30 | Volcano

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Worse: more bad
• A turn for the worse
• For better or for worse
Worst: the most bad
• Worst case scenario

"I'm so bad at this," Alex groans.

"It's—I'll help you. You didn't mean to say my love isn't enough. Maybe you meant it's not personal enough." He said I could fall in love with an ex, or even a slug. He thinks he's not special. "Maybe you meant it wasn't impacting my everyday actions." I'm essentially paraphrasing everything he's told me. He's a writer, not a talker. Maybe this would be easier for him to say on paper. He'd probably just keep revising it forever, though. I certainly would. "Maybe you meant it's not enough to pull us through other things." I wish I could see his face, but going by his silence, I haven't hit on anything yet. "Maybe it just didn't feel like I cared. Maybe I'm falling too slowly."

"I'm not asking for more."

"You can ask me for anything."

"I don't need more. I was ready to marry Scott, remember? I was satisfied with only your friendship, but you've given me so much more than I could have hoped for. You trusted me with your feelings, you forgave me, you even gave me your love. You let me try to make you happy." His words are a slow, steady river of lava creeping toward me as I stand transfixed in its path. "I can make you smile, I can make you laugh, and I can make you euphoric, but I can't make you happy. You're attached to me, but you don't light up when you see me. You love me, but you don't stop and smile just because I exist. You don't need me." The magma has been building up for much, much, much longer than the past few weeks. Just how long have these words been forming inside him? I've proven I'll let him speak, and he's speaking.

"You, though... just thinking about you is ecstasy. I am madly in love, to the point of insanity." The lava is radiating heat, glowing with an intensity that's hard to look at and impossible to look away from. I thought I saw his soul before. I thought that when he told me he loved me, he was showing me the fire inside him, but what is fire compared to this? Can fire melt stone? Can fire bubble up through the cold, hard, rocky crust he developed after he lost Scott? "I've never told you, Mitch, not even once, how I feel about you. You'd be terrified. And it's not like I could if I tried. There aren't words for it." Maybe the shell started to form even before he left Scott. He needed it to shield us from the molten ocean just under the surface, to hide his obsession with me. I climbed, over the past few years, to the mouth of the volcano. I was about to dive in, to give up everything. I didn't know what I was getting into.

He stopped me, though. He loves me more than I love him, maybe more than I can handle. It certainly would have been too much in the beginning. Now, though, I don't know.

"The closest anyone's come to explaining it is Tori Kelly," says Alex. She sings about love differently from other people. "Should've Been Us" is pretty typical, but songs like "Stained" and "Dear No One" offer something unique and really thoughtful. The song he's talking about, though, is her latest single, "Slowly."

I'm leavin' you space,
Keeping outta your way,
Pretending I'm not obsessed
With your every breath.

Yeah, I'm takin' it slow,
And I'm hoping we'll grow.
Maybe someday you'll know
That I love you to death.

"So it's not enough," I venture, "because it's not as strong as what you feel." He said I'd be afraid if he told me, but part of me wants to know. If I fell in love with his outermost shell, how much more could I love him if he just showed me his heart?

"We would be settling for each other. You would be settling for the first person who was there for you, for someone who can't make you happy, for someone who stands between you and the things that really bring you joy. And as much as I cherish every second with you, I would be settling for someone who only loves me because we've been together so long. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to end this sooner. I had to, though. You said you'd give up singing. You said you'd give up Scott. I wanted you to love me that much, but I don't see it ever becoming something that could... We just aren't right for each other."

"Thank you for telling me." I wish he'd said all this so much sooner. He wasn't just worried I'd be afraid, though. It's petrifying, the idea that I mean that much to him, but I think he was also afraid to let down his defenses. I think this is the first time he's revealed so much since he left Scott. Only now that he's left me, now that he has nothing left to lose, can he tell me. "It means a lot."

"Thanks for listening."

"I love you."

"Take care."

"Wait, Allie, what I said before, I still mean it. Three months." I have a lot to process. I want to sit down and really talk to him again, though, after some time has passed. I can't let this be over the way it is with Scott. I'm not close to many people, and it hurts too much to lose them. If Alex loves me half as much as he says, though, I won't ask him to go back to friendship right away. Even I'm not ready for that. I curl up on the couch when we end the call, turn on the TV, and flip mindlessly through the channels so I won't have to listen to my thoughts. I don't bother checking my contacts for someone to invite to my pity party, but Wyatt Blue Grassi-Nobody shows up anyway to sniff at my empty ice cream bowl and curl up happily in the corner.

The doorbell rings late in the afternoon. I don't even bother looking. It's a delivery of clothes I bought online, no doubt, but I'm in no mood to try them on. I hear knocking, though, and then an unmistakable voice. "Are you home, Mitch? Can you let me in? Alex sent me."

I almost trip over Wyatt in my haste to open the door. The moment I do, I'm wrapped in a bear hug. "I missed you, Mitchie."

"You're not even supposed to be in California."

"True, but I brought curry."

"In that case, make yourself at home. How's the family, Avi?"

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