Ch. 17: Pain

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        They often say that the people closest to you hurt you the most. They also say that sometimes, the people you care about the most hurt you the worst.

            You know those sayings exist, you may even know someone who's had similar things happen to them, but you seem to always put that past you. We all think that we are immune to it, that things like that would never happen to us...until it does and possibly shatters your world.

           It really was painful to watch this, but regardless of what it made me feel, I kept staring through the SUV's darkened window at the two individuals sitting at the café across the street and simply felt numb.

           That, you see, is what pain and anger do to you.

            When that emotion, that feeling is so intense that it completely numbs you and you are left with the reality of things hitting you right in the face. And even when you try to lie to yourself as to what you're actually witnessing, what's displayed in front of you, there's no way you could actually turn things around in your mind to make yourself feel better.

           There was a thought that crossed my mind while I sat there and kept staring at the two individuals across the street, the woman laughing with the child sitting at the same table, while she used her finger to wipe away the excess of whatever he was eating that had somehow made its way to his cheek. The man smiled softly and shook his head slightly while watching them.

           They looked....happy. They looked like a family and I think that's what was scaring me the most; the fact that the picture in front of me fit perfectly like a doll's playhouse, brought together in harmony, in sweetest of ways. The perfect family. If I hadn't known who those people were, I would have smiled fondly at their little family and thought, see, this is how it's supposed to be, this easy, this beautiful, this perfect.

           But that wasn't the case. Because you see, as beautiful and perfect as it might have looked on the surface, there definitely was something amiss about the whole picture. The foundation of this perfection was weakened by the lies that hold it all together. Lies at the expense of others.

           All that glitters.

           However, this is far from gold, even though it might look like it. Careful or we might all be fooled.

           I only noticed my hands had started shaking when Rose placed hers above them. I turned toward her, her eyes were red and wet. And in that instant, my lips started quivering, and so did the rest of my body. It felt as though it was getting difficult to breathe. I needed to calm down. This was not who I was and if in the past I had been this person, well that could not be me. I was stronger than this.

           "It's okay, it's okay. Char, breathe. Breathe. It's alright." She pulled me into a hug. Part of me felt detached from this whole moment, trying to control my emotions. Yes, this was painful to watch, the betrayal was real, but I couldn't go into this situation with wild thoughts.

          You often hear people say to one another, pull yourself together, and you think to yourself that you're definitely strong enough that no one would ever need to say this to you. You've got your feelings under control, you were the master of poker faces, you've been through too much to let things get to you easily.

            Then comes the day you find yourself having to hear those words because you were so completely out of it that you needed someone to pull you back from the depth of those emotions. You see, you suddenly realize that you've been lying to yourself, that maybe you weren't as strong as you thought you were, or maybe you had your weakness, just like superman. But you see, you had your own kind of Kryptonite, and that simply was one single female.

        Rose finally let me go. I cleared my throat and dabbed a finger at the corner of my eyes to catch those tears. There was no way in hell I would let them fall. "We should go, I lost my appetite." I turned my focus back on James and Jemma and kept staring.

           "Are you sure?" Rose asked and without taking my eyes off them, I responded by nodding.

           "Yeah, we should go."

          "Okay." She noted. The second she started pulling away from the curb, I grabbed my phone and sent a single word in a text message to James.

           Liar.

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             James has been calling me, of course he has. He's even been calling Rose because he knew we were spending the afternoon together. So when I felt my phone vibrate on the tab between Rose and I, I didn't even attempt to pick it up.

           Rose watched me. "You should pick it up, see what he says."

            "I'm not in the right set of mind yet, so it's better that I pull myself back together before talking to him."

           What I needed instead, was a drink or ten, which was exactly why in front of me sat five tequila shots, all lined up and ready to be swallowed. So yeah I needed a drink and was even more pissed that I couldn't drink them since I was pregnant. Because even though I was haboring a deep rage in the confinement of my heart, I couldn't do this to our baby, not anymore. I've learned from my mistakes at least.

           "Are you ready?" I asked Rose who sat across the table from me, staring intently at the shot glasses lined up on the table. She took a deep breath and looked at me before nodding.

           I picked up the first glass, brought it to my nose for a quick sniff before passing it to her which she downed the second it was in her hand, grimacing and simultaneously groaning as the liquid hit her throat. She put the empty glass down and opened her eyes when she was finally able too. Tequila had never been her drink of choice, but it was mine though.

            "Okay, hit me." She said and for that, I couldn't love her any more than I already did at that very moment. I picked up another glass and repeated the sniffing before passing it to her. And just like the other one, she quickly downed it.

          This was what I was reduced to, but that was okay. My baby's well-being was obviously more important than my wanting to drown my sorrows in alcohol, though I was grateful I had Rose there willingly taking those shots for me.

            The last time I had found myself sitting at a bar and drinking that much, had been with my coworker Layla who had recently broken up with her longtime boyfriend. I must have heard her say to me, don't ever fall in love because it would make you more vulnerable to getting hurt. Granted, she, was herself nursing a broken heart but there was a part of me that agreed with her. Loving someone did make you vulnerable and sometimes, even weak, because you are willingly opening the doors to your heart and just praying that said person wouldn't destroy it.

           The truth was that before James, I hadn't known love like this and that had played a big part in why the beginning of our relationship was the way it was. And yes I love Rose, but the love I had for her was completely different than what I felt for him and trying to come to term with those feelings was hard. It was complicated. Wanting to be loved by this man so much so that I had been vulnerable, weak, I had let things slide because I thought this was his way of showing me he loved me. And I guess in a way, it was.

             James has not had it easy in life and hadn't known how to deal with some of his emotions he encountered with me and that had been a challenge on its own until he decided to seek help. Well this was before and this is now. And now, being with James this second time around taught me an important lesson about love; it is the most addicting thing that you would ever come across. Because the other truth was, I was addicted to him and to the way loving him and being with him made me feel, which was why it also hurt the worst. It was like a drug really. The highs were fucking great but the lows were the fucking bad, just horrible. Yet you still craved it. How could something that brought you so much pleasure and happiness could hurt you this bad?

           "Ready for another one?" I asked Rose who looked down at the three shots left on the table and nodded.

               "Hit me."

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