the diagnosis is in:
y/n l/n has wounded bird syndrome.
anyone who has ever come across her can attest to this,
but it's important to know just where it stems from.
like all cliches,
y/n's greatest disappointment began in her father.
the man who defaulted to drinking his liver useless when things got rough,
the man who poured every ounce of burning anger out on her,
the man who would kiss her forehead gently and say,
"you're my greatest pride, y/n."
but no matter how great of a daughter she tried to be for him,
no matter the hours she put into trying to fix him,
he was a broken man.
y/n had failed to help him heal and vowed to never let it happen again.
except then she found herself stuck in a cycle that showed no signs of ever being broken.
a boy in need of great emotional validation and acceptance would stumble his way to y/n's open palms.
she would spend hours upon hours sewing him up just right,
fingers bleeding to show just how hard she worked.
she would ease their issues however they asked,
whether it be a simple kiss to the cheek or an evening of wounded pleasure.
so long as they were able to be healed and loved by her,
she'd do anything.
inevitably,
these very same boys stood in their new skins that had been patched together by y/n and left her without another look back.
no whispers of thanks,
no promises of remembrance,
just silence and departure.
y/n would spend days in her bed after these breakups,
clinging to her chest that echoed of an ache.
it seemed she forgotten that she was in need of healing too.
being so busy nursing the wounds of those undeserving,
she neglected these infections festering in the deepest parts of her.
but like all things good and bad that are harbored in secret,
they must come to the surface eventually.
y/n's need for mending had never been clearer until now.
"it just hurts so bad, top."
"i know. shit sucks."
topper laid a hand of support to y/n's shoulder then gave it a squeeze.
the two seemed to share the same grief in love:
always taking but never giving.
it had been the crux of their so close friendship now.
"i don't know what to do,"
y/n admitted in a low whisper,
wiping away the last of her tears.
"i have a few solutions for you. if you're willing."
"what?"
topper let out a breath then climbed to his feet where he would rummage through his sock drawer to retrieve a small bag that held an item of clear importance within.
"pick your poison, y/n."
y/n was surprised to see this kind of behavior from topper thorton.
how often he declined influential substances in public,
yet had been indulging in secret.
"you're taking drugs?"
the words sounded childish in the air.
"only occasionally. plus, it's just adderall. nothing crazy."
topper looked back into his sock drawer then continued saying,
"but there's other options, too."
"topper. i don't...no, i'm fine."
y/n shied away from the drugs her friend was offering.
it wasn't that she didn't want to indulge in them,
to escape from this overwhelming emotional turmoil,
but she didn't want to encourage topper in these surprisingly damning habits of his.
"okay...if you say so."
topper was offering it for her,
not himself.
that was different,
right?
it wasn't like she was actively rooting for topper to do drugs with her.
so what was the harm?
if topper could take them in moderation,
show no signs of this decision here,
then so could she.
"ugh, fine. just one."
"as you wish."
y/n scanned the three bags topper now held and decided on one randomly.
"that one."
"perfect choice."
the white pill was placed in the center of y/n's hand.
she could see the powder had been knocked loose from this pill and buried itself in the lines of her palm.
these lines symbolized her many lives led.
which reminded y/n of how many loves lost.
she swallowed the pill without another thought and felt it travel down her throat to make itself home in her system.
"what was it?"
"xanax. you're gonna love 'em."
***
topper had been absolutely right.
y/n l/n loved the blanket of comfort xanax provided.
she loved the numbness that overtook her limbs,
the carelessness in her thoughts that once rioted without remorse,
the simple state of existence.
though she had greatly miscalculated.
one was never enough.
when things at school had been rough,
she'd text topper and ask for just one more.
he obliged without another thought and y/n was sent home to be free from these negative emotions that seemed to bury her alive.
just until those bitter white pills did their job,
then she was free.
tonight was no different.
y/n was in desperate need of a break now that she'd been left alone with her raging thoughts.
"hey.
do you have anymore of the yk...?"
"no srry."
y/n let out a groan and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes,
hoping it would lessen the gnawing pain in her insides.
it didn't.
"but yk rafe?
i get em from him
you've been to his house before
just tell him i sent you.
u okay tho?"
"oh, okay
y/n has never been one for social interactions,
especially with strangers.
she waits idly by in silence until someone adopts her into their life.
she's never gone out of her way to make herself known,
never approached anyone no matter how badly she wanted to,
she's just made do with the silence.
topper and her had become friends by some odd string of luck,
her and sarah were merely friends by association,
and kie had befriended her the year they were lab partners.
if she wanted access to these pills,
y/n l/n would have to make herself known.
the idea was rather overwhelming and enough to convince her to quit right then and there.
but as she threw the covers over her head to hopefully whisk her into a distracting slumber,
the weight of her emotions came piling down and made her heave for air.
this pressure on her chest was much too painful to handle alone.
so she climbed from her bed and made way to the only place she knew rafe cameron would be.
"you must be y/n l/n."
y/n stopped walking long enough to pick her head up and see rafe leaning against the frame of his house.
"yeah?"
"topper said to expect you."
"oh...wait, i'm not like-like some fiend or anything. did he make it sound like that?"
rafe laughed beneath his breath and shrugged.
"i don't ask questions."
"...okay."
y/n looked down at her feet for a moment to gain her courage.
when she went to speak again,
rafe cut her off by the extending of his hand.
"here."
she took the small bag into her hand and tucked it away into her pocket.
"i have about..."
she trailed off while counting the money in her hand.
"no worries."
"hm?"
"i said no worries. you're covered."
y/n slowly let her hand drop to her side.
"did topper...?"
"nah. on the house."
"you're sure? i didn't..i didn't think drug dealers gave out free trials."
rafe laughed lowly at this.
he smoothed his hand over his jaw before saying,
"we don't."
"oh..okay. well, um, thank you."
he nodded his head to signal his welcomes.
y/n meant to walk out after this.
but she found herself frozen in place at the sight of his brown eyes with tranquility grazing over her.
how contradictory they were to her own.
the raging storm that took place in them,
showing every truth to her suffocating desolation,
locking with rafe's eyes that reigned true to ease.
"you need something else?"
he asked in a tone of inquiry.
y/n quickly shook her head.
"sorry, no. uh...i'll see you around."
she walked away after that,
not hearing the mumbled words of,
"hopefully not."
fall from his lips.
rafe has seen his fair share of addicts.
it's impossible not to in this line of work.
it's something in someone he's always been able to sniff out;
it's poison in their system.
no matter how hard they try to keep up with their facades,
the scent leaks through them.
he doesn't smell this particular scent on y/n.
she doesn't strike him as a regular addict nor a high schooler who is bored with life.
whatever she's trying to escape runs deeper and is something malicious.
rafe thinks he has it all figured out on most days.
then he's forced with times like these to wonder:
what are you escaping, y/n?
***
y/n is trying to quit.
she really is.
she's realized there is nothing good that can come from such dependency,
but it's become so hard to avoid them.
when she finds herself in any kind of emotional distress,
y/n closes her eyes and remembers the peace settling in rafe's eyes.
if someone like him,
who has sure to been through a tenfold of her pain,
can maintain a quiet life,
then so can she.
at this realization,
y/n finds her way back to his home and sees him sitting in what looks to be boredom.
"y/n l/n,"
he greets with a gentle smile.
"rafe cameron,"
she returns.
"what can i do for you?"
"can i ask you something strange?"
he nods his head in reply.
"are you happy?"
"what? you mean, like, with life?"
"yeah. with life."
rafe holds his chin into his hand for a moment to think.
he then laughs and says,
"honestly? i don't know."
"sorry...sorry. i don't know what the hell i'm doing,"
y/n admits through a dry laugh.
she rubs her perspiring palms to her jeans while sighing.
"i get it. i just...haven't thought about it."
"right. why would you? nobody thinks about those kinds of things."
rafe can see right through her illusion of courage.
"you think about 'em."
"i think about way more than i should, rafe."
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