Reminiscence

(noun)
recall to mind of a long-forgotten experience or fact.
similar: nostalgia, memories, flashbacks.

"I don't want to remember. I just want to forget."

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This was requested by @Firestar11025

Topics:
Angst
Fluff

Prompt: Philza starts getting flashbacks of all the times he has been traumatized or come close to death, and locks himself in his house not wanting anyone to see the great Philza Minecraft breaking down.

Trigger Warnings (TW) : PTSD, panic attacks, and breakdowns.

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"Techno, I think this is way too many potions-" Phil laughed. Technoblade sometimes came very overprepared for the worst times.

"Phil, they'll never catch me with this!" He held up a slowness potion.

"Oops, one second wrong potion-"

Phil broke into laughter. Techno was a little absurd, but you gotta love the anarchist pig-human, who currently had about 27 withers stuck in his basement for the time being.

Phil walked onto Techno's balcony, preferrably to get some fresh air. Was it just him, or did the ground seem too far away? It wasn't like this last time.

"Hey Techno?"

Techno looked up from his brewing stand. It was currently brewing a night vision potion. Maybe invisibility?

"Yeah?"

"Was the ground always this far away?"

"What?" Techno asked, getting a little concerned. Today was an off-day for everyone, meaning no story scripts, just hanging around without streaming, green assholes or a certain pig being hunted by a butcher wannabe gang. He was sure the ground didn't move. Maybe Phil was just getting dizzy?

"Maybe you should sit down, Phil, I think you're getting a little dizzy."

"..Phil?"

Why wasn't he answering him?

He walked over and laid his hand on the winged man's shoulder. No response.

"Phil? Phil?!" Techno started to say more sternly, getting overly worried for his best friend. He could hear the older's breath suddenly quicken.

"PHIL!"

He was shearing at the leaves on one of the mini islands surrounding Sky City he had built on his Hardcore server. He tried to stop. He knew very well what would happen next, as if it was implanted in his mind. He saw it play out before it happened.

The bush sheared.

The arrow stuck in the bush shot him off. It had Punch II enchantments.

He fell.

And fell.

And fell.

"Philza!"

"Huh?" Phil said, still in that state of panic. He looked around frantically, before realising he was on the ground, on Technoblade's balcony, safe. He was nowhere near Sky City. Yet it felt so surreal.

"Phil, are you okay? You weren't answering me when I called your name like, fifteen times. What happened there?"

Phil looked behind him, seeing Techno, one of his closest friends, kneeling down next to him, his hand on his shoulder. He could have sworn he was standing up moments ago.

"I.. should get going," Phil said, pushing Techno off gently. He got up and walked down, leaving through the door. He trudged through the snow all the way back to L'manburg.

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He walked for so long. Where was he even going? He wasn't sure which way L'manburg was anymore.

Night was arriving soon, and he wanted to find shelter and not run through the forestry with skeletons shooting him down and creepers around every corner, especially since he had only one canon life.

Lunging himself into the cave, he blocked the entrance with some cobblestone he'd picked up earlier. The cave was lit up when he'd spotted it earlier, but it must've been just the moonlight. It was pitch black now.

Phil placed down some torches on the ground and tried to start a fire to keep himself warm. This is the Antarctic Empire 2.0 after all.

He started getting a little drowsy. He wasn't much of a sleeper, either worrying about his friends too much or just being unable to sleep due to dream demons haunting him. But now he was sleepier than ever. It was almost like his eyelids were pushing down on his face, forcing them to close. His head drooped a few times.

And he fell asleep.

And the demons came.

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'Not again.'

It felt like a fever dream.

He was mining at the netherrack he hated so much. The C he had built was very misplaced, and he did not approve.

As he mined the last block, he leaped off, expanding his elytras, allowing him to glide.

He hit the ground.

It glitched.

6 hearts went down.

He got his steak, trying to eat to regain his health.

'Why can't I move?'

He panicked.

He heard a hissing noise behind him.

He couldn't move.

He wanted to move.

He needed to move.

He needed to run.
.
.
.
.

It exploded.

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He gasped.

Jumping up, he threw his shield up infront of him and readied his sword.

But.

He didn't hear a hissing sound.

He slowly put away the shield, looking around. No, he wasn't in Chaos Caverns. He was still in his little shelter.

He quickly mined his way out, eager to get out of the darkness and welcome the warmth of the Sun bearing down on him.

And he continued his walk.

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In the distance, he could see the quaint lights of L'manburg. He decided to take a small stroll around, maybe help the others fix up the place for the next streams.

"Hey, Sam!" He greeted.

"Hullo, Philip! Whatcha doing here? Thought you were hanging with Techno?"

"Yeah, but I had to leave early. Uh, anyway, need any help?" Phil asked, eager to change the subject.

"Uh, yeah actually! I was building a small base in the Nether for the others to use for shelter. Some horde of pigmen came along, killed me. My stuff despawned, seeing as straight after I was bombarded by a whole terrorism of mobs- hey, Phil? Philip, you listening?" The creeper wearing a golden chestplate waved his green hands in front of Phil, trying to get his attention. No luck.

"Philip, are you okay?" He repeated. It was no use, Phil wouldn't give any kind of response other than just standing there, frozen. Suddenly, his hands flew to his face, and he backed up.

"Phil?! What's going on?!" Sam said, suddenly worried. It wasn't like the bird man to suddenly freak out like this.

"STAY BACK!" He yelled, though, at the same time, didn't yell. As if he was hearing a duplicate, an echo of his voice. Again, he couldn't control his movements, only thoughts. And so he thought. He thought about the pigmen chasing him. He thought about the pillar he built up to narrowly escape the horde. He thought about the ghast shooting him off.

He thought.

About all those pigmen,

right behind him.

And he woke up.

"Uh- huh?" He stammered, looking around, slowly this time. He glanced at the creeper with a questioning look, as if he may know where the pigmen vanished to.

"Philip what happened there?!" Sam asked, clearly alarmed by Phil's abnormal behaviour. So, apparently not.

"Sorry, Sam. Just thinking. Remembered..."
Did he really wanna say it? The great Philza Minecraft, the top survivalist in the whole of Minecraft, panicking and breaking down over some silly flashbacks?

"What did you need help with?" He decided, not pushing the subject any further down the line. Sam tried to respect this, but he knew something was definitely wrong with the beloved bird man.

"Just over here, Phil. Let's push this wall up."

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Of course. Of course the Tommy would do this. Of course. Why not?

Of course he started a forest fire. What was to be expected?

Props to Ghostbur for telling him before it reached L'manburg.

"Hey, Phil!" Ghostbur greeted. Phil simply nodded, because one word out of your mouth and the friendly blue-loving ghost will start blabbering.

"Phil, why is the west forest glowing orange?"

Phil stopped dead in his tracks, quickly letting go of the flowers he was putting in the pots outside.

"What?"

It sounded more of a demand than a question, and Phil regretted the tone. It sounded like he was snapping at Ghostbur.

"You sound upset. Is that bad?" Ghostbur asked nervously. Then he turned to rummage a little in his pockets, pulling out some blue fabric.

"Have some blue, it'll make you feel better!"

Phil took the blue from the ghost, quickly storing it in his chest and getting all the buckets he had.

"Thanks, Ghostbur!" He yelled, waving behind him as he dashed to the nearest river.

"Fucking hell, Tommy, of course you'd let loose! How many times have I told you to calm yourself??" Phil mumbled, seemingly to no one. Reaching the river, he filled the buckets quickly. On his 3rd bucket, he heard mad footsteps behind him, rushing to his left.

"Hey, Phil!" Eret yelled in a hurry. "Glad you heard, we've got no time to waste. It's getting too close to L'manburg for my liking!" The king stated, which made Phil slightly panic. He heard the footsteps get fainter.

He kept thinking about Tommy. Was he gonna be okay? What if he was stuck in the forest??

"GAH-!" Phil stumbled, accidentally falling into the river.

He sank a little too deep for his liking. Before swimming back up though, he saw some beautiful corals at rock bottom. He quickly plucked one and tried to swim back up.

A ringing, sudden noise filled his ears as he covered them. He looked behind him to see a gaping hole in the sand below him. And another green mob was creeping towards him.

"Oh no no no not again," he thought, remembering a time where he'd been stuck in a similar situation. Opening his inventory, he tried to search for 'Forkza' as he backed away.

Finally, he grabbed the trident and zoomed out of the river, heading for the fire.

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"That's the last of em'," Punz announced. Everyone sighed in relief, as Wilbur took over from Ghostbur to chew out Tommy, as he usually did when the angry child did something absurd. Technoblade was definitely not in the mood. He didn't look very happy when he was called to help.

Phil became much quieter, deep in thought. Though, damn him if he'd admit the real reason. He was scared. Scared of the memories. He was scared of death. It would be a lie anyone could see through if he said he was fine, because the state he was in? Nearly everyone had noticed that the great Philza Minecraft's behaviour was indeed out of the ordinary.

And so he walked in nervous silence, afraid any word out of his mouth and he'd snap.

Everyone was heading to the center for a get together, so Phil decided to make the rational reason to stay away from the center. Of course, this aroused more suspicion. Even Tommy started to see it.

On the path back home, which was on the edge of his house, he heard a ding in his pocket. Pulling out his phone, he saw Wilbur texting him.

Sand Jesus

Online

Sand Jesus
Hey Phil! You doing alright? Wanted to let you know they're serving creampuffs over here. Want me to get you one or two?

Ph1LzA
Yeah, that'd be great, Will! Thanks! :D

As he was about to switch the phone off, he heard a hissing sound.

"Fuck."

The creeper exploded, flinging Phil back in the air. He hit the wall of a nearby house, slumping down slightly as he fought for conciousness. He managed to down a golden apple (any gappler gangs? :P), saving him from a black out. He rushed to study the damage made in the pathway, knowing he'd have to fix that. But he couldn't bring himself to move. He was merely frozen in shock as the memory sank in.

He couldn't hold it in. Hot tears made their way down his cheeks as he frantically tried to wipe them away, failing. He ran inside his home, locking the door and curling up near the fireplace. But he still felt cold and chilly.

What triggered them all? He'd been in many similar situations before, though never as bad as this.

All these thoughts swirled around his head as he cried shamefully.

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"Where's Phil?" Wilbur asked, holding a box with a few creampuffs.

"I dunno. Maybe text him again?" Tommy said, unusually calm. Though, he was only calm because Wilbur scared him out of his wits earlier.

"Alright," he grumbled, handing the box to Tommy.

"Hey, I'm no-"

"Sh," the older shushed Tommy, making the disc obsessed child shut up.

"That's hilarious," a certain pink haired pig mocked, making Tommy stick his tongue out at Techno. Wilbur rolled his eyes, walking away to try and find some silence in order to call Philza.

He dialed the number, waiting on an answer.

None.

He tried again.

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'Who's that?' He thought, jolting up from the ringing.

He couldn't answer the first dial in time, much less check who it was before a second came in. This he answered, regretting it right after.

"He-llo?" His voice cracked, sounding all wrong. He felt as if he was gonna break again, and tried to calm himself.

"Hey, Phil- woah, what's up with your voice? You sound so tired," Wilbur asked, a little concerned for his friend. Somehow he had a bad feeling. "Were you asleep?"

"Huh? Uh, yeah," Phil stammered. Why did he stammer? He shrugged it off, hoping it wasn't too much of a mistake. Oh, it was.

"Phil, have you been crying?!" Wilbur suddenly blabbed, after studying the bird man's voice a little more closely.

"Wh-wha, no?!"

"That's it, I'm coming over. The door best be open when I'm there."

"Uh, wait- no-,"

Wasting no time, he smacked the red button, disconnecting the call and running over to his friends.

"So?" Tommy asked.

"We need to go see Phil. Now."

Tommy jumped back in surprise. Wilby was never this stern unless it was something serious. What'd happened to Phil? He looked at Techno, wondering to see if he noticed Wilbur's voice, aswell. He did.

"We're going."

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'Oh shit, oh fuck, oh shit,' filled the silence of the cozy house as Philza paced back and forth. What was he to do? Wilbur was coming. Should he leave the door locked?? Should he unlock it?? Can he pretend like nothing ever happened???

Soon, he heard a knock on the door before he had made any decisions. Rushing his choice, he went upstairs and fell to his knees, bringing them up to his chest and leaning back on the wall.

He heard Wilbur's frantic shouts of "Phil?!" as he banged his fists on the door, demanding to be let in. This scared Phil a whole lot more, making him curl up even more. He stayed as silent as possible, forgetting how to breathe for a few seconds.

Suddenly, it was silent.

And then the knocks got louder. Though, this time they didn't sound like knocking. More like someone was throwing themselves at the door. Was someone gonna break the door down?? (olaf was right, breaking and entering, okay on christmas!)

And then a small crashing sound, before he heard footsteps coming closer. They seemed to be ascending the stairs. He tried to hide himself more, his wings spreading out around him protectively.

"Phil!" Techno called, before he spotted dark grey feathers in the corner. He slowly stepped closer to see dark gray wings covering their friend.

"Phil?" He said softly, as to not surprise the other. Phil didn't look up, but hummed in response.

"PHIL!" Wilbur yelled as he ran up the stairs. Phil shrunk back a little. Techno had never seen Phil this scared. He was always the father figure of the four friends, the one they teased by calling him names like 'Dadza', the one who'd be there for them when they needed it most. This wasn't the Phil he knew.

"Phil, oh there you are! I was getting a little-" Wilbur interrupted himself, seeing dark grey wings hovering over the short man. Wilbur glanced at Techno, and Techno put a finger to his lips, as if to say 'be quiet'.

Wilbur walked over, Tommy following behind him. They sat themselves down next to Phil, trying to find the right words to calm the bird man down.

Suddenly, they heard small sobs coming from Phil. Techno did not like hugs, but he shocked everyone right then and there when he gave Phil a small hug. He seemed to lean into the hug, feeling a bit safer.

Wilbur got the idea, and scooted in for a hug. He gestured for Tommy to join. Rolling his eyes, he joined the group hug without hesitation. Finally, Phil looked up and hastily wiped his tears away.

"Thanks, guys. Sorry I'm acting like such a child," he laughed.

"Nono, it's fine. We always come to you for comfort, and you've always been there for us. It's only fair we do the same."

Techno and Tommy nodded, before Techno said, "Alright, now what's bothering you, Phil?"

He stared at Techno for a bit before laughing a little. "You guys always know how to cheer me up, don't you?" He ruffled Wilbur's hair a bit.

"Of course, who else?" Tommy replied quite arrogantly, though everyone knew it was an act. They chuckled.

"I.."

"Come on, spit it out, Philza Minecraft!" Tommy and Wilbur both said.

"Okay, okay! I've been.. remembering all the times I've come close to death, um, about five or six times?" He let out a small half-hearted laugh and continued to stare at the ground.

"O-..oh," Wilbur said, not expecting such a reply. All he could do was stare at the ground, until he came up with an idea. He quickly asked Ghostbur to help him teleport to his home for his guitar.

"Where did- oh, here he is again," Phil started, stopping himself when Wilbur reappeared in a white shimmer.

He held his guitar and started strumming.

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WOAHHHHHHHHHHHH POGCHAMP I ACTUALLY DID IT I BEAT MOTIVATION HAH FUCK YOU

okay sorry, anywho, hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you liked it, please consider voting, and maybe requesting something in fhe Requests? I love writing your guys' prompts, they're always so PogU!

Happy reading, everybody, and a Merry Christmas! <3