I woke up, gasping for air as Dean held me in his arms. Pushing him away, I dashed to the bathroom and heaved out the remaining food from the previous night. Dean had come around, rubbing my back and holding my hair up so it wouldn't get caught in the vomit.

Pulling back, I wiped away the stray tears and flushed the toilet, the acidic aftertaste prominent in my mouth.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to throw up-"

"Sophia, I don't care about that. I care about you and your health."

I stood up, walking over to the sink and began to rinse my mouth clean. Dean stared intently at me through the mirror, making me grow nervous as I spit out the toothpaste and put it back in its respective holder.

"You did tell me I was allowed to throw up on you." I tried to joke but immediately stopped once I saw his expression, concern and sadness apparent.

"Sophia-"

"You aren't mad at me, are you?" I asked quietly.

"Of course not, Sweetheart." He replied, a forced smile.

I took his word for it and noted the time, seeing it was already basically time to get up. After tying back my hair in a ponytail, I walked over to the kitchen to make myself some food. Last night I had accidently fallen asleep in Dean's bed. We were watching a movie in his room since I was finding it difficult to sleep.

I hated that Devon still affected me, even in my dreams. I felt like I had moved past him in all ways except mentally. He was still engraved in my head like a virus, infecting my happiness like a bug.

"Sophia?"

I hummed, busying myself with pouring coffee.

When Dean didn't respond I looked up, finding his arms crossed over his chest with a concerned look in his eyes. I already knew what he was going to say and in all honesty, combining this with him still not telling me much about what was going on with him was making me miserable.

"Do you wanna talk about what just happened?"

"Nope." I popped two waffles in the toaster, setting the timer appropriately. Sitting down with my coffee in hand, I blew tentative breaths over the top before I started sipping on it without a bother. Dean came around and sat next to me, sighing in slight frustration.

"Sophia."

This time I sighed, looking up at him as I set my mug down with more aggression than needed. "What, Dean? What the fuck do you want me to say? That I get nightmares? You already knew that."

"You threw up," He says quietly.

"Okay, and?"

"And? Soph, who throws up after a nightmare?" He looked at me in disbelief, his arms were still crossed but his stance was crestfallen, unsure.

"It isn't a big deal, Dean."

"Yes it is, Sophia."

The toaster popped up with my waffles, but my hunger subsided. Both due to the nightmare and the topic of this conversation. I felt like puking again but held it down, knowing I would only dry heave over the toilet bowl and Dean would use it as an excuse to continue the conversation. I gingerly picked up both waffles, putting them on a plate in front of me despite having no desire to eat them.

"It isn't," I insisted. "It'll pass."

"I wanted to talk to you about something..."

"What?"

"I think...I think you should try therapy."

I slid the plate away from myself, standing up immediately.

"No."

"Sophia, you woke up screaming and shaking. You were kicking out your hands and feet like you were trying to get away from someone. That isn't normal."

"I don't care if isn't-"

"You have frequent panic attacks and shut down when something reminds you of him. Sophia, you're wearing yourself down by pretending like everything is okay. It isn't. And until you acknowledge that, he'll still be haunting every aspect of your life."

I stared hard at the floor. "Are you saying that there's something wrong with me?"

"No," He stepped towards me, hands uncrossing and falling limp by his sides. "I'm saying that he's hurt you long enough. You deserve to be happy, Soph. You deserve a life that isn't filled with him. You don't have to keep doing this alone anymore...you're not alone anymore."

I swallowed thickly, pushing past him. While my heart knew he was right and only suggested it in order to help me, my brain was terrified of having to relay the trauma of my past to a complete stranger.

"It was hard enough to tell you about my shit, Dean. And now you want me to go out and tell a complete stranger about how fucked up I am?" He didn't deserve my anger, I know. And as terribly as I wanted to take back my harsh tone and apologise to him, I needed him to understand that I couldn't do that. That I wouldn't do that.

"You are not fucked up, Sophia. The things that happened to you were and that's my main concern. You're the strongest person I know and I fucking care about you. I don't want to see you turn into a shell of who you used to be."

I swallowed thickly, avoiding his gaze. "I'm not going down this road with you."

"I'm not forcing you, Sophia. I would never do that. Just please...think about it? I support you, you know I do. But I'm not a professional. I don't know how to help you with something like this." He paused, lowering his voice all the way. "I'm scared you're drowning and I have no clue how to pull you out."

I raised my hand, my heart in my throat as I tried to give him my best convincing smile.

"I'll be fine, pretty boy." I said. "I always am."

- - -

After that conversation with Dean I had taken a shower, changing into clothes for work before heading out there. We didn't exchange any more words with each other, mainly because I was trying my best to avoid him at all costs. My anger had subsided and I was left feeling miserable and upset, all at myself.

Dean was just trying to help me and in all honesty, he was right. He wasn't a professional, he wasn't someone who could help me work past my crippling trauma in a way that it would stop interfering with my entire life. He was my more-than-a-friend, someone who had taken care of me in ways no one else had and I felt like I threw it all back in his face by refusing help.

But in all honesty, I just didn't think I was ready. Going to therapy made what happened to me real. It confirmed that something is wrong with me and that it needed to be fixed.

I sighed, wiping down another table after I had discarded the customers finished dishes in the sink. Being a waitress was a strain on my back however it was good for my physical activity since I was on my feet all day. And the tips weren't so bad either.

My eyes glanced up to look at the clock, noticing that my shift was almost done and I had to drive to the hospital soon for the appointment. I avoided telling Dean about it, not reminding him that it was today because I was scared of the results that would come about. I wast sure if I wanted him to see that side of me, one that confirmed that I was an abuse victim and my body held evidence of that.

Walking over to the bar, I smiled at my coworker and owner of this diner, Ravi, who was busy wiping clean some glasses and flirting with a girl at the counter. At the sight of me he grinned wide, forgetting her and leaning his forearms on the counter.

"If it isn't my favourite girl. What brings your royal ass over here?"

I roll my eyes, sitting down on a stool. The diner was fairly empty except the regulars who hung out at the bar, so I wasn't scared of accidentally neglecting any customers. Besides there were two other waitresses also working the shift today, most likely on their phones due to the slow day.

"Am I not allowed to get a drink?"

"Ah," He nods, flipping over a glass in front of me and pouring in some soda. "Boy troubles?"

"You know that's very sexist, right. Automatically assuming that every problem in my life involves a guy." I point out, taking a sip.

He raises his hands in a mock surrender, feigning an apologetic look. "Sorry, honey, my bad. Why are you so down today then?"

"I've got a lot of shit going on in my life," I shrug, motioning for him to pour me some more. He complies with a sigh, nodding at my words.

"And so it begins. You're so young, you shouldn't be having any struggles in life yet. You should be out, swinging in some park off the mainland."

"Ravi, you do know that I'm almost twenty-one, right?"

He raises his eyebrow, refilling someone else with alcohol. "Are you saying you're too old to sit on a swing?"

"I'm saying that I'm on the verge of graduating university with some dumbass degree that won't guarantee me a job. If I could swing a swing and live out my best life right now, I would. Sadly, that life only applies to the privileged."

"And the white." He adds, wincing when he notices a regular by the name of Tracy look up at us from her phone. "Sorry, Trace, but you know it's true."

She only shrugs, nodding in agreement before going back to her device. Ravi turns back to me with amusement, talking again.

"In all honesty, don't worry so much about life, Sophia. Look at where it got me?" He gestured around.

"A new waitress who you love so much that you'll let her leave early?" I inquired, blinking innocently up at him.

He only laughed, taking back my empty glass to clean before waving me off. "Yeah, yeah, get out of here. You owe me a donut tomorrow though."

I grinned, peeling off my apron and going to the back to hang it up in my cubby, gathering my things and walking into the bathroom. After washing my hands I left, driving over to the hospital knowing my appointment was in half an hour.

My hands played with the necklace around my neck, mind wiring back to everything that has happened today. As I sat in the waiting room after giving the reception my name and number, I almost wished I had told someone so I wouldn't be alone. The lady at the front told me I'd have to wait another fifteen minutes since I was early, so I slipped out my phone, pressing on a contact and placing it by my ear.

"Hello?"

"Alex?" My voice cracked, clearing my throat so I could talk again. "Are you free right now?"

"Yeah, I just got back from class. Why? Do you wanna hang out?"

I closed my eyes, contemplated telling her before deciding I wanted the support right now. "I'm in the hospital."

"What? What the fuck happened? Are you alright? What's going on?"

I winced, realising I probably shouldn't have started with that. "I meant I'm here for a full body exam. The one I told you about the other day?"

"Oh." I heard her let out a sigh of relief. "Yes, I remember. What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"No. I just...if you were able to, can you come here? I just don't want to be alone."

"Of course, Sophia. I'll be right there. Just next me the name of the hospital, alright? I'm leaving right now."

"Thank you."

- - -

Alex had arrived shortly after the call, and I already knew she had most likely speeded in order to show up for me on time. I let myself smile at that, leaning my head on her shoulder as she kept me company. They had first set me up in a separate room, letting me fill out the medical history sheet before taking my blood. Now we were waiting for a doctor to come in and x-ray my body, needing to check for internal damages.

"How are you feeling, Sophia?" Alex asked from beside me, holding my hand in hers.

I shrugged, still slightly dim from my small one-sided argument with Dean earlier and the nerves due to having to do the x-ray.

"That's okay, we're almost done. After this would you wanna get some ice cream?"

"At nine am in the morning?" I asked her, snuggling closer to her body.

"Are you judging me?"

"I would never."

The door opened and a female doctor came in, clipboard in hand as she scanned the notes written down there. With a warm smile, she nodded at us and sat in her chair by her desk, swivelling it so she could face us.

"Hi, Sophia. I'm Dr. Iqbal, we met on the phone?"

I nodded, my face dawning in regoznization as I studied her. She was pretty, no doubt. Her skin was brown like mine, her hair pulled back and away in a sleek ponytail. She wore a white coat over her blouse and slacks, a pair of short heels on her feet with minimal jewellery, only wearing a gold south asian style necklace around her neck.

"I don't know if Dr. Peterson explained to you but you'll be doing a full scan so we can look for internal injuries. Are you claustrophobic by any chance?"

I shake my head and her shoulders drop in relief, setting down her clipboard in her lap.

"Well that makes this a bit easier. Alright, let me walk you through what you will be doing." She walks over to the machine in the room, large and in the shape of a cylinder. "A table will slide out from inside where you will be laying down. I'll press this button which will make it slide back inside. I know, it's small and may seem scary but I really need you to be as still as possible. Are you wearing jewellery by any chance?"

"Yeah, just a necklace and a few rings. Should I take them off?"

She nods, smiling at me. "Yes, please. Think of this tube as a huge magnet. Wearing something metal inside can be very dangerous and can interfere with the scanning."

I slipped off my rings, handing it to Alex before reaching around my neck to unclasp the small chain. My hands slightly shook, knowing the one piece of Dean that I always had with me had to be taken off. Once I was certain Alex had them seurel in her hold, I stood up, walking over to where Dr. Iqbal was standing.

"How long will this take?" I asked, shifting my weight from one foot to the other.

"Around 10 minutes. If, at any time, you start to feel overwhelmed please let me know."

I agreed, laying down on the table and waited for it to suck me back inside the tube. It was small but not dark, lights on the inside and I held my breath, unknowingly starting to feel fidgety. I shut my eyes, trying to think of something other than being scanned by a machine.

Dean, of course, was my first thought. I know it had only been a couple of hours since we last saw each other but I missed him. And fuck, I wish I had him here with me. I loved Alex and I was grateful she was here with me, but as my fists clenched by my sides and my breathing shortened, all I really wanted was to hug him.

"Five more minutes, Sophia. You're halfway done."

I breathed out, internally nodding. Alright, I could do this. Just five more minutes and I'd be out of this metal tube.

Seconds felt like hours in here and I wished this would help get me that restraining order. I just needed something concrete, something legal that had my back in case he came too close.

Finally, the sound of a beep sounded and I was let out of the machine, immediately clasping the necklace around my neck as Dr. Iqbal led us to an adjoining room, telling us we could sit and yet another doctor would be here to assist us.

"How long do you think this will take?" Alex whispered from in front of me, her leg bouncing as she looked around the small room. It was a typical doctor's office, however there was one machine in the corner that I wasn't familiar with.

Another five minutes passed before I was met with Dr. Peterson again, gloves on her hands as she shut the door and looked at us with a smile.

"Alright, Sophia. One last test and I promise, after this, you're done."

I shot her a weak smile, moving around uncomfortably on the examination table, the paper layered underneath me crinkling.

She walked over to me with a tube in her hand, gesturing for me to lay down.

"We'll be doing an ultrasound now just to further check anything out. Can you lift your shirt up for me, please?" I complied, doing as told and she proceeded to squirt the gel on my stomach, the coldness sending a shudder up my spine. She then takes something off of the machine's side, placing it where the gel is on my stomach and moving it around, looking at the screen.

I stare at it for a few seconds as well but when I see her demeanour change from the corner of my eye, I turn my head and watch her. She goes over my stomach a couple of times, watching the screen intently before nodding, looking at me.

"Sophia, there's something serious I need to talk to you about."

My back straightens, a quick glance in Alex's direction as I weakly joke, "Well, you are a doctor so I assume everything you say is serious."

She doesn't look amused, making me let out a breath of air, nodding at her to continue.

"There is no easy way of saying this so I'm really sorry." She starts and I feel Alex come up beside me, holding my hand tight as the next thing the doctor says goes in one ear and out the other, breaking my entire world apart.

"There is a high possibility that you may be infertile due to the damages inflicted on your uterus."

•••