After the party and dropping Alyssa off at her house, my mind was reeling on my way home.

I'm so stupid! Why did I have sex with her? I didn't want that. I fucking want Grayson! I want Grayson so fucking badly it hurts. I didn't a hundred percent understand how strong my feelings for him were until last night. It should've been with Grayson. "Fuck!" I yelled.

I'm so angry! I'm angry that I let Alyssa get to me! Angry I didn't do more to stop it! Angry I had sex for the first time and it was with someone I didn't love! Losing my virginity should've been my thing! Instead, Alyssa made it her thing, and I'm never going to have that moment back! 

But most of all, I'm angry at myself for pushing Grayson away!

My anger morphs to shame, and the feeling of it is a drooping sludge dripping down my chest. Feeling so unbelievably ashamed of myself comes with unwanted tears. My vision blurs. This isn't good considering it's already raining outside. The more I drive, the harder the rain falls, the harder my tears fall. By the time I pull up into my driveway, I don't get out. Not cause it was pouring rain, cause I don't want to be home.

Fuck it. I want Grayson. And if he still wants me even after all the shit I put him through, then I don't give a damn about anyone else. I want to be happy and stop feeling so goddamn anxious all the time.

I wipe my eyes and reverse out of my driveway. And drive to the only place I want to be, Grayson's.

Pulling into his driveway, I get out, not caring about the rain drenching me and my clothes. I sprint to Grayson's front door and bang on it three times.

It takes a minute before Grayson opens the door, looking at me bewildered. "Reid?" He looks behind me as if just now realizing it's pouring rain outside. "Jesus, Reid you're soaking wet," Grayson scolds me then reaches for what looks like a sweatshirt on the hooks behind him, pulls me into his house, and drapes the un-zipped hoodie around me to stop my shivering. "You do realize it's pouring rain outside, ri- are you crying?" Grayson asks looking worried as he shuts his front door.

"I'm sorry," I sob and can't stop the word spill, "I-It was a mistake and I hated every second of it, but she kept pestering me and made me feel degraded saying every guy my age wants to, but I didn't! At least not with her, and-"

"Woah, Woah, Reid slow down. What are you talking about?"

I hesitated, feeling horribly guilty, "I had sex with her."

"Oh," Grayson murmurs, his expression unreadable but he takes a step back from me. Pain and guilt radiates through my heart stronger than before. 

"I'm sorry," I tell him again as I move closer to him.

Grayson shrugs it off and turns around to walk into the kitchen. I follow him. "Why are you sorry? She's your girlfriend."

"Because... because I- We-"

"We? There is no 'we', per your instructions," he says harshly.

My head falls in my hands. I know Grayson's right. Us two not being together is my fault and I have no right being over here. "I know. I'm just... so confused. I couldn't even..." Am I really about to tell him this? "I couldn't get it up for Alyssa. Cause she wasn't... you." I look up at Grayson to see his eyebrows raised. I blush fiercely and cover my face again. "God, that's so embarrassing, but it's the truth and I don't understand why I'm attracted to you. I haven't even known you for that long!"

It's unbearably silent so I remove my hands to see if Grayson left me. Surprisingly, he didn't, it looks like he's deep in thought. "You're one messed up teenager, you know that?" Grayson says, lightheartedly.

I chuckle at that and wipe my eyes, "I'm sorry."

Grayson sighs then pulls me into his arms. I wrap my arms tightly around him like he's a life jacket. "Stop saying you're sorry," Grayson whispers into my hair. "You were dating her; you had every right to sleep with her."

"I didn't like it," I murmur against his chest.

"Then you should be saying 'I'm sorry' to yourself, not me. Why'd you do it if you didn't like it?"

"She- she kept saying I should want to sleep with her unless I was gay, but I wouldn't want that rumor going around school, so I-"

"Wait," Grayson pulls back but keeps his hands on my shoulders. "She told you she'd tell people you're gay if you didn't have sex with her?"

"Well, no. She just said, 'you don't want that rumor going around school', or something like that," I shrug.

"Reid, that's not okay. That's sexual assault."

"What? She didn't force me and I didn't so no, I just told her we should wait."

He gave me a sympathetic look, "She might not have physically forced you, but verbally. She indirectly blackmailed you. That still counts, Reid. You said she degraded you and made you feel ashamed for not wanting to have sex with her. Rather it was unintentional or not she-"

"Stop. I don't want to think about it ever again," I mutter, looking away from him.

"Jesus, at least you broke up with her."

I face Grason again, "About that..." Grayson gives me the you didn't look. "I just haven't gotten around to it," I say defensively.

"Christ, Reid," he says exasperatedly, walking past me, and up the stairs to his bedroom.

I rush after him and shut his bedroom door behind me. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Gee, maybe tell her to fuck off?" Grayson says harshly, clearly upset with my decision.

"I Just had sex with her last night," Grayson cringes at that. "How shitty of a person would I be if I broke up with her the next day?"

"Who cares? She's a shity person for taking advantage of you! Ugh, you make me so fucking annoyed," Grayson groans as he falls back onto his bed.

"Same to you," I say then lay next to him on the bed. I turn on my side so that I'm facing him, my heart pounding out for my chest. "I've thought a lot about... things and I decided I don't want to... ya' know... hold back my feelings anymore. It's exhausting. I don't want to be with Alyssa... I- I want to be with you."

Grayson sighs, making me nervous. "I want to believe you, Reid, I really do, but I don't want to be with you as an experiment. I don't want us to date until you get inside your head again and start thinking you're sinning by being with me."

"I'm sorry, I know I've freaked out on you more times than not. But you have to understand it from my side. My family is super religious. My dad would go to the Pride Parade just to protest it! You're not an experiment to me. Hell, I couldn't even get hard from my girlfriend trying to have sex with me. Her kissing me actually made me want to throw up. At first, I thought it was because I didn't like kissing Alyssa, but I realized last night that I'd rather be kissing you. It's not like 'Grayson's attractive, I'm curious, let's see where this goes'. It's not like that.

"I've never been with a girl before Alyssa because I've never felt anything for anyone," I continue. "I don't even feel anything for Alyssa, I just went out with her to get you out of my head. Trust me, you're not an experiment. I don't even want to be gay, but I can't ignore the way you make me feel, as cheesy as that sounds. Grayson, I-"

He kisses me, it's brief and he pulls back sooner than I'd like, but it still has me blushing. "Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?" Grayson queries with his beautiful smile that I've missed so much.

"Sorry," I say sheepishly.

"It's okay. I actually don't mind you rambling about how much you wanna be with me. Helps my ego," Grayson winks.

I scoff and go to push him, but he grabs me and a yelp falls from my mouth as he places me on top of him. I chuckle feeling giddy in our position. I love looking at his eyes; I could gaze into those blue eyes for hours, but my eyes happen to fall on his lips instead. "Can we, uh... kiss?" I ask in a whisper, blushing hard.

Grayson chuckles, "You're cute when you blush."

"Shush," I swat at him.

"No, we can't," he answers my question.

I frown, "What? Why?"

He. leans up on his elbows causing me to sit further back. "Because you have to break up with Alyssa first. I would say end it in person, but I hate her now, so I don't give a shit how you end it."

Ignoring his last sentence, I say, "But you kissed me already."

"To get you to stop talking. I don't condone cheating and neither should you," he tells me firmly.

"You make me sound like an asshole. I don't agree with cheating either."

"Great, so break up with her, then I'll kiss you. Also, get your soaking wet ass off my bed."

"You're the one who put me on top of you," I grumble before I roll off of him and grab my phone. "Fine."

Grayson raises his eyebrows and sits up, "What are you doing?"

I stand up from his bed and glance down to face him. With his shades drawn from his window, the mid-day sun gives Grayson the perfect lighting. His already tan skin has an aesthetically pleasing golden glow to it. "You want me to break up with her, I will."

"No, I want you to want to break up with her."

I hold back the urge to roll my eyes. "Obviously I want to break up with her. I'll ask to go over to her house tonight and end it. Then I'll come over and you can kiss me," I say matter-of-factly.

"Oh yeah?" Grayson raises an eyebrow and looks amused, "Is that how it's going to go."

"Yes," I say strongly.

**********