-2 WEEKs LATER-

So it's been two weeks since I had my miscarriage. I haven't fully accepted it or moved on. I don't know how long it's going to take me either. And people swear they got me but I've just been to myself. I know that's not good but every time someone sees me it just looks like they feel sorry for me. Then when I see Dave it's like I see the baby that would've still been inside of me.

I start thinking about the life we would've had with our baby in the future and shit like that. He wants to check on me but then I feel bad cause who's checking on him. He did also lose a baby as well. I feel selfish but I don't know how to control or express my feelings because I feel like it's better to keep it inside to not be a bother to anyone.

The only two good things that happened since my miscarriage is me opening up the shop and me getting my own place. I finished moving everything last night. It's just a 2 bedroom townhouse, nothing fancy. Just something I can call my own since I never had anything for myself. I always stayed with somebody wether it was my mom, my ex, or granny. So it actually does feel good to have something for me. The extra bedroom is for my office as of right now. I may make it a guest bedroom since I have a study that I'm going to move things around to make into my office.

Since I've moved, my mom and granny have been calling me everyday cause they both know how I get with my depression. I literally just sit in a dark room with no sunlight, no tv, no phone.. just me and my thoughts. Sometimes it gets so bad that I don't eat or drink anything but alcohol.

And I think I'm taking this miscarriage so hard is because I wanted a baby. I always wanted kids, I always wanted a husband and a family. That's what I always thought I wanted because that's what I seen on tv. Especially Disney. As kids we watch these movies and shows about men coming and saving the day and then they live happy ever after. But I have yet to get my happy ever after. The time I thought I was ready and I actually was pregnant I got an abortion because Khalil didn't want kids. He threatened me and said he would kill me and the baby if I ever got pregnant. He said he didn't think I would be a good mom because I didn't even love myself so I couldn't properly love him or the baby. So I lied to him and went behind his back and got an abortion. That's also something I regret. I mean I wouldn't want a baby by him but I killed an innocent baby who probably could have helped me get the strength to leave that situation sooner because I wasn't just putting myself in danger. But I was weak and afraid and I did it. I promised myself the next time I got pregnant I was gonna celebrate my pregnancy and my baby since babies are a blessing but I never even got the chance to hear my baby's heartbeat.

I'm laying on my bed scrolling through Instagram seeing everybody post. As I'm scrolling people either getting cheated on, pregnant, or getting engaged. My attention goes to the tv and it's the commercial for pampers.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

I just started crying my eyes out. I don't even know why.
" fuck fuck fuck I hate my fucking self bro "
Like out of all the things that could have distracted me away from my phone it was gonna be a fucking commercial about fucking babies.

I let the tears fall as I continued watching the commercial. I feel like my days are just getting harder and harder. I thought I would be getting a little better but no.

I don't talk to anyone for real. I keep conversations short if at all. Everyone is worried about me and I'm not gonna lie ... they should be. I feel like a part of me is gone. When the doctor told me what happened that day I felt like I lost myself and I don't know how to get out of this depression.

I grabbed my cup that already had alcohol in it and chugged that shit down like it was nothing.

I got up and made my way downstairs to my kitchen. I opened the fridge and opened my bottle of Hennessy and drunk that until it was gone.

I've been drinking HEAVY. Like the hard stuff but I've got accustomed to it so it's like drinking water to me. I need the good shit. I don't want to feel my pain anymore. I'm ready for it to end. All of it.