Guess who's still alive? I've just been extra busy moving across the country, getting a new job, having a fever, and losing my voice all at once. I'm getting better now, and my job seems great so far. These are crazy and exciting times.

Three of my stories are up for PTXFanficAwards. Over is nominated in the Milex category (😏), Rewound in sci-fi, and The Last Hunger Games in adaptations. I'll stick a quick reminder at the end of the chapter. :)

Writing advice: This is for fun. When you start doing this for a living, then you can start worrying about your audience, but as long as you're writing for free, your readers can take whatever you give them with gratitude or read something else. You never have to apologize for being "late," shipping the wrong ships, or writing something other than what one of your readers wanted. The only one who needs to approve of your story is you. No, scratch that. As long as you enjoy writing it, you don't even have to like how your own story turns out.

After mostly finishing unpacking, I run out for today's interview, which features exactly zero questions I haven't heard before, (which is good because my brain is more than a little preoccupied,) and then flop on my bed to unwind, only to awaken two hours later to a Twitter notification.

> At your service. Am I too late?

All I said was "Help." I wasn't actually expecting anyone to reply to my tweet. Who does that? A few people favorited it, hopefully because they commiserate, not because they're spiteful, but only Scott replied. Wait, which is worse? Being miserable or spiteful? Probably miserable?

+ Nope, nobody's rescued me yet. I'll DM you.

How much can I say before he catches on? I kind of hope he does figure it out eventually. It feels weird keeping it secret. And the fact that Scott is offering me help... It's just been so long since I've been able to ask my best friend for advice.

+ Okay, there's this guy. He loves me; I like him.

> And?

+ WHAT DO I DO?

> Oh. You give it a shot, and you just let him know where you're at.

It's not quite that simple.

+ What if I hurt him? What if HE leaves because he realizes I'm not as invested?

> You just have to be honest from the get go. But if you can't tell him things, that's a red flag.

+ We never seem to be quite on the same page, but it's both our faults.

> He sounds like a lot of work. If this is just a crush, you might wanna consider cutting your losses. Is he even worth the trouble?

+ I would eat liver pâté for this man.

> Not if you knew what it tastes like.

+ Oh, I do. It's like congealed vomit, but I'd eat the whole can if it would help.

> That sounds serious. Just what else would you do for him?

+ Idk, give up my limbs? Donate a kidney or two? We go way back.

> Honey, no crush is worth both kidneys.

+ You've clearly never had a crush like this.

> No, I know exactly how you feel. It's just not called a crush.

+ Slow down.

> Do you picture this guy still being around in ten years?

+ Sllllloooooowwww ddddooooowwwwwwwnnnnnn.

> If he moved to Panama, would you want to follow?

+ Listen. LISTEN. I see what you're trying to do here, you weasel, and I am against it.

> You,
> my friend,
> are in love.

+ You, my friend, are delusional.

> Is he the most important person in the world?

+ Shut up. No seriously, slow down... I do love him, but I've been /in/ love before, and it wasn't like this.

People got confused about the nature of my relationship with Scott all the time. It's just weird that he's confused. That doesn't make it love, though. It's no different from what I felt when we were friends, when I was with Alex, even when I left Scott.

> How is it different? Did it feel stronger when you were in love? More like a part of who you are?

Not really. I never decided how I would feel about Scott, but with Alex, everything was intentional, deliberate. What Scott is describing, though, the kind of attachment that makes him feel like a part of me, wasn't something I ever tried to nurture. It developed coincidentally, like a hardy weed, and it's been pretty much constant since The Sing-Off. If it's love, what was it that I felt for Alex?

It doesn't even matter. It's just a question of the definition of a word, a word no one agrees on the meaning of anyway. Most people would say I love Alex. Maybe some people would say that I've "loved" Scott all this time too, but by my definition, it falls squarely under friendship. Well, not just any friendship. It's a category unto itself, and I could call that category "love," but that doesn't make it the same as my feelings for Alex and it doesn't make it the same as Scott's feelings for me. All he's done is try to rename it, and it's not helping. For me, love isn't something that comes and leaves randomly with no real effort. Love is hard work. Everyone says so. Obsession is easy, but love—good, solid, lasting love that carries you through a lifetime—doesn't just fall out of the blue.

+ I think "love" means something different to you than to me, but call it what you want. The question is still, "What do I do about it?"

> Get far away from him.

Well that took a turn.

+ o_O???

> Y'all have communication issues, you're never on the same page, and you seem terrified of the idea of loving him.
> Besides that, you haven't told me a single good thing about him.

+ The communication problems are getting better, I think, kind of out of necessity.

Scott tried so hard to stay away from me. He thought I hurt him and that I didn't care about him, but he was drawn to me, so he had to push me away too hard. He was strong. But now he's letting me back, and I can't afford to disregard Esther, because if she's right and I only end up hurting him again, it means he was right this whole time. It means we're better apart.

+ As for being afraid of loving him, it's just that it's too precarious for me to mess up. That, and I don't think I can call it love when it's pretty much the way I've felt for years, through several boyfriends. And finally, the only reason why I haven't said anything good about him is because it usually goes without saying that anyone would want him. For your edification, here's the list.

I'm trying to convince Scott that Scott's worth dating. Let's see how this goes.

+ Hard working.
+ Driven.
+ Talented.
+ Humble. He's insecure, but he's getting better, and he was humble before that.
+ Good with kids.

> Oooh, you're definitely in love if you're considering that.

+ Shut up.
+ Born leader.
+ Child at heart.
+ Smart.
+ A+ sense of humor.
+ Sweet, occasionally even sappy.
+ Outgoing, people person.
+ Everyone loves him.

> You certainly do.

+ I walked right into that.

> It doesn't matter how perfect he is, though, if y'all can't talk to each other. Sometimes people love each other but aren't really right for each other.

+ We're getting better at it.

> So what's the big holdup? He loves you, you "like" him...

+ He's gone through a lot.

> All the more reason to show him some love. I know it sounds hokey, but it helps a lot.

+ Great. I can swoop in with unconditional love for a profoundly broken man and be all tragically romantic. Is that the idea? Because it's not tragically romantic. It's not poetic or beautiful. It's sad, frustrating, infuriating, and REAL. I don't want to walk into this trying to fix him.

> Then don't get a fixer upper. Walk away.

+ He's not a fixer upper, and I can't just leave him.

> You called him "profoundly broken." Definitely a fixer upper.

How do I explain this?

+ I want him to be better, yes, but I also simply want him back, no matter what state he's in.

> Sounds like a grandiose declaration of unconditional love to me. Like you say, it doesn't solve anything. You're still stuck with someone inferior.

+ Listen carefully. Being sick does not make him inferior. Having problems does not make him unlovable. I just want him to be okay.

> And if he's not? Will you be able to do the right thing for yourself and get out?

+ I want to do the right thing for him, not me.

> If that's not love, nothing is. You've already made up your mind. Just take care of yourself, okay? I hope it works out. I have to go meet someone, but let me know how it goes, okay?

Who's Scott meeting? Oh, right, me. I still don't know what to do. For tonight, I guess I'll just listen.