all my life,
love had proven time and time again to be false.
it was something you saw only in the most exaggerated movies.
a prime example?
the romantic films rose wastes her time watching.
the boy always falls for the girl,
they break up,
but suddenly life is perfect and works out for everyone in the end!
but let's face reality:
love is about settling.
love is choosing one person you can tolerate and sticking with them because you'll never find it anywhere else.
love is compromise.
you compromise half of yourself,
your equities,
your wealth,
to be met with half-assed "faithfulness" and "care."
i've seen it all my life,
i know this for certain.
i'd explained it to her once.
and i thought she understood.
but y/n l/n,
the strong headed girl she is,
didn't seem to grasp it as well as i thought.
while dating for six months,
i restrained my enamor for her in hopes that it didn't inflate to something uncontrollable and i was able to steady our relationship.
but it seemed that wasn't enough for her.
when she broke it off with me,
i remember staring at her in confusion.
"but why?"
i had asked.
she sighed deeply,
like she often did when frustrated,
and said,
"because, rafe, i'm begging you to love me when i shouldn't have to."
"i do love you,"
i defended.
it was true,
i did.
but how could i explain to her that the love she sought for simply existed in storybooks?
i could never give that to her.
"i don't know, maybe you do. but you don't show it. i just feel like...like someone you get to have on your arm. i don't feel loved by you."
"why? because i don't buy you flowers? i-i fixed up your car for you!"
y/n crossed her arms.
"and i appreciate it. but you only did that because you felt obligated, rafe. be honest. you've got this mindset of having to be miserable in your relationships and i thought i could show you differently but i can't. i can't lessen myself anymore to please you."
before i could speak another defending word,
she gave my cheek a departing kiss and left me behind.
i knew breakups were meant to be painful,
but this only left me confused.
i couldn't grasp the concept of being able to show her love.
it didn't make sense to me.
i had all of this planned out before me,
and suddenly it was gone.
y/n and i would go to college together,
later get married,
maybe have a few kids if we're lucky,
and spend the rest of our lives in a silent contentment.
what was wrong with that?
plenty of people did it,
and plenty of people loved it!
so why couldn't she?
y/n had an idea of a grander life and i later realized this at the next party i attended.
it was odd showing up without her.
i hadn't realized how comfortable i was with her company until i was left without it now.
when i saw her for the first time since that day,
she was lounging in the arms of some guy i'd never seen before now.
it repulses me to see how his hands linger on you.
it isn't right.
they look so foreign against your skin.
they don't belong there!
and surely you know this too.
i'm begging you, y/n.
realize how wrong this sight is.
my thoughts were pounding against my skull.
i wasn't jealous that y/n had moved on.
but i was jealous that whoever this guy was could love her in the way she wanted.
whereas i?
i wouldn't be able to.
when she caught my eye,
i felt a stutter echo inside my chest that nearly hurt.
it worsened when she walked up to stand in front of me.
"hey,"
y/n said with an awkward smile,
trying to be as cordial as possible.
"how are you?"
"good! good...you?"
"i'm fine, yeah."
the silence lingered upon us.
i wanted to reach out and scream that i'm sorry,
that i miss you,
that i love you,
but i shook the thoughts away.
these entrapped feelings were beginning to gain a hold of me.
and what would i do then?
so instead,
i asked,
"new boyfriend?"
"who? him? oh, no. god no."
she laughed at this then quickly recomposed herself.
"uh, just a friend. my cousins friend, actually."
so that's why i'd never seen him before.
"oh, okay. nice."
"yeah...well, it was good seeing you again. you look good, rafe. take care."
"you, too."
when she left me behind for the second time,
bouncing away with the cousins friend behind her,
i felt a pang of sadness hit my heart.
i was empty and cold without her company.
i nearly cursed at the feeling.
i wanted to call out y/n's name to have her return;
surely her presence could ease this ache in my chest.
but suddenly she was gone again.
what the hell is happening to me?
***
god, y/n.
i don't think i can be confused any longer.
i don't understand this emotional turmoil stirring inside of me,
i don't understand what she sees in him,
i don't understand anything anymore.

"can we talk?"

i sent the text to her before i could really grasp why i wanted to speak to her again.
i just needed to hear her voice,
needed to hear her whisper my name like she'd done so many times when we were lying together at night.
anything to lessen this stinging inside of me.

"yeah.
call me."

i didn't hesitate to.
y/n picked up on the first ring,
as though she were as desperate for this as i was.
"hello?"
"hey,"
she replied with a tone so shy i couldn't help but smile.
i miss you.
i miss you so fucking much it hurts.
but how could i verbalize this?
"just wanted to check in on you."
"i'm okay. how are you, rafe?"
i'm miserable.
i can't breathe anymore,
not without you
you deserve a love so genuine and true, y/n.
i'm sorry i didn't see it before.
i was stupid to believe anything less existed.
one more chance and i'll be the right man.
i'll be the man you deserve.
"i'm good, yeah...i'm good."
"that's good...any particular reason you called?"
because i want you back.
i want to grovel at your feet until i become worthy.
i want to love you like the way you deserve to be loved.
i want to make all your wishes, dreams, aspirations come true.
please just hear me!
"no, not really..."
"oh, okay. well then, um....i'm gonna go. bye, rafe."
please don't hang up.
please don't leave me.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
"bye, y/n."
when i was met the silence on the other end,
nothing could stop me from hurling my phone across the room.
i couldn't find a care to give as it shattered and fell onto the floor in pieces.
it didn't matter.
how could i value something as materialistic as that when i had lost a woman who is hard to find?
i am life's greatest fool.
i can hear the laughter now.
and strangely enough,
her laugh is the only one that stands out.
***
it's been three weeks now.
i don't know how i've managed to make this far because everyday i wake up and am met with the reminder that y/n no longer loves me,
i am fragmented all over again.
i haven't recovered another phone.
not that i want to,
anyways.
who else do i have to call or text?
i figured i'd save myself the embarrassment of dialing her again to say nothing.
say nothing.
why can't you say what matters?!
my bottled feelings are beginning to cut off my airways;
i can feel the clinging of the melancholy stick in clots to my throat.
i pull out the nearest piece of paper and blindly begin writing all that i cannot say aloud to her.

"i don't know what it is.
but y/n has bewitched me into a man i can no longer recognize.
though it's not a bad change.
my heart has felt deep loss since she left and i've realized that what this longing is...
it is love.
i should have realized it sooner,
but i'm an idiot.
i have loved y/n and i still do.
i just never thought i could feel it so deeply.
she is all i crave;
the taste of her lips to mine,
the gentle stroke of her caress to my once taut muscles,
the smell of her perfume lingering in the air around us,
the lying of her head to my chest.
she is my home.
how could i have been so blind,
so ignorant?
i am a changed man.
her love has run deep inside of me,
like her name carved itself into my bones.
her love has threaded itself around my heart and pulled tight.
my skin is a mere reminder of where her lips have once placed kisses.
i am nothing without her.
i am a simply a man made from a woman's love."

i pulled away from the paper,
surprised i hadn't torn a hole in it yet,
and let my breathing steady.
this.
this was all that y/n needed to hear to realize that i will marry her and love her till she's gray,
that i will not force her to settle;
i will become everything she wants or needs.
we will break the mold that has been forced upon us and we will reign with a love to have never been seen before.
i don't think i've ever known myself to run so quickly to someone's house.
but for y/n?
god, i'd do anything.
i hurriedly knock at her door and wait for her beautiful being to appear in front of me.
i'm trembling at this.
i've never been so vulnerable before nor have i felt such intense feelings of enamor.
but it's what i should have been doing from the start for my girl.
"rafe?"
her eyes are bleary as though i'd just awoken her.
i hadn't bothered to check the time.
"did i wake you?"
"yes, dork. it's late."
"i'm sorry...i'm sorry, i just..i need you to read this."
i handed her the paper with shaky hands and watched as she hesitantly took it from me.
i sat in writhing anticipation while her eyes scanned each word,
soaking it in and listening to all that my tongue would not allow me to say.
"you...you wrote this?"
"every word."
y/n folded the paper up slowly and looked at me in a disbelief i couldn't quite understand.
"what happened to your dismal idea of love? you know, settling and hoping for the best?"
"you happened."
y/n thought to herself for a moment then asked,
"why didn't you text me this? not that i don't love the letter idea. very romantic in a sense."
i felt bliss swallow me whole at the growing smile on her lips.
i couldn't help but chuckle.
"i broke it. this was the next best thing."
she nodded in understanding then let out an exhale of breath.
"oh, rafe...i just wish you had thought of this earlier."
"me too. i've wasted so much time. i'm...i'm sorry."
i surprised myself with this audible apology.
i would say it hundred times,
until my tongue was sore,
if it meant proving it to her.
"promise me something?"
y/n asked.
i stepped closer and gathered her hands into mine.
"anything."
"promise me that you'll do this-"
she held up the piece of paper in reference.
"-anytime you need to talk about something you can't speak of. this is all i wanted, rafe, was for you to communicate with me, to be vulnerable."
"i promise."
as though the past few weeks had been wearing her down,
y/n suddenly brightened and became lighter in the eyes.
i could drop to my knees now and forever revel in this sight.
but i stood as tall as my shaky legs could manage and gave her a kiss that was well overdue and something otherworldly.
i felt the world spin around me as i became entranced into her crimson lips,
tasting of sweet welcoming,
and was finally proven wrong.
this love could not be found in the movies,
nor did it exist in the common people.
i was fortunate enough to have created a love with someone who was willing to chase a better life.
we would last forever so long as our hearts beat.
it had never felt so good to be wrong.
***
"two years already. funny how fast time flies, doesn't it?"
y/n asked as i stepped into our new apartment,
where the air was clouded with a sweet smell.
she was baking for the fall weather.
i smiled and took her up into my arms,
embracing her as tightly as i could without hurting her,
and fell serene to be here with her.
after that fateful night,
y/n and i had never broke apart again.
she worked with me,
reading every letter i wrote until i could finally use my words.
there was a patience in her that i admired and would forever be grateful for;
she deserved everything the world had to offer.
and i would do anything to make sure she got it.
"best two years together,"
i mumbled against her temple then laid a kiss there.
when we finally fell out of each other's arms to exchange gifts,
i watched as she beamed excitedly for our night together.
i adored her with every bone in my body.
it was refreshing to know she would always be my lover.
"do you like it?"
she asked me when the present was unwrapped.
i smiled widely at it and nodded eagerly.
"i love it, y/n. thank you."
i handed her my gift next.
and when she opened it,
i watched the tears form in her eyes.
in the box that she opened,
laid a ring and note tacked to it that read:

"back to the letter,
where it all began:
my pretty girl,
my life long lover,
my perfect person,
will you marry me?"

—
an:
hi guysss <33
i wanted to try something different with this one,
yk have them older and whatnot.
i usually avoid the whole "marriage" "pregnancy" idea but idk i thought this one was fitting and cute.
gimme your opinions !!!
i always look forward to your comments!
i love you so much & hope you enjoyed!
be safe & stay healthy.
-e