"Julia, dinners ready!" My mom shouted from downstairs. I didn't even hear her come through the front door, what the fuck.

"Coming Mom!" I shouted out to her. "C'mon Nick." I got up and walked down my stairs, with him following me.

"Oh my gosh Nick!" My mother exclaimed, rushing to go and hug him. "It's so great to see you! How have you been? Holy cow, you look so grown up!"

Nick started laughing, "Calm down Jo, it's only been a year. I've been good thanks, how are you?"

"I've been good. I'm sorry Julia didn't tell me you were over, I'll go and reheat some extra food for you." Mom looked over at me. "Nonna gave us leftover lasagna that she made. I didn't put too much in for you cause I know you're not that hungry." She kissed my forehead and left the dining room to go to the kitchen. I normally don't eat dinner, and when I do I don't eat much. My mom knows that, so she puts less food for me so we don't waste food. My dad normally works late, so he's not usually home for dinner. I sat down at the table in my usual spot, just with Nick next to me. In front of me was a chunk of lasagna, it looked like quite a lot. It did look really nice though, I wish I could have stuff like this all the time. But I weigh too much, and I can't afford to eat this shit all the time, or even at all. My mom comes back in the room with a chunk and a half for Nick.

"I didn't know how hungry you were darling, so I just put whatever. If you can't eat it then don't worry about it." She tells him. He nods, and then we start eating. By 'we' I mean that they start eating as I cut up my lasagna and move it around in a sad attempt to make it look like I'm doing something. The TV's turned on to the news, distracting my mom and Nick. I look down at my food, the calories already counted in my head. I can't eat this, I can't. My gut keeps telling me, over and over again to just get up and leave, and go for a run. I'll feel good if I do that, but I need my mom and Nick to not be on my ass about this. I can feel Nick's eyes on me, so I hesitantly pick up some of the food on my plate; trying to get as little as I can without it looking like nothing; and put it in my mouth. I pretend I don't feel his gaze on me, and I chew slowly. Every comment I've ever gotten on my body plays on repeat like a favourite song, and flashbacks to every time Ellie has said something rude. I swallow, feeling it go through my body and into my stomach. The amount of disappointment I feel, makes me want to just get up and throw up; but I hesitantly continue. No matter how much the voices are screaming at me to stop, reminding me of what I want to achieve, putting images in my mind of skinny girls with thigh gaps and not a single ounce of fat on them. Tears start to form in my eyes. I chew, and chew, and chew. I swallow. Every fiber of my being is yelling at me to leave, but I need to make it seem like I'm fine.

'Nick will just think you're a pig for eating so much, just like you always used to.'  A particular voice stands out, and it's enough to get me to jump up out of my seat. I take a deep breath before excusing myself to go to the bathroom. Nick looked concerned but thankfully didn't follow me or ask any questions. I turned on the lights and locked the door behind me. I walked up to the mirror and studied myself, poking and pulling at certain parts. I hated every inch of myself, If I just had a flat stomach, If I had a thigh gap, if my cheeks looked less chubby, if my thighs didn't jiggle every time I walked; maybe then I'd be happy with myself. But for now It's just a reminder of how hard I need to work to achieve perfection.

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Hey yall!

Hope you're doing well, make sure you drink some water and have something to eat. You got this! <3

- J

:D