Resolution (Part 4)

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Don't read this unless you asked for it cause I don't know if it will make you cry or not. But anyways this is the conclusion to the previous two chapters.

If you want names of who asked for this and want to blame them then I have them. You can start with my sister JoymomentsSISTER if you want to. Again I'm sorry if this makes you cry but remember no one is making you read it. I'm just tantalizing you by posting it. 😁

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The murmur of Carter's own name drew her from sleep. As she peered into the darkness of the bedroom, she heard her name again, wrapped around with fear, sorrow, and panic. Vision clearing, Carter could make out Donovan's taut form beside her. Every muscle tensed as he gripped the bedsheet. Sweat beaded on his forehead, brows pinched together.

"Carter," he said, fingers digging into the mattress. "Don't...Stay."

Carter ran her hand up Donovan's arm. "Donovan, wake up."

She shook his shoulder, but he remained locked in his nightmare. She said his name louder, trying to break him out. When she said his name for the third time, he woke with a shudder, wildly looking around, trying to remember where he was. Carter held his face.

"Hey, I'm right here. It was only a dream. I'm right here."

Donovan let out a breath and nodded, eyes trained on her.

"I know," he said. "Only a dream."

When his eyes slid away from hers, it felt like someone trying to rip her heart from her chest. Shame hid in the action. Shame of still having dreams while she lay beside him. Still dealing with the same fear even after two weeks of constantly being around her.

Carter wanted to pull away, detach herself from this pain she put him in. As she moved to return to her side of the bed, Donovan caught her arm. She didn't ask what he needed, knowing.

She curled herself against him, his arms encasing her, holding her close. Needing the reminder her of presence as he tried to find sleep again. With his face buried in her hair, he drifted off.

But Carter couldn't find sleep. Even as close as she lay to Donovan, she couldn't help but feel the gap between them. One that seemed to shrink and grow each day.

When Carter knew Donovan was asleep, she slipped from his hold and out of the bedroom. She peeked into Kennedy's room, taking a minute to watch her daughter sleep before easing the door shut. In the living room, she curled up onto the edge of the couch and stared out on the city.

With the darkness all around her, she let her emotions escape. Happiness, patience, reassurance. Everything she showed the world melted away, replaced by an ache that cut into her. She blinked and tears spilled over.

In faking her death, she'd done what she thought right, to protect her family. Everyone she loved. There had been no other way out, but still, the burden of her choice and all the pain it caused weighed on her. Crushing her in moments when Donovan would say something that felt like his old self, the self that no longer lived or when Kennedy hugged Carter a second longer.

The blame laid on her. Everything she faced with trying to rebuild their family was her fault. Carter covered her face with her hands, quietly crying. Even now her regret and grief for what she lost couldn't be seen by anyone else. Not when she was the reason for it.

The patter of footsteps made her pause. The footsteps weren't frantic but they were hurried and Carter could detect the fear in them. Wiping her eyes, she looked up as Donovan came into the room, searching.

"I'm right here," she said, drawing his attention.

He nodded like he hadn't been on the verge of a panic attack. Carter balled her fists, fighting to keep new tears from showing.

"I couldn't sleep and didn't want to bother you," she said, working to keep her voice clear.

"I woke up..."

Carter knew the end to the sentence, he woke up and she was gone. She shouldn't have left, but if she'd stayed in that bed he'd woken up to her crying. She couldn't let him see that.

Thanking the night and the darkness for concealing her face, Carter rose and took Donovan's hand.

"I'm sleepy now. Let's head back to bed."

But as she took a step, Donovan stopped her. Gently, he cupped her face, his thumb tracing over the dampness on her cheek. Unable to control them, new tears appeared. The touch felt undeserved. His notice of her tears felt like a miracle since most days he saw her but not in the way he used to. Not in the way that said he knew her thoughts. Not in the way he'd looked at her before everything.

"You have to be real with me," he said.

Carter choked out a sob, putting one hand over her mouth, wishing she could suck the sound back in. What right did she have to mourn? What right did she have to anything when she hadn't gone through watching someone she loved die and come back?

"Carter," Donovan said.

For the first time, her name didn't sound like he was discovering it all over again. It sounded like he knew her inside and outside and needed her to know that. It broke Carter in a way she didn't know she could be broken. She laid her head on his chest, tucking herself into him.

"I've gone over it a million times and I still can't find a way around it," she said, voice thick. "Each way meant one of you were in danger. Even with choosing the path I did, there was a risk. I feared so much that I would lose you that I did what I thought I had to but it seems I still lost you."

Donovan's words played in a loop in her head, 'you died. You left. I died.' She'd killed the man she loved while trying to save him.

Donovan put his arms around her, holding her tightly. She wanted him to say something, tell her that he would be okay, that they would find some way to return to the people they were, to return to the couple they were.

He said nothing.

*********

The fountain behind the front desk filled the waiting room with a musical sound. Everything from the tan couches and chairs to the watercolor meadow prints hanging on the soft green painted walls said this was a peaceful place. Carter didn't feel it.

Donovan might have, but she found it difficult to tell. His thoughts which had once been clear as day to her were hidden. At times when she imagined she could see them they were tangled, distorted, chaotic. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to unravel them again.

The office door opened and a woman in her late sixties with a quiet countenance stepped out. Both Carter and Donovan stood as Dr. Hendricks smiled in welcome.

"It's good to see you again, Donovan," she said. "Why don't you come in?"

As Dr. Hendricks retreated into the office, Carter squeezed Donovan's hand.

"Do you want me to come with you this time?" she asked as she'd asked every other time before.

Donovan didn't meet her eyes when he answered no. Trying not to let the repeated refusal hurt, Carter let go of his hand. When he closed the door behind him, Carter left the office. She wouldn't find peace there.

Walking into the warm spring air, Carter took in a breath and closed her eyes. The sun warmed her face and the whisper of the breeze brushed her skin but somehow she still felt cold. She crossed her arms, pinning them to her stomach.

"You have time for an old man?"

Carter wanted to cry but smiled at her father instead. Steve returned the look, wrinkles bunching around his caring blue eyes.

"There's a coffee shop just down the block," Carter said.

Her father wrapped his arm around her shoulders, leading her off.

"What made you come down?" she asked.

"It's been two weeks," he said. "I know we've talked on the phone but I needed to see you. How's Kennedy doing?"

Carter let out a breath. "Better than I imagined. She's with Harrison now. Maddy and Link have been watching her while I take Donovan to...therapy."

Steve guided Carter into the coffee shop and they found a table near the window.

"How is my son-in-law?" he asked.

Carter watched the passing crowd outside, fingers knotted together. "Somedays he seems to be coming back. Others he's someone..." She stared at the ground. "Someone I don't exactly know."

"I don't have to tell you this but your death hit him the hardest."

"I know."

"No, Carter, I don't think you do."

Carter's heart sank at seeing the sorrow in her father's eyes. Sorrow she caused.

"At the funeral, he couldn't talk. When everyone left...I tried to lead him away but he screamed at him to bring you back."

Carter swallowed but her throat wouldn't work. She hadn't be able to get anywhere near the funeral. She'd been trapped in the safe house imagining it all but that she couldn't have imagined.

"It wasn't the plea of a man who lost his wife," her father said. "It was the plea of a man who lost everything."

"It's my fault." Carter covered her mouth, she couldn't cry here.

Her father took her hand, gripping it. "Yes, because you were protecting him. Protecting everyone."

"I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm at fault for some part Donovan that's died."

Unable to look at his eyes, Carter stared at her father's hand.

"Have you thought of talking to someone?" her father asked.

Carter let out a breathy laugh. "I knew I wasn't dead. I don't need to come to terms with being alive again."

"No, but like you said some part of your husband died, you might want to think about talking to someone who can help with that."

Carter squeezed her father's hand. "I'm talking to you."

Her father smiled and Carter realized how much she'd missed seeing it while she was gone.

"Yes, but there's someone who knows Donovan and has insights that I don't have."

The answer clicked in Carter's head. "Thanks for the suggestion."

All too quickly the time when Donovan's session finished arrived. With a kiss on the head, Steve left saying he was off to visit his granddaughter. As Carter walked back into the therapist's waiting room, the door to Dr. Hendricks's office opened and Donovan stepped out.

For a breath, she waited to see if he'd look at her with the same light of challenge, love, and warmth he used to. He looked at her, but it wasn't the same. Still, when she reached for his hand, he took it.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Dr. Hendricks said.

"Thank you," Donovan said.

They didn't talk as they moved towards the exit. Carter never asked what he talked about with Dr. Hendricks and Donovan never told her. One more way the gap between them grew. When they pushed through the front doors and onto the sidewalk, Carter stopped.

Waiting there were Brock, Clint, and James.

Beside her, Donovan stiffened. He hadn't wanted to see his brothers. One more thing weighing on Carter, a bond broken by her choice. No one spoke, silently regarding each other. Finally, Donovan approached his brothers, his face closed off.

"Who did she tell first?" Donovan asked, eyeing each one in turn.

"Me," Brock said.

Donovan punched Brock so fast, Carter didn't have time to blink. Pressing his hand to his jaw, Brock straightened. He grabbed Donovan and hugged him. Donovan broke down against his brother, clutching his shirt. As Clint and James joined in, smothering their little brother with love, Carter stepped back.

It hurt to see how just like that they could find their bond again.

Carter stood frozen on the outside of their reunion. It wasn't her place to join in when she'd torn them apart. Clint looked at her.

"We'll bring him back to you," he said.

Nodding, Carter left, wishing those words meant something more than just making sure Donovan got home. Carter climbed into her car, started it, but sat there, hands on the wheel. She didn't know where to go. After a second, she pulled out her phone.

"Hello, Carter."

Carter tightened her hands on the wheel. "Hi, Eleanor."

"How is my son doing?"

The four brothers remained in Carter's sight, James jostling Donovan's shoulder as Clint clasped the back of Donovan's neck. Even after it all, they were unbroken.

"He punched Brock and then hugged him crying," Carter said.

Eleanor gave a soft chuckle. "He's getting his spirit back. That's good." A pause. "How are you doing, sweetie?"

A lie easily came to Carter's lips because in the light of the damage Donovan faced, how could she be anything else but okay?

"Carter, I've raised four boys, I suggest not lying to me, I'm very good at not believing them."

Carter laughed, the sound strangled by a sob. She pressed her fist to her mouth, trying to reign in the mistake.

"Ah, that's more like it," Eleanor said.

Closing her eyes, Carter shook her head as if she could make everything go away with the gesture.

"I thought about him constantly," she said. "There wasn't a moment when Kennedy and him weren't on my mind. It killed me to know what I put them through because I had to. Now that I can finally be back in their lives I have her back but I feel like I lost him. What we had died when I did."

The truth carved a hole in Carter's heart, fear eating away at the edges.

"That's most likely true," Eleanor said. Carter laid her head on the steering wheel, everything in her aching. "But it doesn't mean you can't rebuild something in its place. You are not only his wife but his partner. When you left you broke that bond. To be able to rebuild he's going to have to be able to trust you again."

Carter clung to the words, clutching the to her chest, needing them to strengthen her.

"Do you think he can?" she asked.

"Yes, if you earn it."

Slowly, Carter raised her head, understanding slicing through her mind.

"I will," she said.

*********

The slam of Carter closing the car door filled the empty air. Waning sunlight scattered long shadows across the ground. Hugging herself, Carter walked to where Brock, Clint, and James stood. A shudder ran through her and she tried to ignore it.

"Why here?" she asked them.

"Not sure," James said. "He only asked us to drop him off."

"But to not come with him?" she asked.

All three brothers shook their heads. Carter paused, indecisive but left the trio heading down the winding path. Rows and rows of headstones surrounded her, lives living only in memory. With each step, Carter felt the grief that pervaded the air. The air Donovan had breathed and walked through each day to visit her.

When she finally spotted him, a lone figure silhouetted by the sun, she wanted to sink to her knees with relief. This place, this reminder of the pain he lived over and over again knifed her heart.

He didn't turn around at the sound of her approach, only stood there staring at her headstone. Carter stopped beside him, reading the words he would have read countless times. Below Carter Owens-Keller were the dates of her birth and death, below that read 'Always fighting to protect her left side and the ones she loved'.

"I used to think I was strong," Donovan said. "Growing up with three brothers and surrounded by Marines I knew how to take a hit. Years of working for the FBI I survived more pain then most people understand. Each time I thought it proved I was strong. Then you died..." He didn't look at her. "And I found out how weak I really was. When I should have had the strength to hold it all together for our daughter, I failed. I wasn't strong enough."

Carter wanted to reach for him, hold him, take his guilt away, place it where it belonged, on her shoulders. But she didn't move.

"I can see how I should have been stronger. I don't know what could happen in the future. I don't know where you'll be sent on the next mission. I could be back here again one day...I need to be stronger if that time comes. Not only for Kennedy but myself."

Carter didn't realize she was crying until she felt the tears sliding down her cheeks. She took Donovan's hand and laced her fingers through it. For a breath, he didn't react then he closed his hand around hers.

"I visited the office today," she said.

Instantly, Donovan tensed, eyes pinned on the headstone.

"I told them I was resigning."

A heartbeat.

Then another.

Then Donovan scooped Carter into his arms, face buried in her shoulder, his chest shaking with relief and laughter. Carter feared she'd never hear that sound again and she clutched his laughter to her heart, letting it heal the hole there.

They would find their way back. They wouldn't be who they were. But it was okay because they would be together. They would rebuild.

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Don't hate me I gave you hope! πŸ™ˆ

Okay fine you can hate me, but as long as you also hate the ones who asked for this, cause there were a lot of them.

I hope it didn't make you cry as hard as the last couple chapters. This was meant to show you that there is hope for them, that they will find their way back to each other. Let me know if it helped or didn't, or you don't know because it's been such a rollercoaster of a time. πŸ—―πŸ’­πŸ’¬πŸŒπŸŒ€

I'm not doing to lie to you, when I wrote the first part of this depressing saga I didn't realize the magnitude of what I'd done. I thought it would be an interesting one shot and we could move on. I didn't realize that I tore away the foundation of Carter and Donovan's relationship and would have to see it find a new beginning.

But that's the life of a writer I guess, you think one thing and your characters think another, drive a bulldozer through your plan and laugh all the while. How delightful.

Vote, comment, follow or do none of that and honestly I'll still love you! Crazy how that works out!


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