(Julessssss; Fools by Troye Sivan)

This is shorter than me, just saying.

TWENTY-TWO: when you understand conflict resolution.

I'd had that feeling. The bubbling in my stomach sort of resembled how I felt before coming out to my mother only less intense and heart wrenching.

But either way, I knew I was screwed.

It was silent as my dad sat beside me, we hadn't spoken to each other since he's picked me up and although I knew he hadn't intended it, the air was thick.

So think that when he cleared his throat and offered a "Julian." my heart was pounding and I'd jumped in anticipation of what was to come. Maybe he'd be upset, maybe he'd yell.

But the yelling never came, he just sighed. That was when I noticed the bags under his teal eyes and the five-o'clock shadow that graced his normally well groomed face and I felt my throat closing up at the realization that I'd done that to him. Me being ga- whatever it is I was, was clearly taking a toll on him and obviously the rest of our dysfunctional family.

"What happened to you?" he questioned and I knew he didn't need an answer. This was proved right when he continued, "you moved out and we don't talk and now, you're getting into fights. You used to be a straight A student, what happened?" 

I knew he didn't want to hear bullshit but I couldn't sop myself from spewing it, "I came out."

And it ruined everything.

My dad let out another sigh before his eyes flickered to mine before focusing back on the road. I could see the disappointment in his gaze and I sincerely thought he'd just leave it at that but when his hand made its way to his turn signals and the car started drifting towards the right, I was confused.

Confused until he'd pulled over and before I could protest, turned the car off ". We were sitting on the side of the highway, my dad's head in his hands and him slouched all the way back in his seat.

And it was silent, the urge to flick on the radio or create conversation or just leave being shattered by the weight of his heavy breaths. He was exhausted with this little game of avoiding the situation we had going on. I gripped my seat, unable to think of anything other than how much of a disappointment I was and the regret of not taking Paul up on his offer of a ride home. But I needed this.

He needed this, some time to take everything into account, just time to talk because we just hadn't done that yet.

We couldn't keep pretending as if it were okay for me not to want to come back home or even call. I was going to speak, voice my opinion, whatever but he cut me off, "That's not an excuse and you know it."

I gulped, feeling so fucking weak and vulnerable and I honestly just wanted it all to stop. I was confused on my emotions, conflicted on my decisions and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle any of it, "I'm sorry," I'd choked out, my eyes pricking with unshed tears as I thought of my mother and the church and the memory of her ring on the floor came back. It was running through my head on loop, the idea of separated parents and the fact that my father just seemed unhappy nowadays.

It was silent again.

And then, "your mother and I are getting a divorce."

And I cried. My throat had constricted, my eyes closing as I tried to breathe, my mouth littering a series of apologies and my ears unhearing to my dad's assurance that it wasn't my fault. But it was my fault, I couldn't see how it couldn't be when weeks ago, they were fine and they'd had whispers of I love you after every prayer that I'd been obligated to sit through at the dinner table. The way he'd kissed her forehead lovingly before going to work everyday and she'd always tell him to drive safe in which he'd promise that he would and that he loved her, always.

And now, they yelled, they fought, my dad worked to fill the void. I broke up a happy family because I wanted some change in my life... and I might've not even been gay.

That was the part that stuck with me, maybe kissing Rilee was harmless and maybe I was extremely into Paul but if he wasn't there... if things were different and I met her instead of him that day in downtown, I kind of might have been interested in her.

And that was scary, that I could rip my own family apart on shit that I wasn't even sure of and my dad was sitting here trying to catch his breath in the aftermath.

I wasn't really aware of the tears streaming down my father's face or the way he leaned across the center console to grip my hand and hold me as if I were five again. Or even the promises that we'd be okay.

: : :

"So I was thinking for our next date... We could do something you like. You know?"

I was barely paying attention to Paul as I laid back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. After a miserable ride to his complex in which my dad had tried to assure that 'everything will be okay' and 'it's not your fault, J. Not your fault,' I'd rushed my way into Paul's apartment, promising to call later on before I went to bed. Paul had asked about the tear stains on my cheeks but I'd refused to tell, his arms pulling me into a hug and voice understanding as he directed me to his room.

It was definitely my fault, it was all my fault, and it would continue to be my fault even if we all pretended like it wasn't. I ruined my parents.

And there we lay, Paul trying to take my mind off anything and everything with their shared Playstation hooked up to a portable television that he'd rolled out of the living room.

Shrugging, my controller had been abandoned after telling Paul that I'd rather play Grand Theft Auto, a single-player game, so I could think in between turns. "I had fun last time," I admitted, not looking but feeling Paul's warm brown eyes on me as I heard the game come to a pause.

"Yeah but what if we went to an arcade or something?" he tried, hand landing reflexively on my ankle and I was happy for that bit of affection, it becoming a source of comfort as my breathing -which I hadn't noticed was rapid- slowed.

I smiled, imagining his bottom lip pulled into his mouth as he stared curiously at me, my brain too fogged for me to even think of looking at him, "As long as you're there, I'll love it, alright?"

"When did you turn into the mushy boyfriend type?"

And that's when my breath hitched, the smile had slipped off my face, and I sat up straight, my mind replaying that sentence over and over again.

Mushy boyfriend type.

Boyfriend.

"Boyfriend?" I hissed out, unintentionally, masking my anxiety with anger and Paul's eyes went wide, plush lips parting.

"I uh- sorry, it slipped out," he muttered, shaking his head as his eyebrows furrowed. He looked offended, annoyed even and I instantly felt bad for pushing all my emotions onto him and making it seem like I wasn't as into him as I was.

Because I liked Paul, a lot but boyfriend?

"Paul..." I tried, hand coming to slip my fingers in between his but he hadn't made a move.

Nodding at me, I saw the clear annoyance in his features and that had to have been the first time I'd seen that look directed towards me. "I know," he sighed out, pulling his hand away and fixing his glasses. It was the first time he'd willingly worn those instead of his contacts around me and he looked fucking adorable.

"Do you even like me?"

I didn't expect that, didn't really think he would take it that way but why wouldn't he? He looked upset, sitting up and I knew that I had messed up a little more than usual.

Paul was annoyed, brows furrowing and I didn't know what to say because truly, I didn't think he liked me that much. "Cause you act like you do, but if I kiss you a certain way or if I tell you that I'm interested, you pull away."

He was angry now and he had a reason to be. As if to mask it, he tried to busy himself by playing with the controller in his hands. Guilt was sitting on me now, swallowing me whole and I was starting to feel like more of an asshole. "I'm sorry."

I really was. Calum has lead me on, he played with my emotions and acted surprised when I fell for him. Who's to say I wasn't doing the same thing to Paul or it didn't feel that way? We kissed constantly but I rejected every emotional advance and that wasn't fair to him.

But he said he wanted casual, he said he was fine with just kissing me.

"I'm not mad." And it really sounded like he was.

"I'm not, it's just..." he stopped looking at the controller, looking up at me with the most confused and lost look on his face, he looked upset and that hurt, "Why can't we make this official? I like you a hell of a lot and you make it seem like you like me too so why the fuck do I have to wait to call you mine?"

I sighed, I sighed because I knew he'd get sick of my indecisiveness one day but I surely didn't think it would be then,"You know why."

"No, I don't." He stated, exhaling as if he were finally letting it out, "I try to understand, yeah and I try to be optimistic as fuck but when I see you at your practice hugging Andy and Ben said people think you're dating, what the fuck is that about?"

"To get Calum off my back, Andy told him he was my boyfriend. Coach is like Andy's godfather or some shit and if Calum knew we were close, he wouldn't try shit because Coach can get him kicked off football," that only felt like half the story at this point and God, I really wanted to tell Paul about the kiss but when I remembered Andy's request and how broken he looked and the tears streaming down his face, I couldn't. "You don't have to worry about Andy, he's just making sure shit doesn't escalate again."

And he looked like he didn't believe that, the more I said it out loud, I didn't either.

"Are you sure?"

Smiling, I took the controller from his slack hands, sliding my fingers through his and them fitting perfectly against his slender ones. I didn't like anyone else, only Paul, "Positive."

"Okay," he seemingly resigned, biting his lip as he tried to let it all go, "I'm sorry, I just like you a lot and it feels like you're embarrassed of me."

"I'm not embarrassed of you, Paul." I assured, if anything he should've been embarrassed of me.

"You won't even hold my hand in public." And we were back to that.

"I'm working on it, okay? I'm trying to be okay with it but you don't understand how difficult it is." I must've said something wrong, I always said something wrong.

"I didn't know liking me was difficult."

He tried to weakly tug his hand out of mine, getting even more upset than before and I felt so bad, clutching onto him, "Look, I'm sorry..." I really was; I really really was, "Just-just give me some time, alright?"

"You're not rethinking this right?" He was hesitant with his speech, as if he didn't want to hear the answer.

"What?"

"Being like this with...me..." He gestured to our interlocked hands, his other tapping his knee as if he were nervous, "You're positive this is what you want?"

Hell yes. "What're you talking about? Of course I'm sure that I want to date you. It's just gonna take me some time. I don't want to rush into anything."

"It's not because I'm a guy?" He'd asked, eyes looking straight into mine and I'd noticed that Paul didn't hide his emotions. He was real, an open book and that was a breath of fresh air.

"No, Paul-"

He didn't stop, his voice getting a little hoarse as he ignored the confuse look on my face, "I mean, I get it; I'm not the most appealing-"

He was perfect, though. He was amazing and he needed to stop acting as if he weren't,"Paul, babe, listen to me... I like you," he looked down, my hand instinctively coming up to grab onto his chin and force him to look at me. He had to know I was serious, "I like who you are and you're so fucking attractive to me," He tried to get out of my grip half heartedly so I loosened it, bring my lip, "I like you and the fact that you have a dick, alright?"

He tried to keep the smile off his face but with the twitching corners of his lips, I could tell he was trying to keep his emotions in his own control, "I'm sorry," stop apologizing, "it's just that my uh, my ex..."

"Nic, right?" I asked, trying to figure out what exactly he was getting at.

"Yeah, he um, he cheated on me with a girl after telling me he was gay and I just- it scares me." He gulped, "You're young and you're finding out what you like, what if... What if you realize that you're bisexual or even straight? And-and-"

That was when I kissed him.

It was a simple peck, his soft lips meeting mine and the warmth I always felt when Paul was around overcoming me. His hands carded through my hair and I closed my eyes, reveling in the feeling of him being this close to me. I loved it, I absolutely loved it when he kissed me. It was short and simple but it was just amazing and I didn't need anything more.

And when I pulled away, Paul's bottom lip was pulled into his mouth and his cheeks were flushed. I felt him tug on my hair, eyes lighting up in that way that had me weak. And just like that, all the anxiety and pressure I was feeling was released as Paul's warmth spread through me.

"Definitely not straight," he muttered, smiling at the blush on my cheeks. I couldn't tell him yet that I might've been bisexual, he was too insecure at the moment and I just couldn't add onto that so with a shaky smile, I squeezed his hand tighter.

"I like you."

And I'd seen Paul blush, hand trailing to my cheek as the other one stayed tangled in my hair. It felt so perfect, like it was my first kiss and I could tell I was falling for this curly haired angel. "I like you too."

"And you're amazing," I couldn't stop the mushy things coming out my mouth and the boyfriend thing ran through my mind again. Suddenly it didn't seem so bad.

His blush got deeper,"Jules..."

"You're smart and creative and way out of my league and damn it, I like you so much."

"I thought I was good with words," he'd teased, corners of his eyes crinkling and I found myself wanting to poke his dimples. I'd grinned back at him. Maybe it was the fact that my family was slowly falling apart and my friendship with Andy was going down the drain and I just felt so alone that day but Paul seemed like the best thing in my life at the moment.

"Yeah, I try."

A/N:

insecure Paul is my favorite Paul tbh.

You know what pisses me off?
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CALL SOMEONE A "DYKE" OR A "FAG" AROUND ME, THAT'S FUCKING RUDE

what the hell, bro? don't do it. just don't.

Updated: Sunday, November 29