11:52 PM

We stand from the bar, Travis in the middle of us both. He flicks his lip ring with his tongue. I can't stop looking at it. I wonder if the salt from the shot stings it.

Trix moves us to the side of the bar against an exposed brick wall. The open rafters are decorated with lights and gold streamers. I've never actually been to a bar on New Year's Eve before. Usually I'm home, or at a party or some foreign country with my parents. Or a Château.

STOP.

I fight the urge to pull out my phone. To try and cyber-stalk Brooks. I'm tempted to comment on Brody's engagement pic just hoping Brooks might see it and start thinking of me tonight.

But I remind myself that no matter how many signs I see of him tonight, I am NOT supposed to be with him.

It doesn't matter.

Tequila Shot Five will fix it. Will fix me.

"Trix, hold my phone!" I almost scream at her. My mouth is so close to her ear so she can hear me.

"You got it." She smiles and tucks it away in her bag. I'm a fully-grown adult-millennial who can't be trusted. Life happens. 

"It's almost time!" Trix squeals. "Let's get another drink. Can't go into the new year empty handed."

"I second that," I say, nodding.

Can't help but think while I watch Travis take Trix's hand I am empty handed. Sure, a drink will help. But I still won't have a hand in mine.

NYC is a big fucking place. My person could be here anywhere. Anywhere. Maybe he's even here at this bar and it's fate that I came out with Trix tonight. Could have been across the pond in London. Could have been back in Seattle. But I came out and my person could be here. Maybe I'll keep running into them like you see in the movies until one day we just decide to stop leaving at the end of the night. Can't help but think of Trevor, of how normal that relationship could have been.

Or maybe he's not at this party. Not in NYC. Not anywhere. Maybe he's–

I lose my voice.

I think it's because I'm choking on the tequila or the lime. They both go down the wrong pipe because my mind is too busy worrying about my person.

Then I think it's because Trix falls into me –knocking me off balance –laughing at something Travis just said.

Or maybe it's because of Travis's face and the way his tongue ring catches the light from the rafters.

No.

It's because I look at the door. It opened and flurries spiraled inside, dusting the coat rack by the door. It's because three guys are walking into the bar just in time for the countdown. Three guys are walking into the bar and he's in the middle.

The bar is swarming with drunk, horny, obnoxious people but we only have eyes for each other, the magnets in them working without warning.

My person could be here. Up yours, universe.

I think I'm having a panic attack. Several things happen all at once: Trix gasps beside me. I almost drop my sociopathic tonic & gin. I forget everything that happened over the last year.

And oh yeah, my legs start moving.

Motherf–

I don't remember telling my legs to move but I now find myself halfway around the bar. I stop just short of closing the gap between us.

Fuck he can rock a flannel.

"It's you." He says.

"It's you." I answer.

We stand there smiling like numb morons. I can only imagine what we look like to the people trying to enjoy their New Years shots. Fuck us. It's been over six months but it feels like zero time has passed.

I'm supposed to be better than this. I'm not supposed to fangirl. I'm not supposed to feel star struck.

Can't help but notice the lack of dumb blonde on his arm.

Do I dare? Yes.

"Where's Lexi?" I say her name like I'm a 14 year-old leftover mean girl. He deserves it. But he looks over my shoulder –looks at Trix and Travis (both smiling idly) and just shrugs.

"Wherever Trevor is," he says, smirking. God I want that smirk. I bite my own lip because–

I CAN'T STOP SMILING.

11:58 PM

"It will never work, Brooks." It spills out like I've been waiting to say this all along tonight.

Man it's easy to lie to yourself. It shouldn't be this easy.

"Never." He shakes his head, smiling.

"Glad we agree." I nod, turning away from him. I can't even look at him without my insides melting into putty. 

I need to get away.

"You changed your hair." Brooks calls after me.

I stop in my tracks and spin to face him. I'm a goddamn moron.

His fingers grip his hair and he hangs his head toward mine.

"I did."

"It's darker now." He just watches my face, watches my soul swim inside me. Oh, guys, I have a soul again.

"It is." I nod.

"Much shorter now." Brooks's tongue rests on his lower lip. "Will be harder to grab."

Fuck him. And fuck me.  Literally and figuratively.

Fuck him and his smile that makes me want to gouge out my eyes so I don't have to see it again in the best possible way.

It's no use. I cross the five steps separating us in two long strides. He smiles at my eagerness.

"It'll grow." I shrug.

And then it happens. I'm thinking of a song or maybe it's actually playing beneath the cheers of the crowd. I can't hear anything, not even my own breathing.

The bar erupts into a countdown.

TEN

NINE

EIGHT

Brooks laughs and I realize I can breathe again. I don't know how I lasted six months holding my breath. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into him. Smells of sea salt and bonfire roll over me. The Goo Goo Dolls are saying it all: Come to Me.

SEVEN

SIX

"Emmy Lou," he whispers.

"Jay Brooks." I bite my lip.

FIVE

FOUR

We agree.

THREE

TWO

ONE. MORE. TIME.

...