The Ex

I was going out of my mind. I was glued to the spot where Levi had left me, unable to move even as my mind told me to go, run after him, and tell him... Tell him what? What could I say that would change his mind? And if I did want him to change it, why? For what very reason?

Levi was right to think that he was wrong about me. I judged him, and judged him poorly. My insides churned as I thought of how badly I treated him, not just tonight, but all those times when I had been with Jake.

Lost in my own thoughts, a quiet knock on the door startled me. Could it be? Had he come back to hear me out after all? Perhaps this time I could tell him that I did indeed see the caring, thoughtful, intelligent man within. I stepped forward to open the door. My heart pounded and reminded me what I truly felt for him. Perhaps, this time I could tell him how I had fallen...

I turned the knob and sucked in the air in my lungs when I opened the door.

Jake stood with his hands in his pockets, looking all sorts of tired and weary. How long had it been since Levi left? Had Jake seen him?

"Are you gonna ask me in?" Jake asked shyly.

"Oh, yeah, of course." I moved aside to let him pass through. I craned my neck around to see if there were any shadows lurking in the hallway, hoping that maybe Levi would turn up again. But there was nothing but silence and semidarkness. Feeling desolate and dejected, I closed the door and turned to face Jake.

He chose to sit on the bed, shoulders rolled forward, looking beaten inside and out. I hesitantly moved towards him. When he tilted his head up, I could see that he hadn't even cleaned his wounds.

"Jake, your face." I placed a hand under his chin and moved his head from side to side, taking in the broken features of a broken man.

He let out a little chuckle. "You should have seen the other guy."

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? That's what you're going for?"

His lopsided smile disappeared, and he lowered his eyes. "Sorry, Nica."

"We'd better clean it up before it gets infected." I didn't wait for his answer. I walked to the closet to take out the mini first aid kit I carried around with me.

I gasped as I opened the closet door. The scent of a man hit me with full force. A mixture of sandalwood, musk and bergamot evoked feelings and conjured up memories. Levi's shirt was hanging in the closet. And his overnight bag was sitting underneath it on the floor. All I wanted to do at that moment was to take that shirt and press it on my skin. I inhaled and choked out a sob.

Blinking away tears that were threatening to fall, I breathed a sigh as I unzipped my luggage to take out my kit. But even as I closed the closet door, Levi's scent had infused into me. I had to clear my head. Jake was in the room, needing my help. I needed to focus. I turned to the bathroom to get Jake a wet towel.

The scent in the bathroom almost did me in. I was teetering precariously on the edge of crazytown. The scent of lavender and vanilla hung in the air, reminding me that Levi had been sweet and thoughtful enough to run me a bath earlier that day. I wished I had pulled him in with me. I wished I hadn't gone to that dinner. I wished. I wished...

When I returned from the bathroom, Jake had flopped down on the bed. The lights of the city coming through the window illuminated his face. His arm was propped over his forehead as he stared out into Paris at night.

Sensing my reappearance, he turned his head. "Beautiful view." I was sure he meant the city, but my stomach flipped by what those words could have meant, coupled by that agonizingly sexy look on his face.

No, he only meant that the cityscape was beautiful. Nothing else. My mind tamped down any other possibilities. I was beginning to tire of this game.

I went around the room, turning on every single light source there was. I wasn't afraid of the dark. I was afraid of what could happen in subdued lighting with my ex. "I need to see better." Jake hadn't asked for an explanation but I felt the need to give one anyway.

After zipping open the first aid kit, I sat on the edge of the bed and ordered Jake to sit up. He pushed himself up with both arms until his face levelled mine. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I had been this near to him before since we broke up, but not when it was just us two, and it hadn't felt this intimate. Or improper.

Using the now cooled face cloth, I grudgingly rubbed off the dried blood on Jake's face. He hissed at the friction.

"Are you trying to wipe my entire face off?" Jake asked.

"Hush. You of all people should've known how to care for this. You're a freaking surgeon, for Pete's sake," I chastised him, but eased on the rubbing.

Once I rid his cheeks, lips and chin of any crusted blood, I picked up a cotton ball and doused it with peroxide. I lifted my hand up to his face, ready for another vigorous rubbing, but I gave him a warning, "This is gonna hurt like a bitch." Without hesitation I dabbed at his cuts. Jake let out a few choice words, but even so, he let me clean his wounds.

"Thanks, Veronica," he murmured while I placed a couple of small bandaids on his face. My mind hummed upon hearing him say my name. He had never called me by my full name. Only one other person had done that every single time.

I shook my head. It was both a part of reply to Jake and a way to rid my mind of another man, and the hurt that came with thoughts of him. "It's nothing. I just wish you'd cleaned it sooner."

When I looked back up to Jake, I couldn't help but get drawn into him. This was Jake after all, and once upon a time, I loved him. Jake touched the side of my cheek. "You're so good to me." He leaned forward, eyes connected to mine, and a tickle of warm breath hit my lips.

As I realized what he was about do, I jumped off the bed and put some space between us. My hands flew to my chest, as I tried to slow down my breathing. "What do you think you're doing?"

Jake seemed confused. He tried to stammer out a response.

I knitted my brows together. "You were about to kiss me!"

He looked away, fiddled with his hair and rubbed his chin as though I had smacked him. I should have. "I thought it's what you wanted."

My eyes rolled up to the heavens, and I muttered a silent prayer to whoever was listening, "Give me strength."

"I'm sorry, Nica. I didn't mean to..."

I stopped him from further embarrassing the both of us, lifting my hand, palm towards Jake. "Please, don't say another word." I was truly convinced that the Universe was a bitch and loved to play with my emotions. I paced around the room trying to figure out what my next move would be.

"Nica, can you please sit down? You're making me nervous," Jake pleaded.

I stopped a foot away from the bed, and glared at Jake. "I'm making you nervous? I'm making YOU nervous?" He shrugged. I chose to sit on the club chair by the window, refusing to make eye contact with the man sitting on the bed.

Heaving out a sigh, I began, "A few weeks ago... No, a few days ago, I would probably have loved nothing more than to let you kiss me. I will admit that I've thought of us getting back together again... but things change. I thought you'd changed. I've learned so much more about you tonight than I knew when we were together. I suppose it's not really you changing, it's just me not knowing."

"I don't know what to say." His voice was full of hurt and uncertainty.

Looking up, I could see how lonely he must have felt. "I still love you. I still care about you." And it was the truth. I couldn't change what had happened to us. I could never erase what we had shared. "But you also broke up with me, and got engaged to someone else. To someone who you fell for. And who unmistakably loves you back."

"It's too late now. It's over."

"Somehow I don't believe that's true. I can't possibly accept that, and neither should you." I stood up and walked to him, wrapping my arms around the man who I once thought completed me. "We all make mistakes, Jake, but you still have a chance to fix it."

Jake leaned his head on my shoulder and hugged me back.

We stayed like that for a while, leaning against each other, listening to our breathing, to the thumping of our hearts. His beat for Sandrine. And mine beat for someone else.

*******

I kept my sunglasses on for the entire flight back from Charles de Gaulle to San Francisco International Airport. I didn't bother with sleep that I knew wouldn't come. I used earphones to ignore the noise around me rather than listen to music or to whatever was playing on the screen before me. My head was turned to the window of the aircraft, peering out but not really seeing.

Flying coach wasn't as comfortable and glamorous as it would have been if I'd flown back on a private jet, but I couldn't stomach facing anyone else I knew that morning. When Jake left, I wasn't completely sure what he would do. But I knew that my time in Paris had ended. Bitterly so.

I had packed my belongings hurriedly while frantically booking the next flight out. The hardest part had been getting Levi's stuff together. I couldn't bring myself to call him, nor send a text. Telling Jake would have caused more problems, and I would have had to answer more questions that I wasn't entirely sure I knew the answers to. The only solution had been to pack his things together, take them with me, and maybe once my head cleared, I would know the next step to take.

It hadn't stopped me from bawling my eyes out. Every time I had inhaled, his scent saturated my senses, and brought flashes of memories to mind-- the boat tour on the Seine, the hand-holding around the city, the kiss on the Eiffel, the discovery in the Louvre, the tease of his tongue on my thumb.

My face was dry and my jaw felt locked, possibly from all the gnashing and gnawing and grinding, as I picked up the single piece of luggage I brought with me on the trip and the leather bag that didn't belong to me. My body was bone-tired. My head pounded. My heart ached. I was more of a mess now than when I left.

How did one get over a heartbreak that shouldn't have been?

I stood and lined up for a cab, moving automatically, not really thinking of what I was doing. Once I got inside one, I blurted out a destination. It wasn't until I stopped in front of my office that I realized what address I had given.

Julie, mine and Chase's shared assistant, saw me right away and darted towards my office. I stood for a good minute or two before feeling the bite of the luggage handles on my fingers, and so I let them drop on the floor. Julie might have said something to me, but I didn't hear it. When I turned around to see her, I was faced with someone else. Chase.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Chase took a step towards me, concern written all over her face. "You weren't supposed to be back until later tonight."

I felt for something solid around me, feeling the faint and weakness claiming my body. The cool solid feel of my glass-top desk met my hand, and it was what I held onto.

"Nica? Are you sick? You look like you're about to..."

Stepping back, I fell into my chair, and the events of the weekend and the swirling vortex of emotions that came with them burst out in the forms of tears and sobs and hiccups. Heartache wracked my entire being.

"Oh shit." Chase ran to me, pressing my face into her undoubtedly expensive designer dress. "What did they do to you?"

My reply was an incoherent mumble. Chase patted my head.

"Tell me who do I kill first, Veronica," she demanded. "Oh, sweetheart, don't cry over those assholes." She tilted my head up and removed my sunglasses. "And remember, crying isn't a good look for you."

I cried even harder, reaching for the box of tissues on a shelf. "I... He... So messed... I didn't know..."

"Shit, I was kidding about the ugly thing. Cry as much as you want. Here..." She led me to the two-seater by my office door. After ensuring that I was comfortable on the sofa, she grabbed the tissue box and placed it on my lap. "Tell me everything."

And I did.

The look on Chase's face was indescribable when I finished. A clump of wadded up tissues lay on the floor by my feet. I blew my nose into another one and threw it on the pile.

"So that's it. Now I'm here." I sounded hoarse after having just poured all emotions out.

"I just... I can't..." Chase straightened from her slumped position on the sofa, and stared right at me. "Levi! Who knew?"

"I know, right?" I hiccuped. "I didn't see it coming. Had I known, I would have prepared for it."

"Nuh-uh. I don't think so. There's nothing you could have done to prepare for this. For him! Levi! I mean it's Levi."

"Yes, I get it. I know. I was there."

Chase rolled her eyes to the left, then narrowed them. She bit her lip and I knew she was cooking something in her brain. "So... I know you're hurting and all, and I don't mean to be insensitive, but... out of curiosity..."

I mouthed a 'what'.

"Was he..." Chase lifted her hands, palms faced each other, then moved them apart a good foot away. "...big?"

I coughed and snorted. "Chase!"

"What? I'm just curious. Wouldn't you want to know if I had seen it instead of you? You know you would."

"That doesn't even warrant an answer." I crossed my arms over my chest.

Chase bit her bottom lip again. "Can you tell me at least if he's hooded?"

"Goodness gracious, Chase!" I chastised my friend. "My heart is exploding here."

"You know I don't mean to be insensitive. You know how I feel about uncircumcised men." She winced as if she had tasted something vile.

"You are a horrible best friend," I stated, but I had to admit, Chase had her ways of dealing with uncomfortable situations, with her best friend's belligerence. And she was a huge proponent of laughter or at least an uncomfortable chuckle being the best medicine, even for heartbreak. Most especially from heartbreak.

"I know." She clapped her hands together. Her eyes widened. "I have the best solution." She twisted her body to open the door she had closed earlier, and hollered outside my office, "Julie, can you grab my emergency kit?"

I groaned at what she asked. Almost too quickly, Julie came in and handed Chase her "emergency kit": a bottle of liquor, two crystal tumblers, and packages of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Every month the liquor changed, today we had whiskey. It never made sense to anyone but Chase. And at a certain point, when I had downed more drinks than her, my mind was numb enough to think of anything else but the ensuing hangover and bloating the day after.

For the moment, I was willing to do just about anything to keep Levi out of my head, even though I knew full well that nothing would completely eradicate him from my thoughts.

Because my heart simply wouldn't let it.

*******

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