[Queer by BROCKHAMPTON]

TRIGGER WARNING: MINIMAL TALK OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

FORTY-NINE: when he takes a bigger step.

PaulyBJones has posted a new photo.

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PaulyBJones: 🇺🇸🏳️‍🌈 🇲🇽
17,391 comments

joe_sugg: got a little juice on ya picture there, mate.
carlawithak: he's not gay guys, light of day is just hella proactive
CynthiaRoss: this is so anti-trump and I love it
BrianG: kys liberal fag
IAmBrandonRoss: no camera credits?
jancalligan: a gay icon.
Lighthousefans: @jancalligan he's not gay but I love how straight guys are supporting gay rights.
jancalligan: honey, he ain't straight @Lighthousefans

"So, Pablo, huh?" We were laying in his bed a few hours after we'd arrived and calmed from the standoff with his brother. I'd expected -due to the events of the week prior- that Paul would distance himself but, surprisingly, he'd snapped back pretty quickly. Paul- prior to the arguments we'd had- was a very affectionate person. He talked about how much he loved to hold me, he'd always made me feel good about myself or at least try and he was a source of comfort. I missed how much happiness he brought me.

And laying with him, God, I missed it; his arms held me both securely and leisurely and his legs were intertwined with mine as we watched Netflix on his phone. I had been trying to find something for us to do together, to show him that I wasn't still mad at him and to hopefully cheer him up how he always did for me.

"You really are Picasso."

He'd laughed then, his eyes squeezing shut and he'd pulled me closer to his body. Warmth had sunken in through my skin then, his breathing synchronizing with mine and I just couldn't stop myself from pushing myself further into him so I could feel his breaths and soothing motions on my skin.

"Shut up," he countered and I couldn't help but follow through with my own laugh, "It's my birth name but when we moved to the States, my mom wanted me to have the same opportunities as a full white guy so I went by my English name and I took my dad's last name." Paul Jones, it was an extremely white name and I could definitely see what he meant. Identifying completely as Hispanic on paper would've made his life ten times harder.

Being friends with people so educated on social issues and racism and systematics, I'd inherently became more educated. Benji was a co-founder of a cultural awareness club, something I wouldn't have expected from the first time meeting him and Will was a huge advocate for women's rights, lgbt rights, black right, people of color rights... my friends were great people and my boyfriend was a great person and I couldn't be more content with how much they had changed me.

I could contribute to the conversation and, more importantly, I could be genuinely in-tune and empathetic even if I couldn't necessarily feel what they felt. "And yes, that's also why Rilee calls me Picasso." Paul tried to joke, lifting the heavy air and I couldn't help but feel as if we needed to talk about it a little more.

"What's your full Spanish name?" I wanted to know him and that included knowing this entirely other side to him. There was an entirely other side to who he was.

"Pablo Luis Martinez-Jones." The way it rolled off his tongue made me smile as did the fact that Jones fit so awkwardly on the end but it was so adorable to hear him say it. His voice was so soft, it flowed nicely and he talked pretty fast. Hearing him speak another language was so nice to me, he words sounding so natural, just as natural. I loved Paul Jones, I could definitely love Pablo Martinez as well.

"That's pretty."

At that he started to laugh, pulling me in to kiss my lips and when he pulled away, he rested his forehead on mine lovingly. His hands were so soft as they stroked my skin, his voice was gentle and his quiet laugh vibrated my skin in the nicest of ways. "What are you laughing at?"

"Nothing," biting his lip, he looked at me and I admired the stubble that was growing in, the way he was starting to look older but when he was this close, he looked so young and full of life. I scanned over his lips, how one tucked into his teeth and the skin looked so soft, just as soft as they felt. His eyes were so pretty, fanned by long lashes and I couldn't help but stare. My boyfriend was so beautiful and I was such a sap.

Kissing me again before moving another to my cheek, he smiled against my skin, "it's just, you really thought this was white boy hair?"

His hair was extremely thick now that he pointed it out, his skin did have a tan glow and his curls were unlike anything I'd ever seen on someone white. "I mean... I thought you were... Italian, I don't know? Is it weird that it felt weird to ask?"

Laughing again, Paul pulled himself so he was sitting up and he slipped back on his pants. It had been little hot in his room and amidst watching an episode of Greys, he'd undressed.

In a big tee, my boyfriend tugged me into his side, my body buried against his.

I found myself looking around the room, eyes flitting from one object to another. From an stereo, some vhs tapes stacked high on a bookshelf with an old gameboy. Buckets of what I could presume was art supplies instead of actual books.

His walls had a few posters strewn about, some paintings hung up that were clearly from more amateur days. He'd mastered his craft now and I held him closer.

"Baby..."

There were art pieces leant against his closet door, the front one a few people in a garden of sorts. I tried to understand it, a game controller sat in this hands

He blinked down at me, eyebrows raised. "What's that?"

"Uh..." embarrassment lingered on his features. He'd met my gaze, eyes drinking in what I'd been looking at and he scratched the back of his neck, "it was based on technological obsession. It-it's supposed to be kids playing video games, like, instead of tag or something... you know, glitching in a field?"

And that was really cool. It was so different from the things that he'd shown me already, all his art now was romantic almost. It felt softer now, more museum-like, but there was still something so nice about the heaviness of older pieces.

"I was very literal in high school and I only painted in dollar store acrylic cause I couldn't afford good supplies."

The bashfulness was cute.

"I like it."

He'd lit up then, even if it wasn't extremely visible. His voice was still so soft, fingertips brushing against my cheek. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's really well done."

Really, everything he did was and I tried not to be embarrassed telling him why I really loved it.

"Well, like, it's good to me cause I can also tell the meaning." Thick brows furrowed then and I sat up, turning towards him. He bit his bottom lip, eyes widening and it was so hard to speak when he looked at me like that.

God, he was so fucking cute. "I love your art now but I feel so stupid sometimes when you're explaining your pieces."

His hand was on my thigh now, thumb drawing a circle there, his body still so relaxed and he said it so nonchalantly. "You're not stupid, don't ever say that."

I love you.

Clearing my throat, I tried to ignore how much my heart swelled. "Can we-can we rewind? I wasn't paying attention."

But, he wasn't done because I guess I didn't seem too convinced and my boyfriend laced our fingers together. "You are so smart, Jules." Even if it wasn't that serious, he always took me seriously. "Okay? Don't tell yourself otherwise."

A blush soaked my skin, heart so warm and I fell back into his chest. Kiss on soft lips, there was a hand guiding the back of my neck, stroking the skin there so gently. We'd fallen asleep shortly after.

: : :

After Paul had busied himself with some digital art piece he was working on on the desktop in a different room, I found myself in his kitchen. It was still a little weird to maneuver around his house, often times I'd stop and admire their pictures, baby Paul making my heart swell. Eventually a feeling of imposing would wash over me and I'd then find myself just wandering.

I was standing by his kitchen sink and responding back to something funny Ben had sent in our groupchat when someone else had joined me. They had light footsteps, so light that I wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't grazed my arm. I would get lost in my head pretty often.

Peaking up from my phone, I tried to put a face to my company, almost instantly shrinking in. Milo Jones was slightly intimidating and even more than slightly awkward to be around. Being a little bit taller than me, maybe even a little taller than Paul, Milo gave me a wary kind of feeling. In the simplest definition, he made me feel uncomfortable and ultimately made me feel as if our talking shouldn't occur.

But he wouldn't let me just ignore him, of course, he had to make conversation. It was as if everything. Paul had said had went into one ear and out of the other. "He really loves you, you know?"

Furrowing my brows, I looked at him, having to look up a bit due to the fact that he had around two inches on me. I was already almost 6-foot, Paul was 6'2 and still I found myself looking up at his brother... they were a family of giants. "Excuse me?"

"I'm not scared of Paul, he's not gonna stop me from being nice to his boyfriend." Shrugging, he opened the drawer beside me, pulling a lighter out and I expected him to leave it at that but he didn't.  "You're more family to him than I've been."

"Oh."

Nodding, he went to put the lighter in his pocket, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and I couldn't help but sink into myself a little more. It was so awkward but it was sweet that he seemed to care about his brother. "He really loves you... Just don't hurt him, I've done that enough."

And that had a slightly ominous tone, I wanted to know more and although I probably should've waiting for Paul to tell me, I tried to syphon a small explanation out of his brother. "Why?" I was slightly sick if not knowing anything and it really was in good intention.

"I didn't want him to be gay so I convinced myself that I was just doing him a favor by beating the shit out of him." And there it was, it was something I'd already had a hunch on but he confirmed it and it was extremely upsetting but Milo looked more distraught then I was and I had to remember to not make everything about me. "He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you," I tried to comfort, knowing that Paul didn't have much hate in his heart. He was such a forgiving person and it was both a blessing and a curse. He forgave when he didn't need to and when he probably shouldn't have and that was who he was. A lingering reminder in the back of my head was of the fact that he didn't tell me about his brother, he didn't tell me about his past, he didn't even tell me about him being Mexican.

There had to have been reasons... maybe I didn't know Paul enough. But how didn't I know him when I could look at him and know I'm in love? How could I be so in love with him when I didn't know these huge aspects of him?

"Nah," Milo shrugged and I tried not to cry in frustration. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he didn't meet my eyes, that was a shock due to how confident he seemed. Maybe Paul needed to give him a little forgiveness.

Who was I to say that though when I didn't know much about their situation? "I'm pretty sure he hates my guts, you should too since you're homo and all."

"I've seen Paul hate someone. He doesn't hate you."

"You're really good for him."

Was I?

At that, Milo went to exit, probably out back to have a smoke as alluded to by the pack of cigarettes he'd pulled out of his back pocket and I went to grab a drink to wash down my overthinking.

Hearing his voice any other time would've been relaxing but at this moment, my heart started to beat a little louder. "Jules?"

I wasn't sure what I was anxious about until I let out a reflexive: "In here," and I locked eyes with the older wavy-haired boy.

My eyes widened in sync with Paul's brother and almost instantly, I realized where I messed up and how upset he'd be if he found us talking. I didn't wanna divide them any more than they already were and the one across from me must have noticed because he quickly looked around searching for somewhere to hide.

Opening a door to what I presumed to be a closet, he stuck his foot in and started swearing once realizing that the pantry was too full and I found myself blocking the doorway a bit when Paul entered, jerking my head towards the side of the fridge. I don't know why I helped Milo but I'd like to think it was more to save my own ass. "Shit-"

Opening the fridge to block him further, I made it seem like I was rummaging through the freezer since the door provided the most coverage for a tall and built kind of guy.

"You wanna run to the store with me?" Paul had offered when he walked in, eyes on his phone and I sucked in a breath of relief, he had passed right by his brother and I wasn't sure if it was because he wasn't wearing glasses or just he didn't pay attention but I was thankful.

"Of course," I'd have done anything to get myself out of that position of hiding a grown man. My palms were already clammy and I was nervous enough as it was, "aren't you supposed to be finishing that piece?"

"Yeah, I got tired and I don't wanna force myself to finish it." Shrugging, he moved over towards the sink and rested his body against it. When I turned towards him, he was pointing his phone screen at me, showing a picture he had posted around three hours before. "Look."

In the picture, he'd been off to the side facing the camera and looking so cool,he was eating my jacket and there was a red effect going right through the middle, I think brandon used a prism. "I know, you look great." The caption was the American flag, the gay flag, and the Mexican flag and I knew some of his followers caught onto what he was alluding to. It was a coming out without coming out.

And they still didn't understand. "They're really having a debate about my sexuality in the comments, general consensus says I'm a straight ally and just opposing trump's anti-Mexican stance." And he was anti-trump and really anti-anything hateful but he most definitely wasn't straight and that was the point of the post, I was sure. Reminded me of how Tyler The Creator tried to come out like six times and no one took him seriously, I still didn't think he was gay.

My boyfriend looked a little discouraged though, a bit upset as he changed the subject. "What're you doing in here?" That snapped me back and I couldn't help but stutter as I lied.

"Just..." and I mean, it was a white lie and I wasn't even necessarily lying to him, it was just to not upset him, "getting something to drink."

He laughed at that, looking up from where he was probably scrolling through comments. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

And placing his phone down, he must've had enough. Grimacing, he looked back at me and I wanted to ask what made him upset but I couldn't find the words when I was so nervous, he'd already changed the subject. "What did you get? I'm thirsty too." Reaching his hands out, it was almost as if he turned a switch and his emotions switched drastically. Pulling me in, he let the fridge close and I settled myself in front of him, hoping he'd pay so much attention to me that Milo could leave.

"Well, I was gonna pour it and then a cute boyfriend of mine decided to make himself accessible."

"I'll get it," he'd offered, grabbing a cup out of his drain and rinsing it before moving to get ice. Pulling him back to me, I tried to keep his eyes on mine.

He looked confused, pushing me gently and I had nothing better to do than to grab his hands and take the cup from him, twining my gangly arms around his waist.

"I'm thirsty for something else now." I threw out, not knowing how else to distract him, hearing his brother snickering behind him, I had to hold Paul to me. Pulling him closer, I wrapped my arm around his neck and hugged his body to mine. I could feel his body tensing while hesitantly twining his own arms around my waist.

"Fuck, you're beautiful, baby."

My hips were in his hands and he wet his lips so sexily. Brown eyes swallowed me whole and a shiver ran up my spine.

Taking the initiative and placing my lips onto his jaw to seal the deal and get him to relax, I only hoped the rest of his family didn't walk in. Locking eyes with Milo, I widened mine and gestured with the hand behind Paul. Pushing it back, I watched thankfully as he caught the hint, backing up slowly and rounding the fridge until he was right behind Paul. Leaving out the entrance when my boyfriend pushed my hips into the counter.

Pulling off of his jaw, I felt him lift my body onto his mother's counter and I looked at him surprised, not expecting him to want it. Please don't walk in, please don't have any one else walk in. Trying to simmer down the look in his eyes, mine locked on his bottom lip tugged into his mouth and then on his chest and his muscles and fuck.

I hadn't felt that in a while, that feeling of just wanting Paul on me and I tried to remind myself where we were. Clearing my throat, I pushed his chest a little. "Just not in the kitchen."

"Really?" We hadn't been sexual in a long while, I'd been awkward with him for a few weeks as well so of course, his brows furrowed. My hands twining around his neck and into his hair, had definitely caught him off guard and I'm sure he was just as confused when he snapped back from the sexual trip he was on. Pulling back a little, his hands still lingered on my waist and I went to jump off the counter, his hands pressing down on my thighs preventing me.

Paul was a tad bit taller than me and a bit stronger in his upper body than me. He was so hot though, so extremely hot and he was patient, waiting for my words to signal whether or not I really wanted it.

And did I? Was I ready for us to actually do things again? To go back to the sexual frustration and release that we had been lacking? Recently, things felt so heavy and Paul and I barely kissed let alone touched, it was weird that even though it was just something to distract him, it wasn't... I did miss his body and I missed the way he held me and I missed the taste and feel of his skin. "Yes, really."

At that, it felt like something changed, his hands had loosened and his eyes defocused. Looking down, he tightened his grip on my thighs before letting go completely and I wondered what I said wrong. He asked a question and I answered it. "I- Jules..."

"Or not." Furrowing my brows, I was able to get off the counter, him backing up to allow me room and suddenly, I felt extremely