had about coming to the party disappeared into the conversations. It was actually quite a fun night.

And then they came.

Luke Anderson. Olivia Davis. Mason Theodore. Charlotte Meyer. The rest of them walked in behind in one massive group. Their names were basically etched into my memory.

With the arrival of these people, the party atmosphere shifted from a casual hangout to a full scale dance club. The Christmas music was replaced by trending hits. People were jumping everywhere like monkeys. Something smashed off in the distance.

I noticed that cans of beers were being smuggled in. Of course, none of us were of legal drinking age but fake identification was not difficult to acquire. Some people openly bragged about it at school.

The scene slowly turned into complete mayhem so I made my escape into the kitchen. A few other people were making small talk over plates of food. I filled my plate with food, grabbed a bottle of water and searched for a place to sit.

Most seats were occupied but I spotted an unoccupied chair off to the corner. An ideal location for me to enjoy my food in peace. There was a blonde boy in a red Santa sweater sitting in the other chair, half turned away from me, but his quiet demeanor and focus on his food meant that he shouldn't be an issue.

I walked over to the table. "Excuse me. Is this seat taken?"

The boy just was in the process of eating his turkey, so he was unable to provide a response. He simply motioned for me to sit and I did just that.

"There's quite a lot of people," I remarked, trying to start a conversation.

The blonde looked up lazily, half curious, and I began to recognize some of those familiar features. The strategically messy tousles, the sapphire blue eyes, the distinct jawline. The same features that made my heart skip a beat now also made me roll my eyes.

Caleb Dawson.

He swallowed his food and smiled. Not the cocky grin I remembered from the movies, but a regular human smile. "Hi, Jennifer."

"Hi."

Caleb gestured towards the crowd. "It's quite busy tonight, isn't it?"

"It is."

"I am glad that you decided to come."

"Okay."

I wanted to keep our interaction level to a minimum. We didn't have much in common, in both interests and social circle. The only tiny overlap between us was that my best friend was dating his. It didn't mean that we had to become friends.

"Jennifer." Being addressed by name caught me by surprise. I looked up from my plate of food and made direct eye contact. Caleb looked rather apologetic, though I wasn't sure why.

"I'm sorry about stepping on your manuscript."

I was surprised that he even remembered it. That was over a month ago. Since then, Nick had laborious repaired most of the damages and I worked around the words that couldn't be restored. Rehearsals had begun without a hitch and that minor hiccup had already been forgotten.

"It's fine. You didn't do much harm."

"That's good to hear. I didn't mean to be inconsiderate. That was a bad day for me and I guess I wasn't paying attention to my actions."

Curiosity drew me into a conversation, against my better judgment. "What happened?"

"I was tossed out of the game that night for fighting."

"I remember that." Madison and I were there to witness the event. I wasn't very impressed by the

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