A lot: One lot, one large amount
Allot: To set aside an amount
Alot: Not a word

It's been a long time since I've overheard anything about Scott. I used to listen. It was always the same, though. It starts peaceful, back in a time when Alex and Scott are still together and still happy. The first time I heard Alex sleep talking to him, I was distraught. I crawled away and listened in silent horror until he spasmed and woke himself up a minute later. Feeling my absence, he switched on the lamp and caught me hugging my knees and biting my lips on the far side of the room. I felt foolish as soon as the light hit me, but he draped a blanket over my knees, tucking in my bare feet, and sat beside me and hugged me. He had no idea. He probably thought I'd had a nightmare. He just held me, not saying a word.

I was afraid to tell him, but I did, like I always do in the end, because I value our relationship more than the privacy of my innermost thoughts. How many times have I forced myself to tell him everything, and how many times has he hidden from me? I might have known. Only liars are perfect.

I told him what he said, and I was glad I did. I'd been afraid he would deny it all too fast, but he wasn't ashamed. He had nothing to be ashamed of. He told me about his memories with Scott. He couldn't remember the dream, but I recounted what I could, and he told me the things it reminded him of. We psychoanalyzed it together, half seriously, half jokingly, and it made me feel better.

I slide my fingers against his scalp and grip his hair tightly, enough to feel, but not enough to hurt. It's the best way to get him up short of plugging his nose and covering his mouth. I don't just listen anymore, because it starts peaceful, but it always ends horribly. He actually started crying once. That was the first time I woke him.

I don't want him to have to relive his breakup over and over. Maybe I should, though. If he won't face those emotions while he's awake, maybe I should let him work them out as much as he can while he's asleep. It's hard to listen to, though. That first night, when he sat beside me and I decided to tell him the truth about what he'd said, I told him everything. He thought I was upset because I thought it meant he still loved Scott or he didn't love me, but it was simpler. "I envy you," I told him. "You got to talk to him. You got to see him again." Maybe it was just in his wildest dreams, but I needed Scott back so, so badly. At the time, it felt like he was there in the room talking to Alex, but he was completely invisible and inaudible and intangible to me, utterly beyond my reach, cruelly hiding himself from me.

I told Alex all of that. I've invested in our relationship. I've willingly forced myself to open up for him, and he's always been kind and gentle, but maybe it was only because he couldn't judge me while he was still holding onto his own secret, or secrets.

His eyes open and he props himself up. "I'm sorry." He may not remember his dreams, but he knows why I would wake him up like this. He never used to apologize, though. We're just off right now. We need to start talking.

"It's okay."

He frowns and shakes his head a little. "I worry about you. You say that so quickly."

"Would you rather I made you feel bad about it for a while?" I tease. "Maybe guilt trip you for something beyond your control?"

"If it protects you from me," he says completely seriously.

"No. Protecting me from you, that's your responsibility, not mine. If you can't manage that, and I know you can, but if you couldn't, we couldn't be together." That's why I had to leave Scott. "But no, I'm not gonna hold a grudge to protect myself, especially not from you. I get where you're coming from, but I don't want that kind of distance between us, and Alex, holding something against someone costs you. It eats away at you."

"So does loving someone you can't be around."

Does he think I should be angry with Scott still so I don't get hurt? That's what it sounds like. It's a terrible approach. Mine may not be right either, and it certainly hasn't left me feeling whole, but I'm angry too oftentimes, and it doesn't help. I get completely fed up with Scott, absolutely furious. It just never lasts. I'm not sure Alex is really talking about me, though. I think maybe he's trying to justify his own anger. "Tell me more," I try.

"Thanks for waking me up." I personally don't know how I could ever be gracious enough to thank someone for waking me up after just a few hours of sleep, no matter what kind of nightmares I was about to fall into, but he's changing the subject.

"Do you know why Scott doesn't believe us?" I ask. "He heard you dreaming about me. Part of him just wants us to be happy without him."

"Dreaming?" He runs a hand through his hair and grimaces. "I need to start duct taping my mouth shut at night."

"Maybe you need to start being more honest while you're awake instead."

"Like that would have helped. 'Hey, Scott, I'm head over heels for Mitch. Try not to worry about it, I still love you.'"

"It would have been better than him hearing who-knows-what in your sleep."

"He would have heard that either way. I'm sorry, though, that my big mouth ruined everything."

"I'm glad you told me. I'm sorry I reacted so poorly. If there's, um, anything else you have to tell me, I'll hear you out this time. I'll listen."

"You probably already figured it out."

"Go ahead."

"It's stupid. I'll just-"

"Tell me."

"I'm not sure, Mitch, but I'm scared I might still be in love with him." He's looking pointedly at the floor.

"You are, babe. It's okay."

"You say that so quickly," he repeats.

"It's okay. I love you."

"I love you, Mitch. I just-"

"Stop. Do you love me or not?"

"I love you."

"And I love you. And that's enough."

"Is it?"

"Yes."