Jax's Point of View

One year since Reina died. Correction. One year since I murdered Reina. There's no longer a point in life. Constantly feeling demotivated has become a norm in my daily hectic life. She has me some sort of hope in a happily ever after but I was being way too fast to act hastily and now she was gone. It's four in the morning and I was up just like any other day. Nightmares after nightmares every night. I was responsible for her death and now I was paying the price. The moment of her telling me that she loves me replays a million times in my head while I'm sleeping or at the back of my head when I wake up.

"I love you even if you don't love me back and when you know the truth, you'll just hate yourself." Every word she uttered in that still instant turned and rolled into the truth. I found out my worst enemy who was the root cause of the attack that the Milans had all planned out and now I can't even stand myself. Guilt overrides me every day as there's no rest for me but here we carrying on with life as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

Her bed in her room. That's where I am. In her bed, every single night I sleep here reminding myself of her. No longer alive but she was all that I truly loved in my whole life. I couldn't swallow my pride and tell her and now she's not here so what the hell do I do without her? Her presence itself could warm up my whole day and brighten my mood in immediate seconds. I hated her at the beginning because of her stubbornness and her personality and now I adored it and found myself complimenting those exact things at her grave.

There's no body in the grave but she deserves a proper send off so I organised her a funeral myself. I buried her. Maybe not physically but emotionally and spiritually. I wasn't very much of a religious guy ever. Yeah, I went to Church as a kid but when I got to seven years old my mum let it go but nowadays, I find myself going to Church every single Sunday for the services. A mafia boss going to Church. That's very much ironic. I wanted some sort of connection to her or some sort of sense that she was there watching over me and seeing how sorry I was and how much I regretted it but it wasn't possible to take any of it back because it was too late.

I got up and took a shower in her bathroom and then walked to my wardrobe in her room changing into a suit. Grabbed some cereal bars and walked to the nearest florist shop. I got her roses and tulips. Roses as they represent the love that we had was toxic and had only ended up hurting a powerful Goddess like her and the tulips since they were her favourite. I headed towards the graveyard to see her. The perfect way to start and end my day. The only way to start and end my day after I had done what I did.

She was buried in the Martinez field. She was a lot more worthy than being associated with me but this was the best place in terms of burial. She lied next to my grandmother Liliana Martinez. Of course, my family was against it at the beginning but after I explained the deed they understood immediately and sympathised with the situation and understood that the weight of the guilt I carry will always be there on my shoulders.

"Hey Nem," I began as I crouched down to see her laying the flowers beside the grave. I saw the flowers from yesterday still intact and very much beautiful like her. "I bought you some flowers... again. I want to say again that I'm so sorry for what I did to you. You didn't deserve any of it at all but I still did it. I know you won't forgive me and I don't deserve your forgiveness but I do hope you recognise the actual and most sincere guilt that I feel for you and just... just look at it and know that I hate myself for doing that to you."

A tear had brimmed on my eye and slowly fell off. The ruthless American Mafia Boss was crying for someone but what they wouldn't know is that she was a someone that was more worthy than a lot of other people I had met. Wait scrap that, she was more worthy than all of the people I had met before and that was a fact. "I love you; I really do and now I'm paying the price for accusing someone that I love and I can't get you out of my head anymore and...". My voice broke down and I just let the tears speak for themselves.

An hour passed and I was still there seeking some sort of comfort that she had to offer me but clearly wouldn't be able to find it as I killed her. I had to get back to work so I got in the car heading right for the warehouse. Paperwork after paperwork felt very much pointless but, in all realty, she gave me a ray of happiness now I'm back to my emotionless life.

Looking upwards, I saw her picture with me that I got framed. It takes me back to the day where we got o the rollercoaster and she managed to rid my fear of heights. My parent's attempts failed miserably but she did it with a couple of minutes. A miracle worker. Damnit, I had lost a fucking gem and couldn't blame anyone but myself. She was a constant reminder of what a monster I was and made me understand that I didn't deserve to have a woman like her in my life.

Nemesis. The nickname itself gave me memories of how much I had the outburst urge and desire to kill her at the very first chance that I got out. Using the cover that she could be an important asset to the mafia was the excuse but hell she denied anything to do with it so there was no excuse to be anywhere near her. Yet, I found myself coming back to her like a druggie looking for his weed to smoke. In the end, I just ruined her just like I ruin everything in my life.

A few hours longingly dreaded past until I got a phone call from the Romano's. They were the Sicilian Mafia and the most feared along the Vitiello's in Italy. They weren't someone we associated with but not exactly someone that we want to cause fight with. It was a mutual agreement among us to make peace between the two mafia's and not ruin them with another war. A slight panic crawled up my skin.

Reina Clementine Romano; that was Nem's full name. She was a Romano. I should have seen it coming. He hazel eyes was the genes but she got her melanin brown skin from her mother who was Sri Lankan. She was trained properly and was able to beat up my men but here I was thinking she was the rat but the one question which was cycling around the back of my mind was that why on earth they were calling me. If they knew they would come and start a war, no doubt because I spilt his family's blood. Instead, they were calling me so yeah, I was confused with a tingle of fear settling in the background.

"Romano." I stated coolly in my professional voice.

"Martinez."

"What can I do for you?"

"The Milans. I heard you have your own score to settle with them?"

"You heard, right."

"We have our own bone to pick with them. So, I was thinking about teaming up against them."

"Yeah, that's sounds good to me. Where do we meet? Sicily or America?"

"America. That's where we can most likely catch them. I'll be with my family in the country by th end of the week?"

"My warehouse on the Tuesday after you land."

"See you then."

The call ended at that but there was still a weird feeling in my stomach. The guilt that I have had since I killed her and now that I was going to see her family, it would only grow larger and larger but I reminded myself just as I usually would; I deserved it.

I needed to tell Angelo and Felix about it. After the whole incident with Sloan, I became a bit more distant to them but closer to my siblings but as Mafia men they had a right to know that we were teaming up with the Romano's to take over the Milans. So, I called for a meeting in my office between me, Angelo and Felix.

"We're teaming up with the Romano's." I plainly said.

"What? Why?" Felix asked bewildered by the decision because teaming up wasn't something the American Mafia would do. If we wanted something done, we would get it done ourselves with no help because that would mean we would owe someone else a favour and those debts would tangle our own mafia into danger and problems that didn't involve us at all.

"it's a mutual feeling towards them and we all know that we can't get rid of them alone, since those bastards are always playing dirty with us anyways."

"What about Reina?" Angelo spoke out softly. He had a tone with her now; a tone filled with absolute kindness and affection like something happened when she died and now, they had a closer relationship, which very much differed from the hatred they had when they were alive.

"They would have started a war, not reached out to team up against the enemy."

"So, you're not going to tell them?"

"in the end, when it all ends and the Milans are all dead they will know the whole truth and exactly what I did to her." And just like that the conversation swiftly moved back onto about shipments and training. A couple more hours checked out and I finally finished everything I wanted to do. It was late 11 o'clock and I went to end my day just the way I started it. At Nem's grave.

I kneeled down so I could talk to her, "hey Nem, just wanted to tell you, your brother called to team up to go against and defeat the Milans. That'll probably make you roll in your grave, won't it?" I made a light chuckle to myself as if it would lighten up the mood but hey doesn't work if no one else laughs.

"I'm going to tell them everything. Everything that I did to you. If they want to kill me, I'll let them. You know why, because I deserve it. I made you go through hell and back yet and I feel dead emotionally. So maybe when I'm dead I'll be with you and I can tell you how sorry I am in person and I'll get on my knees begging for your forgiveness. I'll spend however long it takes to win you back because I love you."

A tear fell down my eyes as I looked down at her. The clouds were already crying their tears as the heavy rain pattered violently onto the tombstone making it a shade darker. I start my day with her and I end my day with her. Tears would slide down for her and you know why? It was simply the aftereffect of my actions.