[Me and my Broken Heart by Rixton]

TEN:: when you're too gay to function.

"First off, you look really cute, let's just get that out of the way," Paul had muttered after he'd dragged me to the restroom. He'd sat himself on the sink, me coming to stand beside him, feeling quite self-conscious considering how good he looked. He fixed his galaxy print socks that showed from underneath his Roshes, tilting his head to the side and his full bottom lip was pulled out a bit.

And looking down, I willed the hotness in my cheeks to simmer down before he noticed it. My ears were burning and turning to look at myself in the mirror a little, my freckles blending in slightly, "I don't know whether to feel flattered or objectified."

Paul motioned me over, lips pulled into a comforting smile as I went to stand in between his legs, "It was a compliment," his fingers came to my chin, pushing it upwards, "All I can think right now is Jules, you're so fucking hot."

And my face was no doubt crimson, as my eyes met his beautiful ones. My pants were getting a little tighter and I willed myself not to get turned on from his slightly aggressive tone and his fingers, slightly calloused, brushing against my skin.

And seeing my discomfort, Paul changed the subject, dropping his hand and backing up, adjusting himself back onto the sink and hiding a smug smirk.

His arms flexed with the effort of pushing himself up, his muscles became even more visible which didn't at all match his artsy persona but was a surprise I wasn't complaining about. I licked my lips, eyes focusing on Paul and only Paul as he tried to make conversation as if he hadn't just caused a million feelings to stir, "They're nice. They remind me of us, ya know? Caspar is a lot like Brandon..."

I was trying desperately not to come off cheap but sitting in the empty men's bathroom with a hot guy who you may or may not have feelings for makes it kinda hard. My eyes were focused on his prominent collarbones that poked from underneath the t-shirt he was wearing when he scratched an area above them. I muttered out a "Nah, he's just kind of in a mood," as Paul pulled at his collar, successfully loosening the already loose material.

And that was when he changed the subject again, the thing he wanted to talk about weighing down on his shoulders; Paul was an open book, you could always tell when he was beating around the bush, "Can we uh talk?"

And reluctantly, I nodded. I knew where he was going with the conversation and even though I didn't want to go there, I knew it was bugging him too much.

Clearing his throat, his eyes looked from my eyes to the sink, "I want to know where we stand... You've been ignoring me," the slight sadness in his voice was bringing along guilt and I was regretting not calling or texting. I was even ignoring Pete at school, so hell bent on running away from my feelings.

Because that's just it, they weren't feelings. I couldn't feel anything for Paul, we'd just met and I loved Calum, that didn't just change in two weeks.

I watched as his smile faltered before it was just forced and fake, his body tensing. My expression was a mixture of guilt and self-pity and for some reason, I couldn't help but feel pathetic, "Paul, we barely know each other and we made out, I don't know how to feel."

"Plus, you're the one that said that you didn't wanna see me again." And he didn't say that, necessarily but did he just forget the whole conversation we'd had?

"I didn't say that." He dismissed. "You're really cute and-and you're nice. Plus, we're not seeing each other, right?"

"Yeah."

"I liked it." That wasn't as clear so he made it clear. He was being blunt, like he said he liked and my heart was beating a bit too fast. "I like talking to you." God. "Do you like talking to me?"

"Yeah."

He nodded, fingers curling around the edge of the sink nervously. His words held a small smile. "Do you like kissing me?"

I don't fucking know. Yes.

But I knew what I was feeling. I couldn't think around him, my stomach clenched when he touched me, and my lips tingled after he kissed me. Paul was a drug and I knew that once I started, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Do you want it to happen again?" He pressed, slowly inching towards me. My gaze was on his lips as he bit the bottom one, it caving in as his tongue darted out, swiping across. I was working on my control, fighting against myself on whether or not to push him against the stall and kiss him until his lips were swollen.

Yes. "I don't know."

Paul just gave me a small smile, biting the side of his lip in that quirky way of his. And he tilted his head innocently before closing in on me slowly, hopping down from the counter, "I do."

I'd had to look up a little in order to see his face, his jaw set and tattooed hands resting on the counter behind him, "I've got a lot of shit I'm dealing with right now."

Paul's smile was slowly dropping, rejection setting clear in his eyes as he realized how much I didn't want him coming onto me. Backing up a little, he rubbed a hand down his arm, "We don't have to make anything official."

"I don't know what you're asking."

He looked hesitant, eyes closing tight as he tried to word his sentence in a way that wouldn't creep me out. And as his eyes snapped open, his gaze met mine, "Make-out buddies?"

"What?"

And he sighed, running a hand through his curls and gritting his teeth gently before stopping and speaking, his actions were cautious and thoughtful, completely uncharacteristic of him, "Listen, Jules... I'm a one man kind of guy and as long as we're doing whatever it is we're doing," he looked completely confident in what he was saying but in his eyes, you could tell he was scared, "I'm not kissing anyone else."

"I dont..."

"Did it feel... good?"

I nodded, afraid of the croak I'd let out if I dare speak with him this close.

"It felt good for me too." He smiled. "It can be that simple."

"I've wanted to..." he smiled, it cheesy and soft and full of laughter, like he couldn't believe it himself. "I wanted to kiss you the minute I met you."

He laughed, it breathless. "I haven't stopped thinking about you and that's a little weird for me." Fuck. "I mean, that kiss, man, I-"

Anyone else that would've felt like too much but something about how nervous he moved kept me at ease. He didn't push too much, even if his words were persistent.

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him so fucking bad.

"You're just so..." he shook his head, "charming." And he was searching my eyes for something.

He was stepping closer, as if he were testing waters and I bit my lip. His eyes stayed on mine and I couldn't keep eye contact.

"Can I?" He was touching me now, hand brushing over my jaw and his fingertips curled into the hair at the nape of my neck so gently. I didn't think, I was nodding for only a second.

And his lips were on mine, the suddenness of his actions causing me to almost fall back.

I felt his hesitation, lips molding to fit mine and his tongue grazing my bottom lip as my back hit the stall behind me; my eyes involuntarily shut, bliss falling over the surprise I once felt and body leaning into his. Paul's fingernails were digging into my sides as he held my body close to his firm one, lips driving me up the wall as they parted, deepening our kiss as I lost myself, apprehension flying out the window.

And as much as I wanted to move, I was trapped in my mind, his hand trailing down my back, his other coming up to lock in my hair. With a gentle nip on my lip, I found myself taking his shirt in my hands as Paul squeezed my ass and then rested his hands on the small of my back. His kiss was perfect and I felt myself growing harder in my jeans as his tongue fought mine and my fingers gripped his hair harshly.

He pulled back a bit, played the little chase game he was infamous for. Brown eyes dilated, dark brows knitting together and he was so alluring, I could see how he'd have guys wrapped around his finger. His hand was on my chin then, curled around and his thumb gently tugged my bottom lip out of my mouth.

I didn't realize I was chewing on it in nerves until Paul brushed the pad of his finger over the skin and pulled me back in for a searing kiss.

I fell back at the sudden movement, Paul catching me as there wasn't a wall behind, he'd been leaning on the counter again then, holding me by my face now and his kisses turned wetter, more desperate. I felt lightheaded, my stomach tightening and Paul was grinding up into me ever so slightly.

And then the sexiest sound I'd ever heard vibrated through him, his lips releasing mine before we got too carried away and pulling away way too fast before placing another kiss on the corner of my mouth. Paul who at first seemed slow and meaningful had just given me the most needy and sexual kiss I'd ever had in my life.

And as his lips pecked mine, eyes lighting with a new flame, I tried my best not to let the bulge in my pants show. Paul rarely took control but when he did, it was something that had my knees weak.

"Wow, you're hot."

"I'm hot?" His brows knitted together; his words were laced with pants, eyes low-lid-ed and he biting his lip now, licking over it and he watched me standing there my face flushed and shocked. I'd never been kissed like that.

His eyes were on mine again and brown eyes were so deep. Brown eyes were soft but sexy when narrowed and Paul's had a shine to them. He was smiling, wide, it reached the corners. "You're fucking stunning."

I was still trying to catch my breath as his hands rested on the sides of my body, finger tracing circles under the hem of my shirt, "Did you like that?" he hummed. Paul knew what he was doing and dammit he was enjoying it. He wasn't as innocent as is expected him to be.

It was obvious that he'd been so much more experienced than me and playing coy either was something he wasn't very good at or he wanted me to know. I tried not to look so turned on and I was thankful I'd worn briefs that morning. Fuck.

I nodded, a little anxious as I realized that this was a public bathroom and we were in a very compromising and very gay position.

"Do you want it to happen again?" he asked quietly but I was too paralyzed with fear and sexual frustration to actually answer. Anyone could walk in and I didn't care as much as normal.

Paul surely saw no problem, lips kissing a trail of fire up from the conjunction of my shoulder to my jawline, "Do you want it to happen again?" he asked a bit louder, hands finding their way upwards from my hips to my waist.

I nodded again, unable to form words with how close we were. He was fogging my mind he was clouding my judgement.

I wanted to shove him away before anyone saw, spit at him about how he shouldn't touch me like that in public but I couldn't. Paul obviously saw nothing wrong with two guys engaging in PDA; he was just a victim of my low confidence.

But then Paul kissed my neck, he pecked the shell of my ear, words soft but I could hear how amused he was. His crotch was still pressed into mine, still just barely grazing me and I bit back a gasp when he flicked his tongue out and kissed my jaw.

"I need to hear you say it."

And I couldn't explain why but God, that was hot. Just those words made me stir and stammer. "Ye-yeah. Yes, yes, I want it to happen again."

I wanted more.

He chuckled at that, it warm it the skin behind my ear. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." And I re-remembered why i was squirming way in the first place. My hands were balled into fists around the fabric of his shirt and I was holding him so close to me, it felt desperate. "I want you to kiss me again."

Letting go, I bit down on my lip, even if I definitely really wanted to kiss him again.

He must've sensed my urgency to get away from him as me being scared of starting something with him rather than being caught because with a kiss and bite of the skin below my right ear, he'd released me.

Leaning back, Paul slipped slightly, the stall door opening behind him and it eased some of the tension.

He smiled.

"Let's make a deal then, you call me whenever you want that to happen again and vice versa?"

"Why-why are you pushing this?"

He smiled then, it small, I tried not to stare. "I think you're cute, plus you're a good kisser."

When I didn't respond, Paul coughed, he wasn't as close to me anymore but his swollen lips lingered around mine, his hand on my waist. "Look, I know you're getting over somebody." He was nodding as if he understood and his eyes softened. "I am too."

"When did you break up?"

He smiled, shrugging and I watched his eyes lose a bit of a spark. "A little over a month now." He blinked, looking away for a bit before meeting my eyes again and he looked sad but it was resolved in a way. "We were together for a few years so I get not wanting to jump into anything."

And that made me feel better, even if it wasn't by much. I tried not to allude to how much that calmed me. Bashful, I avoided his gaze. "You don't know anything about me."

He was smirking, I could hear it in his voice and it was still so charming. "I'm not trying to be your boyfriend, I just like being around you."

"And we have chemistry."

"Do we?"

"So much."

And that was sweet, and he was cute, and I'd never been kissed like that before so I didn't want to hesitate, it wasn't like he wanted to fall in love.

I found myself nodding, "Not official?"

"Not official."

And I nodded, Paul stepping back, smile wide as if he hadn't had my body pinned. He was suspiciously holding in his laughter as he stared at the place he'd been kissing and seemed enjoy how completely confused I was.

And giving him a look, I made my way to the door, Paul catching up.

We'd been in the restroom for over fifteen minutes and that was bound to cause suspicion. I was just thankful the place wasn't so busy and no one had come in.

I couldn't be so careless, I told myself, even if there really wasn't a need.

"I..." I looked up at Paul as we made it to the back exit, walking around to the front so we wouldn't be caught coming from the bathroom together. Paul licked his full lips, "I know that commitment is the last thing you want right now but can we come to a mutual understanding that we're not kissing anyone else?"

Rolling my eyes, I smiled over at him, "Who would I kiss besides you, Paul?"

And before we'd made it to the door, he kissed me again, the way I was perfectly content with him having his lips on mine, irritating me. I was starting to lose my grip on reality as he intertwined my fingers with his, "you don't know how long I've wanted to do that."

And holding my hand, he tried to lead me to the door of the pizza joint, stopping when I snatched back from him as if he'd burned me. We were in public and gay affection was frowned upon.

"I thought you were out the closet..." he said as more of a question, looking at me as I looked around.

"I am," and I was but being in the closet for so long, you get used to the darkness, "I just- I don't want to publicize anything."

He scanned me for a minute, hand coming to push my face towards him slightly and I resisted the urge to push him away.

It wasn't his fault and I couldn't make it his fault; I agreed to being whatever with Paul and I liked him so there was no reason for me to act like I didn't.

He gave me a soft smile, hand dropping, "You're scared."

"I'm not."

Rolling his eyes, Paul leaned closer, hands caging me against the wall behind me as I backed up. A sharp intake of breath hadn't stopped him as he nuzzled his face into the crook of y neck, "Kiss me then."

And I sighed at that, no matter how much I wanted to, my arms pushing him away a little, "Paul..."

"You're scared and it's okay to be scared."

His hand was tangling with mine, lips placing a little peck on the slightly bruised knuckles; all my bruises had faded except for the faint marks on my hands. And for the first time in weeks, I felt a little better.

"I just- I don't want to go through the same thing again."

And after a while, he nodded, eyes looking into mine as he dropped my hand, it swinging to my side without his warmth, "I get it. But Jules, as long as you're hiding yourself, you'll never be truly happy..." And wise as ever, he gave a soft, barely-there smile, "There's always gonna be someone who disagrees."

What're you? My moral compass?

And his words stuck with me, even after he'd ushered me inside and made up some lie about us going for a walk, they were playing on constant repeat in my head.

And I couldn't turn it off.

A/N:

mushy gushy lovey-dovey.

paul has a commitment kink tbh. he's one for relationships.

ANYWAYS... IT'S SUMMMMMEEEERRR

Updated: Friday, May 22