"Um, hello?"

"So when it says call for a good time, is that like a sex thing, or like a really intense game of monopoly thing? Because honestly, I might be down for both. Depending on what kind of snacks you provide."

"I- what? What are you talking about? Who is this?"

"Well the bathroom stall says that this number is the gateway to a good time, and unless you're trying to say that a bathroom stall is lying to me, I think I need a little more information be sold. Do you have like a yelp page I could look up? Past customer reviews? How many stars out of five?"

"What are yo- oh my god, I'm going to fucking kill Marie."

"Ah, so I see, murder is the aforementioned good time. Depending on how much you flesh out the storyline, I think I can dig it. Are we the villains, what's our motives, where's the romance?"

"Okay. I think you should be calling a therapist, not a prostitute- which I am not, by the way. So forget this number and find yourself a phone book instead."

"But I thought we were going to commit murder together? Are you bailing on me after everything we've been through? Friday night is free for me, by the way."

"Wait- which bathroom stall did you say? I need to destroy this. And then destroy her. Fuck Marie."

"This lovely conversation is being brought to you by the men's bathroom stall in Fat Cat's by Highland Plaza."

"Of course she would do this. I hate her. I knew she wasn't over the fact that I ate her leftover pizza- I knew it. I can't believe she's my best friend."

"You should really choose better taste in friends."

"Aren't you the one who's soliciting sex from- wait, men's bathroom stall? You're soliciting sex while taking a shit?"

"I can neither confirm nor deny these allegations."

"Are you still taking a dump right now?"

"..."

"Did you just hang up on me?"

***

please be gentle, i'm new to this.

updates every wednesday + saturday

also ded to claudia 'cause her levels of sass are top-tier and goals