I couldn't sleep and of course we all knew what was to blame for that. And while James was laying peacefully next to me, dreaming away into nothingness, I found myself tossing and turning, trying to find a spot to accommodate my heavy heart so that I could also finally set sail into dreamland.

        Seeing Jemma this afternoon rattled me to the core because her apparition was a direct threat to my family and I was known to not do so well with people threatening what was mine.

       So yeah, I couldn't sleep, and if I wanted to be honest, I would admit that I hadn't been able to think about anything else other than that little encounter. It got me wondering why, after all this time, she would finally decide to show up here to disrupt our peace of mind.

        We, as a family had been through a lot. And it had taken so much from all of us to get through it and to make our situation, how ever unconventional it is, work.

       When I had come into Sebastian's life, he was barely five months old and had only been living with Royce for a little over two months by then. I didn't know what I was doing at the time, I had never taken care of a child prior to that, but it also didn't stop me. I knew, that very moment when I picked him up and he stopped crying that I wouldn't be able to stay out of his life. It hadn't even mattered who his mother was. All that mattered to me at that time was him, this beautiful child with those deep blue eyes and that toothless grin.

       Sebastian deserved a mother in his life, though at that time I hadn't thought of myself as that, more like a caregiver. I had wanted him to never have to miss the love of a mother. And even though I wasn't his mother, I wanted to love him as if I were.

        Maybe subconsciously, it was my way of paying my due, of asking for forgiveness for what I had done. Maybe I hadn't known it then, but my mind wanted to make up for what I had lost.

         So I took it upon myself to love him as if he was my own and to cherish every milestone of his life. This had been, the best decision of my life because this child had shown me what this kind of joy and happiness was really like. I didn't know my parents and that absence had always weighted heavily on my heart. Growing up without a mother had thought me so much and the lack of that love had brought me to seek love in the wrong places.

       I didn't want him to have to go through what I had been through. I knew that Royce would be a great father and provider, but nothing could replace a mother's love. And of I couldn't replace it, then I promised myself that I would be just that for him.

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        This was hopless, I obviously wasn't going to be able to fall asleep anytime soon in the state I was in, so I did the only rational thing and opened my eyes to find the room completely consumed by darkness. It took my eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness but the second it did, I reached over to James and shook him awake before turning on the small lamp on the bedside table next to the bed. James squinted, then gradually opened his eyes to find me laying on my side and staring at him.

        "I hate her." I started before he could say anything. There was this rage in me that was slowly but steadily consuming me and I was scared that if I didn't let it out, it would end up destroying me. I hated her, plain and simple and I wanted it to be known. "I hate her so goddamn much that I don't know where to put the extra hatred I have for her. I hate her fucking face, I hate her stupid fucking fake ass breasts. I hate the fact that she thinks she could just walk back into our lives like that and take what's mine. I hate the fact that her being here affects me so much. I Fucking HATE her. Who does she even think she is, barging in on us like that. I should have punched her stupid fucking face when I had the chance." I was panting by the time I was done. I had so much more to say, but nothing that I could say would truly show how I felt deep inside.

        "You want a hug?" James asked calmly after I had stopped ranting, which, for no other reason than the fact that I was upset, made me want to punch him instead. Why the fuck was he this calm when all there was inside of me was fire. So much fire, burning everything.

       "No!" I replied and couldn't care less if my irritation showed in my voice. If I couldn't punch the stupid bitch in the face, at least I could direct my anger elsewhere, even if it were at James.

        "Yes, you do," he countered then grabbed my arm and pulled me in. "Come here." I pretended to fight him off, because what good would it do to give in easily? I needed an outlet for that monster currently residing inside of me. Eventually though, I gave up and let him hold me tightly.

        We stayed like that for what felt like forever, our bodies against one another, coming together and unified, made whole. Until finally, when I felt like I could breathe again on my own, I pulled slightly back.

        Our eyes met and James, with the warm body and the tousled hair, with the gentle hands and the way he knew me so well, smiled softly. "I don't want her to take him from me." I confessed, my voice breaking and my heart raw.

        "She won't." James replied

        "She's his mother."

         "You are his mother. Somehow, you seem to be forgetting that."

       I shook my head and then sighed, finally letting go of James. He didn't stop me and I silently thanked him for that. "I remember when Sebastian was nine months old and he contracted an acute ear infection. Poor baby was so miserable and for two days straight he couldn't sleep, all he did was cry and cry, and cry. Nothing Royce and I did seemed to help. Nothing the doctor prescribed seemed to be working quickly enough either. So I was there powerless and unable to make things better for him. This was one of the worse moments of my life. To be there and yet being unable to help him. I wanted to make things better and I couldn't. Then there was a moment when it got so bad that we had to rush him to the ER a second time, that I thought, oh God, what if I lose him? What if this was it? What if this thing got the best of him and I lost my child? I can't even begin to describe how I felt at that moment. The realization that I might lose him, my baby. At that moment, it didn't matter that I wasn't his birth mother, it had no importance whatsoever. What mattered was that I loved him with all my heart. It was so unbearable and hopeless I thought that I might just die." I stopped speaking, realizing then that I had closed my eyes, so I opened them and noticed that things were blurry.

       "James," I continued. "That fear and panic I had felt through my whole being all those years ago, is nothing compared to what I feel now." A tear left through the corner of my eye and made its descent, traveling from my cheek to its final place right there on my shoulder.

       James used his finger and wiped away at my tears. I smiled sadly. "I promise to do everything in my power to never let that happen." He said, his voice, soft and resolved. The air in the room was thick with emotions and uncertainty on my part, but as I gaze into those eyes, I knew that I could at least find  confort in the fact that James had never broken a promise made to me and I was counting on him to keep his word this time around.

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       There would be another chapter soon where things would finally pick up. Shit's about to get crazy! Please don't forget to vote.