Please take care. This is going to keep being sad for a long time. If it's emotionally draining, it's not worth it. You can DM me and I'll tell you how it ends so you can move on to something less grim. <3

It was him. Scott's name is right at the top of my call history. Scott called me. Scott Hoying called me, and then he hung up on me because he remembered I'm with Alex. What a child. Why do I waste my thoughts on him? It was never Scott I needed, was it? It was the connection I loved, the steadfast bond between us. I wish I'd forged that bond with someone who was worth it.

"We have a lot of ground to cover," I warn my therapist at our first appointment on Saturday. "Did you watch the videos?" Felicia nods. "Wait, all of them?" Alex sent her links to Superfruit, the On My Way Home documentary, fan-made biographies, dozens of interviews from before and after Pentatonix, all Scott's new music, and even pirated copies of all the shows and movies I'm in.

"And more," she laughs. "I got sucked in." Maybe Alex intended for that to happen. He's always been enthusiastic about promoting us. "There are some gaps you can fill in, though. I understand," she prompts, "that you and Scott were never romantically involved."

"Not really. He wanted to be, back in high school. He asked me out a couple times. I wasn't interested, though. I thought I'd be settling if I just dated my best friend instead of waiting to find someone special, you know? I mean, it turns out I just happened to have an extraordinary best friend, but I was used to him and I just didn't think he was that different. I guess I thought I could do better? Or maybe that I should just see what was out there first. He let it drop, and we were still friends, and it all went back to normal when we started dating other people. You can see why I don't explain that every time the topic comes up." I don't wait for her to respond. I've spoken with councilors in high school, and a therapist in the early days of Pentatonix when I was getting my anxiety under control, and I know they'd much rather see me talk than tell me their opinions. Talking is really the whole point of the exercise today. I've spent too long trying to work this out in my head without seeing it from anyone else's perspective. "I've had a crush on him on and off over the years. I feel like it's inevitable with that kind of propinquity. You saw; you watched Superfruit. Do you know my middle name?"

My question takes her off guard. "Why do you ask?"

"It's a secret." I punctuate the sentiment with an arched eyebrow and half a smile.

"Colby? Cody? Corey?"

Pretty close. "That's how I test how deep someone is in the fandom. Normally I'd say you're teetering on the edge of the Cliffs of Insanity for almost remembering it—it's Coby Michael—but in your case it's research. You really went the extra mile." She bows appreciatively.

"Alex takes good care of me. I bet he picked you out of at least a dozen candidates." Do I take good care of Alex? He doesn't commit easily, and neither do I. We're on a good track, just a slow one. We've never discussed even the concept of marriage. We're doing everything right except for spending more time together. I have a busy schedule, and he's understanding. I need a lot of time alone too to feel calm, and he gives it to me. Every couple is different. It's okay. He makes it okay. He treasures me. What did I do to deserve him?

Honestly, not enough. What am I going to do to deserve him?

"Was this his idea?"

"Both of ours."

"What brings you here?"

"I can't get over Scott." The trick to this, I've learned, is to stop worrying about saying things wrong. Speak first, explain after.

"Can't?"

"Haven't. I haven't gotten over him. There's too much that's unresolved. We left on bad terms." Felicia settles deeper into her chair to indicate she's ready for the whole story. "Our last contract with Pentatonix ended, and Scott... he didn't handle it well. I started acting, but Scott didn't start anything. A few songs, maybe, but they never went anywhere. He needed time to grieve. It was okay at first. We were both sad. He just never pulled himself together, though, and he distanced himself so I could get on with my life. It seemed like every time we talked, we both ended up crying, until it was just him crying and me trying to cheer him up and him not listening to a word I said. He didn't want to be happy, I guess. Maybe he thought he owed it to Pentatonix to be sad."

"How long did this last?"

"It was five months before Alex left. They had been a couple for a long time. Scott was avoiding me a lot by then. He never wanted to talk to me. I tried so hard to be patient with him, but he was completely unreceptive. It was clearly a lot harder for him, but sometimes I felt like he just got more sad when I talked to him. He had a thousand reasons to be happy, but he didn't want to hear any of them."

"Did he get treatment?"

"What do you mean?"

"Therapy. Antidepressants."

"His life was falling apart. Everything he worked for years and dreamed of since childhood was gone, and he was fighting with his boyfriend. He didn't need to have depression to be sad about that. It was hard, losing the band. It honestly felt like someone died. Everything changed, and I get why he was upset. He tried really hard not to take it out on me, I could tell, but he wouldn't open up for anything. Alex left. I kept trying."

"For how much longer?"

"Three months." Those were the worst three months of my life. "He saw how I turned to Alex for help, though, and I think he knew, whether or not Alex told him so, that Alex loved me, and had for a long time. He thought Alex cheated on him, with me. He was angry. He didn't speak to me. He drank too much."

"You're telling me he spent months unemployed doing next to nothing, he was sad and inconsolable, he turned to alcohol, he became withdrawn and irritable, and stopped making music and doing what he loved. Do you see where this is going?"

"You think he had depression."

"It's common for it to go undiagnosed when it's tied with personal losses."

"He's Scott, though." He's a happy person. He's the sun. She's right, though; of course she is. It didn't manifest in all the obvious ways, but I was his best friend. I should have seen it, but I just kept telling him why he should be happy. No wonder he avoided me. He certainly didn't recognize it, but I should have. How did I miss it? What did I do to him?

A/N: This is a sad story. The characters endure a lot of misery. People do, and maybe you do. I want you to know that they're going to be happy again, not just because I like happy endings, but because it really does get better and there really is hope, even when it's too dark to see it.