solar clarke's pov:

When Nicholas was late from the practices, for the first time ever, my first instinct was to text Nathan. I even typed the text out of habit before I realized I wasn't supposed to do so. When Nathan didn't show up to the English class, yet again my first instinct was to text him. Then I remembered he was seeing the speech-language pathologist, and I wanted to call and wish him luck.

Ever since I talked with Liam, I had had a queasy feeling in my stomach. Ever since Nathan told me Audrey Grace asked him out, my chest had felt heavy. Seeing those two talking and laughing together made me want to shout: he's mine, you can't have him. But I didn't. Nathan wasn't mine to keep, and I had no claim on him. If he wanted to be with his long-term crush, I had no say in it.

I knew I should have been happy for Nathan, when the girl he had liked since forever was showing interest in him. They were cute together, no doubt about that. Instead I felt replaced, left out and forgotten. I felt tricked — and angry. 

Nathan didn't exactly seem like he was the happiest guy on Earth, though. I had a feeling he was avoiding me, which both worried and bugged me. He didn't look me in the eye and the stammering was back, even if he only spoke to me bluntly with just a word or two. He was acting like I had hurt him, when I was the one he had hurt.. I think.

°°°°

"How did it go? At the speech-language pathologist?" I couldn't help asking when I stood in the lunch line behind Nathan.

"It was.." Nathan glimpsed at me and quickly turned his gaze away. "Um, o-okay, I think."

"Okay, good." So, that was pretty much the closest of a real conversation we had had since Monday.

Nathan looked so crestfallen I had to fight an urge to hug him, but then Audrey Grace was there and started talking to him. So I clenched my jaw and looked away, feeling like an idiot when I was practically pushing Nathan in her arms instead of fighting to keep him.

But who was I in comparison to the most popular and the most beautiful girl of our school? A girl who was pretty much perf*ct according to everyone?

We had lunch together. Audrey Grace, Nathan, Harper, Liam, Johnny, Kieran and I. I didn't take part in the conversation, when I shoved food in my mouth and swallowed it down without tasting. Every time Audrey Grace giggled or said something, a childish urge to slung the content of my fork to her face instead of my mouth filled my mind.

"Okay, that's it." Kieran prompted as soon as we had returned our trays. He snatched my wrist and dragged me into an empty bathroom. When some guy was about to walk in, Kieran glared at him with murder in his eyes until the guy lifted his hands in defeat and backed away. "What the heck is going on between you and Nathan?"

I blinked several times and stuffed my hands in my pockets, looking away defiantly. But as Kieran kept staring at me, I told him everything from Liam's words to me telling Nathan he and Audrey Grace would make a cute couple. 

"Come here." Kieran ordered. 

"Why?" I narrowed my eyes.

"Just come here." Kieran's voice made it clear he wasn't asking, so I shrugged and walked to him. He flicked my forehead with his forefinger, so hard I yelped. "What was that for?"

"Solar Clarke, you are an idiot." Kieran shook his head. "I don't know what pills Liam's been popping, but there's no way Nathan is into Audrey Grace. That guy is crazy about you, and if you can't see that, you truly are an idiot."

"He's not crazy about me."

"Oh, believe me, he is. He almost kissed you, remember? He only has eyes for you, for god's sake. When he looks at you he smiles like you're his sun, no, like you're his entire world." Kieran listed. 

"Really?" I felt a smile tucking up the corners of my mouth. I had been feeling like crap all week, thinking that Nathan has been after Audrey Grace all this time. 

"Yes, really. And, Solar, you really hurt him this time. What you did to him was way worse than a punch in the face." Kieran's words were like a kick in the guts. "You better fix things with Nathan or I'll milk your spleen." 

"Aren't you supposed to be on my side of this?" I massaged the ruddy spot in the middle of my forehead.

"Nuh-uh. You hurt our Nathan, so I'm forever on his side unless you un-hurt him." Kieran scolded me. I could tell he really meant what he said.

"I.." I glanced around in the bathroom, not knowing what to do. "I need to talk to him." I closed my eyes, nodding slightly while making the decision. "And I need to do it right now."

I opened my eyes, feeling an odd mixture of relief and nerves rushing through my body. Then I made a u-turn and nearly ran out of the bathroom.

"Go get your guy!" Kieran shouted at my back, before the bathroom door swayed shut. I dialled Nathan's number, knowing I needed to do so fast because the class would start in just a couple of minutes. When he picked up, he didn't say anything. 

"Nathan, we need to talk." The words came out breathlessly.

"Now?" Nathan whispered, hesitantly.

"Right now." I demanded. I had waited long enough. "Meet me by the library."

When Nathan didn't answer, but just ended the call, I was certain he wasn't coming. And if Kieran was right, I couldn't really blame him. But then, after a few painfully long minutes, I could hear footsteps echoing in the emptied hallways. Nathan was walking towards me, gripping the strap of his bag and furrowing his brows. I had never seen him that.. fiery.

"What do you want from me?" He huffed, stopping a few steps away from me.

"I'm sorry." I prayed he could see how much I meant it from my eyes, because I found myself tongue-tied. At the worst possible moment. 

"Oh really?" Fuck he was angry. "You can't just do that, you k-know? Make me believe I'm worth something, or that you're into me, and then ditch me like I-I meant nothing to you."

"That's not what I —"

"Then why?" Nathan crossed his arms over his chest while setting his lips in a hard line.

"Liam said you've had a crush on Audrey Grace since forever, so I thought.. that you've liked her all this time." I let my shoulders drop, embarrassed.

"Out of all p-people you decided to trust Liam." Nathan laughed without a jolt of joy. I could hear from his voice that he was fighting back tears. "There's no one who could read the room more wrong than he d-does."

"Really? So you don't have a crush on Audrey Grace?" I lifted my gaze, to meet his burning one.

"I had a crush on her in elementary school." Nathan laughed, and that made me smile. When he saw me smiling, though, his expression hardened. "I told her no — which is something I never do by the way — and that I already h-had someone else I liked. And I would have told you that, if you hadn't told me to go out with her."

"Nathan, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Nathan turned on his heels and started to walk away, his shoulder tensed up and fists balled. Then he halted, glancing over his shoulder and staring at me with new determination in his eyes.

"Tell me again that you d-don't mind if I go out with her, and we're done. Tell me you do mind and I'll kiss you right here and now." The corners of his mouth curved up slightly, but the gaze in his eyes remained serious, challenging.