"What are you wearing?"

"Your blood if you think that's an actual appropriate question to ask me right now."

"No, no, no, I mean- well that was graphic. Really? You wouldn't even entertain me at all?"

"I thought you were trying to convince me not to murder you. Update: You are not doing well. Try harder."

"Right! Well, what I originally meant was, I was working today and I saw a girl come in and she was staring at me a lot. At first I thought I was being paranoid, but then Connie brought it up and Connie doesn't give a shit about my ego, so she can't be lying. At first I was like, shit, there's something on my face. But then when I checked in the mirror and there was nothing on my face. Then I came to the awesome realization that you, Mina, had give in to temptation and could no longer ignore your heart telling you to go see Parker, and you were so in awe you couldn't even say anything." 

"Using your deductive reasoning there, Mr. Holmes?"

"Well, why else would a girl be staring at me?"

"Weren't you the one saying you looked sexy in a visor?"

"Oh. Oh. Maybe I am a hot commodity around here. Ha. I'm hot. Would you look at that. Suck on that world, I'm a total beefcake. Wait- no! You're trying to trick me! Deflection! It was totally you, wasn't it?"

"How disappointed are you going to be if it wasn't?"

"Like, ten dissapointed."

"Well, I guess you should start counting then."

"Come on! She looked exactly like you!"

"Again, you have no idea what I look like. Maybe I don't even have a face, who knows? Maybe it was eaten by birds. You'd never know. I could be birds-ate-my-face girl."

"You can't lie to me, Mina. I know, okay? You're a total babe. We went over this with the dick boyfriend thing."

"I'm not sure, do you know? That what you're saying- that isn't logic? Are you aware that what you're saying is stupid? I honestly can't tell at this point."

"Also, mean girls are always hot girls. There was a whole movie about this. Are you trying to tell me that Lindsay Lohen would lie to me? Because honestly, if you are, I don't think we can continue to be friends."

"So this girl, the one that was staring at you, you're completely sure that you didn't have something on your face?" 

"Is that jealousy that you can't pull off a visor half as well as me?"

"Are you under the impression that visors are sexy?"

"They are when it's the only thing I'm wearing."

"Oh God."

"Honestly though- am I ever going to meet you?"

"Well that was sudden."

"We've been talking for months, I think that's the exact opposite of sudden."

"... I guess, you're right. I don't know. It makes sense that we should."

"Really?" 

"I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. Of just dropping in to your work one day just to see what you look like. I felt like that might be cheating, though. Since I have an unfair advantage."

"That's weirdly nice of you."

"I almost got Marie to do some surveillance, but I stopped her. She's very interested in seeing who you are, though. She really likes you."

"I'm flattered."

"I think it's mostly because you're not my boyfriend, though."

"That is my best quality."

"Do you want to meet me?"

"Have you ever gotten that impression from me? Because if so, then you are totally misinformed. I never want to meet you. Ever. And all those times I said I got boners? Those were also lies."

"I'm going to pretend the last part wasn't sarcasm."

"Of course I do. I'm pretty sure Beauregard would like to know what his mom looks like. I bet he has your eyes."

"Let's do it then."

"Yeah?"

"If you're not wearing plaid though, I will be severly disappointed." 

"As if I would even try to meet you without using my sexy lesbian lumberjack charms."

"This weekend, then?"

"That's days- days!- away. How am I supposed to survive that? You can just taunt my heart like that, Mina. I'm fragile."

"You've made it the last couple of months, you can make it until the weekend."

"I'm going to piss myself."

"Please don't."

"Too late! Can't back out now! Parker and Mina are meeting! The long-awaited conclusion has finally come! Will there be fireworks? Will there be drama? What will happen when they finally see each other face-to-face?"

"Stop narrating. I'm hanging up."

"Will there be lo-"

"..."

"You hung up. Well, either way, I guess we'll find out." 

***

subtle reference ily if you get it also these last 10 chapters omg

also deds to christina bc she's precious ♥