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Venice was beautiful at first, but the crumbly rustic vibes have gotten old, and I'm learning to hate everything about this place as my departure keeps getting postponed. I hate the tourists, even though I almost am one. I hate the canals that make it so hard to get anywhere. I hate the boys. I can't seem to stop collecting them. I know it's not helping, and I know it's a bad way to cope. I don't even understand why I'm doing it anymore. I've told myself I need to stop, to do something more productive, to grow up, yet here I am dragging another man onto the dance floor.

I won't deny that it's an addictive habit. Maybe Scott's right, though. Maybe I'm searching for something. If I am, I don't think I'm searching for him, but for a way out. Anything. I'm sick of being away from him, but I'm afraid to go back.

I've had crushes on Scott before. It happened all the time when we were on tour together, and it got really bad sometimes when we were both single, but that wasn't often, and it was different from this. This is terrifying.

I didn't make up my mind all at once. I thought about it long and hard. I slept on it. I even wrote down the pros and cons.

Scömìche
Pros:
–Be in a real relationship
–Make Scott happy
–Won't miss Scott
–Finally find out if we'd work together
–Recording studio in house...
–Scott's obsessed with me
–We know each other
–Easier to explain than "always platonic"
–Not platonic

Cons:
–What would Alex think?
–Kirstie will feed me to a blender if I screw up
–I lose Scott forever if I screw up
–We're both too busy to maintain a stable relationship
–We could really hurt each other
–We haven't resolved much
–He doesn't want forgiveness
–He didn't trust me
–He pushed me away when he needed me

It doesn't really capture the whole picture. I have another category to build a more holistic view.

Other considerations:
–There's no going back to what we were before everything. It's lost.
–What if I don't live up to his expectations?
–I can't keep living without him
–What if this is the only way?
–What if I can't love him enough?
–I owe him.

It comes down to what I can and can't do. I can't take back that I left him. I can't take back the last three years. I can't take back falling in love with the man who hurt him when he was weakest, and I'm not even going to try to be mad about that. It was wrong, but Alex did everything he could to make it better, and it's Scott's fault that wasn't enough. I can't take back kissing Scott or slamming the door on him. The thing is, everything we did, we did for a reason, but we still did it. We could have handled everything differently.

What can I do? I can fall in love with him, I think. Not just in like. Not just another crush. Love. That's what terrifies me. I fell in love with Alex, and he pulled the ground from beneath my feet and left me in free fall. It wasn't because I did anything wrong. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It could happen again. If it happened with Scott, if I gave him my heart and he gave it back, it wouldn't be the same as with Alex. Scott wouldn't give it back gently, in better shape than when he took it. He's not that stable, not that careful, not that cautious or mature. No, if Scott gave my heart back, it might not even be beating. And if I tried to take it back from him, I might have to tear his open to get to it. I've hurt him enough. This isn't safe.

Looking back fifteen years from now, is this a decision I'll always regret? Or is this the moment I finally get my act together and go all in to get Scott back?

Is he worth having back?

Is he worth all the frustration and despair? Is it worth risking making it all worse just because we have good memories? What if we've outgrown each other?

I don't make good choices. I make stupid, foolish choices. How can I expect to do any better here? Maybe I should just flip a coin for all my major life decisions. I might get better odds that way. Heads, I try it. Tails... this is ridiculous. I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing either way. What time is it in the States? Avi's awake right now. He can tell me I'm crazy.

I'll call him tomorrow. Right now, I'm dancing. I let the music permeate me, shake my bones, and drown out my thoughts. My partner doesn't seem to understand the concept of rhythm though. What's it like dancing with Scott, I wonder? I excuse myself and talk to Avi on the way home.

"Can I run something by you? Scott's agreed to accept my friendship, but he doesn't seem happy about it. He says he believes me, but everything feels really... off. I know he loves me. And I know this sounds crazy, but part of me can't help thinking maybe it would just be easier if I loved him back... I need your thoughts before I give up and just flip a coin."

"Do it."

"Do it? Date him? Just like that?"

"Flip the coin. Catch it. Turn it on your hand and keep it covered. Heads, you date, tails, you're friends. Let me know when you've flipped it, but don't look at it yet." He gives me a moment to fish up some change.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Trust me. Ready?" I switch to speakerphone and stop walking. I can't believe I'm letting chance decide this for me. Maybe Avi believes in fate, but I don't.

I flip the coin. I actually catch it. I hold it tight against the back of my hand. "Okay. I did it."

"Good. Don't look at it yet. No matter what, you're doing what the coin says. Heads, dating, tails, friends, remember? In this moment, what are you hoping it landed on? Don't tell me. Do you know?"

"I... yes." Wow. This changes everything.

"Good. Now close your eyes, throw the coin into the canal, make a wish, and do what you really want to."

Wherever you live, if you have the right and privilege of voting, now is a great time to register.