[Hold Me Down by Daniel Caesar; Pablo Luis Martinez-Jones]

THERE IS MATURE CONTENT IN THIS CHAPTER. IT'S NOT THAT SIGNIFICANT TO THE PLOT SO IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE READING THINGS LIKE THIS, I'LL GIVE YOU A WARNING BEFORE IT STARTS AND WHEN IT ENDS.

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT, SELF-HARM MENTIONED, NOTHING too GRAPHIC.

FIFTY-FOUR: when pauly met jules.

We didn't acknowledge the love thing after he'd said it. I was completely sure that this was something that he wanted to talk about in person and I tried to ignore how sad that made me. Paul had already told me something like this before and he hadn't meant it as much as I did and getting my hopes up now would only spark the match used to incinerate my feelings later. I was doing that thing where I pretended like it didn't bother me, pretending had become increasingly hard to do though.

It was almost as if my feelings were something like Pandora's box, once I opened up I couldn't shut down like before. I had become used to talking about my feelings or coping with my feelings that keeping them to myself felt like an impossible chore.

It wasn't all bad though, our relationship had never been stronger, my father and I talked frequently and I could safely say that I was realizing that the way I felt was valid.

Still, I knew that Paul had his reasons for what he said and how he reacted to things so I grazed over it. I could tell from his sigh that he was somewhat relieved that we wouldn't hash it out right then, we exchanged some sentiments and then he'd hung up.

That was for the best because, even if it did throw me into a spiral of me trying to distract myself from the fact that maybe we'd never get there, it got my mind off of the blond who had bulldozed through my life yet again and I couldn't help the fact that it felt like a new wound, I had kept it suppressed though, shaky breath leaving me. A mixture of sadness and optimism weighed me down and stretched me out like a game of tug-of-war.

It was around two hours later when my front door had opened, footsteps ascending my stairs and I sat there sketching in a book Paul had gotten me a while back. During my first few months in therapy, Paul had made sure to attend a few meetings with me and one day in particular, he'd pulled up in front of a craft store afterwards. I wasn't quite sure what he was doing when he'd drug me out of the car and -due to it being a rough day- I had held my head down to hide my rosy, tear-stained cheeks. I was in sweats and he still made sure to assure me of how good I looked as he led me through the aisles, holding my hand until we'd gotten to the drawing section of the store and he'd told me to pick out a sketchbook I wanted.

There was something so intimate about how he wrapped me in his arms then, craning his neck over my shoulder and his hand grazing the books as he explained the differences and the sizes and which ones I could paint in and then over the different tools and media and I had sunk into his frame, listening to everything. He was taller than me, yeah I was bigger, but in these moments, he had made me feel so small and secure.

"Hi, baby." He'd spoken once he'd knocked on my door a few times and I had called out a greeting, him stumbling in with a few shopping bags and a little duffle that he'd carried while traveling. I knew he had come straight here and the thought of being the first one he went to see made my heart warm.

He was dressed nicer than usual, a white button up rolled up to quarter sleeve and some dark jeans clinging -perfectly tailored- to his thighs.

Smiling, I watched as he threw his bags down before jumping onto the bed beside me and shoving his face into my chest, trying to gain my attention. I'd set the sketchbook in my hand down, gently, smiling at the way he instantly wrapped me in his embrace and I had to laugh at the way he huffed when he couldn't get comfortable, until he'd draped his entire body on top of mine and went to kiss my lips gingerly. It was a slow kiss but it was also sweet and I felt his fingers brushing my cheek with such care before pulling away and pecking me once more.

"I missed you." I did, my voice hoarse from not speaking for so long and I felt him smile into my skin as he laid back down and wrapped his arms around my waist.

For some reason, it brought a fuzzy feeling to my chest and my heart beat quickened, I felt more at home than before despite the fact that I'd been in my own house for hours. It was crazy how he could make me feel so safe just by being there. I loved this time with him and I was so happy about how simple time apart could make my heart grow fonder because it felt like I hadn't seen him in weeks when it was just a few days and all I wanted to do was hold him.

Raking a hand through his curls, I held his body to mine and we spoke casually about the outcome of his sale, him beaming when he told me of an upcoming art show he was not only attending but participating in. This summer was going to be a mark for his career and I was ecstatic.

"What have you been up to?" He'd asked somewhere between him showing me a picture of a new piece he had finished, one he was considering on showcasing... I wasn't sure when that transitioned to planning a beach trip for the following week but he was laying on his back then. Head in my lap, he stretched my fingers for me, cracking the bones despite my refusal. Paul had a penchant for weird things like cracking my bones and plucking my brows during his free time, I was only thankful he wasn't into pimple-popping like Jade. Shaking the disgust from my body, I pulled my hand out of his, allowing him to grab the other as I went for the sketchbook I had been busy with before he had arrived.

Flipping to the page I was on, I showed him, careful not to smear the lead with my hand, I already had those smudges on the side. How he drew without getting it everywhere was beyond me. "I've been doing that thing where I draw the bamboo."

"That one's nice." He smiled, tilting his head to look over at me and with a small smile, he ran the pads of his slightly-calloused fingertips over the edges of the paper, humming soft. "Can I have it?" he questioned after a while after admiration and I furrowed my brows at his request. He was an artist and he wanted something that I made?

"Sure?" he'd just nodded, carefully ripping it out the book and placing it to the side, folding the book back closed and sitting up before placing both objects on my gaming chair. And he just looked at me then, almost calculating, as if he were waiting for something.

I smiled, trying to pull the weight from the tenseness in the air, he smiled back at me but it seemed like he wanted to say something. Really, I felt as if him saying anything would do nothing to alleviate the pressure. Clearing my throat, I looked back down, trying to avoid his intense gaze.

It was quiet, "have you eaten?" And when I shook my head, he stuttered a bit before I heard him getting off my bed and rustling through a few things. I wasn't sure why I felt so embarrassed but maybe it was because he didn't say anything about it yet and the anticipation was hitting me. "Here." Ever since leaving his family home, Paul had been introducing me to all kinds of food I had never tried, I mean, I liked the basics but I wasn't used to any authentic or traditional Mexican food so when he had time, he would make something for me. It was weird but I knew he felt bad for never letting me in on this part of him, and he was excited, I could tell. The music he played would have a few songs completely in Spanish now and he cooked more.

I wasn't complaining as I wasn't eating out that often anymore but I wasn't 100% serious when I had asked him to cook heavenly food every day.

What he had handed me was a foil package, pulling it out of a brown paper bag and I started to unfold it. Since eating food that he had cooked a few times, I had realized that some things I would have never thought to put together could be great. "Mm, what's in this?" I had asked after taking a few bites. I wasn't sure what it was but it kind of tasted like vegetables, a little spicy but not unbearable. Everything he had me try was spicy somehow.

"Its vegetarian so black bean, guacamole, um there's some corn, jalapeños." Leaning over in front of me, he took a bite from the burrito I was holding and through his chewing, he smiled at me before finishing up with what ingredients he used. "Some carrots too, Rilee's on some health kick and I've been trying to teach Lanny that healthy food can be good too." His mouth was stuffed and I wasn't sure when Paul stopped being extra with his manners while eating but he was talking through his food, we were so comfortable with each other.

And all that ran through my head was his confession, it was small, there wasn't much bass in his voice. But he had told me that he loved me and now we weren't even speaking about it. Did he not mean it again? Was it a problem?

"Thank you." My voice was small and I tried to keep it from shaking, from giving too much away. As a distraction, I tried to focus more on what I was eating.

It was actually really good, I mean, it wasn't something I would order or ask for or even try to make but it wasn't bad. Over the past few months, I had become more secure in my own self and a better lifestyle was in the makings, I was less self-conscious yet more conscious with what I surrounded myself with. The food I put in my body helped with my energy almost as much as having him to pull me out of the confines of my bed or having my job to force me to get up every other day. The schedule was extremely flexible and from my falling off the face of the earth and requesting a few weeks off for my mental health things, I rarely had to work more than three days a week.

I mean, it was a start, getting back into the flow of leaving my house more than often and it was getting easier to be productive.

Now, I understood his need to cope alone and deal with things alone because even though I did call him after, meeting with Calum and my own terms had made me realize that I liked making decisions about my own health, the accomplishment left me feeling like my own choices could benefit me. There was something so self-assuring and reflective in these moments; Paul wouldn't be there all the time, I had to learn to stand up for myself and thats what I did, I stood my ground. Even when it got deeper, I knew my own limits now and I knew how to react to things that threw me into distress.

"You relaxed?" He'd asked after a little silence and I nodded in response, not even uncomfortable with how he was basically watching me eat and I focused more on what was playing on my tv, I wasn't sure when I had stopped watching it. "Okay."

And instead of tiptoeing around the topic, Paul waited until I was done eating and sat up, not fully in front of me. "What did he say?" I wasn't quite sure I was ready for the conversation we had to have. I had done enough beating around the bush, however, and I was planning on telling him earlier that day. I just had to fake confidence as much as I could.

That proved to not be as successful though, my voice coming out rushed, a stutter sinking in between my words. "I-I a-a-asked-"

"Slow down." he was looking at me with slight concern, embarrassment creeping up my neck but Paul had told me never to feel embarrassed around him and whereas I would've assumed I was annoying him... I tried to convince myself that he cared enough to listen.

I love you too, I love you too, I love you too.

"Can you tell me about it?" But him caring enough to listen didn't mean I had enough courage to tell.

"Can we just make out for a bit?"

And he sighed although a smile stayed on his face. "No, Jules-"

"You don't wanna kiss me?"

He frowned then, no longer a hint of amusement on his face, it was getting obvious how serious he was and that made it so real so I tried to breathe. "Stop changing the subject."

That was getting progressively harder, my lungs constricting as if I wasn't letting enough air through the more I spoke but I tried to explain the situation to the best of my abilities without letting it overwhelm me. "I a-asked him if he was gay and if that was why he hurt me a-and we... talked about it, we- we talked about the party and him outing me a-and he apologized." I recalled how distraught he had looked and tried my best not to chalk it up to anything he had said as being true. "That was the most serious I'd ever seen him and- and he, he kind of- um-"

He kind of told me that he's in love with me but it wasn't even kind of, he was so sure that he loved me and I don't know how to react because I didn't think anything he said could affect me anymore but... but the guy I love doesn't say it back, I mean he does but then it's like it never happened and the boy I had convinced myself didn't deserve me was saying things... these things that you haven't.

"Did he kiss you?" Almost.

"No." I reassured even though I wanted to scream at the thought. Paul didn't love me, Calum had said it before Paul. Why was this suddenly hitting me so hard? Why did it feel like such a problem? I didn't have an issue yesterday.

But today wasn't yesterday and today the new Calum Cain -who felt slightly like the old Calum Cain- had told me that he was in love with me. Why did I care that Paul hadn't said it? Maybe it was because he was acting as if he hadn't turned my world upside down just by professing it and that had to be a sign. "I-I mean he tried but..." I didn't let him get that far because I love you. "He told me that he's in love with me."

He was weary, almost cautious and I didn't know how to read his question. "What did you say?" Was that all he had to say? And he seemed like he didn't want to hear the answer and just the idea of him thinking that I'd respond any other way than the way that I did had my heart hurting.

"That you don't put the people you love in the hospital or make them feel like- like they're nothing." I'd gasped out, willing my voice to stay level and my eyes were on my hands then, watching as he reached out to take it in his and my breathing stuttered.

"You're not nothing, Jules." My ribcage felt all too small to hold the swelling of my heart after he had said that with the most caring brown eyes but there was still a nagging in the back of my head that had me perplexed.

I love you too, I love you too, I love you too.

Shaking my head, I tried to rid all remnants of the phone call. The way he spoke it was still stuck in my mind, how I could just picture the way he had a soft smile on his face, left corner of his bottom lip pulled into his mouth. "I don't feel like that anymore, sure, I have shitty days but low days aren't that anymore." Trying to ignore how badly I suddenly wanted to kiss him, how I wanted to confront his words but knew that it would only cause him to retreat, I sighed. "He's scared Paul, and I understand it, y'know?" And I did but I could barely focus on Calum, I was barely upset at this point, just confused. How was I supposed to react when he wasn't acknowledging it, how was I supposed to feel?

"Do you believe him?"

And that question snapped me back, all the emotions hitting me at once; I realized I wasn't as detached as I thought. Did I believe him? Did I give him that power over me? "I believe that he feels some kind of l-love for me, we were best friends for a reason, I just d-dont think he's in love with me."

He continued with the ominous questions and it was making my head hurt now. "Are you in love with him?"

No. "I'm in love with you."

"But, are you in love with him?" There was something hidden in there, almost as if he were afraid of the answer and I knew then how sincere he was. I could see the same hesitation I saw in his eyes every time ours met these past few weeks, like he had been holding back. I could feel the way his body tensed up at the thought of me allowing another boy to love me and all of a sudden, it felt like all his walls came crumbling. I love you too, I love you too, I love you too.

"Not even a little bit." I was sure of it, 100% and he visibly exhaled. I wasn't ready to breathe easily just yet thought, everything was dissipating but the tension in my own bones and I couldn't cry over this like the last time. He had alluded to it before but this time was different, this time he had actually said it. "Did you mean it? Cause, no offense, but you've said it before and taken it back. I can't do that anymore." I can't handle it, I can't believe someone else loves me only to be disappointed.

And Paul sighed, pulling me to his chest and rubbing his hand down my back soothingly. I wasn't sure what he was trying to do but I knew it was helping somehow so I laid there in his arms, allowing the fog to clear. His heartbeat was skyrocketing and his hands had stuttered as they traced my skin. Kissing my skin softly, he had started to draw small circles on my back, nearly throwing me into euphoria.

"I-I love you," his voice was soft as it always was but for some reason, it almost felt as if he was trying to build confidence, almost as if he was scared of my reaction. "I love you and I've known that I love you for a while... and I've been trying to say it for weeks, I just, I don't know what was holding me back but I know that I really fucking love you."

That was when I realized how hard this had to be for him, he wasn't used to being loved, he wasn't used to anyone giving him more attention than he had given and he wasn't sure how to react.

Everything fell into place, nothing else mattered but me saying it back as quickly as possible and I couldn't get it out fast enough. Suddenly, it felt as if I could see the next twenty years with him, hope clouded my mind. "I love you too." There was no more holding back in that moment, my heart had jumped out of my body, his love sinking into my skin and I had lost all hinderance, my heart was going skydiving without a parachute, only Paul to catch it as it fell.

Fuck, I'd give everything to this man.

He squeezed his eyes shut at that, allowing me to hug his body to mine and I could feel his fear seeping into me alongside and I wasn't sure how I'd missed it before. "I don't want to fuck this up."

And he was holding back tears, I could tell. "Hey." Despite my confusion, I ghosted my eyes over his tan skin, wiping the tears from underneath his pretty brown eyes. "Hey, don't cry."

"I'm really scared, Jules."

Was I scaring him? "Of what?"

And he allowed me to see how much pain he was holding as he pushed me lightly away from him. Holding out his hands, I watched as they trembled, he was opening himself up and he seemed to be slightly lost already. "Of losing myself again." And that pulled everything into perspective. I felt like an idiot for not noticing how long he'd kept this to himself, how much I pitied myself because he didn't say he loved me until then.

It was a power thing with Paul, he had given someone the power to break him, consistently I was sure, "I'm scared of n-not being enough for you." His voice was shaky as he seemed to think over his words a few times before letting them slip past his lips and I just wished he hadn't said any of it now, wished he didn't look as pale as he did then, wished he didn't look like I did when these thought creeped into my mind before the sun rose. But that was so incredibly selfish of me and I hated it. "That one