solar clarke's pov:

It felt like we stood behind the door forever, before I could hear ruffling from the other side and Nathan peeked from the door shink. When he saw us, his eyes widened and his mouth fell open in genuine surprise, like he had forgotten leaving me at school. 

"Hi." Nathan stammered, looking at Kieran and me in turns. The annoyment and frustration I had had towards him just a moment ago was wiped out of my mind as soon as our eyes locked. Something about his worn out gaze made him look older than any 17 years old should look or feel like.

Nathan started to say something when Nicholas appeared behind him. He had never looked less Nicholas-y as he did with his dishevelled hair and reddened eyes. He took one look at Kieran and me before turning to Nathan. "Don't be rude, let them in."

Kieran craned his neck, looking around curiously while we took our seatings on the living room couch. Nathan sat next to me, entwining our fingers hesitantly. He glanced at me, mouthing the word "sorry", and I squeezed his hand to tell him it was okay. Nicholas slumped on one corner, facing us with slight reluctance.

He cleared his throat, then sighed. I wasn't sure what he and Nathan had been talking about, but something about him seemed different. He turned to look at Kieran. "I'm sorry I said those stupid things about you and Choni. I have no other explanation than that I was scared.. and maybe I'm a bit of an asshole."

At least he was aware of it then. Thinking back to the idiotic jokes Nicholas and his group of less known false gods made about Kieran and Choni, I still wasn't too eager to let it go. 

"Not just a bit." Kieran pointed out, lifting his chin defiantly. His gaze turned softer, when he added: "But fine, apology accepted."

"What stupid things are you talking about?" Nathan lifted an eyebrow.

"They weren't all stupid." Kieran shrugged, making both Nicholas and me gape at him. Kieran grinned. "I am a cocksucker."

"Well, so am I." Nicholas chuckled nervously, lowering his face when blush creeped up his cheeks. I'm pretty sure at that point my jaw was hanging open and my eyes popping out of my head, at least that was how Kieran looked. "You saw me with Anshil, right? I'm seeing him."

"For real?" Kieran's eyes lit up and he looked like he wanted to squeeze Nicholas into a hug, completely forgetting about their previous quarrel. "We better get used to each other's company then, because we're spending next Hanukkah together."

After that Kieran and Nicholas got into a conversation about "the incredible feast" Choni and Anshil's mom cooked for Hanukkah. I listened to them, still barely believing my eyes: they were talking like old friends, the hatched buried like it never existed in the first place. 

Nathan and I didn't talk, but instead looked down at our joined hands. As I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb, I didn't even realize the room had gotten quiet. Nicholas cleared his throat and I glanced up. 

"So, you two are dating?" Nicholas lifted an eyebrow, his eyes boring into me. I nodded, not bothering to clarify it wasn't official yet. Then he warned, for the millionth time: "Just don't hit him again." 

"In my defence, I was never planning on hitting him." I pointed out dryly. "You, on the other hand, had it coming."

I could understand Nicholas better now that I knew the jokes were coming from internalized homophobia and his struggle to accept that he and Kieran were the same. But that didn't wipe away the fact Nicholas and his group were a bunch of assholes, nor did it justify him shoving Nathan. And, to be honest, I still kind of wanted to punch him.

"Yeah, you're probably right." Nicholas shrugged. "Sorry."

My mind wandered back to the morning when I stood in the locker room almost ripping my clothes when I pulled them on so angrily. The practice was about to start and I overheard Nicholas and his friends talking bullshit about Mateo, a trans guy who was in his junior year of Frostford High. As I said before, I was just waiting for a good enough reason to smack that smug grin off his face, and that bullshit was definitely enough of a reason. 

Even if Kieran told me Nicholas making fun of him wasn't a big deal, I knew he was lying the moment he told me he had lost his temper and tried to punch Nicholas. If Kieran, who was smart enough to stay out of trouble, was getting into a fight over something, it was definitely a big deal. By some miracle no one had gotten injured that day, but I wasn't planning to let Nicholas get away without a punishment.

So, I decided I was going to smack his face in after the practice and then give him a little speech about him being a homo- and transphobic bully. Only to, of course, end up hitting his twin brother who had absolutely nothing to do with the matter.

"I try not to punch you either." It was as close to accepting Nicholas' apology as I could get, but I did give him a big grin. "Just don't think that because you're cis, you can —"

My long-awaited harangue was interrupted by Nicholas' phone. He was still looking at me, when he dug the phone from his pocket. He actually seemed interested in what I had to say before glancing at the caller ID. 

"It's Anshil." Nicholas' eyes lit up and a dreamy smile spread on his lips when he said the name. There was no doubt he was head over heels for the guy. Then he glanced at me and the others apologetically and got up from the couch: "I need to take this."

"I should get going too, so you two can talk." Kieran gave me a meaningful look. He plugged in his earbuds and slouched to the door. Then he was gone and it was just me and Nathan in the living room.

"Next time, please don't run away like that." I fixed him a look.

"I'm sorry. I won't, I p-promise." Then he sighed, lowering his gaze. "How much do you know about my dad and his addiction?"

"Kieran just told me some of it, but I'd like to hear the rest from you." I didn't have to ask twice, because Nathan was just as done with keeping secrets as I was.