nicholas dawson's pov:

When Anshil found me from the shadowy bedroom, where I was hiding from a party that was getting all too noisy for my liking, I knew in an instant that he saw me as I was. He didn't know me. I mean, sure, he had heard of me, but he didn't know me. Yet, before he even sat down on the floor next to me, I could tell he already knew me better than anyone else. He could see right through me.

"It's quite a party downstairs." At first I couldn't make out the words, I was too immersed with the way he said them. His voice was deep, a little raspy, his tone nonchalant. I just stared at him like an idiot, until he asked: "Are you okay?"

I was so good at hiding my emotions that none of my friends even thought to ask me if something was wrong. I, on the other hand, was so used to lying, that all I did was shrug and laugh like it was a stupid thing to ask. 

Anshil narrowed his eyes, and my gaze got stuck in his thick eyelashes that rimmed the most gorgeous eyes I had ever seen. Then my focus wandered to the smooth skin, shades darker than mine, and lastly to his lips. I remember thinking how the shape of his lips made him look like he was always wearing a smile. He noticed me staring, but wasn't bothered by it. 

Somehow I ended up telling him what was on my mind: all the tiny details of how I felt like I was living a lie, how everyone expected me to thrive in anything I put my mind to and how exhausted I was trying to meet their expectations. To meet the expectations I have for myself. How everyone thought I was the golden boy, when I wasn't even worth silver or bronze. 

I told Anshil all of those things before I even knew his name. Maybe it was just the alcohol in my blood talking, but something about him made me feel like I could trust him. Like I could tell him all my secrets. He let me talk, not saying much but listening intently and sometimes rewarding me with a smile. I was afraid to close my mouth, because I thought that would make him leave. 

In the end it wasn't Anshil who had to go. Audrey Grace kept bugging me with texts and calls until I gave in and joined her, Samuel and Alex downstairs. 

I didn't understand why I was so bummed to leave Anshil and go to my girlfriend. I didn't understand why the text I got from him soon after made me smile so widely. I didn't understand why I wanted to keep texting with him the rest of the night and continue in the morning, but the truth was that my life had turned upside down the moment Anshil walked into that room.

Audrey Grace and I, we were never the perf*ct couple everyone pictured us to be. I think we ended up dating, because that's what everyone expected from us. We were always together, ever since elementary school. We even created a code language just so that we could tell each other secrets. Nathan went everywhere with us back then, but somehow it was always decided Audrey Grace and I would end up together.

Then Jonathan got sick and it changed everything. I envied Nathan, whose first instinct was to get closer with Jonathan instead of pulling away. He wasn't afraid of visiting him in the hospital or letting him close only to lose him one day. That's the difference between Nathana and I: he cares. He cares about his family so much that sometimes I worry if he'll have any love and care left for himself. 

I couldn't be there for Jonathan and I was sure we would lose him like we lost our father, so I decided the least I could do was make sure our parents didn't have to worry about my future. I knew I could get better, to do more, to be more.

I just didn't know it would be so hard. Or that no matter how many people praised me or told me they were proud of me, it wouldn't change a thing if I still felt inadequate inside.

Before I met Anshil, I had no idea what love felt like. I thought I had it with Audrey Grace, because I do love her. She didn't make my heart beat any faster and I didn't yearn to kiss her, but being with her made me feel warm inside. She made me laugh and she was fun to be around with. I just didn't realize how big of a difference it was to love someone and to be in love with someone.

Whenever I saw Anshil, my heart started thudding so fast it was like it wanted to leap out of my chest straight to his arms. More often than not, I forgot to listen to what Anshil was saying when I just stared at his lips and fought the urge to lean in to kiss him. Yet, even with all those signs, I refused to believe what that told about me.

The day Anshil kissed me for the first time, I took all my frustration out on Kieran. A part of me hated him for being so openly who he was, that he didn't have to hide from all of his friends.

I didn't know Kieran's boyfriend was Anshil's brother, but once I found out, I was terrified Anshil would hate me for what I did. He didn't. I mean, he wasn't exactly happy about it, but he forgave me. Which only proved that he's way too good for me. He knew I was scared of people finding out about us, so he gave me time. He agreed to keep it a secret. 

Until Audrey Grace broke up with me, giving Anshil hope that I would come out now that I didn't have a girlfriend. He was done hiding and he wanted the world to know how much I meant for him. The issue was that I wasn't any less scared of doing so, any more eager to let people know about my feelings for him.

How could I come out as gay, when all I had done for the past years was making fun of them? How could a homophobic bully, whose friends all made those stupid jokes, tell his friends that it was because he has been gay all along? And how well did being gay sit in the image of all so perf*ct golden boy?

Anshil tried to be understanding, but even he had his limits. We would fight, only to sneak out to see each other in the middle of the night and make up. Then we would fight again. Until he told me it was either stop hiding or losing him; he wouldn't out me, but he wasn't going to wait for me forever either.

"I'm scared to death of losing him, but I'm also scared to come out." Nathan and I sat on the kitchen floor, leaning our backs against the cabinet doors. I was still crying, although I kept wiping the tears away with the back of my hand as soon as they started flowing. "What will mom think? Or dad? Or Samuel or Alex or Audrey Grace?"

"I think.. I think that Audrey Grace already knows." Nathan mumbled.

"What? She told you that?"

"No, not exactly.. but she said something about you being t-the real reason for your breakup." Nathan twiddled the hem of his shirt and looked away. 

I didn't know what to say to that, so I just stared at the clock on the wall, thinking. I was so exhausted it was almost like thinking hurt my brain, or maybe it was just another migraine on its way. 

"But you're okay with it?" I broke the silence eventually. Nathan lifted an eyebrow, his face one big question mark. "With me being gay?"

At first Nathan just stared at me. Then he burst out laughing, until he was holding his stomach and tears prickled to his eyes. I didn't know whether I was supposed to be offended by that, so I just glared at him until the laughter died down. When I snapped "What?", he held his hands up in surrender.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry." He muttered, then looked up at me. "I don't know what are the odds that we're both gay."

"Huh?"

"I-I'm seeing Solar." Nathan admitted, a blush creeping up his face. 

"Clarke?" I gaped at him. "You and Clarke? For real?"

Nathan opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it when the doorbell rang.