Depression is a termite to your soul. It feeds on every single emotion inside of you until your body has become solely infested with it and nothing else. It devours and corrupts what was once good and lines your walls with defenses that are the thickness and stability of wet soggy paper.

People say our darkest times are the moments we learn the greatest lessons... bull crap.

If I'm being taught a lesson, I'm that kid in the back of the class sleeping through it all. Speaking of sleep. My days are short and nights long. I sleep like crazy during the day and dart around at night like a rabid mouse going every which way. No one knows what to do or say after my outburst.

Adonis has been MIA.

He vanished along with Nova.

He's not at his house, the track, or the shop. Ducky's been put in charge of the speedway while Nails handles the shop. It's a mess to say the least. Ducky's words from a month ago could not have been more accurate.

Adonis is the heart of the Salvation.

No one knows why they've gone missing. I would like to be sappy and say not seeing him these past weeks has been difficult, but all I am is numb. He had become such a constant in my days here that I should feel something, but that's depression for you. It shockingly numbs you and lives and breathes right under your skin chewing away at you bit by bit.

With his absence, Amber's been here more often trying to help me cope. There's no judgement or fear when she looks at me, only understanding.

We've both been abandoned.

I've also learned this infestation has been sitting at my door for a long time and is something I've been ignoring for far too long. I've been pushing this darkness away and wrapping myself up in my bubbly quirkiness like protective bubble wrap. It's not an easy thing to deal with. It's hard getting up every day, not really wanting to and having all my energy zapped right out of me.

I'm also dealing with PTSD which has made everything seem substantially worse.  Motivation to do even the simplest of things has left me. As dark and unforgiving it has been, I know with each new day I get up and push forward is a day I gain either a millimeter or maybe somedays, even an inch of my old self back.

Today I sit in my art studio and stare at all my paintings I've done so far since I've arrived. Each and every episode I've had claws away at my skin, my flesh trying to expose what's going on beneath the surface, to expose my termites and something even darker waiting in dormant.

Twisting on my stool, I sigh as I rest my elbows against the table. Moving my bright orange cast around I smile slightly. I had to do a lot of pleading in order to convince the doctor to allow me to have this cast when I had my old one replaced. I promised to wear my sling... I have yet to fulfill said promise.

I hate the thing.

But hey, my wrist is no longer in constant pain and my ribs feel much better. The cut on my cheek has pretty much healed with a pink irritated scar left in its place that will probably never go away.

Turning and staring at a large canvas shoved in the corner, I jump down from my perch. I pull it from its corner and awkwardly stumble back from its size being much larger than me.

A hand steadies me and I turn to see dad. Without a word he takes the canvas from me and places the massive thing on my easel. How you doing today?"

My left hand reaches for the blue latex gloves. "Muggy."

"I'm going to be out of town for a charity we're doing. Amber's going to come stay with you and the guys will keep an eye out to make sure no one tries anything. I hate leaving you, but this is a commitment I can't break."

"What is it this time?" I ask with a forced smile. I love the charities my dad does with the club, but even these heartwarming things can't barricade through this fog.

His fist hits the doorway as he says, "A kid is getting bullied up in the northern part of Alabama and we're driving there to be his bodyguards and help him out."

"That's really cool."

He plops down on my stool and takes in every one of my pieces. "You're living proof that even prodigies work hard."

Forgetting the gloves, I sit next to him on the other stool, resting my head on his shoulder and breathing in his cinnamon scent that reminds me of Altoids. "Have I always been like this?"

He scratches his scruff. "You started when you were seven."

My brain conjures nothing up. "I don't remember anything dad. Even with the medication fully out of my system, only more recent memories have been restored. When it comes to living here and being with you and Amber... it's blurry," I say as I lift my head off his shoulder and turn to face the table collecting grays, blacks and whites along with some very dark greens.

He crosses his arms over his chest and looks at the one with the little finger pushing through the canvas. "I could always tell you two apart. Your mom had a hard time, but you both had such different personalities... and it was the eyes."

He shifts, clearly uncomfortable with what he's about to say. "I was away a lot. Serving in Iraq, Afghanistan, wherever they needed me. Your mom wasn't ready for everything to fall on her plate, especially after having you two. I didn't give her the life she had wanted."

My orange cast falls next to him and he keeps his eyes focused on one of the windows. "She never really wanted kids, but I always thought it was just something she never really thought of. She seemed okay with it while she was pregnant, even excited. A couple weeks after having you she started suffering from postpartum depression. I had been lucky enough to have been on leave during those days. The hardest moment of my life was when I finally had to leave you girls with her while I went to do a tour, not knowing and fearing..."

"Do you think she would've hurt us?"

Dad rubs his hand over his face. "No, Georgie, but I was trained to be prepared for all potential threats and back then, when it mattered the most, I had been the most unprepared I had ever been. It stuck on my back like a leach every time I left you both, even when I was fighting for my life."

Heaving a deep sigh, he turns to me. "The day my service ended, I thought it would be the greatest day of my life. I had a job lined up that paid good money, but I had no idea how strange it would be to be home. The issues and demons I'd be facing—"

I start squeezing out my colors on the palate. "Your PTSD."

I glance over and see dad's jaw clench. "I wish I could tell you everything."

"Why can't you?"

He has to do everything in his power to unscrew his clamped up jaw. "Because I have an unsettling feeling that's exactly what your mother did, which caused..." He closes his eyes. "We've tried telling you before and it ended badly. Forcing you to remember isn't what will help. All you need to know is that it was all my fault why you and your mom left."

I clench my teeth so hard I can hear them scream and I rock myself back and forth in little jabs. "That's not what Amber says."

His eyes look away in grief. "It is though."

"I'm starting to regret coming home," I whisper out. "I'm so mad and desperate to know the truth, but you refuse to tell me anything, even though I'm suffering because of it. Why are you both doing this to me? Do you want me to suffer?"

Dad slams his hand on the table as he gets up, his tone is gentle even though he's angry and frustrated. "Seeing you suffer is the worst feeling in the world, but this is something you need to remember, to understand and it can't be forced no matter what me, your mother, Amber or even you do."

He calms down and comes over giving me a kiss on my forehead. "I'm sorry."

He leaves as I mull over his words. Is my desperate search for my memories causing me to not remember? Or am I too afraid to? I push myself away from the table as I give one loud shriek. I've never been more confused in my life and yet here I am in the heart of where everything went wrong.

As I pace my frustration builds and builds, but so does something else. I launch myself outside and go for a small walk to cool myself off. There's some prospects who have their bikes parked not too far from the house and I know they do it to keep an eye on me.

I don't even care.

My feet take me to Adonis's house and I stare at it. It's small but not too small. Masculine, even on the outside with the siding a dark grey paint and dark wood door. Around it are bushes with rock. A simple and practical look with not a flower in sight.

"Hey there, Baby Chick, everything alright?"

I turn to Ducky strolling out of Adonis's garage. Raising my brows, I ask, "Is it okay for you to be in there?"

Ducky lifts a large shoulder. "All the stuff about managing and scheduling for the track are here so I kind of have too." He fishes out keys, twirling them around. "Plus, I have one of his spares."

I nod and try to think of something to say.

"You okay, Mini Muffin?"  When my eyes lock onto Ducky's Worry pulls at his face and he's genuinely concerned for me.

"Sure."

"So, no then?" He smirks.

Without thinking, I plop down on the sidewalk crossing my legs. "I just want to feel like myself again."

Ducky comes and sits next to me putting his arms on his knees. "I remember feeling the same way."

I pull my knees up and my arms cradle them as I rest my head, looking at Ducky. "Was it bad?"

"Oh yeah, found out humor helped. What brings you here though? He hasn't come back yet."

My eyes dart around thinking why I came to Adonis's place. "I don't know. Maybe because he's always calm and helps me relax. I could use that right now."

Ducky hums. "You really have imprinted on him." I glare at him but he just laughs it off. "I may not know where he is, but I do know he's probably chomping at the bit wondering how you are. It's probably killing him to be away from you."

"Then why is he?" I wonder out loud.

"If he's not here it's because he can't be. He wouldn't leave you if it hadn't been important."

"I know. I don't need him right now either. I could just use a distraction."

T"hat's not entirely true." We both turn at the sound of Amber's voice. She comes over and sits on the other side of me. "You are the only one who can pull yourself out of this, yes, but you also need support and you don't want to admit that."

I bury my face into my knees. "And bring everyone into this fog with me? Yeah, no thanks."

Her hand rubs up and down my back. "I've been in the same boat when mom took you and ran off. I wanted to stay in my misery. It was safe and weirdly comforting. I kept everyone at a distance so that I wouldn't get hurt again."

"It's not the same Amber. You didn't want other people because you didn't want them hurting you. I don't want to let people in because I'll hurt them," I say.

Ducky speaks up. "Why would you hurt them?"

I dig my face out of its cave. "You were there. You saw it."

Leaning back, he whistles through his teeth. "Yeah, but I also remember you clinging to Adonis and he understood everything that was going on even though both you and I didn't."

My brows furrow. "What do you mean?"

"That Adonis is tuned in to you and that's why he's so comforting. You're also in love with him."

My eyes widen and I bristle up. "No! I'm not! I don't even know anything about love. I don't even think loving someone is possible for me."

Ducky looks at Amber and Amber nods her head. "Do it."

"Do what?" I ask heatedly

Ducky knocks the answer right on me when his lips meet mine. I freeze. It's not terrible, but there's also no feeling. His mouth is just as warm as Adonis's and firm but my lips don't react to his kiss. There's no tingling sensation or burning knot in my stomach.

Pushing him away with wide eyes I get the message, but still fight it. "No, what you're trying to show me isn't right. Yes, I'm clearly attracted to him and him to me for some odd reason. But that's all it is, I mean come on guys, we barely know each other and I haven't even lived here that long."

Ducky busts out laughing as Amber rolls her eyes and once he's done he turns his glinting eyes on me. "Doll, you've learned more about him than we have in years. You confide things in one another and have inside jokes and respect each other in the way old married couples do. It's borderline gross."

"Georgie." Amber cuts in. "This is all to show you how you're pushing us away, even Adonis who you've trusted more than me and dad."

I reel back at her statement and she gives a small smile. "Did you honestly think we didn't notice? I was jealous of him. One day when you were off painting we were all talking about our biggest pet peeves and I wondered what yours was and Adonis was so quick to answer—"

"When women wear jackets over their shoulders and don't put their arms through the sleeves," I state with her nodding and swiping her palm up like a show host revealing the answer.  "I'm sorry," whisper out.

She shakes her head. "Don't be. You guys are like magnets either pushing or pulling each other with a force no one even wants to get between."

Duck pats my head. "Stop fighting it."

Amber nods. "You will get through this, just... let us all help you."

I take a minute and then stand up. I haven't pulled myself out of this misery, but I will. I smile at Amber. "Want to help me put together a website to sell some of my work? I'm thinking if mom and Chip made that much off me then maybe I can earn enough to open up a gallery."

A massive smile adorns Amber's face with her blue eyes shining. "I'd love to."

"Well ladies you go have fun." He stands and tugs on his cut. Oh, and Ace—"

Ducky loops a finger through her belt loop and pulls her into him, her length against his. He swiftly yanks her up by the back of her neck and digs his hand into her hair and kisses her.  It's nothing like the one he gave me.

It's incredibly deep and purposeful and Amber is totally caught off guard. When she registers what's happening she doesn't do what I did. Nope. She closes her eyes and her hands slide into his hair and it goes from a sneak attack to something much, much more.

Every muscle in Ducky's body tenses at her reaction and he growls. He presses her into him so hard it's like he wanted her to become part of him. I get a glimpse of how powerful Ducky really is as he hunches into Amber and how his big bear body engulfs her slender muscular one with ease.

The moment turns from shocking to embarrassing for me when he opens her mouth with his and tastes her. I quickly turn away my face burning like asphalt on a hot summer day.

Holy crap!

Once my embarrassment dies down a little, I peek over my shoulder. "Umm."

Ducky hears me and untangles himself from her and keeps her at an arm's distance. Amber goes from glossy eyes to wide eyed and burning all over in seconds. Fully turning around, I ask, "So is this how everyone feels when Adonis and I, umm, well, you know."

Ducky's heated gaze locks onto me and I squeak when Amber grips my arm and literally yanks me away. She's walking so fast I almost fall over.

"You're going to regret saying I never flirt with you!" Ducky yells after us. I look at Amber who's frantic and totally panicked then back at Ducky who's got a massive smirk plastered on his handsome face.

Looking back at Amber, I register everything that transpired and her reaction. "Oh my god!" She bites her lip at my statement. "Oh my god!"  I whisper, yell at her disbelieving.

"Please, Georgie." She begs as we hit our driveway, but I pull her back to the sidewalk that will take us to the market.

"From what I've gathered from movies, this is the point where we go get ice cream and talk this out."

Amber's color doesn't fade in the slightest.  "Please don't tell anyone."

I pull her in and put our heads together. "I won't."