chapter 20

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I wake up in a near-identical position with Nick, us spooning and our legs tangled together. Nick wasn't really one to show affection, now that I think about it I'm pretty sure he isn't affectionate with anyone but me. Fuck I need to pee. I gently move his arms from around my waist and he starts to move a bit, his eyebrows furrowing in his sleep. I quickly replace my body with a pillow and he relaxes, snuggling into it. I stretch my arms out above my head whilst yawning before rubbing the sleep from my eye. I waddled my way into my bathroom, locking the door before relieving myself. I went to wash my hands, looking up to see my reflection looking back at me. After drying my hands on the towel I lifted nick's sweatshirt up, which completely swallowed me, to inspect my body. My stomach looked bigger than it did yesterday and my thighs looked even more like fat tree trunks. I choked back a sob whilst lifting my hand to pull at the skin on my stomach. I knew I should've kept going on my run yesterday. I glanced over at the door before opening the cabinet under the sink, pulling out my scales and gently placing them on the cold tiles. I took off Nick's hoodie and took a deep breath whilst stepping on the scales, maintaining eye contact with my reflection as I was too scared to look down. When I finally decided to tear my eyes away from my reflection I wish I hadn't. Looking at the number blinking back at me I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I gained a pound. Panic was the only thing I was feeling. This has to be a joke, I can't go back to what I weighed when I was fat. I stepped off, waiting for the number to go back to 0 before stepping on again. I was met with the exact number again, identical to the point, only this time it was accompanied by the stray tear that had left my eye and rolled down my face. Well fuck, this is the opposite of what should be happening. I should be losing, not gaining. I took a deep breath before gently picking up the scale and placing back where it was before, hiding it underneath a pile of clean towels so that if anyone was to look through my stuff they wouldn't get suspicious. I used to use the scales in my parents' bathroom, seeing as they were the only ones in the house and they were conveniently left out in the open for me to just step on as I pleased. The only problem was making sure I didn't get caught, which was hard considering my bedroom and my parents were on completely different sides of the house. That was when the voice came up with the brilliant idea to just invest in my own, and whilst I miss the adrenaline of running between bedrooms in fear of getting caught it's just so much easier to have my own.

When I stepped out of the bathroom Nick was awake, rubbing sleep away from his eye.

"Good morning," I said as quietly as I could.

"Hey." he said groggily. Fuck his morning voice, I could get used to that. He cracked his neck before flinging the covers off his body and stood up. He tugged off his shirt and went to get a new one. I'd be lying if I said I didn't immediately let my eyes fall down his body. I tried not to, I really did, but when he's shirtless I mean fuck. I was pulled out of my daze when he pulled on a random shirt he had in my drawer and just smirked at me knowingly. Thankfully though he didn't say anything, that would've made things very awkward, especially on my end. He suddenly went to open my door and that's when my mind finally started working normally again.

"Wait what are you doing," I rushed out in a panic. He furrowed his brows in confusion.

"To get breakfast?" He said questioningly. "I'm a growing boy Jules y'know." He continued. "It's 10 am and I'm hungry." Well fuck I didn't think this through. Would it still deem normal if I still 'didn't feel well'? I'm still freezing now that I think of it, finally taking notice of the goosebumps on my legs.

"I still don't feel well. Besides I lost my appetite." I lie to him easily, guilt settling within me.

"Did I ask for complaints?" He asked, turning around and putting his arms on his hips acting like a mum again. I pressed my lips into a thin line and shook my head

"Exactly, I didn't." He continued. "Now quit complaining. Besides a nice hot coffee and some food will help you feel better and warmer." Just at the thought of food, my stomach rumbled, ruining my chance to say that I'm not hungry. Fuck you stomach. I reluctantly walked over to him, which he understood was my silent agreement and opened the door. We walked down the stairs, him in front of me, when my mum started talking.

"Finally Julia, I was starting to think you studied yourself into a coma! You work too hard, really, I mean-" She stopped mid-sentence when Nick and I made our appearance side by side in front of the kitchen counter. "- oh." she breathed out.

"Morning Jo!" Nick said cheerily to my mother.

"Morning Nick" my mother replied with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. "What exactly are you-"

"-Well Jules actually-" Nick started but I quickly cut him off

"-Nick needed help studying for his English exam!" I hurried out. "It was just easier for him to come over so I could show him my notes and stuff instead of going back and forth on a call." I continued explaining. My mother just hummed and nodded. I wasn't too sure whether she believed it or not but it didn't matter as Nick was already off in the pantry grabbing god knows what. He came out with some flour, sugar and some other stuff before going to the fridge grabbing an egg and milk. It didn't take a genius to figure out what he was making, and I immediately knew cause it's the same shit he always used to make. 

Pancakes. 

I haven't had them since he left, I would be lying if I said that I never thought about them though. He grabbed a bowl and some measuring cups and began following the recipe he used so much that he knew it off by heart, making sure to look at me whilst he added the excessive amount of sugar to catch my reaction. I don't want to eat that shit, well I do want to; I just can't. How the hell am I supposed to get out of this one? With Nick and my mum watching me, it's practically mission impossible. I wrapped my arms around myself, out of instinct and also because I was cold.

"You wanna make your coffee Jules?" Nick pointed out and I nodded, needing something to take my mind off the food that I would, unfortunately, be consuming soon. I went over to my Nespresso machine and popped in a pod before placing my mug under it and clicking the button. I grabbed my almond milk out of the fridge, trying to hide it from Nick whilst I waited for the machine to finish filling my cup. Unfortunately for me, Nick notices everything.

"Since when do you drink almond milk?" He asked me. Fucking hell I can't do anything in peace.

"I'm actually lactose intolerant now." I told him, which wasn't a lie. When I first came home with a litre of almond milk I told my mum the same thing, which was a lie at the time. Unsweetened almond milk is the lowest calorie milk in the market, so of course, I made the switch to it the minute I had the opportunity. However, somewhere along the way I genuinely became lactose intolerant. I poured a small amount into my coffee before popping my straw in and started drinking it. Nick was finished with the pancake batter and was currently putting a generous amount of butter into a frying pan, moving it around the pan before pouring some of the pancake mix into the calorie infested pan. You know butter is very high in calories, that's why I avoid it all costs and only use the smallest amount humanly possible. Nick however was completely oblivious to my hate for butter, giving me a questioning look as I glared at the butter in the pan, sizzling the pancakes. I aggressively sipped on my coffee whilst Nick flipped over the three pancakes that were currently in the pan. I was immediately hit with the smell of sweetness, my mouth watering at the thought of it.

'Don't be greedy, you're not even going to eat half of it. Think about the number on the scales. If you want it to go the right way, you can't eat this junk.'

The voice was right, I gained a pound and these pancakes certainly won't help me. I sighed, thinking about the lowest calorie topping I could put on it. A year ago I would've drowned it in Nutella and put a giant scoop of ice cream on each, but now I think some strawberries will do the trick. Nick scooped the three pancakes onto a plate and handed it to me.

"Ladies first," He said, doing a bow with an aggressive wave of the spatula as if it was a magic wand. I tried to contain my laughter; and failed, as did he. He then returned his focus to the pancakes, scooping four more blobs into the now-empty pan filled with fat.

I went to the fridge and got my punnet of strawberries, taking one out and cutting it into tiny pieces on the lid because I was too lazy to get out a chopping board. Besides, it's fewer dishes for me to clean up. I put the strawberries back in the fridge and then sprinkled the cut-up strawberry over my stack of pancakes before hopping up on the kitchen counter, swinging my legs like a little kid with my plate beside me. Nick soon joined me, standing beside me with his plate in front of him, leaning on the counter. I started cutting my pancakes into the smallest pieces possible before my mother spoke up.

"Alright kids, I'm headed to work. Julia, make sure you wash up yeah?" My mother said, picking up her phone and bag off the table.

"Yep, I know mum." I replied

"And for god's sake, get off the counter. Your not 5 years old." With that, I jumped down the counter. My mum came over before placing a kiss on my cheek and doing the same for Nick and then left the house. The minute the door shut I hopped back up on the counter into my previous position and Nick started laughing, nearly joking on his pancake. I just giggled, picking up the smallest bit of pancake and a chunk of strawberry. I bought it up to my lips, hesitating for a moment before shoving it in my mouth. I was immediately met with the delicious flavour I've missed and been craving for months, enough to nearly make me moan but I contained myself. I felt one of Nick's hands on my thigh, rubbing it comforting but not saying a word. The TV was on in the background, the voices off the breakfast show filling our silence. I didn't dare to look up at Nick, instead focusing on my plate and cutting the tiny pieces even smaller. I took another small bite, making sure to chew for an excessive amount of time before swallowing, savouring the taste. Before I was even done with a ¼ of mine, Nick dropped his knife and fork onto his empty plate that was previously decorated with four pancakes with some blueberries and whipped cream. He dropped his empty plate into the sink before walking over to me, standing in between my legs with one of his hands on each of my thighs. My mind was yelling at me to stop eating, that I've already eaten too much, but Nick's presence was making me nervous, well aware he would disapprove of how much I've eaten.

"Just a little bit more Jules." He said, rubbing my thighs again, almost like my thoughts were so loud that he could hear them. I nodded, feeling like I wanted to cry. I seriously can't afford to eat this right now, it's going to ruin everything. I'm already gaining weight. So I cut up my food some more, shoved it around my plate for a couple of minutes before taking my final bite, savouring the taste that I hopefully won't have to deal with for another couple of months. I put my fork and knife down next to my leftover pancakes, trying not to draw attention to myself but failing.

"You done?" He asked me, looking at my plate full of pancakes. I nodded, tensing my shoulders as I waited for him to yell at me about how little it is, or worse how it was too much. However what I received instead shocked me, his hands going from my thighs to my waist and engulfing me in a hug, momentarily moving one of his hands to stroke my hair.

"I'm so proud of you." He muttered, and I was in shock. Does that mean he knows? How does he know he's been here like what less than a month and he's already figured it out? He broke away from the hug and picked up my plate and bought it to the sink and turned the tap on.

"No Nick it's fine, I can wash up." I told him but he waved me off, telling me he had it covered. He put my leftover pancakes into the fridge and then moved to wash his dishes. I sat there with my half-finished coffee, sipping on it whilst turning my attention to the TV. They were talking about some car incident on the freeway. I zoned out, the pancakes making themselves apparent in my stomach and the voice not letting me live it down. She was right though if I want the scale to keep going in the right direction I need to get better self-control. No is a two-letter word, why is it so hard to just say it? I need to stop giving in so easily. Nick bought me out of my daze when he started to talk.

"-so I have to go" He finished.

"Huh? Sorry, I zoned out." I replied.

"My dad needs me at home so I have to go." He repeated, looking slightly anxious. He was back in front of me, standing in between my legs.

"I'll come with you." I eagerly replied getting off the counter, Nick letting out a low groan as I hopped down and grabbing my hips as I was pinned between him and the counter.

"Really Jules?" He said, and I wasn't too sure whether he was referring to my reply or my actions.

"Sorry, " I said, "I'm bored and it's not like I have any plans." It was a Saturday and I had no friends besides Nick, so I obviously had no plans. Not to mention the extra steps would burn some extra calories so it's a win-win situation. He huffed out a breath, squeezing my hips momentarily before replying.

"Fine, go get ready." He spoke. "But if you take any longer than 10 minutes I'm leaving without you." He warned and I nodded, him letting go of me before I jogged up the stairs and went to my bathroom. Normally I would take a quick shower, but considering my time limit I decided against it, also I showered last night so I'd be all good. I stuck on some deodorant and brushed my teeth before picking out some leggings and a T-shirt, deciding to keep Nick's hoodie on. I washed my face before getting changed and then walked out of my bathroom to see Nick sprawled out on my bed like a starfish, holding his phone above his head scrolling through Twitter.
"You ready?" He asked.
"Yeah just let me grab my shoes." I said walking over to my shoe rack and grabbing my vans and sliding them on. Nick got up off my bed, sliding his phone into his pocket.

"Nice hoodie" He joked knowing damn well it was his. I just rolled my eyes playfully

"Shut up," I said through a giggle.

"You gonna steal all my clothes now?" He said

"Hey in my defence, you gave this to me so I didn't steal anything." I pointed out. He just shrugged, knowing damn well I was right. 

We walked down the stairs and I grabbed a key on the way out, locking the front door behind me. Nick started walking along the footpath, and I had to speedwalk to keep up with his pace. Not that I was complaining, the faster I walked the more calories I burned. 

Something was definitely up, I could feel it in the air. I was slightly worried, I don't think I've ever seen Nick like this. He had a stern look on his face and he walked with purpose; determination. I was a bit anxious about what was going to happen when we got to his house, uncertain about what the situation was but there was nothing I could do but wait, walking as fast as I could to his house.

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Heyyy! Early update? How rare. Hope your enjoying reading this as much as I enjoy writing it! Anyways as per usual make sure to vote and comment. Stay hydrated besties and fuel your bodies <33

- J

:D

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