Past: beyond, in history
Passed: past tense of pass, to have gone beyond, to have handed over

Past tense
Past the tree and around the corner
Ten past two
The long forgotten past

She passed the runner
He passed the salt
They passed the exam

How did he fail to understand? When someone kisses you and then slams the door in your face, you don't pick them up for dinner halfway around the world. "I-I have plans." I actually do. Baz has invited a few of us out to a nice restaurant. It's not for another three hours, but Scott doesn't need to know that.

"Baz said you were coming." Oh. Ooooooh. He's taking me to the dinner I'm already attending anyway, the one with other people. I didn't realize he knew about it, but of course Baz invited him. He's just arrived, and it's a nice way to welcome him. There's that, and then there's the fact that Baz is worried about me, which is a little weird and invasive, but also actually kind of touching. I thought that as long as I kept performing well, he didn't care. I wasn't sure he even noticed.

"We could meet at the restaurant," Scott continues, "but I thought it would be better to talk first, and honestly, riding a gondola alone sounds depressing."

"Who said I was alone?"

"N-no one. I meant me. I'm alone. Are, um, I mean, is there... should I just..."

It's not too late for me to figure out the name of the guy I left in the bar and bring him along. I don't think someone who mistook me for a prostitute, though, no matter how handsome he is, is going to make me look good. Maybe someone else? Anthony and green-eyes are really the only ones who make half-believable boyfriends, the only ones Scott wouldn't see straight through, and they're together now, so that's not happening. Guess I'm going with Scott, then. It's gonna suck, but I can't bail on dinner at this point, and I definitely don't want to go into it without talking first. It would be about as awkward as when Scott's dad accidentally outed me to my grandparents at Thanksgiving dinner. I still shudder just thinking about it.

I give Scott my location, and we decide to meet halfway. I'm walking north, toward the nearest bridge and toward Scott, but I'd just as soon walk south into the nearest canal. I could curl up like a fetus, safe and warm, sink to the bottom, cushioned in slowly swirling silt, and hold my breath for generations. The steady pulse of the sea would drown out the human race, and pure, filtered sunlight would crown me sovereign of an empty emerald city. I could feel like I felt in Scott's arms.

I thought I was in control. I thought I could stop him. Scott was a crushing burden, no matter whether I was with him or away, whether I missed him or despised him. I thought that when I kissed him, I had finally done something to change that. It wasn't the first time I was wrong about that. I thought when I left him, he would start to recede into the past. I thought the thought of him would become more bearable. It didn't, and when I lost Alex, I couldn't support it anymore.

Was Alex really any different from the boys here in Italy? He was a failed distraction. That's all I wanted him for. He was my dream of a future without Scott. I fell in love, though, and he fell deeper. Maybe I should have protected myself. There were promises I wanted, guarantees I was afraid to ask for, vows that might have prevented this. I could sense that he wouldn't have given them to me, and I wasn't sure I wanted to give them back. Maybe I should have known what that meant, but I wanted it to last, so I told myself we would be ready someday.

I wish I could mute my brain. Without drugs. Or strange boys. I sigh and start to sing. I can't breathe underwater. I can't live alone in the desert. Music is the only safe escape.

We were just little kids,
We were ambiguous,
My crush was serious.

Maybe not so safe. Why does everything remind me of Scott? Even Tori is failing me now. I should call her. I need that kind of person in my life again. I want to sing with her. I want to sing.

How long can I sing before my voice gives out? I want to find out. I'll sing until no more sound comes out, and then I'll whistle. I'll find a piano. I'm running, and I have been all this time, but what else can I do? I can't fix it. I want to tear my eyes out because I'm sick of crying. I swallow and keep singing.

It's crazy how as we were growing up
I could just hit you up,
But it just wasn't love.
I guess the stars never aligned for us.
Life just snuck up on us.

Life is cruel. I step up onto the bridge and stop to look over the edge. The water is murky and disgusting. I don't want to live down there. It feels like I already do, though. I'm holding my breath and hoping my problems will go away.

"I hate that song." Scott. He's standing beside me, having covered the rest of the distance between us while I stood still. "But when I see you again," he sings, "no, I can't even pretend."

I'm not ready. What do I say? I don't even know what to do with my limbs. "You hate it?"

"Too close to home. It's all I listened to for a long time. Follow me?" He asks it like he's afraid I might bolt instead. Tempting. He leads me to a wider canal and hails a gondola. There are plenty of motorized boats for getting around efficiently, and the gondolas are mostly just for sightseeing. I haven't taken one. Scott holds my hand as I step into it. So gentlemanly. Did he pick that up from Alex when they were together?

I was going to wait for him to talk, but once he asks the gondolier for a tour of the city, he's silent. He's looking out at Venice, but he doesn't seem to see it. He looks sad in a way I don't think I've ever seen before. He's not frowning or hunched over. He's disconnected. I don't think he misunderstood me at all. He knows me too well for that. He knows what I tried to do to him, or what I did to him, and he's still here.

We're motionless, and the ancient buildings are floating past us. My eyes are fixed on him. He looks at me. "I didn't cry," he says. "It felt like I was supposed to when you locked your door, but I still felt warm. It was real, wasn't it?"