11 - Panic

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Trigger Warning: Mentions of pills, panic attack

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"Hey, Sophia. It's time to wake up now." I was gently shook away, a blurry Dean entering my vision as I moved to sit up. Rubbing my eyes, I glanced around.

"What time is it?"

"It's time to eat. Come on," He helped me get out of bed.

I stumbled slightly, still a bit sore from our events from earlier and followed Dean out into the living room. I guess I was more tired than I thought, a yawn escaping me. Climbing to sit on the bar stool, I yawned again as he placed a plate full of food in front of me. My stomach rumbled, and I looked down in embarrassment.

Rather mention it, he only gestured for me to eat the food. It was white rice and some sort of curry chicken on top, and I didn't waste any time before I dug in.

"How is it?" He asked, taking a seat beside me. I was in the middle of a bite, chewing thoughtfully as I took in his cooking. It wasn't bad at all, in all honesty. It was a pretty simple South Asian dish to make, however the fact that he made it properly is what sold me.

"You're not that bad of a cook, pretty boy."

He smirked, grabbing a glass of water and taking a sip. "Not that bad?" He repeated and I rolled my eyes on a smile, nudging him playfully with my shoulder.

"Hey, did you happen to bring my notes with you? I still have some studying to do on that topic."

I swallowed the food in my mouth, nodding. "Yeah, it should be in my binder. I'll get it to you later."

I had finished my plate pretty fast, yearning for a second but I didn't want to look greedy. Dean frowned at me, turning my barstool so I faced him.

"When was the last time you ate properly? And that pizza we had doesn't count, you barely finished your one slice."

I hesitated, opening my mouth to lie before I saw his concerned expression. Sighing, I rubbed my hand over my face to wipe away the last bit of sleep and to hide myself away from a reaction I knew he was about to have.

"Last week," I mumbled.

"What?" He exclaimed.

My hunger subsided due to thoughts about Devon and his texts, and oxy. I seemed to unknowingly replace all my meal with it and some water. I knew it was bad but the pain was worse. Alex would sometimes bring food over but I would excuse myself, always feeling like I was about to puke.

"Sophia, why weren't you eating?"

"Eating wasn't exactly the number one thing on my mind, Dean." I sighed, looking down. I couldn't handle him looking at me like I was delicate again.

"Sweetheart," He sighed, his hand cupping my cheeks to lift me to his gaze. "You need to eat. You wanna get better, right?"

I nodded.

"Good. That means eating proper meals. Some coffee or a granola bar isn't going to cut it, that isn't healthy. Here," He placed more food onto my plate.

Before I could dive in again, he pulled me towards his body, wrapping his arms around my shoulders gently, one hand cupping the back of my head.

"One week?" He muttered to himself in disbelief, placing a kiss on the top of my head.

I let myself be comforted by him, understanding where he was coming from. He was right, that wasn't healthy, however going days without food was something my body was used to and so larger meals wasn't exactly something I could eat all the time. Though, I had to try for myself. My body wasn't going to heal off of coffee or water, and I wasn't going to restrict myself to that lifestyle anymore. He pulled away, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear and we quietly went back to finishing our meals.

"Can I take a shower after?" I asked Dean, he was washing the dishes as I sat back on the bar stool.

"Yeah, give me a second and I'll get you a clean towel."

I nodded, patient and watched him set the now clean dishes on the drying rack, wiping his hands off with a dish towel before gesturing for me to follow him to the bathroom. Opening a closet door, Dean rummaged through it before handing me a fluffy white towel, letting me walk into the bathroom before I paused, hand on the door.

"I forgot to bring my clothes."

"Just shout when you're done and I'll lock myself in my room."

I gave him a look, leaning against the frame of the door. "You do know you've already seen me naked, right?"

"It's called respect, Soph. If you're more comfortable, you should get your clothes right now to save yourself the hassle."

I sighed, shaking my head. "It's fine, I'll just run really fast. I'm too tired to walk all the way over there anyway."

He only shot me an amused expression, leaving me alone so I could finally take a shower. I shut the door before stripping off my clothes, tossing them in a hamper I found in the bathroom. My brush was already in here so I took it out, running it through my hair to get rid of any major tangles before finally turning on the shower, letting it get to my desired warmth and stepping in.

Closing my eyes, I sighed as I let the water wash away all my worries. I tilted my head back so the water ran over my face too, letting my thoughts dissolve into a blur. Once I felt like I was wet enough, I reached over for the shampoo, pumping it out and then applying it thoroughly on my scalp, scrubbing all over.

Once that was done, I washed away the shampoo, doing the routine one more time before finally moving onto his conditioner. I started to apply it solely to the ends of my hair, leaving it in as I started to scrub myself clean with his shower gel.

Devon used a three-in-one product that supposedly included shampoo, conditioner and body wash. He one bought me a four-in-one that included face wash. Now if that wasn't gross, I don't know what is.

With curiosity, I pulled the bottle of shower gel close to my nose, inhaling the accustomed citrus scent I was used to. With a smile, I closed my eyes and let the water wash away the rest of the product in my hair, finally feeling clean and new again.

Rather than blow dry my hair, I soaked up the majority of the water with a towel before letting it fall down my back and moving onto my body and face to finish my regular shower routine. Once completed, I wrapped the large towel around myself, opening the door wide enough to let out a shout.

"Dean, I'm finished!"

I heard some shuffling in the kitchen, some music was playing and I guess it drowned out my calls. Without a worry, I started to walk my way over to my temporary bedroom, shutting the door and walking over to my dresser to change into some new clothes.

A knock sounded at my door when I managed to pull a shirt over my head, turning my body towards it as I pulled the hair up and out of the material.

"Come in." I called out to him, walking over to the mirror in the room and pumping a few squirts of moisturiser into my hand. Dean opened my door, seeing me freshly showered and dressed and walked in, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Hey, those notes?" He reminded me and I nodded, pointing over to my school bag that was currently resting in the corner. I rubbed in the lotion, keeping my eyes on myself as my gaze fell to my neck, Dean's necklace still in place. I really should return it, I told myself, but the selfish need to keep it made me hold that thought, not saying anything.

Dean was suspiciously quiet and when I turned my head to look over at him, I understood why. Beside him on the floor were the notes he had lent me, however, he was busy staring at something in his hand, unmoving.

"Dean? What's going on?" I inquired, stepping closer.

At the sound of my voice Dean stood up, turning around clutching an orange pill bottle in his right hand.

My heart fell to my stomach, glancing up at him in alarm as I took a step forward.

"Why do you have this, Sophia?"

"It's just pills for my headache." I lied.

"You take oxycodone for your headaches?"

Oh shit.

When I didn't reply he walked the rest of the way until he was in front of me.

"Why do you have this?" He repeated softly, the hand holding the bottle shaking slightly. I gauged in his reaction, seeing that while he was upset, there was something else in his gaze entirely. Fear. He was scared.

"Why do you think?" I whispered back.

When he didn't reply, I extended my hand forward to take them back into possession, but he moved it over his head, not giving me a chance.

"Dean, give those back." I pleaded. He only shook his head, denying me again and I felt frustration crawl up my body, begging once more. "Dean-"

"Is this why you didn't eat all week?"

The guilt must've shown on my face because he immediately stalked towards the bathroom.

"Dean, don't!"

He ignored me, twisting open the cap but before he could dump it out I pleaded again.

"Don't! What if I need it again?"

"Why would you need it again?" He turned his head to look at me.

"I just...I'm not addicted. I am not an addict, if that's what you're worried about. It's just the only thinking that numbs the pain when it gets too unbearable to handle."

I could tell he was weighing in what I was saying, the hand holding the bottle shaking far more for it to be subtle and I stood there, confused on why he was so rattled by this. People did drugs all the time, the parties he went to had people doing them. What was so different about me?

"That isn't a good enough reason. Actually, that's a better reason why you shouldn't have these anymore. Do you know how people get addicted? Because it helps, because it numbs the pain. They go from not wanting to feel sometimes, to not wanting to feel at all. And excuse me if I'm not wanting to sit around enabling you because you're scared." He sighed, shaking his head as he continued. "And I understand why you're scared, Sophia. But you don't need to be anymore."

"I can't just shut off my paranoia like you can," My voice shook. Tears welled in my eyes and I knew he could see them. I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty, but he just didn't know how terribly I suffered to have to get to this point. What it so wrong that I needed a break from myself some time to time?

"I know, Sweetheart. I'm sorry you're scared at all." He softly said before nodding to the pills "But this? This won't solve anything."

"It helps," I murmured.

"For now." Dean added.

"Why can't for now be good enough?"

"No, Sophia. We're not doing this. If you still feel pain we'll get you something for it but you are not taking oxycodone anymore."

"I told you I hate being controlled, and you said that you respected that yet you keep trying to control me!"

At my desperation, Dean dumped the pills in the toilet, flushing before I could talk and then looking at me, his fear replaced with concern and determination.

"There is a huge difference between caring and controlling." He breathed out. "And I hate the fuck out of the guy who did this to you, but I am not him."

Dean walked over to me, gently cupping my face. His thumb ran over beneath my eyes, wiping away the tears. My chest hurt, seeing how gentle he was with me. It was times like this where I wanted to freeze the moment and live in it forever, closing my eyes as I let a few more escape.

"I'm not him, Sophia." He whispered.

"I don't know what caring feels like," I whispered. Realization was setting in, and I let myself get lost in my newfound discovery. "I don't know what love feels like. Or home. Or family. Or anything." I pulled away from his grasp, looking at myself in the mirror. In this moment, I was exactly the same yet completely different. Unknown and familiar. Present and gone.

What the fuck was happening to me?

"I...I thought I knew with Devon. I thought that he cared for me but he didn't. He never did, it was all a facade in the beginning so he could have someone he could manipulate. I don't know what caring feels like." I was shaking beyond control and I felt like gasping for air. My chest was constricting and the more I thought, the more I noticed it was getting harder to breathe.

Dean took my face in his hands once again, speaking to me but I couldn't hear him. My ears pounded and I needed to sit down, not having the energy to hold myself up anymore. My hand came up to yank at the collar of my shirt, peeling it away from my neck hoping it'd help pour some oxygen into my lungs. They felt like they were on fire.

I choked with the struggle, gasping desperately as my hand met a wall and I held on, hoping the coolness would snap me out of this misery.

Dean brought us down on the ground slowly, stroking my hair away from my face and I didn't need to look at him to know he was worried. I could hear the slight murmur of his words, the only sound I tried hearing to help me bring me out of this insanity.

"Focus on my voice, Sophia. I'm right here with you." He said softly.

I nodded, letting him know I understood.

"Just breathe with me, I'm right here. Listen, in," He took a deep breath in. "And out." He exhaled softly.

He ran it through with me, my body slowly but surely calming down its tremors. I was still shaking, not as heavily or desperately as before but I still wasn't quite back to normal yet.

"Good girl," He praised. "One more time, Sophia."

He continued, taking exaggerated deep breaths in and out.

I breathed out. Closing my eyes I focused on the way Dean breathed. My head fell against his chest, my body finally calm as traces of tears flooded down my face.

Somewhere in the midst of it all, I started to realize that he was tapping the same rhythm I had tried to do earlier, helping me move back into a safe headspace.

I let myself dissolve to the sound of his presence, desperately seeking comfort in it. My hands took fistfuls of his t-shirt, scared to death that in the flash of an eye, he would be gone.

Once my breathing returned to normal, I pulled out of Dean's hold despite wanting to.

"Thank you," I said sincerely.

He shook his head, "Don't thank me for something like this, Sophia. Are you alright or do we need to go over breathing exercises one more time?"

"I'm okay," I answered honestly. "I don't know what happened."

"I think... you had a panic attack."

"Oh."

I didn't know what to say. Or how to even feel at this point. I just wanted to forget, though by the look on his face I knew he wanted to continue on with our conversation from before but stopped himself, most likely wanting to give me a break. He was kind like that, I saw. Always thinking of others and their safety. He was probably the most selfless person I know.

"Sophia..." He started, swallowing thickly. "We should probably talk more about this tomorrow. But right now it's late and you should really rest."

I could only nod, agreeing with him on the outside when on the inside, I wanted to do nothing more than forget this ever happened.

Helping me stand, he shut off the bathroom light and walked me over to my room, standing by the door as he watched me slide under the sheets of my bed. With a hesitant step, he finally walked inside, avoiding my gaze.

I sat up, patting the space in front of me with confusion. My throat still hurt with the panic attack, but Dean seemed nervous and I wanted to try and ease it.

"Dean? What's going on?"

"Did I...was I the reason you had your attack?" He looked so guilty that I could almost cry, pushing off my sheets before crawling over to him.

"No. No you weren't. I think..." I paused, trying to articulate my thoughts in a way that wouldn't worry him further. "My brain was in information overload. It wasn't you but me and my mind with realizing just how fucked up I was. Dean you just..." I paused, swallowing down another wave of tears as my voice cracked on the next few words. "You're the first person in my life to care about me in a while. And somewhere along the way, especially with living with an abuser, I forgot just how good that felt, which made me think about how this feeling was different from when I thought people cared about me before."

"And was it?" He asked, taking a hold of my hand and playing with my fingers. "Different, I mean."

"Yes," I smiled through my tears. "Very."

He let out a breath of air, nodding with this new information before finally talking himself, making me shift closer.

"I had a friend once..." He softly spoke, avoiding looking directly at me. His head was tilted down, hands still fidgeting with my fingers. "Who was so deep into drugs, it almost killed him. And being that person on the sidelines, slowly watching them deteriorate away into a shell of who I used to know...it fucking killed me inside. I let it happen once before, Sophia." He moved his head so we were staring at each other. His expression killed me, his face drawn in so deep he almost looked to be in severe pain. "And I would rather die than enable someone again."

"Dean..." I choked out, wrapped my arms around him in a hug. It took him a few seconds but he finally reciprocated it. Burying his face in the side of my neck as he breathed in deep, shaky, like he was holding back a sob.

"I know I could have gone about confronting you in a better way. I'm really sorry for the way I handled that, especially if you were addicted. Doing something so extreme could have pushed you to the edge. I wasn't thinking, just acting in pure fear. I'm sorry, Sophia."

His apologies were killing me and I shook my head, tightening my hold. A lot of the things made sense now with this new information. Dean's tendency to be antisocial, his fear when he thought I was about to faint. I realised that there was so much more about him that I didn't know...and I found myself wanting to.

"I understand," I whispered, tucking my body against his. "I understand."

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A/N: if you're confused on whats going on, basically i am rewriting pessimist!! the majority of the events will stay the same however i really wanted to shift around a few things such as dialogue, smut, some moments and give dean more of a backstory so he is just more than sophias love interest.

as i finish editing each chapter, ill post it and so on. for second time readers:
i hope you like this new version as much as you liked the old version.

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