(crybaby by Melanie Martinez)

TWENTY-FOUR: when you have your first panic attack.

It was silent.

It was so fucking silent in that room as Calum walked in to take a seat two rows behind us and by the window in the far left. Technically, he was a respectable distance away from me but still, my brain was on overdrive. My heart was beating too fast for my breathing and I was so paranoid, it felt as if he were breathing down my neck, everything came crashing back and I prayed to whatever force that had been neglecting me for weeks to come through this one time.

Maybe make it less quiet and if it were possible, strike me down with lightning.

However, the sound happened but the lightning didn't as Benji spoke up, turning around to look straight at Calum with distaste, his hand was getting tighter on my arm, other one clenching. "What're you in for? People finally realized how much of a pussy you are?"

"Ben!" I yelled, expecting Mrs. Radcliffe to speak up but when I risked a glance at her, her eyebrows were furrowed, eyes wide although she hadn't intervened.he was starting something whereas, I just wanted it to end.

"No. He's a fucking wuss," Benji declined, shaking my hand off of him when I'd attempted to pull him to look at me. I didn't want anymore drama, I couldn't handle anymore drama and I was completely done with everything that had been happening. I just wanted it all to stop, wanted a alum to not hate me... But Benji didn't get the message, locking eyes with Calum as he gritted out his words, spitting straight acid, "you're a pathetic piece of shit, fucking around with a sophomore and jumping your best friend because he's different."

"Benji, stop."

It didn't seem like anyone heard me, Calum just talking over me and provoking him further. Rolling his clear blue eyes, the same ones I used to find comfort in, he crossed his arms, leaning back and looking out the window. He seemed annoyed, his voice bordering on angry, "You don't know me."

Benji scoffed, laughing humorlessly, "Yo, you almost killed him, the fuck else I need to know?"

"You're an asshole, man." Was all Calum could supply and I could hear that weak argument, it was something he supplied when he didn't have anything to say... I'd heard it for years before at times when he wasn't as angry as he was upset. I thought back to Jonathan O'Riley's party a few months ago... When Calum was confronted by his ex-fuck and called out for 'humping and dumping' and he had no argument. He had the same look in his eyes and harshness in his voice.

It was in his voice, if you listened hard enough, you could tell it was strained. I watched his lips quiver slightly, barely noticeable, as he choked a little under pressure. I'd been so into him that I'd all but memorized his voice and his tendencies, like that tendency to wrinkle his nose when he was a bit intimidated. I'd been so into him that it physically hurt to see him, my brain was shutting down and the coldness in his blue eyes was all I could remember.

Paul, think about Paul.

But the curly-haired angel wouldn't come to mind as my head started pounding, I didn't want to cry, I was crying too much it was getting ridiculous. I was way too emotional and I hated it. I was just staring by then, the words not registering and I missed a lot of back and forth between them. My head was pounding so loud, I couldn't hear anything and I was wondering when the teacher would step in.

I wasn't fully snapped out of it until Ben had stood, fists balled at his sides. "Let's fucking go then," he yelled, nostrils flaring and I was stuck. When did this escalate?

"Ben, go step outside." Mrs. Radcliffe had stepped in when my friend got closer to Calum, pushing a desk out of his way and ignoring the confused look on my face. He was in Calum's face, hands planted on his desk and one wrong move, I could tell Benji would hit him.

But he was adamant, "We can both go step outside. You don't hurt my people and get away with it. No, nigga, I don't play that shit-"

"Ben... go." Was all I could croak out, the anxiety building back up in my spine and my heart pounding too fast to ever be considered healthy.

Benji looked at me confused but when his eyes met mine, he'd stopped., sympathy entering his gaze. Sending a fleeting glance to me, he turned back to Calum. "You're lucky he's here," he spat, pushing himself up off the desk and lacing the room without another word.

And when Mrs. Radcliffe was in the hallway talking to Benji, Calum and I were left alone.

Don't say anything; don't say anything.

But Calum as Calum and he always had to say something when he didn't understand. Deep down, I knew he wouldn't let that slip by and I found myself closing my eyes, trying to keep my restraint. I wanted to crumble in front of him, I wanted to die but I couldn't let him see how broken I was. "I almost killed you?" his voice had questioned, softness pooling over me and I felt bad for missing him and how caring he'd sounded.

I nodded.

"Julian-"

I couldn't take it when he said my name. The way it rolled off his tongue so effortlessly triggered emotions I didn't know I had inside me and I just kept thinking back to that day. That day at Jonathan O'Riley's party in the basement... I didn't want to think about it. Shaking my head, I was trying to put up a brave front, annoyed when my voice betrayed me, "leave me alone."

He didn't take me seriously, "J... man,  you-"

"Leave me the fuck alone, Calum." I was angry, I was sad, I was depressed, everything rushed past me at once and I couldn't take it. My hands clutched the desk, knuckles going white as I attempted to hold onto my sanity.

"I didn't have a choice, you know that." That was what made me laugh.

"You had a choice." He wasn't that drunk that night, he wasn't stupid either... Flashback of blond hair and unrequited feelings as well as the itch of his skin on mine drowned me. "You could've not gave me hope, you could've not slept with Jade, you could have not made a scene, you could've not jumped me, you always had a choice."

I was sure that would stop him but it didn't. It didn't stop him when I almost spoke aloud of what we promised we wouldn't speak of again, "I-"

"I hate you." I lied, my voice unwavering for the first time in our conversation.

"What?" I found myself struggling to breathe, my chest constricting but I forced myself to slow down, counting to ten so I didn't stop breathing altogether. Maybe life would've been simpler if I had.

"I hate you. I hate that I loved you and I hate that I thought you cared about me. I hate you." My eyes were dry, my throat was dry, my heart was thumping mockingly in my ears and I refused to turn around only to see the hurt in his eyes.

It was silent.

: : :

It'd been an hour later, an hour of sitting in complete silence with Benji, Calum, and the teacher who seemed to know more than she should've. An hour later, I was still inside. I waited for Calum to leave, waited for Benji too and after they'd both left, I'd decided to make my way to Paul's car.

I was tired, done with life and ready to just lay down and ignore my problems so when I'd opened the passenger door, I expected to just be able to slide in and go to sleep. However once the door was shut and I was strapped in, I basically felt the excitement radiating off of Paul.

He smiled that blinding smile at me, leaning over and pressing a quick kiss to my lips. "Hey, babe."

The babe made my heart pound but my eyelids were heavy and no matter how bad I tried to focus on the most beautiful person in my life, I couldn't. I smiled back -slightly forced- and tried to keep myself awake, pursing my lips too late and he was already starting the car. "H-hey."

He must not have noticed my exhaustion as he pulled out of the parking lot. His perfect lips were sucked into his mouth as he focused on driving, arms flexing slightly. And then he started talking, "So, I was thinking that you could be in our next video..." he trailed off as he looked over at me slightly. Paul must've noticed the fatigue on my face, blinking slightly with a frown as he turned back to the road, "What's wrong?"

I didn't like that little frown so I kept my mouth shut, "Nothing."

He didn't buy it, "What happened?" He insisted, looking over at me for a second before he had to return his eyes to the road.

"Nothing happened, Paul, just leave me alone." I lied, slightly hostile and instantly I felt bad at the way he looked taken back. I never meant to snap at Paul and was a second away from apologizing when he pulled over.

"No," he insisted once we were on the side of the highway, his keys turned back and the car was off. I thought back to the last time I was in a car and pulled over, I was tired the same and I was being an ass. I was slightly more awake but with consciousness came irritation as Paul turned to look at me. "Tell me what happened."

I shook my head, shutting my eyes. I didn't want to tell Paul, I didn't want to get into it and I didn't want him to worry. I felt his calloused fingers on my chin, pushing my head to look at him and my eyes snapped open.

His soft brown lens-free eyes were stern, staring into mine and I instantly felt small. I'd never admit it out loud but I was intimidated by Paul in that moment, "Tell me, Julian."

All at once, I couldn't stop the truth from spilling through my lips, "He was there."

That feeling of not being able to breathe hit me again, my body panicking in a way I'd never experienced before. I could heart my heartbeat in my ears, sporadic and my chest felt tight. I was gasping by then, unable to slow my heartbeat and I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks but that was all.

I couldn't hear anything except Paul p's voice but it sounded as if we were going through a tunnel. I couldn't distinguish what he was saying and I couldn't see anything besides Calum when I closed my eyes. I couldn't see anything but the flash of skin on skin and I smelt alcohol in the air. It was getting harder and harder to suppress my thoughts.

And then I felt a pair of soft lips on my own. "It's okay, calm down. I've got you..." his hands were on my arms when I resurfaced from my own mind, his eyes steady on mine as he attempted to bring me back to Earth. I blinked and Paul bit his lip, "Relax, Jules."

Was trying to stay calm, trying to stop my heart from racing and my lips from trembling as Paul continued to rub my arms. His right hand had shifted to my neck, rubbing through my hair and down the back of my neck, "Are you okay?"

No. "Yeah, I'm good."

"Now, tell me what happened." I really didn't want to but his comforting smile and his hand massaging the back of my neck was too relaxing and my eyes had almost shut, my tiredness washing over me in waves.

I just wanted to sleep for maybe three years.

"Calum was there and-and yeah..." I stuttered out, reaching for his hand on my arm so I could intertwine it with mine, "I just couldn't handle it, can we go back to your place?" I rushed out, my brain on overdrive and I honestly just wanted to rest my head on his chest. I needed his arms around me so when he smiled small and nodded, I couldn't help mirroring his facial expression.

"Of course, baby."

Baby.

I ignored the flutters in my stomach, "Thank you."

A/N:
so i actually think mushy Paul is my favorite.

Updated: Friday, Dec 25th (merry christmas)