[Luving U by 6lack]

FORTY-SIX: when you give him space.

We just stared at each other.

And not the good kind of staring, not the kind that had my heart pounding, the silence filled with blushing and wavering eye contact. Not the communicating kind of staring, the tense kind with fidgeting and uneasiness. I never had these moments with Paul but lately, we hadn't spoken, things hadn't been as easy as they were, it was rocky and I was walking on eggshells to keep him in my life, it felt.

"What?"

"Jules..."

"You wanna take a what?" My heart had dropped and at the words he'd said, I distanced myself from him. Even despite the heart-wrenching words he'd thrown at me, i still found myself looking at him, at the way he stayed looking straight and I just wanted his brown eyes to connect with mine.

Or I did until he tried to explain himself and the more he talked, the more confused I became and the more confused I became... the angrier I got. "I-I think that I need this time to myself. I just, I need to-" cutting him off, I rolled my eyes.

"Break up with me." What the fuck else could that mean? Standing up from my bed, I walked away from him, hoping that would make it hurt a little less. "A break means that you wanna break up with me or you wanna be with other people and string me along, a break doesn't do shit but hurt." I'd done everything to make him want me and I still wasn't e-fucking-nough.

"No," he still wasn't looking at me and I wondered how bad this was for him, briefly I thought about how horrible of an event had to have happened to him that he shut down like this. Paul wasn't a secretive person, I'd thought that was until he started keeping all these things from me and instead of confronting the problem head-on, he preferred to take a break, "we just need some time apart."

"Oh." I was trying my best not to be too mad at him, he was going through something, I had to be understanding.

"Julian, it's not you-"

Trying not to be too harsh on him, I ended up turning away and biting my tongue. He didn't see my face nor hear the cuss words that I was prepared to shoot at him only ten seconds before. "It's not me, it's you, whatever." that was way by far nicer than anything I'd been thinking.

"I'm sorry." His voice was soft and I hadn't hated anything more than the way I hated how much I loved his voice. "Look, I'm not in a good place right now and I thought I was and-"

And I snapped, turning around quick enough to see him flinch and I tried not to scream. He had such a huge effect on me, my emotions spiraling and I hadn't been in this much pain in weeks. "I wasn't in a good place." Shaking my head, I wiped underneath my eye as I felt myself about to cry. I cried so much over him already. "I haven't been in a good place in so long but I never gave up on us."

"You're not even trying!"

"Julian."

"No, no I don't wanna take a break."

"Baby—"

"Don't."

Silence.

"I'm not g-giving up on us, I... I just-I need a break- we," stopping his stammering, Paul looked up at me and I tried not to forgive him right there. He deserved to know that I wasn't just going to go along with the secrets and the lying and the rash decisions. "we need to think about ourselves instead."

That was hard to fight against though. Throughout our relationship, I could tell Paul never really had time to think about himself. I tried to give him his space, I did, I especially tried to make sure he knew that he didn't always have to protect me but maybe that hadn't translated well. I just wanted him to honest with me but he wasn't ready for that and due to how much I'd given him emotionally, it was hard to tell where the line was. Where did issues stay personal and why couldn't I find it?

"So we can't even talk about it? You make decisions for both of us by yourself now?"

And instead of trying to talk about it and find out, I did something I normally did: I bottled up my frustrations and I lashed out. I hadn't lashed out on him in so long but this time, instead of yelling, I agreed. "We can start now." Part of me was still angry, maybe it was all of me and that anger fueled me to let him go instead of fighting for us like he probably wanted me to.

"What?" His voice was pained and out of the corner of my eye, I watched as both his hands tightly grabbed my sheets. I didn't remember the last time I made my bed, I didn't see a point to do it. I got up every morning without him and I sluggishly brought myself to face the day but there were just some things I didn't find the will to care about, every time my hands found the sheets to pull it together, I found myself remembering how he held me on these sheets.

How much I could find him in everything was ridiculous and my eyes kept burning with unshed tears as I thought about how much I really loved him.

My voice was strong and my knees were weak. If he didn't leave soon, I'd probably explode. "Leave."

"No, Jules." Standing up, he made his way to me, sighing when I jerked out of his touch. "Julian, come on."

And realizing that I wasn't going to let him hold me anytime soon, Paul tried to explain himself further. "I don't wanna mess with anyone else, I have no interest or intent to." Meeting his eyes, I bit the inside of my cheek, my fingernails digging into my palms and I winced at the feeling of it almost piercing my skin. "We just, we need some room to breathe-"

"No, Paul, you need it, not me!" I tried not to flip out I really did but hearing him talk about how being without him would make either of us better struck me more than I thought it would. My throat felt like acid was swimming down and the yelling was making my head hurt. "You need it because you don't feel comfortable giving me everything that I'm giving you and that's a problem!" Almost as if he expected it, Paul backed away a little.

His voice held attitude at that and he rolled his eyes the way I had, I wanted to be done with the conversation right then and there. "I'm sorry that I'm fucking hurt." He didn't have the right to be mad at me, I wasn't the one giving up.

"So because it hurts, you're just gonna run away?" That was what hurt because no matter what, I never left him. I might have flipped out, might have had emotional breakdowns, and I even told him to leave me but I never left him. "I love you, Paul!" That was why, I really loved him. I couldn't look at him without thinking of how much I loved him, couldn't look at coffee without thinking of him, couldn't go to the beach with the guys without remembering that his dimples curved perfectly inward with his smile like sand sinks in so graciously when you touch it. Like the sand allows the sea to shine when the tide washes over.

I couldn't do anything without thinking of him and that was how I loved him.

"You don't!" And to see him screaming in my face and denying it as if he could crawl into my body and feel just how much I loved him, that was it. "You say you love me but you don't know shit about me!" And I didn't want to try anymore.

Oh, fuck off.

"You love that I'm there for you Jules, you don't love me."

"What?"

He shrugged and he really looked like he wanted to cry and I hated it. I hated that I didn't know if he was serious or not, if he genuinely believed that I didn't love him.

And maybe it made sense. Maybe I didn't know him well enough because who I thought he was wasn't a fucking coward.

"Alright." I was tired of this, Paul wasn't who I thought he was and I didn't need this shit. My life was screwed up enough without a boyfriend who didn't trust me with his secrets or believe me so I said some things that I didn't mean. I didn't want to break up, I was just frustrated and it seemed like the best thing to do was let Paul do what he wanted. "Get outta my house."

"What?"

"If I don't know you, get the fuck out of my house." My voice was abrasive as I said things that I never expected myself to say. Paul's eyes were following me as I tried not to hit the wall with how much pain I was in. I flinched back wildly, jerking out of his grasp and I wanted him to know how serious I was. "Because apparently our relationship doesn't mean shit to you."

If he really cared about me or our relationship, he would be trying more than he was but as quick as I'd said it, Paul firmly denied, trying to grab my hands again. "I didn't mean it like that..." My head was throbbing and my hands were shaking, I didn't want him to touch me, I kind of felt like throwing up. He must've sensed how much physical hurt I was in because he stepped closer, going to grab my face in his hands. "Are you okay?"

Pushing him away gently in order to not cause any sudden movements that would send me to my knees in front of the toilet and spilling the contents of my stomach. "Just a hangover, I'm fine." I tried to suppress the feeling of my breakfast coming up and my heartbeat racing. Panic attacks were so rare for me no, I couldn't fall into one, not over this... I was more than Paul's boyfriend and his indecisiveness wasn't going to be the reason.

Not seeing how quickly his emotions changed at hearing that, I opened my eyes from squeezing them so tight and I saw the look Paul was giving me. "I didn't know you drank."Crossing his arms like a disappointed father, he rolled his eyes at me, "Why would you do that shit, it could mess with your meds-"

Oh so now he cared about me? Nevermind when he was ignoring me for a whole week. "You're not my father, Paul, you're my boyfriend." And I wasn't sure how true that was so with a patronizing smile, I tried not to show how much just thinking about it affected me. "Or are you?"

"Look, I didn't mean to just spring it on you but-"

"You came to my house in my clothes, saying you missed me after subtweeting my ass all week and not answering my calls," gesturing to his body, I tried to put into perspective how shitty he was making me feel but it just made me even angrier, "just to tell me that you want a break." Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"I would've called you but I thought hearing it in person would be better." He was scratching the back of his neck nervously with no conviction. Neither of us knew what to do next so all I could do was revert back into my damn habit of self-deprecation and try and figure out what was so wrong with me. "I was trying to figure out what I wanted but when I got here... I sat in my car for so long and I- this is what feels right for us right now."

My heart was racing and I could feel myself starting to sweat, sucking in air, I held my hands over my face and tried to calm myself down but my words still came out jumbled and my lips were starting to tremble. "So when you saw me, you realized that you didn't wanna be with me anymore, I get it-"

Almost instantly, he cut me off, "No, Julian, it's way more complicated than that-"

"Is it cause I said I love you?"

"No."

But it was, it had to be. What else had I done to him? Nothing, I did absolutely nothing.

"I haven't done shit to you and I can't fix your problems." Why could I never keep him happy? "I did nothing to you, you freak out on me twice, ignore me for a week and fail to tell me what the fuck I did to deserve it-" I had to have done something wrong, you didn't just break up with someone for no reason.

"It's not your fault!" Yes, it was. It had to be, I'd told myself it wasn't but with how he was reacting, it felt like I had done something to him. Trying to catch my eyes in his brown ones, I allowed his fingertips to lightly graze my cheekbones. "Look at me, it's not your fault. I just need some time to settle some shit because I don't wanna hurt you." And that was almost laughable, how ironic it was.

"You're hurting me now." Laughing at that, I sat back down on my bed where we were before and he didn't move to provide comfort as he usually did. That was what broke my heart, the fact that he was so different, the fact that he was right... I really didn't know him. Or at least, that's how it felt, "I don't know you or what love is according to you so I wanna know why you came here in the first place."

It was silent and I heard him inching a little closer, I had nothing left and the tears almost fell when he leaned down and rested his forehead on mine. I could finally feel how much this hurt him as well when he tangled his tattooed fingers in mine, knelt down to my height and tried to make me look in his blurry eyes. I hated how much that calmed me, how he always knew what to do.

"I need time, Julian." His voice was erratic, hopeless even as he tried to settle this... He looked like he didn't know how to fix this between us, neither did I, really. "And I'm sorry."

"Goodbye."

I didn't want him to leave as much as I made it sound like I did and when I felt him kiss my knuckles, his tears had hit my hand and he went to wipe them away, standing up but not before reaching for my face again. He'd leaned in to kiss me and I just knew that I wouldn't be able to let him leave and he needed to. I needed him to.

Moving my head back, I watched as he dropped his hands before hastily picking up his phone and keys, I tried to keep a blank face. Sparing one last teary-eyed look at me, he made his way to my room door. Following behind him, I shut the door, sliding my back down it and I didn't breathe again until I'd heard the front door close and his car start up.

At that, the tears came.

: : :

I missed him.

I really fucking missed him, so much that when I was sitting in the middle of the cafeteria with Ben, I hadn't been listening at all. I was spacing out and every time I closed my eyes, I had to try not to cry.

Before he'd quote unquote not broken up with me but really did, I was only in a bit of a slump but now, I couldn't even push myself to smile let alone do something about my appearance. And I knew Benji was worried about me, I would be worried about me.

"J, you okay?" His voice was concerned, eyebrows furrowed as I laid my head down in the middle of him telling me a story of an awkward sexual encounter with some girl over the course of the weekend.

My weekend sucked. After Paul left my house, I'd ended up crying in my locked bathroom with a bottle of some alcohol my dad had sitting under the kitchen counter. That Friday I was so drunk I could barely stand without getting nauseous and the two days after that, I laid in my bed unable to sleep. There were three panic attacks during that time and my heart was broken, probably physically, that's how bad it hurt.

It was Thursday, a day since Paul had went off to California and I missed him a lot. I hadn't seen him in six days and a part of me was missing. The days passed by fast when all you did was cry and sleep and now I had absolutely no energy.

"No."

Ben sighed, leaning forward to rub my elbow since it was he closest thing to him. "You guys talked?" Of course not, Paul didn't want to speak to me and I didn't want to speak to him either. Everytime I got the courage to pick up my phone and call him, it went straight to voicemail and I would've been worried if he wasn't still favoriting tweets from the guys.

"He wants a break." My voice lacked emotion and I sat up, holding my hand up to my cheek and twirling my straw in the shake Ben had brought back from his trip to Sonic around ten minutes prior.

He'd been trying to cheer me up more lately so I wished I didn't snap on him when he tried again, "Look, that doesn't mean anything-"

"Yes it does, Ben." "He doesn't feel the same way as me, he doesn't wanna talk about things, he doesn't even wanna be with me." I didn't feel the need to cry anymore but I think that the real problem was in actuality, I didn't feel anything at all.

I wanted to be left alone for a while, I wanted to spend time by myself and see what all the hype was about when he said he needed time alone. Telling myself I wouldn't wait around for him seemed too dramatic and a little too dependent again but I found myself staring at my phone wishing he would call with Benji being the only on there since testing had stolen Will, drugs had stolen Caspar, and Andy was sick with the flu.

The school year was about to end and all the emotions I'd been feeling had clouded my happiness, I was finally done with this place but something told me that I'd miss the security high school had. You were never really on your own nor were you ever really failing.

Yeah, you were failing but you also had people looking out for you, everyone trying to pull you back up, and people there to make the same mistakes you did. Real life wasn't going to be like that and my depression made sure that I knew it, my anxiety making sure that I paid attention and freaked out a good week before school ended.

Paul was really the only stable thing in my life, sports weren't reliable and my relationship with my dad was slowly building back. My boyfriend was the one thing I wasn't absolutely sure I'd fail on and I did just that.

He wouldn't answer my calls. Halfway across the county and he wouldn't answer any of my calls nor would he text me back, maybe he was upset that I didn't go to see him off but he wanted space and that's what I was giving him. He was in California, how much more space did he need?

I found myself over-analyzing that thinking that he'd seen the two calls and the 'can we talk?' message and he just didn't want to be bothered with me. I just wanted to hear his voice.

"Ri?" I'd asked once the phone pressed to my ear had stopped ringing. Since it was a sophomore exam day, I didn't have to be at school and neither did Ben so after lunch, he'd dropped me off home and I laid in my bed for a while, staring at the ceiling.

I'd tried Paul again after checking the time difference, it was around seven where I was so it wouldn't be too early or late for him. He, of course, didn't pick up again and that's how I found myself biting my lip as the redhead laughed at something on her side.

"Oh, hey, babe." She'd finally greeted me, I could hear the happiness in her voice and that just made me feel even worse. "What's up?"

"Have you talked to Paul?"of course she has, idiot.

Rilee sighed at that, "Yeah, I think he went out with the guys last night." And sensing that something was wrong, she tried to justify, maybe Paul had told her everything like I had Benji, I mean... she was one of his best friends. "He's on the beach right now so he might not be on his phone, we haven't been around this much water in a year or two." There was a lot of rustling in which she was further and it felt as if I were on speaker. "I can call B and tell Paul you're trying to talk to him?"

"No thanks, I'll try again later." I most-definitely wasn't gonna try again later, he didn't want to talk to me and that was that.

"I know that tone, Paul loves you, stop playing."

And that was definitely not true, he'd said it himself. "Yeah." I don't love him, those were his exact words.

"Oh my god, Landon, you're so fucking dumb!" Her yelling had interrupted me from my wallowing and I held he phone from my ear. "I gotta go help Lanny get his hand out of the faucet, I'll call you back." The line went dead at that and I hung up with a slight smile on my face. His friends had become my friends and it was nice to know that even if he wasn't necessarily dating me at the moment, at least Rilee was still there for me.

The thought that maybe it was because she thought we could still salvage our relationship had hit me and wiped the smile right