[Face by Brockhampton]

FIFTY-THREE: when one door closed is another one opened.

His house still looked exactly the same.

There was still the missing pillar in the side gate from when Calum went riding into it with his dirt bike in the seventh grade. His mother had yelled at him back then, the memory still felt so funny looking back on it: he'd been trying to show me this new trick he learned and ended up moving too fast, falling into the gate, as a consequence, we'd spent the next week and a half repainting the nursery for his little sister. And it's easy to figure out how that would end before it even started due to Calum's 26 in art that year, there was baby pink paint on my old Radiohead t-shirt.

That shirt used to be my dad's and I remember stealing it from him to impress Calum who was in his grunge phase, messy hair and jeans that drug in the mud over his dingy and dirty converse. Back when middle school had hit us, Calum would try way too hard to fit in, I was just fine with him being my only friend but he always had this yearning for other people's acceptance and really, that should've been telling. That shirt was way too big for me back then and I never really grew into it, my sister wore it as a dress now.

Running my fingers over the doorbell, I tried not to think of the last time I'd been at this house but that was hard when everything was so him. Everything had felt like Calum and everything had a memory to it, the side window that looked so different from the others, it had been replaced by my dad the summer before 9th grade... Calum was helping me condition for soccer tryouts and he wouldn't let me give up despite how shitty I had been. Pushing away those memories, I thankfully remembered the one step I always used to forget, I'd remembered tripping over it while staring at the back of a blond head, my bottom lip in my mouth as I tried to figure out why he looked so good in his sweaty football jersey.

I'd taken a few minutes to press the button, my mind running through scenarios, I could have left, I really could have hopped back in my car and driven to my house. My boyfriend was out of town again and despite me needing my friends' input, I still wanted to talk to him, but I didn't because I knew it would worry him -this was something I had to do on my own. I was over Calum but there was this fear in the pit of my stomach that encased me when I watched the bell blink and minutes go by, me standing on his porch and deliberating.

It was nearing two minutes now and my hands were sweating, my therapist often told me to count out moments and let them pass but this moment was way too long and when I'd been nearing the 116th second, the door had started to unlock until it was opening and a short brunette woman with the deepest of eyes was standing on the other side, a shimmering smile on her face. When she'd seen me, she seemed to light up, her messy ponytail bobbing with her as she inched forward excitedly and enveloped me in a hug. "Julian."

"Hi." Just the sight of her made me calmer than before, I hadn't expected her to be here, it was two p.m. on a weekday.

"Well, I haven't seen you in forever sweetheart, how are you? Wow, you've grown so much."

And she was right... I had gotten taller, I had a new haircut, the clothes were more polished but I know the main thing was the fact that I was bigger than before. I'd gained so much since I was last there. A year prior, Calum was only a few inches shorter but he definitely had me on muscle mass. Since the pills made my weight fluctuate, a part of the few weeks without Paul, Andy and I hit the gym. I wasn't necessarily bulky and my arms were still scrawny as hell but I know my body was more firm, toned in a way and I didn't love how I looked but it was a noticeable change.

Olivia Cain had noticed and the way she grabbed at my face almost instantly, it made me feel both at home and anxious. It was almost maternal and my mother was always hard on me, come to think of it, his father was always hard on him. And Paul's family functioned the same, maybe hard and soft balanced out relationships, Paul and I were both the soft-careful kinds but he had this fire in him, I could see it.

But maybe, hard and soft didn't always work because my parents were separated and so were Calum's. I wondered if Paul's dad was as stern as he gave off, maybe it was just because of me.

Pulling her hands off my face, I gave her that smile she'd always been able to pull out of me, she always felt like my mother as much as Calum's and I missed her, I did. Laughing at the way she swatted my hands away, I went to offer a "It's nice seeing you too, Olivia."

And she beamed at that, "I assume you're here for Calum." she didn't know anything about Calum, she never did, even if they were kind of close... his personal life was too far beyond what they talked about and I guarantee he didn't tell her about any of it considering my father never pressed charges. I wasn't sure what he told her when she inquired about me -if she did- but I didn't sense any uneasiness in her voice so I brushed all worry away. "Or are you here to raid my fridge?" Despite the falling out I couldn't ignore how much I loved his mother.

"Is it offensive to say both?" I'd inquired, not at all serious, and she led me into the house and to the living area that felt so similar. Nothing had changed, despite a few trophies on the shelf with all of her kids' accomplishments, Calum's cap and homecoming game football sat pretty next to two diplomas and some of his older brother, Eric's, things.

When she wasn't looking, I took in my surroundings, everything was the same except it felt so different, I somehow felt stranger in this house that was my second home for almost eight years. His house was hospitable and cozy a mere year ago but now, I was cold, running my hand over the back of the couch, I thought of that night his parents were out of town, the night he convinced me that laying together on the couch was okay because he needed the warmth. He was so sad back then and I was naive, there was something so innocent about that night, we had just started sophomore year and I was 15. I was in that awkward chubby stage and my hair wasn't as brown as it was years later, I was nearly ginger and he was my only friend.

I was 15 and I didn't know that I wanted to kiss boys, I didn't think kissing boys was okay and I remembered the second time was a few weeks after that, it was his bed then and I'd held him through a breakdown about his dad. He never told me what it was about but he was just so upset and he was my best friend, I held him again, for the second time ever. And I was 15.

Those small holds led to drunken cuddling and drunken cuddling led to drunken kisses with his hands everywhere at some shitty high school party that he denied ever happened and I was so in love with him, I assumed he hadn't remembered but I did. I did and I noticed that everything had changed, almost like he'd flipped a switch, I pretended like I didn't notice. "Calum!"

And I was in the house where it all started, I wasn't ready. I was gonna leave, make up some excuse and get the hell out of there because I hadn't thought far enough about this and Calum was going to ignore what had happened anyways so why not do the same?

I convinced myself that it was best for me to leave right when his voice had interrupted my train of thought and I had never felt more simultaneously relieved and gut-punched in my entire life.

"Yeah?"

"Come here!" His mother had demanded and a pause ensued before footsteps had descended the stairs and my heart dropped at the sight of blond hair, Calum on his phone as he rounded the bar of the staircase and paused.

"Dad's picking up Taylor, I already-" And upon seeing me, his movement halted and almost instantly he looked probably how I had looked before I'd thrown up all over his shoes. He was in a white tee and some basketball shorts, his socks were a plain black and they matched. Paul's socks never really matched, "Ian." He hadn't called me that in years, not since we left middle school, I was Jules from then on because people consistently got confused on what my name was.

He only called me Ian in private and even then, I hadn't been called that in so long it felt foreign. I chose not to address it as I knew it was only because his mother was there, he hadn't told her anything. "Hi."

And his mother seemed to notice the change in tone  because almost instantly she went to leave the room, "I don't care what your father said either, you're still picking her up!" And hearing that brought back nostolgia, I hadn't seen Taylor in so long... Taylor was his little sister, she was twelve by now. But wait, his father? He'd told me his dad left, was that another lie?

There was something off about the way Calum spoke to me after that statement though, he wouldn't look me in the eyes  -which wasn't Calum-esque- and he shuffled his feet as we stood in silence. At some point, he'd ended up putting his phone in his pocket and it didn't stop buzzing, something told me it was that boy he was kissing and maybe it was the way Calum was shuffling around, his movements tended to be extremely fidgety when he was guilty of something, a reason I'd always teased him for. He seemed a little off though, his eyes wouldn't meet mine and he wouldn't even reach for his phone to check his notifications.

His mother was gone then and I wasn't quite sure when she left, only that I was slightly nervous now that she wasn't there to keep things so fake and formal, it was real now and that ease she brought, she also took with her.

After a few moments of silence, Calum stepped back, wrapping his fingers around the banister of the stairs and gesturing towards them. He didn't say anything, just made his way up and expected me to follow, which I did reluctantly. I don't know why I had decided to leave then and I wasn't sure if I would regret it.

The walls had one or two frames on it as all his real pictures were in the trophy case but there was a picture of the blue eyed boy at Martindale beach, the same beach that we would later spend hours on end at. He was around ten and his smile was so wide, snorkels almost to big and his little scrawny body was covered in sand. I remembered meeting this boy and not quite knowing what it meant to have a best friend but somehow I knew he'd end up being very important to me. We were kids then yet I was so drawn to him and I was out of frame as we hadn't met yet but this was the trip that I begged my dad to take me on.

I remembered that day like it was yesterday, my father had realized then that he wasn't very good at dividing his time between seven year old Jade, my mother, and me and he had been taking me out to eat. At this point, kids were so mean, I was never bullied but I was pretty. ostracized and as a kid, I didn't understand it. All I understood was we were eating in some little shack somewhere near the beach since Lake Michigan was way too far and my dad had told me he had a surprise.

This surprise led to me building a sand castle with some tiny blond haired boy. I would later learn that the wavy hair and bright blue eyes had a name, Calum Cain and he lived five minutes away from me.

When we'd made it into his room, Calum took the few minutes I'd been spacing out to straighten up a bit, me sitting down on the chair next to his messy desk, he didn't seem like he was taking a seat anytime soon. As he cleaned, I got my thoughts together, I hadn't come here to be sentimental, I wasn't quite sure what I had expected to get out of this anyways. His room was still the same although, he had changed. His hair was much longer than it had been that day on the bleachers and he was in lounge clothes, he looked to be gaining a few pounds that wasn't necessarily a bad thing but he looked... tired.

Grazing over a few papers on his desk, I went to help him organize, stopping at the picture frame that had most definitely been broken the last time I was here. And then I thought back to what his mom had said. "He's back?"

Calum didn't seem to understand until he'd looked up from kicking his dirty clothes into a ball in the corner. Almost instantly, he turned back around, continuing what he was doing. "For the moment." He spoke nonchalantly, although his body language told a different story and I knew he wanted me to let it go, "he- uh- he's really excited for me."

But I didn't, I pressed the issue like always. "Why?" And I didn't think he was going to respond when he seemingly ignored that, going to finish sorting through the clothes on his bed and shove them into drawers before messily pulling up the covers. Calum never cleaned and this was weird, he wasn't the type to try and impress anyone that came into his house, he was the type to wear the same pair of gym shorts for a week in a row because he didn't give any fucks and here he was straightening up.

When he'd finally been done with that, he walked over and I expected him to take the frame from me but he only soften through a few papers and grabbed a stack of envelopes, dropping them down in front of me. The logos caught my eye as I set the carelessly glued frame down and took them into my hands, thumbing through them. "Alabama, Penn State, UCLA, Stanford," he had gotten into all of these places? "Cal." Even with an athletic scholarship, these were so impressive and joy swelled in my chest as I looked up at his soft smile.

He was just staring at me then and it made me slightly uncomfortable, my throat clear knocked him back and he went to sit on the edge of his bed, explaining in one word. "Cal." His hands were clasped together in front of him and the look in his eyes said he hadn't been expecting anything like that. I regretted it instantly.

"Sorry, its a habit."

But as I went to correct myself, he spoke up and I found myself recoiling inside. "I miss it." Staying put, my stance stayed rigid as I sat straight up in the seat, my eyes not even dusting across his as I felt ocean blues on the front of my face. "I miss you," that seemed so sincere that I felt myself looking up at him, trying to not feel awkward at the way I was correct and he was just looking at me.

We just sat there, my intention for this conversation being hindered by how unexpectedly sweet Calum was being and I tried my best not to be awkward because I didn't feel that same melting feeling I used to feel. I didn't feel how I felt when Paul told me how pretty I was or when he just smiled at me, I just felt awkward. "And about what you saw-"

He was trying to explain himself and I wasn't sure what I came here for because I didn't want to hear him rehash the seconds that led up to me ruining his shoes with my vomit. "Its none of my business."

"You saw it though." And I saw it but it was still none of my business, just like all those kids saw me pouring my heart out to him, it wasn't any of their business either.

"Are you gay?" I wasn't sure why I asked, maybe to see if he would keep denying it and the closeted kid inside of him was silenced as he spoke quickly and dismissively, disconnecting eyes with me and his phone buzzed again behind him on his bed. He didn't move to check it.

"Calum, you were really into it and I only saw a second."

And he had no way to deny that so he completely owned up to it without really owning up to it. "I was drunk, okay?" And he was drunk the times he'd kissed me, I'd give him that but he didn't have that same flush on his face he got when he was drunk and he moved way too fast to be drunk when he was trying to catch up with the boy who dashed out of the bathroom. I was sure they had done more than what he was doing that day as well, he moved way too comfortably to have it been the first time he was kissing Aaron.

"Is that him?"

Screwing his eyes shut, he tried to defend himself. "Julian-"

But I didn't care because he was lying to me, we were friends way too long for him to try and lie about something so obvious. "You kiss boys every time you're drunk?" And it hurt, knowing that he didn't trust me even when he was the one who broke my trust consistently.

"I-I'm not, its not like that." But it was and it was okay, he was conflicted and it was fine to feel that way but the way he was dismissing it left a bitter taste in my mouth along with a slight pinch of relief, he was more upset with himself than he was with me. That didnt make me feel much better but the way he was stuttering made me loosen my judgmental tone.

"It's okay."

He was overwhelmed then, his eyes on his hands as they sat in his lap and I hadn't seen him that vulnerable since he'd found out about his father's second family. "...I-I don't-" His phone buzzing repeatedly had shocked him into silence and he went to grab it, interrupting the ringing by putting it on silent.

There was more than enough tension in the air and I tried my best not to ignite the anger in him, tried my best to keep things from getting hostile but the way he was looking at me then, I couldn't help but address the elephant in the room. "Calum, you kissed me. You know it, I know it." With a shake of my head, I thought about my own acceptance of liking men, it was odd and it was so new that it terrified me but it was apart of who I was now.

And the first time Paul had confronted me about my sexuality in public was weighing on me, the speech he'd given, the compassion in his voice... I had to have some of that compassion now because no one had it for Calum, no one. "I know its hard to accept, I know it is but you're never going to be happy hiding yourself."

"I'm not h-hiding myself-"

I knew it would provoke him. "What do you call it then?" And I watched him explode.

"Huh?" He was confused and my voice was raising now, I had to get some kind of answer, some reaction, this wasn't all for nothing.

It started with a tremor, "What the hell do you call it because kissing boys and being straight doesn't fit in the same fucking category!" It was weird, since taking control of my life and becoming more secure in myself, it was easier to stand up for myself and Calum didn't expect it. I had always been a pushover, I had always been the little puppy the t would trail behind him with everything he did but now, I was in front of him and I was confronting him.

And I wasn't backing down.

Calum letting out a shaky breath but I kept persisting, he wasn't gonna let me in if I didn't force my way. "I don't know!" That was it, he had stood up at that, yelling back at me and I watched as he covered his eyes, falling back into place instead of advancing on me, I watched as he fought the urge to instantly hit me.

And instead, he rested his head in his hands and his body shook with hitched breathing. We stayed like that for a while.

There wasn't much remorse, and that shocked me, here he was breaking down in front of me, because of me... and I didn't care. I didn't care when he sunk back down onto his bed and laid all the way back, sighing heavily as if the world was on his shoulders because just short of eight months ago, I had to live with that same feeling times ten and I had no one to comfort me.

He must've taken my silence as threatening because he kept talking;  if he was trying to explain himself or justify his actions, I didn't know but I did know that I needed to listen.

"O-okay? Is that okay? Is it wrong that I don't fucking know why I do the shit I do?" Sitting up, he was shaking his head, rubbing a hand down his blotchy face and I fought the instant