forty-five:: when he's finally frightened.

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[Benji; PRBLMS by 6lack]

FORTY-FIVE: when he's finally frightened.

"Jules, table twelve." I'd been zoning out, thoughts popping up in my head as they did pretty often when I was alone. I'd been at work, a stupid little fast food joint and I wasn't paying attention to anything. I hadn't broken down in a while, it was numb now, I was on autopilot.

Since the last time I'd seen my boyfriend -if I could still call him that- we weren't on good terms. He hadn't called me or answered any of the calls I initiated but I was okay. Death hadn't struck me, I wasn't gonna fall to my knees and cry, life went on. He wasn't everything I lived for, he was everything to me, sure but I could survive without Paul.

Maybe I liked to feel a bit poetic, I was very much in love with him but I couldn't stop the world from spinning because he didn't want to talk to or see me. As selfish as it was: Paul was the one pushing me away, I didn't do anything and I didn't need to keep focusing on something that wouldn't change just because I wanted it to.

But despite how much I told myself that I didn't need him to function, I still found myself wanting to go home and crawl under my covers sleeping for a year or two.

"Thanks." My voice was dull, not having the energy nor caring enough to put on a happy front.

"You good?" My coworker, James, had asked. He was a reasonably tall Islander college kid, he was cute but certainly not as cute as my boy- Paul. "You've been a little off lately." Tapping my shoulder, he squeezed me through my long sleeve with the restaurant name printed on it.

Faking a smile so he didn't feel even worse than shown in the pitiful look that he was giving me, I nodded, trying not to see completely pathetic. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure? Trouble in paradise?" James was a nice guy, he was, we could be friends if I got out of my head and stopped feeling bad over things I couldn't control. We'd bonded at my interview and he ended up training me on my first day, it'd been around a month since then and often we worked intertwined shifts.

"You could say that." He had brown eyes that reminded me too much of  Paul and a wide friendly smile. Being here longer than me, he'd been able to look out for me especially when I got like this. "Boy trouble, nothing much."

And he was straight, never seeming uneasy around the fact that I wasn't, Paul would like him. "Okay, well if you need to talk, I'll be here."

Ever since the diagnosis, everyone around me had been a bit overbearing; the guys never took their eyes off of me, all of them had been checking up on me. I hated being such a huge burden and I wondered if that was how Paul felt about me, I never seemed to give him as much attention as he did me.

There were a million things I would've done differently, the most frequent thought in my head was to not make everything about myself. I wouldn't listened to him, would've given him the space he needed, I was giving it to him now, wasn't I?

Mulling over my thoughts, James became preoccupied with texting his girlfriend, Christine, the one he raved about everyday. He was so in love with her, I envied it. I became lost thinking over everything.

It was officially a week since Paul and I had talked and that week consisted of work, school, and hanging out with the guys. I wasn't used to being away from him for so long and I'd missed him, a lot but I was giving him his space.

Or that's what Will told me to do when he'd dodged all eight of my calls the night he dropped me off and the days that followed. To take my mind off of him, we all ended up at that pizza place we went to the first time, apparently Will had a job here now and even though she wasn't supposed to, she'd been taking multiple breaks just to talk.

Somehow we ended back on the topic of what had happened a week before and they were all offering advice but my head was pounding in my hands again and I was empty. Void of literally everything expect for how much I missed him, I hadn't cried in a while.

I cried the first night, yeah, just the thought of him not wanting anything to do with me hitting me hard and I'd ended up a shaking mess. The second day was a Saturday and somehow I just ended up thinking about him as I sat on the couch beside my dad, maybe something in the movie we were watching had made my boyfriend flash through my mind. All I know is I was sitting there silently, tears falling down my face and before I could leave and clean my face in the bathroom, my dad had wrapped me in his arms.

I didn't tell him that I possibly sexually assaulted my boyfriend and he possibly didn't want anything to do with me, I didn't speak at all. Eventually, he let me go into my room without questions and checked up on me every few hours where he'd only see me laying in my bed and starting at the ceiling.

"Maybe he just doesn't bottom." Andy had tried, a hopefulness in his eyes. Ever since Paul found out about the kiss, things were weird between me and Andy but... he was still my friend. Coming out had made him even more open about things even if he did keep his relationship-thing, with Johnny Casey, a secret.

But even if he was right, that didn't seem right. Paul didn't seem like the type to flip out and not talk to me simply because he wanted to switch positions. He would've talked to me, he wouldn't have looked so scared.

"It was more than that, guys." And it kept replaying in my head: the waver in his voice, his scream, my back hitting the ground, the way he looked at me... "He looked terrified."

And Will's hand was on my back, rubbing gently as she attempted to soothe me, "What if he just wasn't ready?" She'd suggested and I mean, of course that was reasonable. Paul wasn't ready to go all the way, he'd stated that plenty of times, I knew it already. But sexual things didn't always mean sex which we'd also discussed a few times and me engaging in a few sexual things with him didn't mean I was pushing him to have sex.

"I wasn't trying to have sex with him." I wouldn't have minded, sure but the simple fact is: I knew he wasn't ready for sex and I thought I knew his boundaries, "I mean, I just, I was trying to-"

"Put his dick in your mouth?" Ben piped up, hitting the nail on the head and it was annoying how well he knew me.

Andy must've understood it because his voice was loud at that, my stomach churning at the thought that I'd forced Paul to do something he didn't want to do. What if he didn't stop me? What if he regretted it afterwards? "Ben!"

"What?" I wanted to throw up, I was a perv, I was a jerk, I'd nearly sexually harassed my boyfriend. "I know how it works, kinda."

"I just don't get it." He'd said I didn't do anything he didn't want me to do, he said it wasn't my fouls but that felt like a lie and all of a sudden, I was wondering how many things I'd done that he didn't feel comfortable with. Did he feel this way every time we kissed? Every time I touched him sexually?

"What's not to get? You put his dick in your mouth and-"

But I couldn't even laugh at that, I had so much on my mind so quickly cutting Ben off, my head fell in my hands and I tried to feel like less of an asshole. "No." I'd groaned, my thoughts rushing around too fast inside my head and I felt a headache in the making. "I don't get why he's being so weird. I mean, he's had sex before, we've, you know, done stuff... it's just weird."

"He doesn't owe you anything, J." Will spoke up, attempting to get me to calm down but really, that made me even more anxious. Did I make it seem like he owed me something?

"I know."

She wasn't finished and I wanted to crawl in a hole and bury myself, what if this is how he perceived me? "And you can't make him do things because you think he's ready to do them."

"He doesn't have to do anything with me, I just, I wanna know why he suddenly changed his mind. Does that make me a bad guy?"

"No, you wasn't doing anything wrong, he asked you to stop and you did, stop stressin'." Ben had cut in, stopping me from apologizing to someone who wasn't even included in the problem, "you're not making it any better, chill." The pointed look at his sister had shut her up and she raised her hands in surrender.

"Just trying to help."

That was days ago and my heart was still heavy with that talk, they thought that I'd pressured him, they thought I was just mad I didn't get something out of him and that made me sick.

Taking my break after serving the next few tables, I sat around with James as he tried to talk to me, about what? I didn't know. I just knew that the day could not be going by any slower and I sipped from the slushie he'd made me, trying to pay attention to the story he was telling and hoping he wouldn't notice that I hadn't cared all that much.

: : :

Being in love with someone who wouldn't talk to you... really fucking sucked.

"I just want to know why." Okay, so not stressing myself out about Paul wasn't working as well as I'd hoped. I was stressed, I was really stressed and I just wanted to talk it out, Paul being mad at me was a horrible feeling.

"Then ask, you can do that, you know?" Andy had spoken up, he'd been trying to convince me that I didn't have to worry about anything if I just talked about my problem. I'd been trying to talk to him. "You stopped, doesn't mean you can't ask why it happened as long as you accept the answer he gives, regardless of whether or not you think it's the right answer."

What happens when I'm not the one being secretive? When I'm the one wanting to talk it out but he keeps pushing me away, can I really fix it?

"Talk to him." I'd been trying, I really had and they knew this but now apparently that was all I could do, "we can't give you answers, you know him better than any of us."

It was silent. Reaching for my phone to unlock it, I stopped at the picture on my home screen. It was a picture of Paul and I at an art show he was invited to, he was laughing at something, a pamphlet held up to his mouth and eyes squeezed tight. We were sitting on a bench and he just looked so cute in his big jean jacket.

"What if something happened to him?" That question had cut me off, Caspar's voice sounding through my thoughts and I turned my phone over to stop myself from doing something stupid.

Instantly dismissing it, I shook my head. He didn't keep extremely important shit from me. "That doesn't make any sense, he would've told me." But he did, he kept shit from me, in Paul's words, some things were "personal."

"People tend to keep very hurtful things to themselves. You said he was hiding things before." Will added in and I somewhat regretted telling them nights before. I'd been on FaceTime with Ben and we were playing GTA online. It was a normal conversation until Ben mentioned something he'd seen on Paul's twitter. "What if he's just not ready to tell you?"

He'd deleted the tweet right after but it still hurt to know that I couldn't help him.

"No, I know Paul." Then how come he tweeted it instead of talking to me or answering any of my calls? I was a horrible boyfriend and he couldn't depend on me as much as I thought he could apparently... or at least that was what I was convinced as I couldn't fucking breathe and tears were shooting out of my fucking eyes, Ben calling Will in the room to calm me down.

"J..."

"No, he was fine before, I-I don't see how anything could've happened to him. We've done things together, it's not new." I didn't mean to snap and I was slightly surprised that Andy didn't flinch back. "He was fine the first time."

"Even if you've done it before doesn't mean he's okay with doing it again."

"I didn't say he had to."

"We're gonna hang out today." Ben had spoken up, attempting to lighten the mood and end a stare off I was having with his sister. "You up for it?" I really wasn't, I wanted to go home. I truly didn't wanna be here, sitting in Ben's room and talking about this.

"Yeah, come on, get your mind off things." Andy had suggested, punching my shoulder but I wasn't in the mood for anything. Laying back on Ben's bed, I sighed at the ceiling, Will coming to cuddle into my side. Maybe it was a  form of comfort or maybe it was her apologizing for the talk we'd had a few days before, I didn't know but I welcomed it.

"I-I'm not-"

"J." She said softly, rubbing my shoulder at that and it helped me calm down. Caspar's eyes were on me, unrecognizable look on his face but it made me uneasy. Did he actually like Will?

But his problems were his problems and i was done with trying to solve people's problems, as selfish as that sounded. Solving Andy's problem led to him kissing me, solving Calum's problem led to tears, and trying to solve my boyfriend's problems led to him not wanting to be near me. "Do you think he doesn't want to be with me anymore?"

"We can't tell you that, he's the one who decides that." She answered but didn't really answer and it seemed like we were running in circles.

"But I think you should stop freaking out." Ben said, standing up and gripping my arm and yanking. I didn't expect it as Will let me go and i went tumbling off his bed. "Come on, let's go." Laying on my back, I glared up at a cheesing Ben, gripping the car keys from a car his mom never used.

"Where?" Dramatically rubbing the back of my head, I glared up at my friend who's smile was wide as hell, he just did things sometimes but I loved being around him.

'I don't love him, I just love being around him.'

Yeah, these thoughts were getting to be too much. "Catch a movie maybe?" Ben had suggested, snapping me out of my thoughts and all I could think of was how Paul's arched movies: he would be so focused on the screen, not speaking but cuddled up against me and occasionally I'd whine because I wanted his attention only for him to give me a soft kiss that left me weak in the knees. I missed him so much. "Go to the lake? I don't know, you need to get out this house."

I could see how bad they wanted me to feel better but I just couldn't force it. Faking a small smile, I nodded to make ben feel better, my gloom had been rubbing off on him and he didn't deserve that. "You know some guys from the team wanted to have an actual end of the season party." Andy had suggested and I really wasn't feeling a party but everyone else was open to the idea. "I could text Johnny and ask if he knows anything about that?"

"Ooo Johnny." I'd teased and Ben laughed at that. They were so dating.

"Shut up." Andy was trying to force a straight face. "He's a friend."

Yeah, a friend you make out with in the locker rooms after practice.

"Whatever you say," Ben trailed off, gripping my hands and pulling me up to stand and I obliged. They were trying to make me feel better, least I could do was try, "text him, and we're gonna do something today."

: : :

It was hot as hell, my skin was red since we'd been out there for so long, I was so sensitive both inside and outside. We were at somebody's party in somebody's pool from seven to the middle of the night. Apparently that somebody was a team member but I'd never been good at names. I didn't wanna do anything, laying on this pool chair and checking my phone was easier.

"Julian, just get in the water." Ben had spoken, his skin glistening in the motherfucking pool and I thought about how much I'd rather be swimming with Paul. I must've really loved that man cause Ben was hot and his trunks were hanging low and clinging to his dick and all I could think of was my boyfriend.

"I don't want to."

"Put your phone down before you start crying again, man." Ben had rolled his eyes, laying back in the pool and I wondered how he was still in there, it'd been hours. "You both need space from each other."

"I don't want space." Especially not when he was tweeting all this off the wall stuff alluding to shit that I didn't want to imagine him going through.

"I know." Andy had spoken and I could tell he didn't know, I mean the guy he was into was here and their relationship seemed so easy. "But if there's no space how is he gonna miss you?" Maybe it was easy because it just started, I didn't know all I knew was things with Paul had just been so difficult lately and I didn't know how to fix it.

"Get in the water before I toss you in." Caspar had sighed, rolling his eyes as he sat beside me on one of the pool chairs. His shorts were dropping with water and there was hair in his eyes as he jerked his head towards the pool. Andy's boy toy was on the other side of me, he was quiet. We'd barely talked... ever... but he seemed a little on edge anyways.

"Whatever."

"Hey, can I see your phone? Mine died and I kinda have to call my mom."

That's why I thought nothing of it when he frowned at his phone and I handed mine over. "Alright."

In a split second, I was lifted from the chair I was sitting on. Fighting to be let down, I was surprised when he locked his pale arms around me. Caspar was stronger than he looked and he was slippery so I couldn't even grip onto his body.

With a big smile in my face, he threw me into the pool, the cold water hitting me instantly before I was engulfed completely. "Caspar!"

"Warned you." He shrugged and Johnny handed him my phone with a sheepish smile. That little dick, I could see why Andy liked him.

"Give me my phone." Attempting to swim towards the edge of the pool and get out, Ben latched onto my foot and pulled me back, "Caspar, give me my phone."

"No," coming to the edge, he smiled at me cynically, "we're gonna have fun today, you need it." Splashing some water at me, he laughed and backed up and that's how the day went on with my friends trying to get me out of my funk.

I tugged my shirt off, tossing it on the concrete and hoping it would dry before I found myself escaping my friends.

I planned on leaving soon, that was all I knew. I had a Law and Order binge waiting for me.

"The fuck happened to your back?"

Maybe it was the numbness that stopped it from hurting. Ben's words kinda shocked me back into reality and all of a sudden my back was burning.

"Nothing." I remembered falling off his bed again.

I remembered the fear in his eyes.

"J."

"I said it's nothing, Ben. Leave it alone."

He nodded, biting his tongue, turning back to the group almost immediately at the bite in my voice. And I hoisted my body back up on the edge, feet in the water, heart in my knees.

: : :

Later that night, we'd been

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