wounded bird syndrome-rafe cameron.

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the diagnosis is in:
y/n l/n has wounded bird syndrome.
anyone who has ever come across her can attest to this,
but it's important to know just where it stems from.
like all cliches,
y/n's greatest disappointment began in her father.
the man who defaulted to drinking his liver useless when things got rough,
the man who poured every ounce of burning anger out on her,
the man who would kiss her forehead gently and say,
"you're my greatest pride, y/n."
but no matter how great of a daughter she tried to be for him,
no matter the hours she put into trying to fix him,
he was a broken man.
y/n had failed to help him heal and vowed to never let it happen again.
except then she found herself stuck in a cycle that showed no signs of ever being broken.
a boy in need of great emotional validation and acceptance would stumble his way to y/n's open palms.
she would spend hours upon hours sewing him up just right,
fingers bleeding to show just how hard she worked.
she would ease their issues however they asked,
whether it be a simple kiss to the cheek or an evening of wounded pleasure.
so long as they were able to be healed and loved by her,
she'd do anything.
inevitably,
these very same boys stood in their new skins that had been patched together by y/n and left her without another look back.
no whispers of thanks,
no promises of remembrance,
just silence and departure.
y/n would spend days in her bed after these breakups,
clinging to her chest that echoed of an ache.
it seemed she forgotten that she was in need of healing too.
being so busy nursing the wounds of those undeserving,
she neglected these infections festering in the deepest parts of her.
but like all things good and bad that are harbored in secret,
they must come to the surface eventually.
y/n's need for mending had never been clearer until now.
"it just hurts so bad, top."
"i know. shit sucks."
topper laid a hand of support to y/n's shoulder then gave it a squeeze.
the two seemed to share the same grief in love:
always taking but never giving.
it had been the crux of their so close friendship now.
"i don't know what to do,"
y/n admitted in a low whisper,
wiping away the last of her tears.
"i have a few solutions for you. if you're willing."
"what?"
topper let out a breath then climbed to his feet where he would rummage through his sock drawer to retrieve a small bag that held an item of clear importance within.
"pick your poison, y/n."
y/n was surprised to see this kind of behavior from topper thorton.
how often he declined influential substances in public,
yet had been indulging in secret.
"you're taking drugs?"
the words sounded childish in the air.
"only occasionally. plus, it's just adderall. nothing crazy."
topper looked back into his sock drawer then continued saying,
"but there's other options, too."
"topper. i don't...no, i'm fine."
y/n shied away from the drugs her friend was offering.
it wasn't that she didn't want to indulge in them,
to escape from this overwhelming emotional turmoil,
but she didn't want to encourage topper in these surprisingly damning habits of his.
"okay...if you say so."
topper was offering it for her,
not himself.
that was different,
right?
it wasn't like she was actively rooting for topper to do drugs with her.
so what was the harm?
if topper could take them in moderation,
show no signs of this decision here,
then so could she.
"ugh, fine. just one."
"as you wish."
y/n scanned the three bags topper now held and decided on one randomly.
"that one."
"perfect choice."
the white pill was placed in the center of y/n's hand.
she could see the powder had been knocked loose from this pill and buried itself in the lines of her palm.
these lines symbolized her many lives led.
which reminded y/n of how many loves lost.
she swallowed the pill without another thought and felt it travel down her throat to make itself home in her system.
"what was it?"
"xanax. you're gonna love 'em."
***
topper had been absolutely right.
y/n l/n loved the blanket of comfort xanax provided.
she loved the numbness that overtook her limbs,
the carelessness in her thoughts that once rioted without remorse,
the simple state of existence.
though she had greatly miscalculated.
one was never enough.
when things at school had been rough,
she'd text topper and ask for just one more. 
he obliged without another thought and y/n was sent home to be free from these negative emotions that seemed to bury her alive.
just until those bitter white pills did their job,
then she was free.
tonight was no different.
y/n was in desperate need of a break now that she'd been left alone with her raging thoughts.

"hey.
do you have anymore of the yk...?"

"no srry."

y/n let out a groan and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes,
hoping it would lessen the gnawing pain in her insides.
it didn't.

"but yk rafe?
i get em from him
you've been to his house before
just tell him i sent you.
u okay tho?"

"oh, okay

thanks.
yeah, yeah
all is good."

y/n has never been one for social interactions,
especially with strangers.
she waits idly by in silence until someone adopts her into their life.
she's never gone out of her way to make herself known,
never approached anyone no matter how badly she wanted to,
she's just made do with the silence.
topper and her had become friends by some odd string of luck,
her and sarah were merely friends by association,
and kie had befriended her the year they were lab partners.
if she wanted access to these pills,
y/n l/n would have to make herself known.
the idea was rather overwhelming and enough to convince her to quit right then and there.
but as she threw the covers over her head to hopefully whisk her into a distracting slumber,
the weight of her emotions came piling down and made her heave for air.
this pressure on her chest was much too painful to handle alone.
so she climbed from her bed and made way to the only place she knew rafe cameron would be.
"you must be y/n l/n."
y/n stopped walking long enough to pick her head up and see rafe leaning against the frame of his house.
"yeah?"
"topper said to expect you."
"oh...wait, i'm not like-like some fiend or anything. did he make it sound like that?"
rafe laughed beneath his breath and shrugged.
"i don't ask questions."
"...okay."
y/n looked down at her feet for a moment to gain her courage.
when she went to speak again,
rafe cut her off by the extending of his hand.
"here."
she took the small bag into her hand and tucked it away into her pocket.
"i have about..."
she trailed off while counting the money in her hand.
"no worries."
"hm?"
"i said no worries. you're covered."
y/n slowly let her hand drop to her side.
"did topper...?"
"nah. on the house."
"you're sure? i didn't..i didn't think drug dealers gave out free trials."
rafe laughed lowly at this.
he smoothed his hand over his jaw before saying,
"we don't."
"oh..okay. well, um, thank you."
he nodded his head to signal his welcomes.
y/n meant to walk out after this.
but she found herself frozen in place at the sight of his brown eyes with tranquility grazing over her.
how contradictory they were to her own.
the raging storm that took place in them,
showing every truth to her suffocating desolation,
locking with rafe's eyes that reigned true to ease.
"you need something else?"
he asked in a tone of inquiry.
y/n quickly shook her head.
"sorry, no. uh...i'll see you around."
she walked away after that,
not hearing the mumbled words of,
"hopefully not."
fall from his lips.
rafe has seen his fair share of addicts.
it's impossible not to in this line of work.
it's something in someone he's always been able to sniff out;
it's poison in their system.
no matter how hard they try to keep up with their facades,
the scent leaks through them.
he doesn't smell this particular scent on y/n.
she doesn't strike him as a regular addict nor a high schooler who is bored with life.
whatever she's trying to escape runs deeper and is something malicious.
rafe thinks he has it all figured out on most days.
then he's forced with times like these to wonder:
what are you escaping, y/n?
***
y/n is trying to quit.
she really is.
she's realized there is nothing good that can come from such dependency,
but it's become so hard to avoid them.
when she finds herself in any kind of emotional distress,
y/n closes her eyes and remembers the peace settling in rafe's eyes.
if someone like him,
who has sure to been through a tenfold of her pain,
can maintain a quiet life,
then so can she.
at this realization,
y/n finds her way back to his home and sees him sitting in what looks to be boredom.
"y/n l/n,"
he greets with a gentle smile.
"rafe cameron,"
she returns.
"what can i do for you?"
"can i ask you something strange?"
he nods his head in reply.
"are you happy?"
"what? you mean, like, with life?"
"yeah. with life."
rafe holds his chin into his hand for a moment to think.
he then laughs and says,
"honestly? i don't know."
"sorry...sorry. i don't know what the hell i'm doing,"
y/n admits through a dry laugh.
she rubs her perspiring palms to her jeans while sighing.
"i get it. i just...haven't thought about it."
"right. why would you? nobody thinks about those kinds of things."
rafe can see right through her illusion of courage.
"you think about 'em."
"i think about way more than i should, rafe."

y/n admits in a low laugh.
"do less of that. don't overthink."
"i don't know how to do that."
rafe leans himself back into his chair and gives himself a few beats to think this through.
"i'll teach you."
"teach...me?"
"yeah, you know. i'll show you how."
rafe knows he's lying right through his teeth.
if anyone is an obsessive over-thinker,
it's him.
but seeing this girl before him,
so frail with fears and striving for something better,
needing more than just a white pill to be kept at bay,
he'll do what's necessary to keep her safe and around.
and there's a small part of him,
a very small part,
that finds y/n interesting.
it seems they both need a friend in this dire time.
"okay...yeah, i'd like that."
rafe stands up from his spot and walks closer to y/n,
placing one last pill into her hand and saying,
"whatever it is you're running from, it's catching up. consider this your last, okay?"
y/n can feel her throat closing up at rafe's significant words.
but she clears it and nods in agreement.
"right. o-okay. thank you. i really appreciate everything. you're a good person, rafe."
he has to stop himself from laughing at this.
him?
a good person?
she's funnier than she'll give herself credit for.
rafe cameron thinks he is beyond saving.
he's a drug dealer just for the hell of it,
meaning he enables people to slowly kill themselves.
that includes this beautiful girl before him who's in obvious need of help,
not drugs.
still,
he didn't second guess handing her some relief.
rafe cameron cusses at his sisters until they're red in the face,
he disappoints his father,
and he only knows where his mother has ended up.
perhaps that's where it all began,
the absence of a maternal touch.
"you have all the potential to be better, y/n,"
rafe finally says with a smile.
please be better than me.
he doesn't understand this rising urge to help.
he can hardly help himself,
how does he expect to advise and guide a whole other being?
but when he lets his eyes connect with hers,
he knows he'll do anything to see her stray away from this life.
y/n knows too,
that this is the beginning of something greater than either of them could ever anticipate.
how strange fate can be,
leading a pair of saddened souls together to find something grand.
***
"y/n?"
she can hardly open her eyes.
whoever is before her,
imaginative or not,
she wishes they would go away.
"hey, you okay?"
"rafe?"
despite her dry tongue,
the surprise is still evident in her words.
"yeah, it's me. here. sit up."
the bitterness on her tongue hasn't settled.
she's still very drowsy beneath the pills authority on her body.
why had she taken it so early?
surely she's missing school...
wait,
what time is it?
"what's happening? am i...is this a dream?"
rafe gives her a gentle smirk then hands her a glass of water.
"what, you dream about me?"
the flush in y/n's face is red-hot.
definitely not a dream.
"i heard what happened. wanted to make sure you were okay..."
"did my dad let you in?"
"uh...no. you texted me."
y/n sits up and feels her head swim.
she groans while leaning forward to steady herself.
rafe is quick by her side,
urging her to take a small sip from the cup.
"i need to quit,"
she whispers.
she can't remember the text she sent rafe nor does she know what day it is.
"you will,"
he reassures.
with her blank in memory,
rafe has a small hope she won't remember the incident.
though he isn't sure what's worse:
having to comfort her or remind her.
both seem equally as painful.
y/n feels a sense of dread claw up at her chest and inside her throat.
it's leftover from whatever seems to have happened before she got home.
and as she takes a look at her hands,
crescent moons cut deep into her palms from her nails,
she thinks:
why had i been clutching my fists so tightly?
then it all comes rising to the surface.
y/n lets out a gasp then covers it up with her hand,
but nothing can stop the tears rising in her eyes.
"please tell me that didn't happen."
rafe wants to lie now more than ever.
it would make sense to,
but he just can't.
he can't get the words of fabrication to slip from his lips.
his silence is enough for y/n.
she vaguely remembers through the cloud over her memory,
the printed pictures of promiscuity taped to her locker in ridicule,
but the humiliation is all so clear.
she wants to cry out in anger but instead,
she relaxes back and lets the medicine do it's job.
then,
she laughs.
"jesus...that's so embarrassing."
"do you know who did it?"
the laughter of her peers is echoing inside y/n's mind,
threatening to penetrate her numbness.
"mhm. um...this dude i dated. we broke up recently. he broke up with me. so...i don't understand his intention with the...the pictures."
y/n's words are slightly slurred,
but rafe can make sense of it.
"it's funny because he begged me to take those. begged, rafe. he damn near cried until i finally sent them. and for what? to be laughed at?"
y/n laughs a little more then shakes her head.
"so...he, like, coerced you into sending those?"
she lolls her head to the side to stare at him through her blurred vision.
"no? i don't know. maybe? it doesn't matter. i'm the one who sent them so it's really my fault."
she puts her head into her hands and exhales yet another giggle.
"i'm so stupid."
rafe lifts y/n's head up by placing his finger under her chin.
when he's met with her glossed over eyes,
everything suddenly makes sense.
the hanging melancholy in the air when he walked in,
the abandonment of a paternal power to both y/n and her home,
the boys she's been seen with who are all so undeserving of her care.
the boys that are much like me.
"you're not stupid. don't think that for another second. you hear me? what he did was-was gross and not at all your fault. people are sick."
y/n's expression,
still so influenced by her digestion,
melts into one of quick joy.
"thank you."
he gives her a half smile then lets his suddenly so comforting hands fall back to his side.
"rafe?"
"yeah?"
"are we, like, best friends now?"
rafe exhales a well needed laugh with the lowering of his head.
but when he picks it back up to see y/n,
he nods.
"the best of friends."
***
y/n had been dreading class this morning.
but now that she's here,
it's not half as bad as she thought it would be.
anyone hardly seems to be paying her any mind,
everything has seemingly gone back to normal.
a part of her begins to think she imagined it all,
conjured up this damsel in distress to have rafe ride to her rescue.
but there's still lingering evidence.
her ex-boyfriend has yet to be seen,
meaning he's been suspended for such indecency.
the pictures have been balled and thrown into trash cans she often passes,
teachers are offering her even more sympathetic stares,
and the cuts in her palm can not be faked.
then why is everyone so quiet?
everyone is passing up perfect opportunities to ridicule her,
just as they'd done yesterday.
it isn't until she meets topper after school that she finds out why.
"there you are! shit, man. are you okay? i tried calling after it all happened but you went m.i.a."
he places his hands on her shoulders to solidify her existence.
"and i didn't want to swing by your house. i know how you are..."
topper says in reference to her embarrassingly loud father.
"right. no, yeah. i'm okay. i was with-i was just resting,"
she hurries to cover.
y/n isn't sure why she doesn't want topper to know her and rafe have gotten closer,
especially after last night.
after their agreement in newfound friendship,
y/n let rafe rest in the empty space beside her.
when the xanax worn thin,
rafe drove them around to find food and eat it in a place of peace.
they settled on an abandoned park and filled the silence with hypotheticals and laughter.
"did you see what happened to him?"
"him?"
y/n repeats in confusion.
"oh, are we saying his name now?"
she immediately realized topper is discussing the very ex-boyfriend that created this issue.
she snickers.
"no, did he get suspended?"
"better. he's been arrested."
y/n's eyes widen.
"what?!"
"yeah! turns out, the printing thing he did, is seriously illegal."
topper pulls up the webpage where this very culprits mugshot can be seen.
y/n notices how bruised his face is.
there's a swelling eye tinged with purple as though it's bruised,
coupled with a split lip.
"oh...what-what happened to him?"
"i don't know. i was gonna ask you."
y/n looks up at topper and furrows her eyebrows.
if it wasn't topper and it wasn't her...
then who delivered such a furious assault?
nobody else would've gone to bat for her.
surely it wasn't-
"rafe!"
topper greets with a smile,
bringing him in for a fraternal pat on the back.
y/n is still stunned but becomes busy with nerves at rafe's arrival.
she isn't sure why she's so sheepish all of a sudden.
"we're all about to go to the kelce's to hangout. you in?"
"yeah, i'm there,"
topper agrees while adjusting the bag on his shoulders.
"y/n, right?"
rafe asks in mock greeting.
she has to stop herself from grinning.
their own secret language to keep their night of fun to

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