The following seconds go by in a possible blur. After our small argument, we walk out of the room in silence going down to join the others. And for the first time on this trip Dean and I don't sit by each other, or look in each other's direction. Correction: I don't look in his direction because everytime I do pain flares in my chest. All I can think about is the truth, so nauseatingly shoved right in front of my face and due to that, the food the guy's made hardly reaches past my throat.

He's right. He's completely right and I was trying my best to deny it. I wasn't angry at Dean, more so I was angry at myself and the circumstances that occurred that led me to this place. All my life I constantly denied my situation. I denied that my father was shitty and my then boyfriend was abusive...abusive. That word stung my eyes with tears.

Never in my life did I think I would have gone through what I did. When you think of the word victim, you never think of yourself. You never want to think of yourself. But the truth was I had to. In order to heal, in order to move and be able to feel healthy again I needed to realise that I was a victim and I was abused and the shit that happened to me was real and not some teenage show about some other girl named Sophia who wasn't really real.

I moved food around on my plate as I sat next to Alex and Ayesha, their conversation like static in my ears. After Dean and I had descended the stairs, they glanced at each other like they knew we just had a fight. I mean, it was pretty obvious given my blank stare and Dean's closed off expression.

We were both out of it, this being one of the most serious fights we've ever had. One that relied on me and my decisions. Decisions that would make or break us. I understood where he was coming from though, I was not his responsibility and in order for us to make things work, I needed to acknowledge what happened to me.

"—Sophia?"

My name snapped me out of my trance, and I shook my head, turning to the voice on my right which happened to be Alex.

"What?" I said, not knowing what she had asked.

She sends me a small frown, exchanging a glance with Ayesha before repeating the question. "I asked if you wanted to go to the beach today after lunch. You don't have to swim, but it's going to be pretty nice out."

I blinked at her, the fork in my hand going still as she awaited my response. My eyes unconsciously travelled towards where Dean sat, seeing that he was frowning at my still very full plate and I set down my fork, pushing my plate away from me knowing I couldn't stomach any more food.

"Yeah, sure." I said abscently, standing up. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom to uh pee...like a normal person...because everyone uh pees?" I didn't give them a chance to respond, turning and running up the stairs while simultaneously slapping myself for talking so idiodic down there.

Bracing my hands on the sink, I took in a few deep breaths before splashing water on my face in order to cool down. I let myself wallow for a few minutes, telling myself I deserved it. But the only thought that was going through my head was how much I missed Dean.

Fuck, it hasn't even been two hours and all I wanted was a hug from him. I was the one putting distance between us, and I still had to apologise to him about my tone from earlier. It wasn't fair to be mad at him when all he wanted to do was help.

I combed down my hair, freshening up before exiting the bathroom and joining the others. Everyone was finished eating, the table cleared and as soon as they saw me, they stood up and were out of the door.

Alex stayed behind though, waiting for me and as soon as I reached her, she hooked her arm through mine, her tote bag hanging on her shoulder.

She didn't say anything, simply dragged me alongside her until we reached the beach. We sat on a couple of rocks off to the side, this moment like dejavu from the beach party we attended weeks ago. After she had successfully climbed beside me, we watched the rest of our friends in silence.

Ayesha, Vanessa, Brandon, and Zayn were all in the water, Alyan and Dean sitting on the beach looking like they were in deep conversion. I watched him for a couple of minutes, his long legs stretched out in front of him while he and Alyan sat on beach chairs. He had a book on his lap, his sunglasses pushed up to the top of his head as he nodded along to whatever his best friend was saying.

I glanced at Alex when she broke the silence, taking out some sunblock.

"Is everything alright, Sophia?" She asked, gesturing for me to open my hands so she could squirt some of the lotion into it. I did what was asked, sighing with a shrug.

"Why would anything be wrong?"

She only sent me that look, making me send her one back, rubbing in the lotion on my exposed skin. She nudges me with her shoulder, a small nod towards Dean and I look at him as well, seeing him with his hands over his face in defeat.

"What'd you do to make 'pretty boy' so sad?"

I nudge her back, crossing my arms over my chest as I lean forward and curl into myself. "I know everyone heard us fight, Alex. No need to be so nonchalant about it." I peek at her and see that she grimaces, caught.

"I was trying to be polite."

"I know, and as much as I love you for it, I feel stupid. Everyone knows what happened to me now."

Alex leans toward me, wrapping her arms around my body and placing a kiss to the top of my head. "I'm sorry, honey. I tried to steer the conversation but you guys started to get loud and we grew worried. By the look on their faces, I don't think they've ever heard Dean raise his voice. I kind of wanna smack him for it."

"Don't," My heart feels guilty. "I deserved it."

"No, Sophia. No one deserves getting yelled at. Though, he wasn't yelling he just sounded frustrated which I understand and now I wanna smack you."

"Hey," I exclaim weakly. "You don't think I've been hit enough?" I try to joke, which only makes her frown deepen. She pulls away from me, shifting so her body was facing mine. I followed, looking right at her.

"Sophia..." Alex starts, looking serious. "I know it isn't my place to say anything, but would therapy really be so bad?"

I shrug my shoulders, avoiding her eyes, making her hold my hand so I wouldn't run away.

"You deserve to be happy." She says softly. "You deserve to go to sleep and find peace. You deserve to live your life. You deserve to have a life. Don't you think it's time you've been selfish for once?"

"If I say it..." I start in a whisper. "It makes it real."

"It was real, Sophia. What happened to you was fucking awful and painful and real. And because of that, you won't ever heal on your own. That's too much for someone to carry, too much shit for you to sort out by yourself. I know Dean means well, I know he's terrified for you, it really seemed like it when I heard him."

"Do you think that's why he doesn't want to be with me?" I look down and she shakes her head, squeezing my hands in comfort.

"No, of course not. He likes you, so fucking much the entire world can see it. I think he wants to hold off on the relationship until you're in a better mental headspace."

"Why? Because I'm broken?"

"Because you're human. Because shitty things happened to you and that was unfair, and he doesn't want to take advantage of your vulnerability. Because he likes you so fucking much, he's willing to let you go if it means you can heal. But then again, I'm not him. I don't know the exact reason and you won't either unless you talk to him."

I stay silent for a few seconds, taking in her words. "I'm not broken."

"You aren't."

"And I deserve to be happy."

She smiles through her tears making me reciprocate it back. "You do."

"And I really fucking like Dean and want us to be together."

"So talk to him," She murmurs. "Tell him what you feel and think. Relationships are about building each other up, helping you get through struggles so you aren't alone. And he told you, you weren't alone, Sophia. But he was right when he said he can't be the one to fix you...only you can do that."

I break down at that, head hung as I press a hand over my mouth. Alex pulls me in for a hug, rocking me slowly from side to side.

"Why does it feel like Devon won? He gets to continue living life while I'm stuck here fucked in the head."

"I know, Sophia. I'm sorry."

"It isn't fair." I sob into her shoulder. "None of this is fair."

She agrees, tightening her hold on me which I appreciate. It's the only thing that's grounding me at this moment, the only thing I feel like I have left in this void.

She pulls away once I've calmed down, holding my face in her hands and wiping the remains of my tears with a watery smile.

"I fucking love you, Sophia. You're my best friend and I will always, always be here for you whenever you need me."

"Thank you, Alex. Fuck, I love you."

"Calm yourself," She says with a teary laugh. "You've got a boyfriend to get back to."

- - -

We stayed a half an hour more at the beach, Alex and I conversing about school coming to an end and graduation and when everyone decides it's time to pack up, I grab Dean's hand, holding him back.

He stops, turning around as everyone else walks towards the cabin and I quickly let go of it, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Sorry," I say, cheeks flushing in embarrassment. "I know you said...yeah. I'm sorry."

"Sophia, you can still touch me. We're still friends."

I visibly flinch at that word, looking off to the side as I clear my throat. "Can we...um can we talk? Please?"

He nods, eyes slightly red and I figure it's probably because he's tired. I steer him towards the sand that's closest to the water, sitting down with legs pulled to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. He follows, hesitant.

"Are you...alright? I saw you earlier..." He doesn't finish the sentence but we both know what he means. I shake my head, waving it off.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I pause, then frown. "Actually, I'm not...fine, I mean."

He looks surprised at that, for once hearing me admit it.

"I know...I was kind of a dick earlier—"

"You weren't a dick. You were processing."

"But I don't wanna break up, Dean." I whisper, my hands interlocking as I rest my ear against my knees and look at him. "I don't want us to not be together."

He frowns, opening his mouth to say something and I shake my head, not done with what I wanted to say.

"Before you say anything, hear me out. I know you probably think us being apart will help me, but I'm telling you right now it won't. I like you, Dean. I like being near you, holding you and kissing you and liking you. In the twenty-one years I've been alive, nothing has ever made me happier than being here with you. However, if you feel like you still don't want us together, I understand and I will honour that. I have a lot of shit to work through...a talk with Alex has made me realise that. And I deserve to be happy, you know? I fucking deserve that."

He nods his head, smiling at me like he's proud.

"Devon has taken so much from me already, and I don't want him to take this. Us—our relationship. This is mine, not his. You're mine—" I cut myself off with a wince, lifting my head as I stumble over my next few words. "I didn't mean that in a weird, toxic, 'you're my property' type of way. I meant—"

Dean cuts me off, his eyes shining with laughter and something more as he places a hand on my knee and nods. "I understand what you mean, Sophia."

I nod back, tucking hair behind my ear. "Good, good. That's good. What I'm trying to say is...I want us to be together. I don't want us to be 'just friends' because I don't wanna be just your friend. I wanna be more. I wanna fall in love with you, Dean, because fuck I'm not done yet. I'm not done falling in love with you." I whisper the last sentence, my hand holding onto his ring around my neck as I allow myself to look at him. He seems stunned, tears welling in his eyes as he shifts closer to me and cups my cheeks, thumb rubbing back and forth over my cheek bone.

"I'm not done falling in love with you either." He says softly, eyes flickering between mine. I relax my body, my hand coming up to rest over his as I let myself lean into his warmth.

"What does this mean then?" I ask, scared of the answer but ready to accept.

"It means if you'll have me, I wanna be with you. But Sophia—"

"I know." I smile at him, through my own tears. "I know. I need help, I need someone to help me process what I've been through and guide me in the right direction. I'm tired of feeling scared or lost or not good enough. I'm tired of giving him the power to make me feel worthless."

"I'm so fucking proud of you."

I stretch out my legs, leaning into his body as he wraps an arm around my shoulders and tucks me close. I close my eyes, taking in his scent and his warmth and his presence and finally start to feel whole again.

"Thank you, Dean. For caring about me."

He tips my chin so I look at him, a small smile on his lips as he quietly replies. "Thank you for allowing me to."

I sit up, holding onto his shoulders as I hug the life out of him. He holds me back just as tight, fingers threading through my hair while his other hand holds the small of my back.

"Don't ever sit away from me again. I felt like I was dying."

A small laugh filters through him and I savour the sound, it feels so sweet. I shift so I'm straddling him now, my face buried in the side of his neck as he holds me as the sun goes down.

We stay like that for what it feels like is years, and I want nothing more than to continue doing it.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. You were just trying to help me and I got angry and defensive. There's no excuse for that."

He kisses the top of my hair, shaking his head.

"You were right."

"I was?"

He nods. "I haven't really opened up to you about anything and it isn't fair to you, especially since I know so much about you and you know almost nothing."

"You don't have to say anything if you aren't comfortable. That was an unfair position I placed you in."

"But it wasn't. You wanna know more about me and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I want you to know everything about me because I wanna know everything about you."

I lift my head, eyes gazing into his. "Tell me something then."

He swallows, moving his hands so both are wrapped around the small of my back, fingers interlocking as I move to get comfortable.

"My parents..." His voice is slightly hoarse as I trace circles on his chest, hoping it would relax him. "You probably know that they aren't my biggest fan."

I nod, staying silent.

"They were always hot and cold with me. One day unbearably loving and the next, cold and wretched. I couldn't express myself around them...probably why I have a hard time doing it now too because whenever I did, they would make me feel awful for feeling a certain way. Crying was probably the worst thing I could do around them because then, they viewed me as weak and unstable."

I wince, my lips lifting in a smile. "I bet they'd love me, huh."

"Yeah," He laughs, feeling lighter. "They'd adore you. The only way they viewed me was through my grades. A good grade meant they cared and a bad one meant I was getting the silent treatment for the week."

"That's so fucked, Dean."

He shrugs, nodding. "But that wasn't really the worst thing they've done..." This time when he pauses, he hesitates, making me turn my head to kiss his heart. I feel the warmth of his chest beneath his shirt, and he rubs a hand up and down my back finding the courage to continue.

"You know when I told you I had a friend once who became so addicted to drugs, they almost died?"

I tensed, not knowing where he was going with this. I grabbed a fitsful of his shirt, nodding my head at his question.

"That wasn't my friend...that was my brother."

"Dean..." I whispered and he shook his head, a sign for me to not say anything.

"You once asked me why I was absent those first few days of school...he's why. My parents decided they were done with him, kicked him out of the house as soon as he came back from rehab and I spent a few days helping him apply to jobs and giving him a place to crash."

"Can I ask what happened to him now?"

Dean strokes his hand down my hair, repeating the motion over and over again as the sound of water fills our ears. It was getting dark now, and we were most likely going to miss dinner if we didn't head back in the next two hours.

"He has a job and with the cash he had in his savings account, he was able to stay with a friend and pay half the rent. Neither of us are in contact with my parents anymore, because they decided he wasn't worthy of being their son."

"That's bullshit."

"I know..." He says quietly. "I'm not going to say that everything is okay with him when it isn't. Addiction is a lifelong struggle, and I don't blame my brother for turning to the only thing he thought would help him through the pain. He should have had my parents, should have been able to turn to them for help. It isn't his fault."

"I know."

"I just..." he sighs. "I wish he could have talked to me. I know I'm younger than him but we were supposed to be a team. And now..."

"Now?"

"Now whenever I see him or talk to him, he feels a million miles away. A shell of who he used to be."

"It's like you said, Dean. Addiction is a lifelong struggle, one that rips everything away from you. It's a constant battle of should I or should I not...and the only thing that matters now is that you're there for him. And I know you are because that's just the type of person you are, Dean. You're so fucking selfless and kind."

He responds by lifting me up so I face him, pulling me in for a kiss that I eagerly respond to. My hands hold his face as his own moves from my back to my waist, making me arch into him with need.

Like I said, despite it only being a few hours I've missed kissing Dean. He tasted like the candy he was sucking on earlier, the sour apple still on his tongue.

I talk once we've pulled away, breathing against each other's lips. "Thank you for sharing that with me."

"God..." he says, eyes flickering between both of mine. "I can't wait to love you."

•••