( This picture has everything to do with this chapter... Young Volcanoes by Fall Out Boy)

TWENTY: when you keep secrets.

"Jesus Christ, Julian," Paul had breathed out as he threw his head back, his hand pressing lightly onto the back of my neck. Throughout the end of our date and the drive back to his place, Paul kept his hands on me. At first, I thought it was just my overactive imagination heightening my senses and making it impossible to see his gestures as innocent.

Now, as I look back, I could see the desperation in his actions and the neediness in his advances, starting with the hand on my thigh and ending with the grip on my ass when he'd pulled me into his lap.

Paul was as desperate as I was to get as many clothes off as possible and I could feel his pulse as I littered kisses up and down the length of his neck, my lips no doubt swollen from the making out we'd done a few minutes prior. His tattooed hand rested on my hip while the other tangled in my hair, his eyes rolled back. I could feel his body underneath mine, his crotch throbbing and plush lip sucked into his mouth as he closed his brown eyes, tightening his grip on my hips.

Paul was perfect and after we'd established how small his car was, we stumbled into his apartment, everyone else gone. The little strength I had was put to the test when he'd stolen kisses as we made it to his room; he barely had a chance to breathe with how little I could control myself as he shut his door, turning around swiftly and pulling my head towards his with a gentle kiss. I could feel his smile and I admired how sweet he could be even when he wasn't trying.

Playing with the hem of his shirt, I slid it off his body, his hands meeting my cheeks and his lips fitting perfectly with mine. And my hands had admired his torso, grazing his hip bones and holding onto his waist hoping he felt as protected as he made me feel. My lips latched onto his collarbones, pressing small kisses up the incline of his neck.

"You're really good at that." He breathed, tilting his head a bit to allow more access and the affirmations made me more comfortable.

So comfortable I found myself grinning, cheesing ear to ear when I pulled away to kiss his lips and then he was laughing.

It was soft and sweet and he wasn't so turned off by my urgency, he just grabbed my hands and placed them gently on his waist, tugging my hair only slightly to gain more control. And he was kissing me so genuinely as if he wanted to. That was the best part about kissing him, that he always seemed so completely and utterly interested.

Paul was perfect. Not in a sense where he had a body sculpted like Adonis but in a sense where he didn't need that six pack; he had slight definition on his abs and his arms, showing that he worked out a little and for some reason, that seemed hotter than being as built as Andy. Paul's hips pressed against mine as he backed us up to the bed and I felt him biting my lips, pinning my hands to the bed in his dominating nature.

"Can I touch you?" He asked. I nodded. "Like this?"

Fingertips pressed across my chest, dancing to the side of my ribcage. He pulls my body into him.

I'm sitting now, His hands pressed into my lower back, mine arched for just a second. Paul's really good at telling me what to do with his body. He's sitting on top bodies rutting against each other.

I could feel all of him, his skin was hot under my hands and he pressed a small kiss into my lips. I felt my stomach tighten, Paul turning me on in more ways than one and the unholy thoughts from before our date were weighing on me.

I'm hard.

He's looking at me with lust, and still more focused than I.

"Wow."

"What?"

Biting my lip, I watched him lingering above me, he was brushing a strand of hair off my forehead and he had this way about him that felt like I'd stepped into a romantic comedy for the ages. Paul was enchanting and charming and so, so hot. "Y-you're really hot, you know that?"

I'd gulped when it escaped my mouth and he was smiling, it slightly stifled. I could tell he was trying to keep the grin at bay and he was pressing his lips on mine again chastely this time.

"You're so beautiful," he'd muttered against my lips, smirking a bit when he ground his hips further into mine. My breath hitched.

I never thought I'd like being called beautiful but from the pounding in my chest and the churning in my stomach, I loved it. Paul chuckled at the groan I let out, his hands rubbing my shoulders as he took in the rest of my body.

"I'm thinking unholy thoughts." He's whispering, sheepishly, eyes browner than usual and so soft.

It's a warning, one we both take into consideration.

"I like this," I found myself whispering as his forehead rested on mine; I'd tried to calm down a bit. And when he threaded his hands through my hair, I saw his pink lips curve into a smile; I couldn't stop the words from spilling past my lips, "I like you so much."

The happiness in his eyes was enough to make me crazy. He pressed his head in the crook of my neck, letting out an adorable laugh, his breath hitting me as a shiver ran up my spine, "I like you too."

"Does this mean another date?" I'd asked, my hands intertwining with his unconsciously as I laid there peacefully. I wanted to tell him that when I was with him, I forgot the world, I forgot all my problems and I loved that he had that affect; I wanted to say that he was just that perfect and I wanted to hold on tight and never let us go back to that confusing makeout-buddy stage. I wanted Paul to be mine and me to be his but I was also afraid. I was so scared that I simply settled for a, "because I'd really like to do this again."

Hell yeah, I really wanted to go out again and I wanted it to happen until I could bravely call him my boyfriend and hold his hand, not caring what others thought. I really wanted him to stick with me throughout everything and I didn't care how selfish that sounded.

Paul seemed to think for a bit, rolling his eyes when mine widened, "Well, I would assume so."

I grinned, pulling him closer to me until I'd heard voices through the closed door and the living room lighting up with people. I could hear muffled conversations as footsteps made their way down the hall and in a second the door was being thrown open.

"Pauly, we're back, how was your-" Rilee had stopped abruptly as shed walked in. I felt guilty when I'd heard her voice but I felt even more fucking guilty when I found my eyes trailing down her body. Even though she'd had a cardigan draped over her arms, her full breasts still showed, a necklace drawing my eyes towards them and fuck. If my mission was to find out if I was attracted to her, it was successful, I felt myself tightening even more in my jeans and quickly averted my gaze because this was wrong.

It was so fucking wrong to get hard over someone else when Paul and I had literally just got back from our first date. It was wrong to think about Rilee in any way but innocent and I wanted to hit myself.

But I hadn't had much experience with girls -any experience really. Thinking about the possibility of being open to other sides of the spectrum would've felt normal before.

Maybe before I came out, maybe before I ruined my own life because of it and then finally, finally started to get over it. I was enjoying exploration, when it came on my own terms. Her kissing me opened up a whole other door and I kinda wanted to bolt it shut and forget it existed.

"I was gonna ask how your date was..." I could hear the smirk in her voice and I briefly wondered how she could be so cool about kissing me, especially right before I was going out with one f her best friends. There was a brief pause and she must've assessed that we were both shirtless because she snorted with a, "it looks like it went fan-fucking-tastic," she laughed, "Carry on."

She's shut the door quickly after that, my spending heart slowing, and I could breathe easily.

I had to tell him. There was no way he didn't already know,'I was acting weird, right? I had to come clean about Rilee and about Andy.

And he wouldn't be mad at me, right? It wasn't like I was his boyfriend.

"You okay?"

Nodding, I tried to avoid the nerves that rose so suddenly.

"Is this okay?" And he was inching closer again, closing that gap that had broadened with interruption. We wouldn't be interrupted again. And he was kissing me.

Just a peck, another peck, a finger brushed gently over my waistband and around to my stomach, dipping in only slightly.

"Yeah."

He smiled, and he was leaning closer, he was brushing past my cheek so gently with his and he was kissing my neck, behind my ear. He was nipping the skin over my throat and pressing his chest to mine and I couldn't fucking breathe.

"Good?"

But I couldn't really answer on account of my heart being my throat. Paul took that as a bad sign.

My hands were sweaty and I melded them together, throat suddenly dry. I wasn't sure why it felt like I'd done something so terrible. It was just a kiss.

"Or not, that's- that's probably way too much, I-I'm sorry."

"Paul..." I trailed off as his fingers traced my sides, studying me, we'd both gone back to just touching each other with light fingertips; Paul seemed to be admiring me and under his gaze I felt even more guilty. He didn't deserve any of this, "I have to tell you something."

He was holding my hand now, backing up, pillow on his lap and ready to listen. He always seemed to interested in what I had to say.

"I-I kissed someone."

I was gonna tell him everything.

He nodded, "I know," he'd muttered with a chuckle. He knew I kissed Andy, how?

"What?" I asked, trying to figure out how he could find that out.

Relax, Jules, he can't know.

"You guys kissed..." Paul shrugged as if it were no big deal, "I know." And he just continued to be close to me, so close he laid on my chest; my heart was beating so fast I was sure he could hear it.

What the fuck? Was it bad I wanted him to be at least a little upset? It kind of hurt that he wasn't jealous at all of the fact that I had another guy's lips on me, "Aren't you..."

"Mad?" He finished for me, hands tracing my collarbones as if he were in a trance, "Why would I be? She ambushed you for a video, you didn't really have a say in the matter. It's not like you're into her."

Her. He didn't know about Andy; he didn't know about that or the fact that I might've been into girls as well. I was keeping so many secrets from him that it made my heart heavy, I just wanted to tell him everything but being selfish, I didn't.

Being selfish, I let him lay on me, basking in his warmth and ignored the lump in my throat.

"Yeah," I agreed, my voice raspy due to the words that I was compressing down and my lying. I was never a really good liar.

God, I'd turned into such a liar recently. Coming out was supposed to help me get rid of all the lies but now I both kissed a friend and kissed his friend.

Maybe my mom was right, maybe I was being a whore. And maybe Paul was only sticking around because he was starting to feel bad.

But even if he was, i just didn't care. Because even if this would eventually blow up in my face -just like Calum, just like my family, him laying on me, with me... it made me forget a little.

"I mean, I was a little mad at first..." He offered, nose scrunching a bit and I could see his hesitance. He shook his head before letting out a small chuckle, "cause you're so fucking cute and she's-she's great and- and I'm..." really fucking cute.

He was gesturing to himself then, shrug in his languid bones and his brown eyes were downcast. It was awkward now but he just looked so fucking cute and he was doubting it and all I could do was kiss him.

So I did, and it was quick and -albeit- a little weird, a little 3rd grade during recess, peck under the slide... all closed mouth and unexpected and he didn't close his eyes until the kiss had ended.

I closed my eyes, breathing in everything Paul and smiled forcefully, "I'm into you..."

And I was.

Opening my eyes when he hadn't said anything, I'd seen Paul still straddling me as I got into a more comfortable position. My back was against his wall, where the headboard should've been and Paul was sitting in my lap, his hands caressing my face and neck as if I was something special. I groaned at that, I wasn't special, I didn't deserve any of this, "Stop staring at me."

"I can't," he grinned and momentarily, I'd forgotten that he was older and is forgotten that he was wiser because with Paul sitting on me, he looked nothing short of adorable, "You're so goddamn cute."

"Stop it." I found myself wining as the heat crept up to my face. I felt so awkward being complimented and with Paul touching me and smiling at me like this, it made it ten times harder not to blush.

"No," he stated with a kiss on my cheek, "your freckles are cute." And then his plush lips landed on my nose, "you have a cute nose." I felt his lips graze mine, my eyes closing at the bliss I was feeling, "your entire face is cute."

And then he kissed my jaw.

I rolled my eyes, "Lemme guess, my chin is cute?"

"No," his lips trailed across my jawline, nipping and biting at certain spots and eventually settling for a spot, sucking on it as he ground his hips into mine, "your jawline is so fucking sexy."

"Paul," I moaned out, bucking my hips into his for more friction when he leaned out of my reach. He was fucking teasing and I both hated and loved it.

"You're so hot, Jules," he whispered out, biting his lip when he'd finally become satisfied with the marks on my skin. Smiling as if nothing had happened, he kissed the indent in my chin before kissing my nose, "Except your butt-chin, that's pretty damn adorable."

"You just completely killed my hard."

Paul laughed, trailing his fingers down my chest and tracing my body, eyes calculating as if he were studying. And when his fingers brushed over my left hipbone, I jerked slightly. Lifting my hips, I let out a moan which turned into an angry huff, Paul sliding off my body.

He chuckled at finding my spot, his lips meeting my heated cheeks before he rolled over onto the bed beside me. "Still soft?" he whispered, kissing my forehead lightly before resting his head on the pillow beside me.

And for the rest of the day, I busied myself with trying to find the place on his body that had him hard in his jeans.

: : :

"Damn, J, you must've had a long ass night," Benji had laughed as we stood in the cafeteria before school. I'd gotten there a little early that day, Paul having to go into work early and dropping me off when he left at seven and after waking up beside him, I was a little sad to see him go. It wasn't until I was fixing my hair in his bathroom mirror had I noticed the marks he'd left on my skin the night before.

There were three dark reddish-purple hickeys clear as day adorning my skin and I'd had no shirt with a high enough neck to cover them.

And really, I didn't want to.

That is until Benji brought it up as I sat with him and Will, making the conversation way more awkward than it needed to be. Will winked at me, "How was he?"

"What?" I asked, my face flushing red at how fucking annoying she was being and how fucking stupidly pale I was. I suddenly wished I had Paul's tan, at least then you'd barely be able to notice my embarrassment.

Will couldn't resist leaning over and poking my cheek, "those huge ass love-marks on your neck tells me you did stuff last night. Was he big?"

Benji's shoved his sister, "Will!" He'd scolded before turning back to me, "so, are you two together?

Sighing, I shoved my head into my hands, "I don't know, Ben."

"You into him?"

I muttered out a 'yeah' with a slight nod because seriously, who wouldn't be into Paul?

"Is he into you?"

If possible I blushed even harder, "I think so..."

"Does Andy know you and Paul..." He'd trailed off earning a smack in the arm from Will. Why would Andy care?

Andy hadn't spoken to me since that time in the locker room and frankly I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or worried. I'd thought back to the time I had before coming out, how I wished I wasn't dealing with it on my own and I suddenly felt bad. I was thinking of myself when one of my best friends needed me, I was sitting here moping about how he kissed me when he was even more confused than I was and that wasn't right.

Still, what did Benji know that I didn't? "Went out? No, why would he need to know?"

Ben looked uncomfortable, biting his lip before his eyes flickered away from me. He knew something, "No reason."

"Benji..."

He seemed to be getting irritated by my persistence if the way his tone was clipped had anything to say about it, "It's nothing, J, just drop it."

And I did.

A/N:

It's been so long, I'm sorry.

Was that too wanky? It might've been but guess what? We're rated mature now.

Sue me.

Anyways, this chapter was kind of really fun to write as I wait for another update on Band Camp from SuperheroesAndSprite (FUCKING MARRY ME LIA)

Updated: Saturday, October 17th