Ben

I sat in my car, contemplating how I wanted to tell Lina something important. I thought back to when we met at fifteen. We became friends, then dated. I fell in love with her as we grew up and married her. After we had Kami, I wanted her to stay home with our daughter. I thought I was happy during the first year, married to my best friend and daughter.

Lately, I realized that I wasn't in love with Lina like I thought. It's not that Lina was a terrible person. It was far from it. Lina has all the qualities that any man would want in a woman. She's kind, funny, smart, beautiful, and an excellent mother. I felt something lacked and couldn't understand what.

How do I ask my wife for a divorce? Our child is two. I sighed as I got out of the car and went inside as I saw Lina and Kami on the floor, playing with Kami's toys.

"Hi, hun. How was work?" Lina asked as Kami put a block into a sphere.

"It was okay," I answered, feeling torn.

"Are you okay?" Lina asked, looking at me suspiciously.

I walked over and sat down in a chair. "Lina, we need to talk." The dreaded words no one wants to hear from their significant other.

"Okay," she said, unsure of what I wanted to say.

I sighed. "I want a divorce."

Lina looked at me, unsure of what I said. "What?"

I didn't look at Lina. "I want a divorce." I couldn't look at her.

"Why?"

I hated what I had to say next. "I'm not in love with you." I looked at Lina as she stared at me in disbelief. "I know it makes little sense, but I don't see you in a romantic sense."

I hated telling my wife that because I know how tender her heart is. No woman wants to hear their husband tell them that they don't love them romantically.

"Is there another woman?" Lina asked.

"No," I replied, shaking my head.

"Is it me?"

I heard the hurt laced in Lina's voice.

"No, it's not you. I've been struggling with this decision for a while. I can't explain it."

Lina looked at me with a look I never wanted to see, a look of devastation. I didn't want to stay in a marriage and end up resenting each other. Too many couples did that, and I didn't want to destroy a friendship. Plus, we have a daughter.

That night, we slept in separate rooms. I listened to Lina cry, knowing I caused her pain. I hated myself for it.

*********
The next few days, we barely spoke, and I contacted an attorney. The attorney advised me how to proceed with the divorce, but everything he said didn't seem right. I didn't want a nasty divorce or hurt Lina more than I did.

The judge ordered us to have a mediator before he would oversee our divorce proceedings. Our mediator's name was Rob Miller. He brought us into a room to discuss the divorce and negotiate custody.

I sat at a table in the room across from Lina. Rob sat on the side. I looked at Lina as she sat there, not looking at me.

"Mr. and Mrs. Sherwood, the point of mediation is to negotiate assets, support, and custody of children. The State of Michigan divides all assets fifty percent while the mother retains full custody of the children," Rob explained.

"I don't want full custody," Lina said, surprising me. She looked at me as a tear fell down her cheek. "It's not Ben's fault that he doesn't love me. I don't want Kami to suffer, not seeing her father regularly."

Lina wiped her cheeks as I sat there and furrowed my brows.

"Then how would both of you like to divide the assets and custody arrangement?" Mr. Miller asked us.

I looked at Lina as she looked like she wanted to break. "Lina can have the house, furniture, and one car while I'll keep the other car. We'll split any money and split custody fifty-fifty."

Mr. Miller nodded and looked at Lina. "Mrs. Sherwood, do you agree to the terms?"

Lina nodded, not speaking.

"Okay, I'll draft up the agreement and present it to the judge. We'll meet next week to sign the papers. Then it takes six months for the divorce to become final," Mr. Miller informed us.

I looked at Lina as she looked down. Most couples would fight over property and get nasty. I watched my parents go through it. I didn't want to put Lina through hell. She's allowing me to be a father to our daughter, who I love immensely. The last thing we ever wanted to do is put our child through hell. Kami is innocent and deserves parents to act civil towards each other.

The next week, we met with Mr. Miller and signed papers dissolving our marriage. During that time, I moved into an apartment until I found another house. I made sure I rented a two-bedroom so that Kami had her room.

I went from a seven-year relationship with someone to single. I never dated anyone besides Lina. I didn't even know where to start or when I would. After a few months, I removed my wedding ring and put it into the top drawer.

I would go out alone, and women hit on me, but I didn't know what I wanted. It's not that the women weren't attractive, but they didn't catch my interest. Only Lina caught my attention, which made it difficult.

I stopped at a bar to have a beer. I sat down at the bar and ordered one. I drank as I sat there, trying to figure out things.

"Didn't anyone tell you that you shouldn't drink alone?" Someone asked me.

I glanced to see Mr. Miller sitting down next to me.

"It beats going home to an empty apartment," I reasoned.

"I hear you," Mr. Miller said, ordering a beer.

I drank my beer.

"How are things between you and your ex-wife?" He asked me.

"It's okay. Lina talks to me about Kami. We keep it civil," I reasoned.

"That's good because most couples don't."

"I take it you dealt with a lot of nasty divorces?"

"That's an understatement. Most couples I meet with forget that divorce involves innocent children. The people are so angry with each other that they forget who suffers."

"I give my ex credit. Lina could have kept me from our daughter but didn't. I'm grateful."

Mr. Miller nodded.

"Since I'm not the mediator of your divorce case, my name is Rob," he said, extending his hand.

"Ben," I said, shaking his hand and feeling an attraction. I pulled my hand back. I looked at Rob and furrowed my brows. I finished my beer and left the bar.

I went to my apartment, thinking about Rob. I didn't understand why I felt this way. I've never felt attracted to guys. I don't think I felt that way. I was with Lina since we were fifteen. She was all my firsts. It's probably one of those things.

*******
In the next few months, I tried not to think about my feelings. When I stopped at the bar to have a beer, Rob would show up. The more we talked, the more I felt an immense attraction towards him.

One night we left the bar and walked to our cars. I stopped and looked at Rob. "Thanks for talking to me. It's nice to have a friend who understands," I mentioned.

"It helps to talk to someone who sees how divorce affects people," Rob said.

"Your wife is lucky."

"She would if I had one, but I don't."

I looked at Rob with surprise. "You must have women crawling all over you. You're smart, stable, funny, and attractive."

"I prefer men," Rob said, stunning me. He got closer to me. I looked at him as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine, surprising me. It wasn't a terrible surprise, but a pleasant one. I kissed him back.

We broke from our kiss as I looked at Rob. "Ben, I know you just got out of a marriage, but I enjoy being around you."

"I don't want to hurt Lina," I reasoned.

Rob looked at me as I got into my car. I backed out, thinking about what happened between Rob and me. Most people would feel confused, trying to sort out their sexuality, but for once, I didn't feel like I was missing something in my life. I couldn't even explain it.