• 101: Pancakes •

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Melody

I calmed down about an hour and a half later, feeling exhaustion beginning to set in. Carson suggested watching Project Runway, which I agreed to easily. It was simple distraction from everything going on. Footsteps on the stairs surprised me and I brushed the remaining tears off of my face, as if they had not stained my cheeks red already.

"Good morning love birds!" Carson's mom's voice rang out from the bottom of the staircase me. Carson paused Project Runway and looked over at his mom. I sat up straighter and tried to tuck my hair behind my ears to give an illusion of neatness. I hoped she didn't notice or think my hoodie and sweatpants were sloppy. If I were at home, Margot and Mia would think–

I cut the thought short as tears welled up in my eyes once again. I blinked them away and pasted a smiled onto my lips. I glanced at the clock and realized it was only a couple minutes past eight o'clock.

"Good morning," Carson and I said at the same time. The only difference was that his voice sounded much fuller and present. Brighter. My voice sounded small and far away.

"Did you eat breakfast?" she asked. Harper eyed us cautiously but let a smile wash over her features. Carson shook his head, while I avoided eye contact. "I was going to make pancakes."

"Sure," Carson said.

"I'm okay," I said quietly.

"Are you sure honey? It's no trouble," Harper smiled. Carson's wide and worried eyes made the refusal die in my throat.

"Maybe a small one," I said quietly. Despite the idea of food making my head spin slightly, I felt bad to turn down Harper's hospitality.

"Coming right up," Harper said cheerfully before disappearing into the kitchen.

Carson then stretched his hand out towards me, and I took it as he used his other hand to press 'play' on Project Runway. I burrowed deeper into my blanket as Heidi Klum appeared on the screen and I wondered if she had any problems. If a guy ever tried to do to her what Diesel had tried to do to me. If she hated the way that she looked. If she had a horrible stepmother.

"Carson!" Harper called, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Who's chocolate chip and who's peanut butter again?"

"I'm chocolate chip, Connor is peanut butter!" he called back with a smirk. He turned to me. "She always forgets who's who."

"What about Melody?"

"Neither," I said immediately. Adding sweets would take the caloric value up to an obnoxious level.

"Plain," Carson yelled towards the kitchen.

"Okay! Go wash up and help set the table" Harper replied.

Carson stopped the show and we both got up and headed to towards the bathroom that was just outside of his kitchen. He walked towards the sink with ease while I froze mid-step outside of the door. Carson glanced at me in the mirror as he washed his hands. His eyebrows knitted together in worry.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I said quickly. I took a deep breath and shook my head, a heavy breath coming out of my mouth before I spoke again. "That's a lie... I-I can't go in there." I blinked away the flashbacks of the party and hoped my feet would unglue themselves from the floor.

Carson dried off his hands as I watched a look of sadness cross over his face in the mirror. When he turned around, he had replaced it with a smile of encouragement.

"You can do this. I'll be here with you," he said. I nodded as he leaned against the wall next to the sink. I wrung my hands together as my heart threatened to beat right out of my chest.

I forced my feet to move from the hardwood to the tiled, bathroom floor. I found my head shaking, a silent 'no' as tears well up in my eyes.

"I can't."

"Concentrate on me. You can," Carson said. I could hear my laboured breathing, but I stared into Carson's eyes and tried to focus on his honey brown irises instead of the feeling of walls caving in. I felt the cold tile on my socked feet. I tried to keep my attention on his thick eyelashes rather than the scary thoughts trying to enter my mind. I stepped further inside the small room and felt my legs shaking.

"You're inside!" Carson cheered softly with a smile.

"Mhmm..." I mumbled, my hands reaching towards the sink. I gripped the porcelain and let it catch my weight. I quickly washed my hands, letting my elbows rest against the sink and hold me up, before I rushed out of the bathroom.

As my feet touched the hardwood floor, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Air seemed to return to my lungs, and I leaned against the beige, hallway wall as Carson walked out of the bathroom.

"You did amazing," Carson said.

"I felt like I was going to throw up," I mumbled.

"But you still did it. That's a victory," he insisted. I gave him a small smile as he motioned towards the kitchen. The smell of the pancakes wafted towards us as we entered the room.

"Forks and knives are in this drawer! Harper said, pointing. "Oh, Carson! Call your brother for me. He has to help too."

"Connor!" Carson yelled without moving an inch. I bit the inside of my lip to keep from smirking despite how I was feeling.

"Carson," Harper chided. "I could have done that myself. Go and get him." Carson laughed in response and slipped out of the kitchen to go and get his brother.

I walked over to the drawer that Harper had pointed out and pulled it open. As I reached for the forks, I could feel Harper's gaze on my back. I found myself straightening up in case she was actually looking at me, as I reached for the knives as well.

"Melody," Harper started. I pulled my facial expression into to a pleasant one before turning around.

"Yes?" I replied.

"Are you... how are you doing?" she asked. I felt the blood drain from my face, and I forgot every word in English for a split second. I opened my mouth, waiting for a lie to tumble out and–

"Pancakes!" Connor's voice cut me short from just outside the archway. I released the breath I did not know I was holding as he entered the kitchen, grateful that I wouldn't have to respond to that question. "Oh, hey Melody," Connor said sheepishly as he realized I was in the room.

"Hey," I replied, quickly collecting myself and placing the utensils out on the table. Carson grabbed the whipped cream and syrup out of the fridge, while Connor grabbed cups and some juice. Harper began placing the plates of pancakes down on the table and we all took our respective seats.

I watched as three out of five members of the White family dug into their various flavours of pancakes. I stared down at my food and willed myself to be able to pick up my fork. I willed myself to want the food. I willed myself to feel okay eating the food.

Your ass got bigger. I told you a fat ass was better to hold on to.

I willed myself to feel okay.

Bigger. Fat ass.

The words echoed in my head and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I could feel my lugs quivering in my chest.

Bigger. Fat ass.

I was not okay.

Fat. Bigger. Fat. Bigger.

"I'm so sorry; I can't–" I got up and left the table hastily, leaving three concerned pairs of eyes staring after me as I left the kitchen.


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Author's Note: OH MY GOSH. I know I disappeared for SO long! I am literally so sorry! I have been so, so, so busy with school and life and have barely had time to sleep let alone write. But here this chapter finally is. Another cliff hanger because I'm awful LOL! But I hope you enjoyed this chapter nonetheless! 

What do you think might happen next?


Special shoutouts this chapter go to: 

TeenageCheescake

sarah_arbia

pizza_246

Yourfavphoenix

chanel1x

bubblegum_24201

cxentos

Zedda_

Himandi_Welmillage

stefny_g

Park_Jimin_Tae

happy_birlem

Lovemyself004

boldfangirl

You're all rockstars. Take care of yourselves. I hope to post something very soon! Lots of love <3

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