*Barely Edited*
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       There is a saying about your past always catching up to you in the most inopportune moments. That couldn't have been any more true than what was happening now.

         I never would have expected to have James and Chris in the same room ever again. Not only because they both hated each other, but simply because I was a coward who never wanted to face my past and present all at once.

          I was in the mindset of letting the past rest and building up to your present and hoping the present would lead to a great future. That was what I was wanting with James.

          Not to say that I didn't love Chris, because I think I did, in my own way I did love him. And maybe that love wasn't enough for me to stay with him and not go back running into the arms of a man who had hurt me so much when Chris was promising me nothing but happiness, removed from any pain and suffering I had endured with James Darcy, but deep within me, there was still that hunger and panic at the thought of never having James in my life again.

          So that's why I went back to him. I went back to James when Chris was promising me all the love that I had ever wanted-pain free, because although I loved Chris, I could see myself live without him and still be okay. With James Darcy, well that was another thing on its own.

          "Well, this was most certainly pleasant but I must be going now." This quickly brought me back to what my mind had quickly escaped. I looked over at Chris who wasted no time making his way towards the doors of the hospital I noticed for the billionths time, never actually stayed close for more than two minutes, seeing as it was one of the most popular and famous hospitals not only in New York, but also in the whole country.

         "Chris" I called out after him but really it was more so an impulse as I had nothing to say. What could I have possibly said? Sorry for being a shitty person? I promise I did love you? Don't feel so bad about my leaving you, James and I are having problems anyway so at least you could find pleasure in that.

         Chris turned around to meet my eyes but never once stopped moving. As if he couldn't wait to get as far away from me as possible. Who could blame him?

         He smiled. And though it wasn't the usual one that was so bright and beautiful that you simply couldn't resist smiling back, I still realized that I've missed it so much. I've missed him smiling at me. Because that smile made me happy.

         "Have a wonderful life, Charlotte and let's never do this again. Sounds great?" And with that, he was gone and all I could stare at were the doors closing back behind him.

            I don't know how long I stood there staring at the doors for. I didn't know what I was waiting for. For him to come back and yell at me, make a scene, anything really. Anything other than that because then it would have meant he was upset. Because you see, the nonchalance that he had showed me, well that shit hit me more than I thought it would.

          I shouldn't have cared that he wasn't much more upset than I thought he would be. That was childish and selfish of me. After all, it had been years and that was inconsiderate of me to have even a little glimpse of hope that he had any emotions or even a little soft spot left for me. It was ridiculous for me to think that he wouldn't have moved on just like I did.

         "Charlotte."

          I shook my head as a soft chuckle escaped my lips. I had, for a moment, forgotten that James was still standing there. I looked right at him and prayed that what I was feeling at that instant was not showing on my face.

          No such luck. I cursed under my breath as I quickly chased away that single tear that would so dare to escape my eye.

          "We should go before we are late for the doctor's appointment. I can't wait to see our baby's face." He said and extended his arm to me. I nodded, smiled softly and grabbed the hand offered.

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         The whole car ride was spent in silence which was okay because I still had nothing to say. My thoughts were occupied by things I had buried deep within me that I had manage to never go back and revisit. What would be the purpose of such things anyway?

         I was happy with James. And when you're happy, you don't go looking for memories of a past you shared with someone else. Chris was my past and the day I said yes to James, the day I opened my door and let James Darcy in, I willingly put Chris in that box and locked that away.

         Now though, now the box was open and all was coming crashing and I was overwhelmed with memories. So many memories of happiness and laughter and autumn days spent in bed in nothing but our sleeping attires. Of Chris telling me about his favorite thing in the world -his mother's chicken pot pie- or that time when he was nine and his sister was seven and they decided that they would take turn giving each other hair cuts, to their mother's horror.

         I loved hearing stories of him as a young child because they were so different than my own. I loved hearing of the love his family shared. I loved hearing how happy he was because that made me happy. Of how him and his sister were always welcomed back from school with a glass full of fresh homemade lemonade and freshly baked cookies because he had one of those mothers who loved her children so much that much of her happiness came from seeing them happy and doing all she could to always keep a smile on their faces.

         He also told me of his father and how he wasn't always the way he was now. How once upon a time, they were a happy family and his father cared much more for the happiness of his wife and kids than of politics of business and that he doesn't know where along the way of his growing up, his father lost touch of what was important and that his parents' love suffered because of that.

         I loved hearing him talk about all and nothing. That, that made me happy.

          Memories, so many memories of he and I because you didn't spend a year of happiness with someone and not have all of these memories packed away. The nights when we didn't feel like going out so he turned on the fireplace and put on his favorite jazz vinyl record and all night long we would be dancing. My body against his. My head on his chest and then he would whisper in my ear while we slow danced.

        "This is happiness. I'm happy. You make me happy. Thank you."

          I had loved this man and deep within me, I knew I should have loved him harder because he deserved all the love in the world.

         So this, this was why I couldn't go looking at those memories because it made me feel like a piece of shit.

         "Pull over." I was barely able to get out as a wave of nausea hit me all of the sudden.

          "Charlotte?" James took his eyes off the road long enough to check on me.

          "Pull over I feel sick." I said as another wave hit me. I gagged and held on to the vehicle's door handle and waited no more than a few seconds after James pulled into an alley, to open the door and let out all I had for breakfast and lunch.

          I felt sick. And it had nothing to do with the baby that was growing inside of me, and all to do with the guilt I felt toward Chris.

         Fuck me!

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           "Are you alright?" James asked as I was finally able to pull myself up and my body right back into the SUV. He handed me a bottle of fiji water. I thanked him and grabbed the bottle before swallowing half of it's content before I felt okay to speak.

         "Yeah, I'll be okay. It's nothing, just the baby, you know?" I lied. Of course I lied. How could I tell James that I felt so guilty about Chris that it literally made sick to my stomach?

          I glanced quickly at James who was still watching my with concern. I tried to smile. Which maybe worked as he unbuckled himself out of the seat belt and leaned over to give me a kiss on the temple. I closed my eyes and sighed. I was exhausted and something told me this was only the beginning of something that I wasn't so sure I was ready for.

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I hope you had all a great 4th of July. My birthday is 4th of August. Woot woot. Lol, okay, See you very soon!!!!