HAPPY PRIDE MONTH EVERYBODY
[Jules; Heebiejeebies by Aminé ft Kehlani]

FORTY-SEVEN: when no love is lost.

Who I was really had been a challenge to accept throughout my senior year, who I wanted to be was someone who I hadn't met yet and I really didn't know where I was going.

And I mean, I knew where I was going but I didn't really know where I was going and how I'd get there. College seemed like a necessity and really, I was all for it but I wasn't so convinced on the idea of finding myself across the country with a bunch of people that I didn't know. Who I was had to be somewhere in Michigan and I intended to find him.

My friends held a sense of security and so did my passion, I only had one defining trait and one thing I could be proud of. My relationship was important but my relationship would never be as important as who I was as an individual and I knew that.

Therapy sessions always left me with a new outlook on life and maybe I dwelled too much on the present. I didn't look at the long run, never did and my therapist was very good at making me recognize that. Leaving her office normally was something I felt good after and maybe I should've went that week.

But I didn't because I didn't find need in it and that was a problem.

I loved Paul, I did, but I loved myself more or I had to love myself more. Julian Douglas was a great person and I had to believe that before I could trust anybody else to, it was just so damn hard.

: : :

"Jules?" His voice was a bit distorted due to it being over the phone, his hair looked even curlier, probably because it was wet, and he had bags under his eyes, almost as if he hadn't been sleeping but I knew I looked worse.

Since this break thing had been announced, I hadn't done anything more than necessary to preserve my looks. My hair was dull and lifeless, resting on my forehead and my eyes were bloodshot from all the crying. I barely left my house, only for exams and work so when I wasn't at school or the restaurant, I stayed in sweats and I'd been wearing this same shirt for three days.

I think it was his.

"Rilee said you called." Just hearing that and seeing him at all made my heart hurt and I kept my eyes down, fiddling with a fidget cube Ben had given me when he noticed the marks on my hands. These actually worked, which I wouldn't have expected since it'd been so popularized with people who had no form of anxiety or attention deficit disorders.

I did call for him. The day I couldn't get a hold of him I'd called Rilee and she said he was on the beach and that shit was a boldface lie since his pictures from that day were all in the city.

My voice was barely a whisper and a tear almost fell when I heard Brandon's voice in the background however faint it was. I could see Paul inching his headphone mic a little closer and I wondered how many other people were in the room hearing him speak to me. "Hey."

"Look, I'm really sorry for just springing that break stuff on you, that wasn't right." I could hear only male voices, a lot of voices I didn't recognize and my insecurities were getting the best of me. "I really think it'll be good for us though, not being with each other so frequently for a little while... I can get my shit together." Standing when the noise got a bit louder, he exited the room and I tried not to get jealous about the fact that he was having fun, the fact that through the camera, I could see a very hot shirtless guy.

"Yeah." I tried not to get jealous, knowing that they probably recently came back from the beach and Paul had never gave me real reasons not to trust him... at least not reasons that he couldn't debate.

"What's wrong?" His voice was concerned, he must've seen the look on my face. Everything.

Rolling my eyes to stop myself from cussing him out for everything that had happened, I settled with a simple, "Nothing." No matter how angry he made me, he was going through something and I loved him too much to not try and understand.

"It doesn't look like nothing." He'd stated, "Tell me what's wrong." And as always he was persistent and I was so frustrated at how it made my heart warm.

"I said nothing, Paul, I'm fine." I wanted to be over it, wanted to just let him go at that point by I couldn't. Hell, I didn't think I really wanted to. But it'd been over a week and nothing had been solved at all, made me wonder why I even tried, he didn't even love me.

"Julian-"

Stop talking to me, stop acting like you care when you really don't. Paul didn't give a single shit about our relationship and he made that so heartbreaking-ly clear, "I'm fucking fine!" I didn't mean to yell at him but it certainly did shift his mood, Paul wasn't ever irritated easily but he was deflated at that and his offense did shine clear.

"You didn't have to curse at me, I'm just worried, okay?" His voice was sharp and my throat burned with so many empty threats: ending this completely, never speaking to him again, things that I couldn't ever do.  I could see how worried he was, I knew he was but in the midst of everything that had happened, I wasn't really in the mood to listen and register. I was just... hurt and I think it reflected in my face.

"You don't have to worry about me, I can handle myself."

"What's your problem?" The noise around him had died down and I could imagine the guys he was with laughing at my expense, I'm sure it sounded like I was overreacting only hearing his side and that sucked.

"I don't have a problem." My problem was that he didn't wanna tell me anything but reiterating this would only make him angrier and start another argument so I kept that silent.

"Oh so since when do you reject three of my calls in a row and then get pissy with me out of nowhere?" And the way he made that sound was bad, the fact that I was starting to doubt my own foundation. "Julian, what the hell?" But I had a reason to be upset even if it made me look stupid, still I was a bit insecure due to the exasperated look on his face.

"Since we were on a break." I'd set out, trying my nest to not sound spiteful, this is what he wanted. "You don't want me bugging you, I won't but I thought that you'd at least give me the same respect."

"You called me first." And you didn't answer.

"Leave me alone, Paul." My voice was weaker than before, he wasn't getting it. I watched as he raked a hand through his hair, sighing, I was looking at him now just studying his appearance, he looked fine for the most part. And I tried to find something off in his stature despite the clear fact that he wasn't getting much sleep. He looked okay and that hurt even more because I was in my bed in a dirty beat up old t-shirt that I was sure I'd stolen from Paul's closet once upon a time.

It was a long sleeve that was a little too big on me and the collar had a rip in it from my tugs during any attack I'd had. The night before then was particularly bad after I'd seen a few pictures on his snapchat from him in some bar and he hadn't answered when I'd called, of course I hadn't answered his call after seeing that picture of him and Brandon... and then he could just go out, get drunk as if it didn't matter.

They weren't even touching in the first picture and maybe I couldn't have ignored him but even seeing them together while this was going on... it made my stomach turn.

"Why?"

And then almost as if that wasn't bad enough, he went out and got drunk when I didn't answer. "I don't know; why don't I just not call you tonight and go get drunk with Andy, you'd be cool with that?" His face turned at that, sympathy all over it and I knew I'd hit something in him. "Shit, I forgot, I'm not your boyfriend until it's convenient for you again, huh?"

He was stammering and at some times it was so cute by others... like this moment in time, it was irritating. "I meant to tell you, I just fell asleep... I haven't gone out in a while, I-I didn't even drink. You know I don't do that."

"Brandon was trying to get me out of the house because I've been crying so much. I haven't stopped crying since I left, you're not the only one affected by this." His voice was soft and his eyes were too, I could see how sincere he was and it made my heart ache.

"I'm not the one that left you." Still, I felt defensive.

"I know that."

"Whatever." And he didn't drink but that was the only thing he focused on? Rolling my eyes, I went to hang up, "Goodnight, Paul."

"No, let's talk about it, you're obviously upset."

"Were you trying to make me jealous with that picture?" I had to know because that's what it felt like and I didn't understand why he'd do that especially with everything going on. He knew I was nervous about him leaving and he also knew that no matter how much I was over him and Brandon, it still made me a little anxious. "A-and then you went out right after, was that necessary? Are you trying to tell me something?"

"No." I believed him already. "I have to keep up with my social media, I-I'm an influencer and my tweets haven't been the most positive so I have to make sure that I don't cause too much of a scene... We're on a trip so I scrolled through my camera roll and found a picture from another trip and posted it." I couldn't just believe him though, he fucked up.

"People think I'm dating Brandon, so, it-it feeds the fans, ya know?" He answered, sort of sheepishly as if he realized how it sounded. "Keeps us trending."

"People think you're dating Brandon." That was a problem, and he didn't see it like that.

He shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal. "People think you're dating Andy." And Paul was so good at being defensive, he was so fucking guarded and I hated it. I hated that I didn't know what he was thinking. "Doesn't matter what people think."

But it mattered to me. "I'm with you, everyone who matters knows that." Your mom doesn't.

"You know how much I like you."

"Actually, I don't." And it felt so good sometimes, sometimes he was so good at making sure I knew how he felt but he just felt so distant now and I was starting to realize that he hadn't really told me anything.

And he was right, I didn't know him.

"I don't cause you don't feel comfortable talking to me. I haven't met your parents. I-I don't know you, Paul, you made that clear."

And I didn't wanna talk anymore, I was so fucking tired.

"I don't wanna talk about this, right now."

It wasn't my responsibility to feel sorry for him but I found myself staring at his pixelated face and wanting to forgive him just like that, I wanted this all to be over with but maybe he was right. Maybe everybody was right, we weren't right together maybe my dad was right in the things he'd said as he soothed me through my panic attacks.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Jules."

I deserved more than someone so secretive, I didn't need this stress on top of college stress and on top of all my mental health stress.

"Come on, let's talk about it. I don't want you to be mad at me when we're so far apart."

"I'm not mad." I was. I was so mad but I don't think it was at him. I was mad at the fact that he had such a strong affect on me... maybe I wasn't too dependent on him but too in love with him. Was it okay to love him this much, so much that I didn't function right without him but as soon as he came back to me, I would forgive everything he'd ever done wrong?

Did that make me stupid?

"You are." Meeting his eyes, I could see the pain in them and his side was silent. "I wanna talk to you, Jules."

"Go talk to Brandon." I absolutely hated that this showed how much I wasn't over their friendship. "And date him too while you're at it." Why was I mad? It didn't even make sense for me to be this mad. He wanted a break and I gave it to him but over the week or so apart, I wasn't really counting... I really regretted it.

"So we're going to be childish now, is that it?"

But that made me mad, the fact that he could just pretend as if what I was saying didn't make any sense and maybe it didn't but- no, he left me, he refused to tell me the truth, he went across the fucking country and didn't answer my calls. "I'm being honest, you wanted a break so what? You can fuck him?" I think that was my defense mechanism, I wasn't all that mad about him and Brandon but more so the comments, the fact that he went out clubbing right after, it felt like he did it to spite me as if he wanted to incite a jealousy in me and it worked.

I hated that it worked.

"What? No, where is this even coming from?"

Instantly, almost as if I found my anger, words spilled out and I tried not to sound desperate, "Is that why you don't wanna have sex with me?"

"I thought you wanted to wait-"

"No, Paul, that what you wanted... we don't talk about the things that I want." And I mean, I didn't have a huge need for it, I think it was my medication that slowed down my libido but- I wanted him to at least seem interested, I guess?

"We can talk about what you want, Jules, I just-I guess I assumed you'd tell me."

It was silent for a second as he seemed to mull that over and then, sweet as ever, all his anger dropped at once, "baby, I'm sorry if I made you feel like I'm- like I'm not attracted to you. I am, it's just, you know, sex- it's not easy for me anymore..."

And I was so confused it started to make me even more irrational.

Maybe it was because his explanation of the whole thing was kind of hazy? I didn't know much about his past, that had to be a problem. "What does that even mean?"

It sounded like he was making up excuses after excuses in order to hold off until he decided if he really wanted to break up with me. Maybe that was just my own insecurities. How could he have sex with Brandon not even a week before we started our... thing? And then just not be okay with sex so suddenly?

That didn't make any sense to me.

Paul didn't seem to have many insecurities when it came to his body... he didn't seem to mind lacking clothes and I felt kind of shitty for assuming that but it really didn't seem that simple.

And it felt like it was a me problem, again.

"Jules..."

"You lied to me." Maybe I was trying to find where my anger fit. "You've slept with Brandon more times than you told me. You told me it was a one-time hookup."

He was rolling his eyes then but his tone never changed. "Fine." And he was more honest than I needed him to be. "I've fucked Brandon, way, way more times than I can count and it never meant anything."

"I'm sorry that I didn't feel comfortable telling you my entire life two weeks after I met you."  And it was honest and his voice was soft even if his words were blunt.

Anyone else would've given up by then, I could feel my own argument faltering. "But I think it should be worth something that I could have so much history with someone else and still choose you. Everytime."

"Whatever." The last time I'd tried something sexual, he seemed so repulsed by it, he'd literally kicked me out and then he broke up with me.

But he seemed scared, there were reasons, he shut down. He was crying and shaking and Brandon knew what was going on.

"So you're mad at me because we haven't had sex?" But he also didn't have any protest against blowing me and that was what made me feel inadequate. Maybe he didn't want to go all the way, maybe he wasn't a bottom, maybe it was my fault.

I wasn't mad that we hadn't had sex, that would be so stupid of me but then why was I so upset?

"What is it?" He could probably see the change in my mood, the deflation of my argument and the feeling of not being enough for him had settled back in. My eyes stayed glued to my bed sheets and I tried not to hang up on him. "Julian."

"What, Paul?" I felt dumb and the thought of him being across the country in a room with hot guys that I didn't even know and how stupid I was being, I wouldn't have been surprised if he dumped me for real and had a fucking orgy.

"Why are you so mad at me?"

"You're right, we shouldn't even talk about it." Running around in circles was making my head hurt.

"Jules..." he was sick of this I could tell and I didn't blame him, the conversation was exhausting.

I hated how stupid he could make me feel. "Julian—"

"If you wanna break up with me, Paul, just break up with me," please, "because this really fucking hurts."

"No." I could hear the door creaking open and I saw him walking. Pulling his headphones out, I noticed that the noise got louder. So stupid, Jules. I could see that he was tapping his friends and they quieted down.

"Paul." Being aware of how hoarse my voice was, I kept it a whisper and I was surprised when he heard it.

"No, I want you to listen to me, alright?" Hearing ooos and damns in the background, I sunk down more into my bed and waited for him to say something so I didn't sound stupid to the other people in the room. "Liam, you know I'm gay right?"

Turning the camera around, I could clearly see a boy with light sandy hair that didn't seem natural due to his Asian features and a nice smile. He'd looked up at Paul and nodded as if hat question was dumb. "Yeah, man."

"Well, I have a boyfriend." And my cheeks inflamed. Overlapping what Liam was saying, I heard a different voice.

"Oh shit, he cute?" Paul had laughed at that and turned the camera around to face him and some guy that looked somewhat like Liam. His face was a bit younger and lips plumper as well as his voice having a little bit of a lisp.

"He's fucking stunning."

I tried to keep the blush off my face at that. "That's Liam and Ian, they're brothers and they run an account together. That's Jaden," turning the camera again, I saw a guy with darker skin and his hat turned backwards, his jawline was chiseled and his eyes were friendly as he laughed at something on their end.

My heart raced when Paul's earbuds were back in. The sound of other guys was fading, he was closing a door behind him. I watched his smile turn uneasy. "Baby."

That word always made my chest warm.

"I don't wanna break up, that's not why I need space." His voice was so sincere, "and it's not anything you did. I just, I-I need some time... to think." He'd lost a bit of breath on the last word and I watched tears well in his eyes, "about-about me, you know, and why I reacted like that."

And I didn't know what to say, fighting felt pointless when he looked so lost. I watched him blink back tears, blowing a sigh out of pouty lips and he offered a smile down at the camera.

"But I don't have problems hiding us from my friends, okay? Everyone here knows that I'm yours."

: : :

Being on better terms with Paul meant a lot to me and now that was somewhat understood that we needed space, we took it and didn't speak for the rest of the time he was in LA. It was a mutual decision and it was so much easier to go out and do things without that bad air between us.

I didn't check his social media as much as I would've before and I also turned off his post notifications so during the last week of school, I found myself breathing easier. I was in the car with Benji when he noticed how much more content I'd been, I was driving us to school since my dad had finally given my keys back and we only had to be there for half of the day. Graduation was the weekend