Everything affects everything.

The butterfly effect; logic that everything has consequences, whether good or bad.

I'm starting to understand what they mean by this now, why somehow an innocent act has gotten me stuck in a party where I am alone, cold, and forgotten. There's a high that numbness gives you that no other drug can. The cold feeling of not feeling, the unawareness of time and place, the loss of smell, hearing, and sight.

I think there are tears streaming down my face but I can't see. I think I have a headache but I can't feel it. The bright LED lights of the party hammer against my blurry eyes, the sound of distant pop music and conversations drowning out any thoughts I may have.

At the end of the day, I am to blame.

Because I decided to come here.

This was supposed to be my fresh start, this was supposed to be a different situation. Yet I know that I could move a thousand times and still be stuck at this stupid.

Alone.

Cold.

Forgotten.

Party.

Breathing in heavily, I grip the red solo cup filled with unknown liquid. The strong smell of sweat, weed and cheap liquor bring my headache to life. I can smell it again but I wish I couldn't. It was all too much; the strobe lights, the dancing bodies, the smoke, the suffocation, the drink, the cold floor.

Everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

I need to get out of here.

Taking another deep breath, I stand up slowly, steadily, gripping the smooth wall ahead of me to balance out the headrush.

But I couldn't get up.

Trying once again, my knees failed to cooperate as they stayed put, locked and pulled towards my chest like they were seeking embrace. This was a terrible time to shut down, I told myself. A fucking horrible time.

"Come on," I muttered, "Get up."

My brain was in survival mode, shutting itself down as it awaited for an attack that never came. Escaping something so adrenaline filled had that effect on your body, like it was still getting used to being normal again without the havoc of a potential threat.

"Do you need help?"

Looking up, a shadow of a person spoke. Soft and deep, like they were telling me a secret. It was a miracle that I heard them through this messy fog of voices and music, the smell now burning itself into my mind as I refocused on the task at hand.

"Nope, actually I was having a floor party," I grinned, grimacing at my fake burst of happiness. I need to get a grip of myself if I don't want to look like a major fool.

They frowned.

Sighing, I nodded, waiting for them to bend down and reach me, lifting me off the ground and into their arms. The sudden movement imploded a harsh wave of pain to my head. Quickly pressing a hand to my forehead, I stayed put with my eyes shut.

"Are you alright?"

The same groggily voice whispered into my ear, soothing the ache. I realized their proximity and moved away, nodding my head at them.

"I'm fantastic. Actually, ask me in five seconds and I'll be elated."

His frown deepened, making my smile dim, so I toned down my next response.

"I'm alright, don't worry. Thanks for the help." I stretched the fake smile back onto my face hoping the shadow wouldn't notice, and then I turned to leave before stopping suddenly with an obvious thought lingering in my head.

I have no clue where to go.

Turning back around, I shamefully walked back towards the shadow, seeing him leaning against the wall with his arms over his chest. His unhappy energy was evident, radiating off of him like it was a norm and he watched me curiously as I sucked in a small breath.

"Could you please show me the exit?" My voice was small, the blur of the party waving back to me harder than earlier and I was cursing myself for drinking something I hadn't poured myself.

But I was desperate. I needed an escape. It was a spur of memories that led me to now.

"Okay."

I nodded at him, grateful and followed them towards the exit. Bodies flew by around me, groping and grinding, moving to the beat of the music. Their joy was suffocating, exhausting. But I was jealous.

"Not much of a talker, are you?" I tried to converse again, hoping the tension in my mind would reduce. I wanted to forget my past and be a different person at this second. I wanted to pretend that I was just another normal college senior ready to graduate, the one who came to this party to drink after a math test, the one with no pain and trauma.

The sudden crisp smell of fresh air filled my nose and I took a noisily deep breath in, hoping the blur had tampered down enough that I could make it back to my dorm.

Or even the hallway, at this point.

Ignoring my earlier question, he talked. "Where do you live?"

"What, so you can kidnap me?"

His unimpressed look made me roll my eyes, goodness a mood killer wasn't he?

"I live on campus, why?"

He shrugged, starting to walk. "I'll walk you there."

I paused for a mere second, contemplating my situation before catching up with him without protest. It's not as if this night could get any worse.

The moon's light illuminated the sidewalk, drawing a path for me to go down while I followed the mysterious guy when a sudden realization had hit me.

I had escaped.

I had escaped and could pretend to be someone new, someone normal with a life much fuller and happier than my previous one.

I could be someone social, someone who could finally have friends and that thought alone had me asking my next question.

"What's your name?" I asked thoughtfully. He was tall, much taller than me, his strides elongating his legs and I had to take two steps for every one that he did.

The night was silent. Quiet enough that you could hear your heart beating.

He didn't reply, making me huff out a sigh. He was so difficult, it was almost astounding. Were people normally this anti-social?

"Well mines Sophia. You must go to campus if you were at this party. Unless you're some kind of dropout, but you don't look like one..." My voice trailed off, my eyes caressing their way down his body. I took in his clothes. He was wearing slightly baggy jeans and an oversized sweater in black, three stripes of green streaking across his chest. Peeking out from under his thin sweater was a white slightly oversized button down, his feet clad in dark green high top converse.

He raised an eyebrow at me, scowling, his hands shoved deep into his pockets noticing the time I took to analyze him. Ignoring my wandering eyes, he spoke up. "And what does a dropout look like to you, Sophia?"

My name on his tongue sounded like honey. Thick and silky. I felt a shudder run up my spine at the sound of it, my brain not being able to process the idea of someone other than myself saying my name with equal content.

"Not you," I shot back, jogging slightly to keep up with his strides. He was fast and I wasn't one to keep up my steps to ten thousand a day.

"And why not?" His amusement brought out annoyance in me, the sudden urge to trip him fled my mind.

"This isn't twenty questions," I scoffed, "What's your name?"

"This isn't twenty questions," He deflected, making me groan in irritation. He was getting infuriating and it almost made me want to smile.

"Tell me it so I feel safe." I offered, unbeknownst of what would make him crack.

It was then when he answered, a quick "Dean" making me almost pause in awe at how the mere idea of me being uncomfortable had him wanting to respond. He was weird– different almost in a way where he was very hard to perceive. Unlike me, he was a very closed book.

Seeing the look on my face, he looked down, almost embarrassed and I grinned wide. 

"Do you feel safe?" He asked softly, the rasp keeping it a bit rough and I nodded, remaining silent for the rest of the walk back.

In a matter of minutes we had reached campus, the stone in my heart sinking as I realized I had failed in making my first friend. This wasn't as easy as I've read in books, might I add. Main characters seem to instantly gain best friends left and right with just a smile and a wave.

Looking back at Dean, I watched the soft wind brush his hair back from his face. A genuine smile crossed my features and I thanked him for the walk. He shrugged, nodding at me and turned to walk away.

Ask him to stay. Ask him for his number. Ask if you can be friends.

But I didn't. Instead, I watched his retreating figure until he was barely visible in the dark, sighing as I walked to my dorm. I was a coward, I know, but interacting with others wasn't as easy as I thought in my mind and so I lifted myself up with another pep talk.

No, I thought. I am not giving up. You will find him tomorrow and you will be friends.

My heart was rapid against my chest as I took in the last twenty-four hours of my life.  I had already experienced the worst, it can only get better from here.

- - -

Living in a dorm was definitely not the highlight of my senior year but I had to make due with what I could afford. Besides, I should be grateful enough that all my credits had transferred so I would not have to repeat another year of University. Showering and then pulling on baggy jeans and a t-shirt, I slipped on some jewelry and sneakers before grabbing my bag and making it out the door. I had let my hair down due to it slightly being wet, and since I did not own a hair dryer I resorted to air drying. Besides, my hair was curly and adding it to my South Asian background it was better to keep it away from heat so it wasn't prone to heat damage.

Slipping my phone out of my pocket, I pulled up my schedule and searched for my class not quite used to the layout of this campus.

Law - Lecture Room 107

With a sigh, I made my way around, eventually finding the lecture room and pushing the door open to step inside. Seats were starting to fill up and there was still less than ten minutes before class started, so I started to walk up the stairs toward the back of the room in case I needed to escape quietly without drawing attention.

After class you need to find him, I reminded myself, eyes searching for a row of kind looking people when surprise filled my eyes as I glanced at the person sitting in the last aisle.

Dean.

Taking a deep breath in, I slapped on a smile and made my way towards him. He had his laptop pulled out, his eyebrow pulled down as his fingers flew across the keyboard. He seemed to be in a rush, almost as if he needed to get something done before a deadline.

"This class must be hard if you've already written notes beforehand," I called out, dropping my bag next to the desk and dropping down beside him.

His head shot up, confusion and then recognition crossed his eyes as he leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest as he nodded his head at me in a sort of greeting. Today he was wearing simple baggy black jeans again with a white t-shirt. A black button down that was unbuttoned was pulled on top and this time, he wore black hightop converse.

He really must love converse.

"Sophia," He acknowledged, his head tilting in my direction. The remembrance of my name made my heart full. It felt nice to be remembered once in a while, always being the forgotten fog when others who were louder and more curious were around. It wasn't their fault, of course. I was naturally quiet around people who made me uncomfortable.

"Dean." I said back, trying to act unbothered by his wandering stare as I pulled out my laptop. It was a few years old but still worked great, cracking open the top for it to reveal my homescreen. I started to type in my password, from there opening up a blank doc so I could get ready for note taking. It'd be unlikely though, since this was an introductory class but you can never know with professors.

"What are you doing here?" The question made me laugh, my eyes glanced back towards him and I immediately paused, knowing he wasn't joking.

"Well I came here to learn about law. Why? Did you come for a different reason?"

"Don't be smart," He snapped.

"You kind of have to be in this profession. You know, you kind of sound like my father with that attitude."

"I could be."

His response hung in the air and it was almost comical with the way a small smile curled at the corner of my lips. I turned back to my screen, trying to keep busy by typing a title to my document as I responded.

"Then you'd be dead." I mused, laughing once I saw his face drop from the corner of my eye.

"Sophia—"

"Whatever," I waved off, my laughter growing.

I saw him open his mouth once more, like he was about to say something before he shut it, huffing out an annoyed breath as he continued to type where he left off. Seats finally filled up and the professor walked in, cracking a joke about the obscurities of law and further going to present a slideshow, everyone relaxing back in their seats once we realized today was going to be light and airy.

As my fingers went to type random letters in my document, all I could think about was the hot and annoying guy that was sitting right next to me.

- - -

Class was soon over and I had a good half an hour before my next lecture. Exploring the grounds seemed like the best idea for now, so I maneuvered my way around the students who lingered on the grass or near the doors. My eyes took in the area, trying to get myself used to the feeling of a new campus. It was weird, I would say. I almost felt like a new kid who had nerves growing deep in my stomach once again.

My phone beeped with a text making my heart jolt, I shakily slipped my phone out of my book bag and clicked it open, letting out a sigh of relief once I saw it was an email alert from the school informing everyone about the upcoming events for newcomers and freshman.

Looking up, I saw a familiar form sitting under a tree, my body automatically walking towards him. Once he saw a figure approaching, he looked up, groaning once seeing it was me.

"Not you again," He muttered, going right back to the screen of his computer. It should've hurt, I admit to myself, but for some reason it didn't. I didn't see him as mean or malicious, rather someone with antisocial qualities just like me.

I laughed under my breath, plopping down next to him as I leaned in to peer at his screen.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm minding my own business. You should try it sometime."

"Hmm," I grinned, "Sounds complicated. I'll let you handle that, pretty boy." His hands stilled over the keys at my pet name, continuing its hurried pace after a few seconds.

He didn't respond, making me grow with curiosity.

"Dean," I prodded and was returned with silence.

"Dean." I tried once more.

"Dea—"

"Yes, Sophia?" His irritation was clear, enhancing my amusement. He was an asshole though he seemed fun.

"I just wanted to say that you have very nice hands." I clasped my own together, nodding down towards him. Turning to look at his face, I saw the small twitch of his lips before he turned it back to a deeper scowl.

"I'm doing some research about potential topics. Particularly, how varying environments can affect your brain in different ways. Such as being in the dark or the light."

Leaning my head against the tree, I looked up towards the sky. It was clear, sprinkled with a few clouds and the slight wind in the air had my hair swaying back and forth softly. The grass under me was lush, cushiony as I made myself get more comfortable beside him.

"You know, light switches are funny to me." I started off soft, releasing a small breath of air. For some reason being near him calmed my erratic heart, bringing peace to mind and a sense of vulnerability peeked out as I continued on.

His hands were slower now as he took in my words, a silent way of telling me to continue.

"In just a flick of a switch, your whole world turns dark. In a literal sense, of course. There was a time when a pitch black room scared the shit out of me, because of how enhanced my hearing become." Smiling, I lazily rolled my head in his direction. "It's weird how once you take away something as simple as sight, the rest of your senses amplify. You can hear every twist and turn, every murmur of the wind against the branches, every sound and every silence." My soft voice filled my ears and I waited, not knowing if I should continue again.

But this time, his fingers had stopped typing completely.

"Darkness can do that to you," Dean responded, agreeing with me. "It's science. Darkness allows the heat of sounds to be more conspicuous, so you're more aware of it. Not only that but you're less stimulated by objects in the dark, nothing but sound to guide you."

"Exactly. It somehow removes all your senses besides hearing. It gives you a spotlight with no light. It removes your safety net. It removes what makes you feel whole...now," I murmed. "I feel safer in a pitch black room."

"It doesn't scare the shit out of you anymore?" He mused.

"Not much scares me now." Smiling weakly, I finished. "Do you have any fears? Heights or spiders, or even something as simple as not being able to walk into a certain room?"

His laptop shut with a thund, making me flinch back. Small glimpses of memories flew by my head one by one and I clenched my jeans with my eyes shut closed, my head tilted down.

"Can you just leave me alone? You're annoying." Was his clipped reply.

Looking wide eyed towards him, I noticed his frown as he took in my position, my hands immediately let go of the cloth on my thighs. I stretched a forceful smile across my face, getting up with him. His reaction to my question made me weary, not of him but of why I had come to the realization that he and I were one in the same.

"No can do, pretty boy. You're stuck with me now whether you like it or not."

Instead of responding, he sighed and bent down to collect his things before retreating back inside. This time, I didn't follow, my smile faltering as I fell to the floor and took a deep breath in, my fingers tapping against my thigh rhythmically to bring myself back into a headspace. A headspace where I let my brain know that I was safe.

Tap, tap, tap.

•••