kiara carrera and i are two completely different people,
i feel this is important to note.
she is fire,
i am ice.
she is cold winters night,
i am a hot summers day.
whatever million other expressions there are to emphasize the rift in our differences you could imagine,
it applied.
yet,
here we laid,
her body tangled into mine as our lips spoke words against one another,
yearning to channel out this burning vigor.
our hearts joined in a beautiful staccato while the symphony drummed through our veins to be heard in our ears.
her hands searched my skin,
caressing flaws,
digging into crevices,
in search for the answers that i, too, sought to know. but our questions remained unanswered and there was solace in that;
not knowing meant not feeling regretful.
years of riled anger, alongside beautiful, covered friendship were being poured out into this desperate, impromptu kiss that flooded my veins with a foreign form of fervor i'd never known to exist.
and i surely didn't expect these surge in emotions to be drawn out by kie.
especially when just two hours prior,
she vowed to never be within my vicinity ever again.
her slender fingers fanned my throat in an attempt to keep me close;
pulling me closer so that my lungs could only suffice on her perfumed scent and that alone.
ardency had never been expected to be felt from the influence of one another.
when she pulled back,
my lips were left crimson and numb in her wake.
my body was engulfed into a blush which only increased when she laid her forehead to mine and whispered,
"you're going to be the death of me, y/n."
our harbored love is not something i was sure would survive the trials and tribulations of life.
but,
here i stood,
proven wrong.
kie and i had made it through everything that begged to stop us.
though i suppose our story,
if it should be told right in all it's beauty and tragedy, should start at the beginning.
as you can imagine,
it all begins with two girls,
having no particular footing in life,
finding ways to what would later become their forever.
***
freshman year.
if i close my eyes and try hard enough,
i can still smell the hallways that belonged to that school.
the stench that followed the gym,
the walls that had just been repainted,
the fusion of headaching colognes and all too sweet perfumes lingering in the air.
nerves were bundling in my core as i walked through the halls,
emitting to send my whole body into tremors and sweats.
i rubbed my clammy palms against my jeans as i entered my very first class of the day.
due to my lack of navigation,
i was the last one to arrive.
"ah! y/n l/n, correct?"
the teacher greeted,
her eyes bright with the indulgence of coffee.
"y-yeah. that's me."
"right on. go on and take a seat by kiara carrera. kie, raise your hand will you?"
my eyes scanned the room until they fell upon her.
at first glance,
all i could do was admire her beauty,
with sun kissed skin that made her elegant and near royal,
hair that had been recently braided sitting well past her collarbones,
and a choice of style that looked comfortable but still radiated sense.
her eyes,
when they locked with mine,
sent a wave of warmth over me.
i was immediately comforted,
having all nervous feelings ebbed away from me beneath her gaze.
i took my seat beside her and said,
"y/n."
she smiled,
taking no note to my mousy voice or furiously blushing cheeks,
then said,
"kie. nice to meet you, y/n."
"you, too."
"do you know anybody else here?"
i shook my head.
i'd just moved in from three states over just a week earlier.
this setting,
this new small town,
was all new for me.
"figured. it's a small town. everyone's been raving about you, you know?"
"oh, god."
kie giggled behind her hand,
hiding it from the rest of the world,
which made me laugh in turn.
our own secret laugh,
hidden to be our own.
it was nearly exhilarating.
"it's all good things, for now at least. the thing about this town is, you're in the gossip at least once a month. good, bad, funny, whatever it may be. there's nothing for these people to do but talk shit so, be prepared."
the warning felt all too blunt for my subtle way of going about things.
but i only nodded and said,
"wow. okay...t-thank you."
"mhm. hey, sit with me at lunch today."
i was growing to admire the way she faced things head on.
there was nothing that prevented her from achieving what she wished,
i could tell that much already.
i was wishing that i had that way of thinking.
"okay, yeah. i'd love to."
"great!"
i sat back into my seat and tried to stop the shake in my legs.
i hated myself for feeling this overwhelming suffocation that often followed my anxieties.
i forced myself to take in a deep breath and tried to calm myself,
saying that i needed to be headstrong and brave.
just like kie.

lunch had been the most fun for me yet.
kie was so animated when she discussed topics of interest,
waving her hands around and having her expressions pulled tight.
it made me smile to the point my cheeks were beginning to grow sore.
"i don't know. what do you think?"
i had seldom found friends who picked at my mind in the way kie did.
it was refreshing and all the more stimulating.
"i think you're right. its odd that she would just stop talking to you like that. do you think she's trying to, like, make you an outcast or something?"
"probably. i don't know. she's always has an ulterior motive for what she does."
i nodded in understanding then asked,
"where are your friends? the-the boys you're talking about."
"oh, two of 'em hardly come to school. pope, on the other hand, practically lives at school. he's in the library studying right now."
like most girls do when conversing about a group of boys,
i raised my eyebrows in insinuation.
"there's three? which one are you inevitably in love with?"
kie rolled her eyes and threw the food in her hand back down in its tray.
"none of them. i'm so tired of that narrative."
i withdrew my taunts at her obvious exasperation to the topic.
"i'm sorry. i was just joking. i'd probably be in love with one of them, which is why i asked. but i'm sure it's only annoying for you."
kie tosses me a look that looks rather glossy then shrugs.
"yeah, sorry. i didn't-i didn't mean to snap."
i can't understand her sudden dejection in mood.
"you might like pope. he's quiet like you, shy too."
i exhale a laugh at this,
which seems to make her smile.
it's lighter on my chest knowing she's happy again.
***
we became tight knit friends in a matter of seconds.
there wasn't a day that went by where i wasn't attached to kie's hip,
and she wasn't attached to mine.
where i went,
kie went.
where kie went,
i was bound to be there too.
but i cherished the days we spent in solitude with one another.
lying together with our legs entwined,
laughing over each other until tears streamed from our eyes.
we'd watch movies until the sun came up and hadn't tired us out yet.
it was times like these where we didn't feel so different.
until i was ready to stay up for the rest of the day and kie refused,
saying that she didn't want to ruin her schedule completely.
then there were nights like tonight.
we made way to a party that was being hosted by a friend in our class,
which was just an excuse to drink ourselves stupid.
kie and i cheered with each shot of liquid that fell slick down our throats,
and we celebrated by dancing together with the beat of the house music.
until suddenly,
kie left me behind to find better entertainment in some random boy we've passed by in the halls.
i can't make sense of this blistering jealously that's turning over in my stomach.
i love kie,
there's no doubt there,
but i'm beginning to wonder if maybe there's some underlying reasoning for that love;
if it extends past the usual casual, friendly love i'm so used to.
but i don't sit around any longer to question it.
i drunkenly make my way to the center of the crowd where drinking games are being played,
but i find no interest in them,
no matter how badly i want to be involved.
i keep checking over my shoulder for kie,
watching her laugh with the boy the same way she laughs with me,
watching her stare at him with those glittering eyes that only i could admire in their entirety.
nobody understands kie like i do.
it hurt to see someone else try,
to see someone flirt with her when they knew nothing of her.
"you're up, y/n!"
the girl beside me cheers.
her grin is too wide for my liking.
"what?"
"seven minutes in heaven, duh! go, go!"
"oh, god, no!"
i protest,
but it's too late.
i'm being shoved into the nearest closet with a boy of random choosing in there beside me.
i catch kie's eye before i'm shut in and notice the fire lingering in there.
when i'm in the closet,
physically this time,
the boy and i stare at each other blankly.
"well?"
he asks,
expecting me to melt in his arms and kiss him blindly.
i may be drunk,
but not that drunk.
i want to gag at the idea of it.
"step any closer and i'll break your nose, dick,"
i spit with a certain venom procured by the image of kie and that stupid, stupid boy.
seven minutes felt like an eternity.
finally,
i'm freed and instantly am searching for kie.
i find her with her body so close to the boy from earlier,
that my heart shreds itself in this sight.
shoving past the crowd and out the front door,
i make my walking trail home.
i have a small sense of hope that kie will follow after me and beg me to stay,
but she only notices about an hour later.
she climbs into my window and hovers over my still body in the bed,
being sure i'm awake before she says,
"what the hell? you just left me there?"
"you were busy."
kie sits in the space left provided by the position of my body and sighs.
"what? because i talked to some dude?"
"i don't know,"
i answer.
because truth was,
i didn't know.
"are you mad at me?"
kie asks.
i've always known the girl to speak in a voice of power and influence.
it's never as quiet as it is in this moment.
it makes my heart soften and i reach out for her,
pulling her into my arms to rest.
we're both drunk and tired,
there's no reason to complicate things that have only been brought up by the influence of alcohol.
"do you like him?"
i ask in impulse as my arms are wrapped around her waist,
her backside pressed to mine.
i watch her eyes flutter,
trying to keep open so she can talk.
"no...i don't like him."
there's an emphasis in that sentence i can't get my bleary mind to make sense of.
so i only nod at her answer and fall asleep,
feeling warmed and whole for the first time in a while.

kie's gone when i wake up just a few hours later.
the faint impression of her body lying itself in my bed,
in my arms,
is still prominent and i long to feel her company again.
i pick my phone up to call her,
but i'm rejected and sent straight to voicemail.
i wonder if her phone is dead,
so i don't try it again.
i'm hungover,
sore,
and aching in more places than one,
which forces me to climb from my bed and trail to the coffee shop that has come as a tradition to kie and i.
i deliver it to her house,
but find that her mother answers the door instead of her.
"hey, is kie okay?"
i ask,
beginning to feel the worry bloom in my chest.
"she's okay. not feeling too good, though."
"oh...okay. give her this for me?"
"i will. thank you, y/n. you're sweet."
i send her mother a soft smile and see the similarities that are in kie.
the rounded eyes,
the plumped lips,
they both possess a beauty that's not able to be mimicked.
i am both jealous and in awe.
"tell her to call me when she can. see you guys later." we part ways and i drive back home alone.
something is beginning to burrow within me and i can't quite put my finger on why.
i'm worried for kie,
worried that her sickness lies beyond the common hangover.
when i park my car and stare,
i realize i'm worried that her ailment is directed towards me. 
***
kie hasn't called or responded to any of my texts in a week.
it's the longest kie and i have ever been apart since we met,
and the separation is causing heaves of anxiety to overcome me.
i can't figure out what i did so wrong to make her want to rid of me like this.
why won't she talk to me?
she's never been the one to ignore and shove her problems away,
that was always my tactic.
now the roles seemed to be reversed.
i'm practically pleading for her to talk to me,
to face this issue,
whatever it is,
head on and to just tell me we'e okay.
but she dodges all my calls,
ignores all my texts,
and avoids me anywhere else.
it's a pain piercing itself through my fragile heart.
when the two week mark hit,
i felt it in my core;
her absence.
i couldn't handle not hearing her gentle laughter in the air,
not feeling her hand grasp mine in moments of excitement or anxiety,
not having her presence to bathe me in divinity.
i've memorized her face in all it's sculpted beauty.
i miss tracing her defined cheekbones,
drawing lines down her forehead with my finger.
i miss feeling her touch draw over the dip in my cupid's bow.
i especially miss feeling her kisses to my shoulders.
i long for them now.
feeling her absence is almost like mourning;
a piece of my soul has been ripped out.
it took me this long to recognize that i'm,
without a lingering doubt,
in love with kiara carrera.
i wish i had realized this sooner.
maybe all of these issues wouldn't have happened had i just forced myself to face the truth.
no matter how shaky it makes me,
how terrified i feel knowing i'm in love,
or how scary the unknown is,
i should have just told her the first night she stayed at my house.
as i stand and think of now,
her arms were like bliss to my yearning skin.
i miss her,
more than anything i've ever grown to miss.
"leave me alone, y/n. we have nothing to talk about,"
kie says as i stand in her doorway,
staring at me with a look of faux defense.
is this as hard for her as it is for me?
"we have a lot to talk about, actually. what did i do, kie? i thought we were fine?"
"then continue thinking that, i don't know."
"kie,"
i whisper,
stepping forward to be a little closer in her presence.
her gaze is cold to my being,
when it once was full of nothing but radiance.
this breaks my heart a little.
"talk to me."
"you're horrible to me, y/n!"
she finally exclaims with a voice that cracks in anger or sorrow,
i can't tell.
"for years, i've been so madly in love with you! i've-i've tried so hard to tell you and you just...don't care!"
the words came as a shock.
my mouth was hanging slightly open as they registered.
"kie, i-i didn't know,"
i defended,
speaking on both my feelings and hers.
"how could you have not known, y/n? i waited by your side, waited for you to see, and all you did was date around, kiss other dudes, and leave me out to dry. all i wanted was for you to be in love with me, too. but you weren't. and-and that's fine, but you don't have the right to get mad at me the first time you see me with someone else! especially when you kissed someone in a closet that same night!"
"no, nothing happened in that closet. i.."
i was thinking of you the entire time.
i am in love with you.
i want you.
but my words fall short and i can't get my frozen tongue to work.
i'm stunned by her confession and begging for her to realize that i'm, too, enamored by her.
"i never want to be around you again."
"w-wait-"
my words are cut short by the slamming of her front door.
the sounds of it echo inside of me,
building until it hammers against my heart.
it's fragmented.
i've lost the one love i was grateful to ever experience.
i hate myself for it.
i wish i could go back in time,
recognize all the signs,
and love her right this time.
but i'm stuck in this reality;
the dreary life where kie has slipped from my grasp.

two hours later,
there's that knock on my door.
i've willed it through my mind,
begged for kie to appear.
and finally,
she's here.
when i open the door,
i waste no time in saying,
"i'm sorry. i was so blind and stupid because i was scared. i've loved you since the day we met, kie. and i didn't know how to go about that. but ignoring it was  so idiotic. i love you, i do. i'm in love with you. please just give me one more chance to prove that to you."
it's then she pulls me in,
and our kiss begins.
it's euphoric;
i can't believe i've been granted one more chance at love.
it's sightly and rare,
but we're here together,
and in love.
it makes everything we've been through worth it,
because this moment is so enrapturing that we're shivering in delight.
kie kisses the center of my forehead,
my nose,
then presses another kiss to my lips.
"i'm sorry. i should have talked to you instead of yelled and ignored you. i hated every moment of it. it was torture."
"good. remember that next time you want to ignore me,"
i tease while running my hands down the lengths of her neck.
my fingers stop at the nape of her neck,
collecting there to bring her close to me.
life hasn't been kind to either of us,
especially in the area of love.
but we've stood the trials time,
waited so long that it ached,
and finally,
we are victorious.
***
"look."
kie looks into my hand where i've cupped the first few flakes of fallen snow.
she smiles almost childishly at this then glances back up at the night sky.
it's been over a year since kie and i divulged our love to one another and everyday since has been thrilling.
we graduated high school and did what we swore we would:
we traveled.
we are now sitting in the midwest on a pit stop,
watching the snow fall and the sky shine with stars.
the flakes of now gather in kie's hair and eyelashes,
enhancing her already breathtaking beauty.
"i love you,"
i say in a daze,
using my thumb to wipe away the melting snowflake on her cheek.
she hold my hand there then kisses my wrist softly.
"i love you."
i'm excited for our journey,
but even more excited to spent the entirety of my days with kie.
we once feared together that we had no specific destination in life.
and while that much was still true,
we accepted it and decided to drive all over the world,
no destinations in mind.
we had each other and our warming love to keep us steady,
and that was all we needed.
kie leans over and plants a meaningful kiss to my lips before asking,
"what are you thinking about? your eyes are all crinkled up."
she used her finger to smooth out the lines around my eyes.
i smile at this observation she's made.
"what do you think?"
"are you thinking about me?"
she asks with a laugh leaving her lips.
i nod in reply.
"how'd you know?"
"because i think of you all the time,