"Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there's no one else to blame..."
~ Breathe Me, Sia

*****

I curled up against Roman, pressing my cheek against his chest. His arms wrapped around me, and I felt his lips on my head. I reached down and pulled the blanket over our naked bodies, encasing us in warmth.

The next few minutes passed by in silence. I didn't mind. I wasn't really in the mood to talk. I couldn't get what Niccolò said out of my head.

Roman must have sensed something was off, because he gently began to stroke my hair—his way of comforting me when he knew I was in a bad mood. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Neila."

"Roman."

He chuckled. "Tell me what's bothering you."

"So you can kill it?" That would more or less be the outcome.

"So I can help you," he corrected.

I sighed and wrapped a leg around his torso. "Really, it's nothing major."

"Your minor problems are my major problems, kroshka. Tell me."

"I..." I could tell him part of it, right? I could tell him I went to lunch with Niccolò yesterday. But, of course, if he asks why or what we'd discussed, I'd have to formulate a lie. I was too tired to lie. So I diverted. I laid my hands flat on his chest, and rested my chin on top so I could look him in the eyes. "I want to know something, but I don't know how to ask you."

"Just ask."

"It's not that easy."

"Nothing ever is with you." He sat up, making me sit up as well. He gathered me in his arms and pulled me onto him. "You can ask me anything."

"Okay, just...don't get weird about it."

"About...?"

I took a deep breath before saying it. "What if I told you I loved you?"

He blinked, his mouth opening and then closing. Seconds passed with him only doing that. I bit my lip in anticipation.

"Wow," he finally breathed, his eyelashes fluttering. "Really?"

I hesitated before nodding.

His lips stretched a wide grin and he suddenly flipped us over, pinning me down on the bed and pressing his lips to mine.

"I've been trying to figure out how to tell you," he murmured. "You're extremely difficult to understand."

My mouth twitched.

"I do too. I hope you know that." He pulled back so he was looking at me, a smile tugging at his lips. "I love you too."

*****

"Knew you'd call. Though I admit, I expected it to take a little bit more thought."

"I'm not doing it."

There was a pause. "What?"

"I'm not helping you. He loves me."

There was another pause, this time a little longer than the first. Then he barked out a laugh. "And? Is that it? Great. That's what we needed."

"Are you not listening to me?"

It was like talking to a freaking brick wall. He was stubborn and so self-assured, and it was the most infuriating thing.

"No, I heard you. So far you've only given me a reason as to why you should help me." He waited a moment before continuing. "He loves you. That's all we needed."

"No, Niccolò." I sighed and rubbed my temples. This conversation was physically draining me. "I'm not doing it."

"You will."

"No."

"Do you ever get tired of that word?"

"No."

"You won't help because he loves you. What about you? Any other woman would refuse to help because she loves him."

My jaw clenches.

"I know you, baby. And I know you don't love him. Stop fighting with me."

The little nickname was dropped so easily, I nearly missed it. My heart rate increased for a moment, waiting for him to realize he'd said it, but nothing happened. Either he hadn't realized or it meant nothing.

"Go to hell," I countered.

"Only if you come join me."

I knew he was smiling, even if I couldn't see him.

"Come on, Neila. Sixty-forty. It's a great fucking deal. And then you can do whatever and go wherever and see whoever. You'd be untouchable. Isn't that what you want?"

"Christopher promised me the same thing."

"He's dead. Who cares what he promised? I'm not him."

"You're worse."

"I don't make promises I don't intend to keep. I'd say I'm an upgrade, wouldn't you?"

I refused to answer that. "I'm not doing it."

"Oh," he sighs. "God, you are insufferable. You're going to drag this out until I tell you what you want to hear, right? So what do you want to hear? I'm sorry?"

"I don't want to hear shit. I'm done with—"

"If you disagree, I'll make sure he knows everything. Everything."

My face fell. "No, Niccolò—"

"Then you know what you have to do." I could almost see the smug look on his face.

My eyes lowered and I ran my fingers through my hair. How? How could I do this?

How'd I get here?

"Sixty-forty," I spoke slowly, quietly. "With me receiving sixty?"

"You don't get to be nice about it either. You must break his little heart and step over the pieces. Can you?"

I shake my head. Fuck.

"What do you say, bella?"

My leg bounced up and down as nerves took over. Was I really going to fucking do this?

My eyes closed.

Don't get yourself killed. I don't want an urn with your ashes inside.

Somehow I'd managed to memorize everything.

Just don't give up. All I'm asking is for you to never give up on yourself.

I took a deep breath.

You're a survivor.

So fucking survive, okay?

Niccolò was growing impatient. "Neila?"

Fucking survive, okay?

That's all I ever did anymore.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll do it."