The Intermidiate Murder Professionals (pilot)

Background color
Font
Font size
Line height


2022

You and blitzø didn't have to walk far to arrive at the IMP building (in this story they have a whole building for IMP I know it's not accurate to the show but if you don't like it then why are you reading this) Blitzø sets down his flintlock and walks you over to the meeting room where there are 3 other demons already sitting down. One looks like a anthropomorphic wolf, and two more small demons that seem to have some sort of relationship.

Blitzø: What's your name?

Y/N: Y/N.

Blitzø gestures to a seat.

Blitzø: okay Y/N just sit here and watch how we do things around here.

You sit down and just observe.

Blitzø: This is Y/N he's hoping to be a new employee. But now back to business. I know business has been a bit... slow lately, yes its no one's fault, I'm not naming any names here *looks at the small male demon* Moxxxie.

After Blitzø says this the small male demon who presumably was named Moxxie gives Blitzø a wtf face.

Y/N: *whispers to Moxxie* it's okay I know how you feel. I used to be just like that.

Moxxie: Thanks Y/N

Blitzø: Now does anyone have... any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?

The small female demons eye's sparkle.

??????: What about a car wash?

Blitzø and Y/N: This is hell millie nobody cares about their cars being cleaned here/ I'd assume no one down here really cares about the cleanliness of cars.

You and blitzø look at each other with blitzø smiling.

Blitzø: I like the way you think Y/N.

Y/N: likewise

Blitzø: what is everyone's opinion on a billboard?

Y/N: that would be-

Moxxie: we can't afford a billboard, sir.

Blitzø pushes away Moxxxie

Blitzø: Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad your in the room right now. Have you guys forgotten what service we provide? Y/N you might wanna watch this

Blitzø turns on a TV that shows the I.M.P. crew brutally murdering people from the overworld as they are paid to do. Blitzø whacks a man in the face with a mallet, Moxxie is blown away firing a shotgun through the mouth of a man tied to a chair, the anthropomorphic wolf swings a man back and forth in her mouth, and Millie decapitates someone with a harpoon and laughs. Then, it zooms out to everyone watching the TV, with Loona, Millie, and Blitzø eating popcorn.

Y/N: So you guys murder people?

Blitzø: we work as assasins.

Moxxie: I don't need any reminding, sir. Considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel... nobody watches.

Blitzo: Uh, hey. Excuse me? What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' bullshit!

Millie: People love musicals, sir.

Blitzo: Exactly, Millie! And we're basically doin' a musical. *does jazz hands* Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?

Moxxie: Sir--

Blitzo: 'Cause, right now? All I see is just my dad's asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.

Millie: Are you tryin' to crush his dreams, Moxxie?

Moxxie: I-- What?

Millie: *flirtatiously* I thought I knew you.

[She playfully sticks her tongue out at him as Moxxie blushes and rolls his eyes affectionately.]

Blitzo: I can't believe you, Moxxie!

[He tearfully holds up an employee of the month plaque with Moxxie's picture on it.]

Blitzo: After I made you employee of the month!

Moxxie: *defeated* Okay, sir! I'm sorry; a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles!

Y/N: commercial jingles aren't musicals.

Blitzø: Of course you take Moxxie's side. Don't be the new Moxxie

Y/N: okay sir

Blitzø smiles when he hears you call him sir.

Millie: I liked it.

Moxxie: Do not-- *points at Millie* Do not agree with him in front of me!

The scene cuts to the I.M.P. commercial.

Blitzo: Hi, there! I'm Blitzo! The "o" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P.!

He gestures to the logo as it appears on screen, then disappears.

Two pictures of Blitzo in different scenarios show while he speaks. The first shows him wearing two top hats through his horns, a monocle, and twiddling a fake mustache, while standing outside of a burning building with a sign that reads "Orphanage for Elderly Blind Newborn Dogs" appears. The second shows Blitzo wearing an angel costume at a coffeehouse happily throwing an empty coffee cup in a trash can, instead of the recycling bin right next to it.

Blitzo: Are you a piece of shit that got yourself sent to Hell, or are you an innocent soul who got FUCKED over by someone else?!

The commercial cuts to a demon guy wearing an Ohio sports jersey, giving a testimonial, while Blitzo holds a cardboard sign in frame that reads "Some guy who hired us!!"

Demon Guy: After lovingly killing my wife for *in demonic voice* fucking a deliveryman, *normal voice* you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me! I really wish I could stick it to that *in demonic voice* yappy jogger *normal voice* who saw me hiding the body!

Blitzo is speaking to the camera and holding a grimoire, while Moxxie and Millie are arranging lit candles on the floor in a pentagram. While he speaks, his eyes narrow as he does a magical gesture with his hand and a flaming portal appears on the floor. Moxxie and Millie run off in surprise. He tosses the grimoire aways as he walks up to the portal.

Blitzo: (to camera) Well, luckily for you. Thanks to our company's special access to the living world, we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive! *falls backwards into the portal*

The scene transitions to a person with their arms crossed and a thought bubble appears depicting another person being crossed out as the commercial jingle plays in the background.

Singer: ♫ When you want somebody gone, ♫

A dead body falls near the person as they notice and look up.

Singer: ♫ and you don't want to wait too long ♫

Moxxie, Blitzo, and Millie are shown in a circle logo. Blitzo holds his arms out as Moxxie holds up his rifle and Millie holds up her spear. A letter "I" appears to the left of them, while a letter "P" appears on the right of them. The trio together form a letter "M", thus spelling the initials I.M.P.

Singer: ♫ call the Immediate Murder Professionals! ♫

Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie are inside of their building and Moxxie throws a grenade out the window. The trio cover where their ears would be as an explosion goes off. A severed arm goes flying.

Singer: ♫ Hand grenade or cyanide, ♫

Blitzo is shown hanging someone with a rope as Millie finishes writing a suicide note.

Singer: ♫ We'll make it look like suicide ♫

[Blitzo is shown electrocuting someone, Millie is shown hitting someone on the head with a mace, and Moxxie is shown strangling someone.]

Singer: ♫ The Immediate Murder Professionals! ♫

[The I.M.P. logo spins around quickly as the scene transitions to Blitzo creating a portal to the living world in a wall, then jumping through it. He is followed by Millie and then Moxxie, who trips over the grimoire and falls into the portal.]

Singer: ♫ We do our job so well, ♫

[The trio come up through the other end of the portal and adjust themselves.]

Singer: ♫ Because, we come straight out from Hell! ♫

[The I.M.P. trio suddenly look shocked as it appears they have accidentally teleported to a church in the middle of a service. A female preacher and the congregation look back at the demons in confusion and/or fear. One bearded man, however, has his head laid back as he sleeps with earbuds in.]

[Millie is shown struggling to remove a knife from a naked couple who are in 69 position, while Moxxie tries to look away, and Blitzo examines a pair of panties.]

Singer: ♫ We'll kill your husband or your wife ♫

[Blitzo stabs someone toed to a chair repeatedly in the head while sporting a goofy expression.]

Singer: ♫ We'll even let you keep the knife ♫

A quick sequence then shows the trio assassinating their targets in numerous horrific ways, such as with a medieval torture chamber, riding a shark, burning someone alive, suffocating someone with a pillow, playing on a grand piano after it crushed someone, and using an electric chair. In the final scene, the trio are hiding in a bush in a park and Moxxie is about to shoot a blonde woman looking at her phone from behind

Singer: ♫ We're the Immediaaaaate... Murderrrrrr... Profession-- ♫

Moxxie accidentally shoots a boy passing by, eating an ice cream cone.

Eddie: AUUUGH!

The boy collapses as Moxxie looks on in shock. Blitzo and Millie turn their eyes to Moxxie in surprise. You then run toward the boy and pick him up while calling 911.
-----------
Timeskip 20 minutes

A pink-haired and Blue-haired Nurse wheel a stretcher with little kid on it

Pink-haired Nurse: *in masculine voice* Doctor, he's not responding!

Blue-haired Nurse: Cool water, stat!

The pink-haired nurse whacks the boy in the face with a bucket of water, doing nothing but leave a large welt on his face.

Blue-haired Nurse: It didn't do anything!

The boys tongue flops down from his mouth.

Doctor: Dammit! I'm not losing another one.

Everyone has their defibrillator paddles over the boy.

Doctor: CLEAR!

They all zap the boy and he wakes up.

Eddie: *gasps*

Doctor: Holy shit! It actually worked.

Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie are waiting outside the boy's hospital room. Blitzo is reading a magazine, while Millie comforts Moxxie, who looks devastated. The doctor comes out of the room with a clipboard.

Y/N: Is he okay?

Doctor: He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. *looks up from clipboard* Now, what insurance provider do you freaks have?

Blitzo: The fuck is insurance?

A shot of the outside of the hospital is shown, as a window breaks and the boy's hospital bed flies out. The boy is unconscious in the bed, while Millie, Moxxie, Y/N and Blitzo are holding on for dear life as they plummet screaming to the ground.

Y/N: YOU COULD HAVE LET ME SPEAK SIR!

The bed is stopped by a rope that has become tangled around Blitzo's foot. Blitzo slams his face into the bed, the rope snaps, and they all continue to fall.

A still shot of the I.M.P. logo is shown.

Singer: ♫ Kids die for freeeeeee! ♫

Y/N: helluvabossman431 that part was integrated weirdly

helluvabossman431 : Y/N: What did I tell you about breaking the 4th wall! That shits expensive.

Y/N: Sorry

Blitzø: Can you two wrap it up?

helluvabossman431 : Shut up or I'll make you do something embarrassing later.

Blitzø: Okay shutting up now

Moxxie: I'd like to go on record and say that was loona's fault.

Y/N: How so?

Moxxie: dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It's very simple.

Loona: Oh sit on a dick Moxxie

Moxxie: YOU sit! Sit on... a... and the... d-- DO YOUR JOB!!

Y/N: Nice sa- wait was that being racist?

Moxxie: How would that be racist!??

Y/N: She's a hellhound which is pretty much a dog, and you just told her to sit.

Moxxie: I didn't mean it like that!

Blitzø: *sarcastically* of course you didn't.

Y/N: Moxxie she obviously didn't mean to screw up.

Loona: *sarcastically* thanks Y/N

Blitzø: yeah Moxxie we don't blame our screw up on loona okay...

Blitzø hugs and nozzles loona causing her to snarl in response.

Moxxie: Are you kidding me sir? She's horrible!

-------------------
(Flashback 1: Blitzø and loona fun)

[The scene cuts to a flashback of Loona at her desk, reading a magazine called "Hellhound Monthly". Her desk phone rings with the sound of a cute puppy barking as the ringtone. Loona answers.]

Loona: *not looking up* Hello, I.M.P.

Millie: (on phone, panicked) Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox--

[Loona suddenly hangs up, disinterested in the conversation. Next, she is in Blitzo's office as he presents her with a gift.]

Blitzo: Happy Adoption Anniversary, Loonie! I got you a little somethin'.

Loona: Is it a cure for syphilis?

Blitzo: I... Oh...

'[Loona snatches the present and angrily slams it on the floor. THEN, I DON'T WANT IT!

[A large swarm of spiders suddenly emerge from the present box and swarm Loona up to her neck.]

Loona: UGHHH!

Blitzo: *suddenly hiding outside of the office window* I'm sorry! It was spiders!

Loona: *annoyed, deadpan* Goddammit.

[Loona is then shown at her desk, watching an online video of Charlie Magne performing "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow". Moxxie approaches her with a flyer for "Chub B Gone".]

Moxxie: Um, e- excuse me. Did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?

Loona: No.

Moxxie: Wha-- Why- Why would anyone send me this?

Loona: C'mon... *looks up at Moxxie* You know why.

[The next scene shows Loona rummaging through the break room fridge.]

Loona: Whoever left the fucking... avocado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it, because I have the worst hangover right now!

[Loona turns around to face Millie with a red box in hand as she shuts the fridge door with her foot. She rips off the lid and drinks the salad.]

Millie: Why would you drink on a work night?

Loona: *stops drinking* I'm hungover from this morning, dumbass!

[Moxxie enters the room and notices Loona with his box.]

Moxxie: Isn't that my lunch?

Loona: *drops the box on the floor* Y'know what?! I can't take this assault right now! I need to blow off some-

[She kicks the box at Moxxie, knocking him out of the room and surprising Millie.]

Loona: -fucking steam!

[Loona runs out of the break room and out into the street.]

Loona: AAAAAAAAAAH!

[Loona runs up to a succubus lady passing by on the other side of the street, pushing her baby in a stroller. Loona kicks the stroller high into the air and storms off, while the demon lady stands there in disbelief. The scene transitions to Loona at her desk, telling Blitzo about a caller.]

Loona: Bliiiitzo! That clingy, rich asshole is on the phone! Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you! Sounds a little DTF-y.

[Cuts to Blitzo and Moxxie standing by a water cooler.]

Blitzo: *throws his cup of water on the floor* Oh, GOD, it was one time! *crosses arms* If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole, none of us would have access to the living world.

Moxxie: *stares in stunned silence* ...You what?

[The scene cuts to a flashback of Stolas sleeping naked in bed. He is hooting like an owl and there are feathers everywhere. Blitzo, who is partially nude, walks away quietly with the grimoire in hand.]

Blitzo: *to himself* Got the booook, got the booook! Got this fuckin' heavy book!

[Blitzo reaches Stolas' balcony and lays the grimoire on the ledge. Grunting, he attempts to step up on the ledge using the grimoire. Instead, the combined weight sends both him and the grimoire falling forward off of the balcony.]

Blitzo: Oh- Oh, SHIT!!

[Blitzo lands on the cake that Stolas' wife and her friends are having, splattering pieces of it all over them.]

Blitzo: Oof! (to Stella) Sorry, I fucked your husband.

[The scene cuts back to Loona at her desk.]

Loona: BLIIIITZO!

Blitzo: I HEARD YOU ALREA--!

[The scene cuts to Blitzo in his office, talking with Stolas, and playing with a bobblehead of Moxxie.]

Blitzo: Sooooo, what can I do you for this time, Stolas?

Stolas: There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He's trying to convince people global warming exists!

Blitzo: Doesn't it?

Stolas: Well... yes. But, more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here~

Blitzo: Okay, well. Yeah, that makes sense.

Stolas: (through phone) You know what happens when I'm lonely, Blitzy?

[Blitzo pulls his phone away and talks to himself.]

Blitzo: (under his breath) God-fuckin'-dammit.

Stolas: When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red **** of yours... **** your ***** and lick all of your *****, before taking out your *****, and **** with more teeth until you're screaming ***** like a FUCKING baby--!

[Blitzo, who's visibly disturbed, hangs up. He snaps his cellphone in half, smashes it with his desk phone, tosses said desk phone away, pulls out a blender, puts the cellphone pieces in it, and blends them. Blitzo turns and hands the blender to Loona, who was standing nearby.]

Blitzo: Eat this!

[Loona drinks the blended cellphone mixture.]

Blitzo: And then y'know that bridge over the freeway?

Loona: Yeah?

Blitzo: Shit off it
-------------------------
The flashback ends, and Blitzo is standing by Loona.]

Blitzo: Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of family.

[Loona looks up from her phone and briefly smiles, touched by Blitzo's words.]

Moxxie: We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she's some troubled teenager! She's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!

[As Moxxie rants, Loona continues looking at her phone, slowly flipping Moxxie off.]

Blitzo: That is offensive! Without homeless people, *walks over to window and raises blinds* I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!

[Blitzo puts his face up against the window, cracking the glass, and sees a homeless demon, looking sad and holding up a sign that reads "Monee helps. Satan bless." A succubus is on her cellphone and turns away from the hobo. Blitzo smugly waves at him, before lowering the window blinds.]

Y/N: I would like to know what you mean by that

Moxxie: While we're on the subject of [makes air quotes with his hands] "family", can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?

Millie: Come on, sweetie! It's not that big a deal!

Moxxie: Excuse me... WHAT?!
-----------------
(Flashback 2 Moxxies Boogaloo)

[The scene cuts to a flashback of Moxxie and Millie preparing dinner in their kitchen.]

Moxxie: Honey, can you get me the butter?

Millie: Sure, sweetie.

[Millie opens the fridge door and finds Blitzo inside as he hands her the gross, viscous butter.]

Blitzo: Spoiler alert: the butter's spoiled!

Millie: *giggles*

Moxxie: *throws the diced carrots into the soup* What's funny, honey?

Blitzo: Really impressive wordplay.

Moxxie: WHAT THE--?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!?!

[Later that evening, Moxxie and Millie are asleep in bed. The former is tossing and turning as the sound of a cat purring can be heard. Moxxie opens his eyes and sees Blitzo standing on him, looking him right in the eyes.]

Blitzo: Whatcha dreamin' about?

Moxxie: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered, but now... I'd like to go back to that.

[In the next scene, Moxxie is singing the end of "Oh, Millie", as Millie joins in on some parts.]

Moxxie: ♫ Of all the imps in Hell, it's for her that I fell

You are reading the story above: TeenFic.Net