• 125: Bittersweet •

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Melody

My last day in inpatient was bittersweet. I was happy to get out of there and be done with forced feedings, daily therapy, and daily vitals checks. I was excited to see Carson, to be back in my own bed and to start trying to live my life like a semi-normal person.

But on the other hand, I was terrified to leave. I'd come so far and was scared anything would cause a relapse. I was also scared to do it on my own. Because my disordered eating behaviour was so engrained into me, I didn't know who I'd be without it. Would Carson still love me now that I wasn't as small as before? Would my father still want to try to get to know me? Would I still get modelling jobs? What would school be like? What would my friends think? There was so much uncertainty to think about. But Dr. Williams, who was now my therapist, would tell me to take it one day at a time. And I would.

My dad picked me up from the hospital and quietly we began to drive home. He had come to see me once during a family visit week. He said I seemed well and gave me the heads up that Mia would still be living with us, despite what happened with her mother. And I told him I was okay with it, though the closer we go to home, the more anxious I felt.

"You okay?" My dad asked. My mouth moved to form the word 'yes' but Dr. William's voice in the back of my head told me to be honest.

"What's Mia been like? Has she been sad that Margot's in jail now? Is she meaner? Or nicer?" I mumbled.

"She's been okay... I think she's both said and relieved. But I think you two are going to have to talk it all out... I want both my daughters to get along if it's possible."

"Daughters," I mumbled incredulously.

"I know. I'm so sorry I kept it from you. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do," he said. I nodded, though I couldn't stop wringing my hands together. It would be nice to be friends with my sister rather than against her. I guess that meant forgiving her with Margot and starting to think of her 'post-Margot'.

When we pulled into the driveway, my dad spoke again. "Hey, uh, I have a business meeting in Manhattan in two weeks."

"Okay," I said quietly, feeling a sinking feeling in my stomach. Like maybe things were going to stay the same.

"I was thinking...maybe you can come with me and we can go to that museum you like?" My dad continued, fidgeting with the keys in the ignition. My eyes widened in surprise. "I'm mean, that's if you aren't busy catching up in school... It's on a Friday."

"That sounds like fun," I said with a smile. He looked up from the steering wheel dash and smiled back.

I was wrong; things might be different.

***

Mia wasn't home when I got there, and I was glad to have time to collect myself while I settled in. I unpacked the few things my father had grabbed for me when I was admitted, which didn't take as long as I thought it would have, so I sat on my bed and watched an episode of Project Runway.

My phone rang after I finished the episode and I picked up when I saw it was a call from Carson.

"She's home!" he cheered excitedly on the other side of the line. I laughed at his enthusiasm, but felt a warm feeling inside, knowing he was excited I was home.

"I am!" I chuckled.

"I'm glad. I've missed you so much," Carson said. My breath caught in my throat.

"Really?" I replied quietly.

"Of course, I've missed you. I can't wait to see you," he insisted. I smiled.

"I missed you too," I said. "If you're free tomorrow, I can see you."

"Yes please. I'll pick you up in the afternoon?"

"Okay," I said. There was a slight pause before Carson spoke again.

"You sound good," he said softly.

"I am," I replied, my voice as quiet as his was.

"Good. I'll see you tomorrow."

***

Mia didn't get home until around six, which meant it was almost time for dinner. Part of the conditions of me being released was that I would have structured mealtimes, and between my father and Leslie, there was no getting around it. The difference with Margot not being here, was that I didn't have to dress up for dinner but would be okay to remain in leggings and a knit sweater.

As I pulled on a pair of socks, Mia popped by my room.

"Knock knock," she said quietly, as she stood in the doorway, looking around like she hadn't ever been in here – which she hadn't been since she was fourteen.

"Oh, hey." I looked up at her from my bed.

"How are you doing with everything?" she asked.

"It's not easy, but I'm fine," I replied. "I could ask you the same thing."

"It's not easy, but I'm fine," Mia repeated. She cracked a smile and I chuckled.

"So... I've been thinking about what you said in the hospital... and I mean really, really thinking about it. I came to realize, that while it doesn't excuse how mean you were... I get it," I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and swallowed hard. "And I can't imagine how hard it must have all been for you... and I wish we could have been there for each other as sisters." I watched as tears filled her eyes. "I wish we could have spent those years growing closer rather than being pulled apart. And well... I forgive you."

"Melody, you don't hav–"

"I know I don't," I interrupted. "But I do. And while it's going to take some trust building and we won't jump right in; I think we could be close. Or at the very least heal."

"Thank you," she whispered, tears falling down her cheeks.

"Girls?" My dad... well I guess our dad called from downstairs.

"Yeah?" Mia and I yelled in unison. We both smiled slightly at that.

"Dinner!" he shouted back. I took a deep, but shaky breath, and stood up.

"I'll be down in a minute," Mia said, giving me an encouraging smile before disappearing down the hallway.

I headed downstairs and tried to breathe, hoping that the foods I feared most wouldn't be on the table. Hoping that I would be okay no matter what I ate.

When I got downstairs, I breathed a small sigh of relief seeing an assortment of foods on the table. There was steamed vegetables and grilled chicken breasts, which was good. My relief faltered a little when I laid eyes on the mashed potatoes and bread rolls, but I told myself it would be fine.

My father was sitting at the table and smiled at me. "Is Mia on her way down?"

"Yeah, in a minute," I replied sitting next to him. It felt weird to be sitting where Margot usually sat, but it felt like this is the way it should have always been. "We talked."

"Oh?" my dad braced himself, waiting for the news.

"It was fine. I think we'll be okay," I said.

"I'm glad," he smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

Mia soon came downstairs, looking just as comfortable as I was in a pair of ripped jeans and a knit sweater.

"Hey," she said. She smiled and sat down across from me, on the other side of our father. She tied her blonde hair up into a bun and glanced down at the table. "Alright, well... let's not make this weird or anything," Mia said, her usual sassiness peeking out.

"Yeah, let's eat," our dad laughed. I chuckled lightly, hiding the shaky breath that was in my chest. I went for the chicken first and while a bad little voice in my head told me to grab the tiniest one, the more healed part of me grabbed a medium sized piece. I scooped out quite a bit of steamed veggies, and some mashed potatoes. It was balanced, and I didn't have to dive for the bread right away.

We chattered lightly at the table, most of the conversation lead by Mia, as she talked about school. She was pretty good at filling the quiet and I was glad the attention was not 100% on me. I noticed the little sideways glances my dad gave me, and my mind still screamed a little even though it was a healthy meal, but I let myself eat until I was full and no more.

I waited out the slightly guilty feeling I got when I felt full and let the sight of my empty plate replace it with pride. I decided it was okay for me to feel full, even though a part of me didn't want to be. I wanted to keep recovering, and this was the only way.

***

I felt extremely jittery while getting ready the next morning to go see Carson. My room looked like a hurricane had ripped through solely the closet and cast my clothes around my room. But after twenty minutes, I finally settled on light blue, ripped jeans, a white tank top, and a light grey cardigan. I left my hair in its natural brown waves but decided to apply some light make up to my face.

When I looked at my completed look in the mirror, I didn't feel the same level of dread that I used to before going out. It would be a lie to say that it had evaporated, but I didn't feel like hiding in my closet, or going back to bed. At least not today.

And that was huge.

I soon heard Carson's car pull up and a few moments later, the doorbell rang. I ran downstairs and threw the door open, revealing my boyfriend, looking as handsome as ever. He had on a tan jacket over a black shirt, and a pair of dark jeans. He was holding a bouquet in his hand, sunflowers, of course, and my heart seemed to stop in my chest for a moment.

"Mellie," he said, engulfing me into a hug. And in that moment, I forgot to worry about whether or not he could feel if I had lost or gained weight. I was just happy to be in his arms again.

"I missed you," he whispered into my hair.

"I missed you more," I murmured.

"Not possible," he laughed, softly. He let me go and I felt the cool March air fill through my clothes. Carson handed me the golden flowers and I beamed at him.

"You're so sweet. You didn't have to."

"I wanted to," he said.

"Here, come in. I'm going to put this in a vase," I said. Carson stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He kicked off his shoes and followed me into the kitchen. I could feel him watching me as I moved, but I ignored it as I grabbed a vase.

Once the sunflowers were sitting in a water-filled vase in the middle of the dining table, Carson and I grabbed our stuff and headed to his car.

"So, what are we doing?" I asked as Carson turned on the engine.

"It's a surprise!" he practically sang, bopping my nose gently with his finger. I laughed and shook my head, then settled back into the seat. "What do you want to hear?" Carson asked, turning on the sound system.

"Whatever you want," I said.

"I'm not picky," Carson and I said at the same time, making us both laugh.

We drove quietly, indie music filling the car and I looked out the window. I took in the bits of green peeking through the mostly brown landscape around us. There was lingering snow still clinging on to dear life, but the beaming sun made it a challenge for it to stick around.

I could feel Carson glance over at me every so often and I squirmed a little under his gaze. When we pulled into a parking lot I didn't recognize, he looked over at me once again.

"What?" I asked quietly, a half-smile on my face. It was a little self-conscious, a little curious.

"Nothing," Carson smiled. My eyes widened in disbelief as he kissed my forehead and got out of the car. I reached down to grab my purse and by the time I did, he was at my door, holding it open.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"You'll see," he said with a grin. I stuck my tongue out at him and got out of the car. We walked inside a building the moment we stepped foot inside, I knew.

"Really?" I chuckled.

"Yup," he said.

We rounded a corner and saw the dozens of trampolines spread across the place. There was a foam pit and basketball nets also lined with trampolines. I hadn't been here since I was a child and I almost forgot this place existed. I felt my lips spread into a wide smile so wide it almost made my cheeks hurt.

"Ahh!" I squealed. "This is going to be so fun!"

Carson laughed and went to get our non-slip socks and a locker for our things.

We were soon on the trampolines, bouncing and laughing away. Carson kept trying to do cartwheels, which had me laughing so hard I could barely stand.

"Okay, you have to do one," Carson suggested after his seventh failed cartwheel.

"I definitely cannot do a cartwheel!" I laughed.

"You can!" he insisted.

"Fine, but don't say you weren't warned..." I teased before throwing my hands into the air and launching myself into a really crappy cartwheel. I landed on my butt and burst into laughter. I looked to Carson who was looking at me once again, an unreadable expression on his face.

"You keep staring," I mumbled self-consciously, tracing my finger across the trampoline bed.

"I'm just so glad you're here, and that you're healthy," he smiled. He sat down next to me. "You seem happier and it makes me want to just take it in, because it makes me happy." I smiled at that, my heart pounding in my chest.

"I love you," I said. "And thank you for being here for me."

"Always."

"Now, are you ready to get your butt kicked at a slam-dunking contest?" I asked.

"Of course," Carson said, getting up with a laugh.

***

Preparing for school on Monday had my heart doing double time in my chest. I paced in my room that morning, deciding what to wear, anxious about seeing everyone, and about everyone seeing me.

I decided on high waist, blue mom jeans that were loose, but I could belt tightly at the waist. I paired it with a black, long-sleeved top and black boots. I then decided to go the extra mile and straighten my hair. I applied a little bit of makeup and glanced in the mirror.

Of course, I was nervous and the urge to skip breakfast was there, but I looked myself in the eyes and told myself it would be okay. And I deserved to eat breakfast, no matter if my classmates welcomed me back or not.

I headed down the stair and saw Leslie put a plate down in front of Mia. Eggs, fruit, and toast. Gingerly, I walked over and sat with her.

"You look cute," Mia smiled, before going back to her phone.

"Thanks," I said quietly. Leslie soon returned with a plate for me, food matching Mia's plate.

"Don't be nervous today. You can do this," Leslie smiled.

"Thank you," I replied, picking up my fork.

***

The ride to school was quiet, Carson could tell how nervous I was and didn't try to push me to talk about it. Instead, he played the indie songs he knew I liked and told me about the latest shenanigans his younger brother got into with his friends.

When we parked in the school lot, Carson squeezed my hand softly, before unbuckling his seatbelt. I took a deep breath and did the same. Slowly, we walked entered the halls of Alcott High.

The students went noticeably quieter when they noticed two of us, but it didn't feel as much like judgement as it did curiosity. Like everyone wanted to know why I was gone for a month, but knew it was better not to ask. We walked past the jocks and the popular girls, and they didn't seem to hate me like they did before.

They simply nodded at Carson and I and went back to talking.

We walked to my locker and my friends were all there waiting for me. Emma was practically bouncing in place and even Alani was grinning. Noah and Harvey waved as Emma threw her arms around me.

"You're back!" she squealed.

"We missed you girly," Noah added.

"Big time," Alani said.

"I missed you all too," I said with a smile. "Okay, what's different here... everyone isn't acting the same as they were a month ago."

Before anyone could answer, Cora was suddenly standing next to us.

"What the hell do you want?" Alani snapped.

"To apologize..." Cora said quietly. She tucked her thick black hair behind her ear, nervously and continued. "What I did to you Melody was horrible. It was just so I could be friends with Rose and be popular... and I really regret it. I'm so sorry."

"Um, thank you," I said, quietly.

"Oh! I don't know if you knew, but Rose told the principle what really happened at the party. She's suspended for three weeks and Diesel got kicked off the football team and suspended for another week," Cora said. "Anyways, I should get back." She headed back over to her new group of friends.

"Wow," I breathed in disbelief. "I guess that's why everyone's acting differently."

"They finally know the truth," Harvey said.

"She looks miserable," Emma mumbled after a moment.

"She chose it," Alani replied.

The bell rang, breaking up our little circle and sending us to our different classes.

***

At lunch, I went to the art room and found my favourite teacher sitting at her desk. Ms. Foster's face lit up when I walked into the room. I closed the door behind me and smiled at her.

"Hi," I said quietly, as I put my bag at my usual spot and walked over to her.

"Melody, honey, how are you?" she asked, her brown eyes glistening slightly.

"I'm good. It is weird readjusting, but I'll be used to it soon enough," I said.

"I'm glad to hear it," Ms. Foster smiled, noting that it was the most direct answer I'd ever given to that question.

"Did Carson tell you–"

"Everything that you wanted him to," she said.

"Good," I replied, and she smiled knowingly. I sighed. "I know I have a lot to catch up on."

"Don't worry about that... instead, you should focus on this," she started. Ms. Foster reached into her desk and pulled out a brochure. I looked at it in confusion. "I showed a friend of mine, who works in NYU's art and media department, some of your art... and he wants you to formally apply to their art program."

"What?" I asked. "NYU like New York University?"

"It isn't a 100% guarantee, but he thinks you're extremely talented and really thinks you'd get in... he's got a bit of influence too so –"

I interrupted her with a hug. "Thank you!"

"It's not a guarantee! We have lots of work to do for your portfolio!" Ms. Foster laughed, hugging me back.

"I know, but..." I let go of her and took a deep breath. "Why would you do this for me?"

"Because you are a caring, talented, and wonderful person. You deserve it whether you think so or not. I believe in you and I want you to succeed," Ms. Foster said. I felt my eyes tearing up, but I smiled.

"Thank you. For everything," I whispered.

Maybe, I could believe in me too.




_____________

Author's Note: Oh my goshhhhhh!!! I know its been SO long since I've updated, but things have been SO hectic! I hope everyone is holding up well with the quickly spreading coronavirus! Please stay safe and at home away from strangers. And wash your hands! I hope you're all healthy and taking care of yourself both physically and mentally! 

Hopefully this looong chapter helped to ease some boredom (especially after such a long wait! I know I'm sorry!)

Well! This is last chapter before the epilogue. Can you believe it? I'm SAD :( but also happy because Melody's healthy and happy. Its wild to me that we're finally here!

I'm not gonna do a huge spiel now, cuz there's technically one last chapter left! So, until the epilogue my loves!!

xoxo

*

Melody's outfit for the trampoline date (minus the necklace because danger!):

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