"And what is Mina up to on this fine Wednesday afternoon?"

"You're sounding oddly chipper today, what's up? I'd asked if you finally got laid, but we both know that definitely didn't happen."

"I'm in such a good mood that your meanness can't get to me. Nothing can get to me. My faith in karma has been restored and everything is right in the world."

"Well, go on, I can tell you're dying to tell me."

"Don't act like you don't wanna know, come on. You're dying to know aren't you? But I mean, if I totally mis-read you and you're not at all interested-"

"Shut up and tell me, or so help me, I am going to find your house and pour itchy powder all over your bed."

"You don't know where I live."

"You underestimate my determination."

"All right, all right, Sherlock Holmes. You've broken me down, I'll tell you- oh man, when I found out it was like a light pouring down from the heavens, the stars all aligned so beautifully-"

"You're so bad at talking, I don't get it, you do it so much."

"My brother is cheating on my ex!" 

"And this is... good news?"

"I think you mean, the best news." 

"You guys are all weird, the lot of you. I so want none of everything you guys are."

"Well, you're already talking to a guy you've never met on the phone on a weekly basis because your best friend wrote your number down as a prostitution hot line, so you can't escape us now. One of us! One of us!"

"I am not drinking your Kool-Aid, Parker."

"But I make such good Kool-Aid, though."

"I honestly don't think you can screw up powder and water, so, just don't put it on your resume is all I'm saying."

"That's okay, everything's okay, there is justice in this world and that's all that matters."

"How do you know, anyways?"

"I heard my brother talking to some girl on the phone, something about a date, I don't know, but my ex was downstairs so it definitely wasn't her."

"Does she really just hang out at your place still?"

"You act as if my dignity is even an afterthought in anyone's lives."

"Man, you guys are really weird."

"Well now you're one of us now, so, you're also really weird. It's official. You can't escape now. I have dragged you into this shit-show." 

"Well, I- okay don't make this weird."

"Don't make what weird?"

"It's not the worst shit-show to be dragged into, I think."

"... Be still, my heart." 

"I hate you."

"And the lie-detector test confirms, that is a lie!" 

***

congrats on everyone who clicked this within the first twenty minutes of posting and you got to see the super-secret super-special gabby forgot to format her own damn story because she is an actual trash goblin version