when i slammed the door shut behind me,
i hadn't realized the severity of the anger coursing through my veins.
the house shook beneath its influence and i suddenly couldn't find the control to keep this rage inside.
i could still hear my mother's tone,
loud and spiteful,
cursing my name to the depths of hell.
the night air now surrounding me wasn't enough to cool the fire burning inside of me.
what happened next didn't happen by my own volition.
the aggressive and brutal punching to the tree trunk in my front yard,
bruising and crushing the bones in my knuckles,
felt as though it were not me controlling it.
and after a few more loud sobs,
the anger ebbed away to leave me with a hangover.
my head pounded and sent blooms of pain throughout my entire body along with the pulsating of my knuckles.
thin streaks of blood trickled down my hand.
i slowly sank myself down against the same tree and allowed for my thoughts to come full force:
i hate home.
i hate my mother.
i hate this town.
i wanted nothing more than to up and leave right here in this moment.
but the entirety of my life is here.
i know no other place than this town,
as much as i hate to admit it.
there is no place for me.
i belong no where.
hours passed before me when i realized i was sitting still in the same patch of dirt,
accompanied with bleeding and sore knuckles.
in hindsight,
hitting the tree wasn't my best idea.
i laughed at my blind stupidity and leaned my throbbing head against the tree trunk,
allowing my swollen eyes to shut for just a few seconds.
the moon shined bright above me and filled me with its strength when i was emptied of mine.
i loaded myself into the car and began driving in a daze with no specific destination in mind.
all i could focus on was the gravel beneath my tires.
it wasn't until i parked the car that i realized where my subconscious mind has delivered me:
john b's home,
the chateau.
i quietly walked into the house that sheltered my loving boy,
listening as the floors squeaked beneath my weight.
he hadn't become aware of my presence yet,

so i watched in admiration as his darkened room became filled with music from his phone,
then followed by his low humming.
"quite the performance,"
i teased after moments more of blank admiration.
i leaned myself against his doorframe and watched his head swivel around,
a face illuminated by his phone.
his smile was wide and bright;
how it warmed my sore heart.
"you liked it, huh? was just for you,"
he played along before sitting himself up and opening his arms for me to fall into.
"was wondering when i'd see you."
i crumbled beneath his gesture and crawled to the only place i knew i'd be protected;
harm would never find me so long and john b held
me tight.
"y/n, what happened to your knuckles?"
john b asked in a whisper.
i answered in the same lowered voice,
careful not to disturb the peace settling inside of me.
"i punched a tree."
john b snickered at my carelessness but continued to examine my hand.
"what happened? does it hurt? it might be broken...are you okay?"
"calm down, dr shepard."
i slowly removed my hands from his grasp to lessen his worry.
the sudden attention on them and the reason for it all is embarrassing.
i'd rather shy away.
"i'm fine. just got a little upset was all."
john b stood silent for a moment then laid a kiss to my temple.
"you know i'm here for you? right?"
he reassures in the softest voice i've ever heard slip from his lips.
"i know."
john b gives me a tight hug then quickly rises from the bed,
despite my groans of protest.
i can hear him rifling around in the bathroom which earns a quiet giggle.
when he returns,
his hands are full with items to nurse my hands back to health.
"seriously?"
my eyes narrow toward him,
but he only shrugs it off with a smile.
"what? don't want it to get infected,"
he spent a few more minutes than necessary cleaning the wounds on my hands and wrapping them tight with an ace bandage.
"see? you're all better. how's that for dr shepard?"
he joked while kissing my cheek.
"you're a bit dramatic."
but beneath the words,
i'm thanking him for caring for me.
i hope he can hear them,
even when my tongue won't let me say what i want.
"better safe than sorry."
he then lays himself on top of me,
his full weight pressing down on me,
which makes me giggle and forget all i'd been worried for.
i wrap my arms around his neck and indulge into a kiss that soothes the soul.
he's the perfect medicine.
i wonder, though, if he can taste the salt on my lips from the tears that dried there.
and as though he read my thoughts,
he pulls back and asks,
"what happened?"
"same as always."
"your mom?"
"mhm."
john b leaned his forehead against mine and sighed,
"come live with me."
"us as roommates? you'd kick me out in the same day."
i smiled,
watching as he chuckled a little.
"i'm serious. you're old enough to now. i don't...i don't like her treating you this way. let me help."
"i don't know, john b,"
i muttered,
inhaling slowly.
the air is tinged with his scent.
it forces itself in my lungs to be memorized there.
he gives me a reassuring smile then plants a soft kiss to my lips.
"just think on it for me. that's all i'm asking.
"the john b wants me as a roommate? how romantic."
i feign,
pressing the back of my injured hand to my forehead.
he mocks my laugh but continues saying,
"figured we might as well get used to it. you know, for when we're married and living on the figure eight side of the island?"
hearing our names in the same sentence as marriage makes my heart skip serval beats.
my smile is still evident,
but i can't help picture of a grander life with him as my husband.
as wild as it may seem,
it feels right.
"marriage, huh?"
"yes ma'am. got to buy the finest ring for the finest girl on this island."
"oh, yeah?"
"yeah,"
he echos while pinching my side as a joke.
i jerk then give him a well deserved slap to the chest,
though it phases him none.
"sounds great, john b.."
"doesn't it?"
i run my fingertips down his back slowly as the silence overcomes us.
"i love you, jb. like..a lot. i love you a lot."
he laughs at my jumbled words and returns them with ease,
"i love you way more, y/n."
"let's be roommates,"
i decide while his eyes are still locked with mine.
it would be an adjustment at first,
it might even be odd,
but john b was offering refuge in my time of despair;
an escape.
"you wanna be my roommate?"
"of course i do."
his smile seems to brighten with watts i never imagined existed.
he throws his fist in the air dramatically and celebrates.
"yes! i did it!"
he hugs me close as though any space between us will make me change my mind.
but that's impossible.
i wouldn't want to be anywhere else than where i am now.
"i've been waiting so long to ask you that,"
he admits while kissing my skin time and time again.
i giggle beneath his affection then kiss him rather soothingly.
"you belong here, you know that?"
he whispers against my lips.
the words fill me with warmth,
increase the flow of my blood,
and suddenly i'm weightless;
free of any burdens.
i do belong.
and it's in the arms of my lover,
and now roommate,
john b.