Distance. Distance isn't a word you would use to describe your relationship as he pulls you close at night. There's no distance between the two of you as he lifts you up in the air during your nightly practice, strong hands firmly gripping your waist as you dance across the empty rink.

No.

But if one were to look past your smile, to wipe away the condensation and see clearly what's really going through your head when you were together with Mark, they might just name the dreadful feeling caving in your chest "distance".

Weeks have passed by since the hate message incident in Mark's room. You tried to pull out the arrow, to convince yourself it wasn't true and that you could ignore it just like all the rest. Alas, its words struck so deep, you still bleed.

It poisons your thoughts. Your anxieties had already worsened and you found yourself pulling away from his affections, afraid of the way the people walking past might somehow be talking about you.

Mark is starting to have his suspicions too, flashing you concerned looks when you uncomfortably shrug his arm off your shoulders in public. To you, it's because you're scared of the 'hateful' stares from others. To him, it's a riddle he can't solve.

Because when it's just the two of you, you let yourself relax. Like yin and yang, you fight an internal battle between how much you adore your boyfriend and how terrified you are that you aren't good enough for him. When it's just the two of you alone, you stop running and let him close the distance.

Right now is one of those rare times - the familiar cold and scraping of ice below your skates bringing you peace.

Mark glides easily beside you on the empty rink. He's improved a lot, much to your astonishment. A golden boy through and through, he proves that there's nothing he can't do as he conquers each move you show him.

Coach Tanya was surprised when you spoke with her after practice one day to notify her that you'd decided to pair with Mark Lee, captain of the hockey team, for the winter competition. Her thin eyebrows were perked in playful judgement when you started to defend yourself, ready to bring up Yuna's accident and your financial situation before she stopped you: "You're my best skater, y/n, and I look forward to your performance. Work hard, captivate your audience, and you just might win".

Watching Mark skate on ahead of you in the borrowed skates he makes do with, you can't wait to prove her right.

"What are we going to practice tonight, y/n?," Mark asks as he arcs a wide circle around you.

"I think you've gotten most of the basics down, so let's go over the first part of the choreography," you decide, grabbing onto his hand and giggling as he swings you around with him.

"We have choreography?,"Mark lifts your arm up to twirl you around. He stops you as you face him, a laugh leaving your lips before he smothers them with kisses. His fingers tickle at the hem of your shirt, cold to your bare skin. You squeal, the sound carrying eerily over the spacious rink.

"I thought about it a lot in my head," you explain as you shove him away gaily, "and I planned a bit during my own practices. It's not done yet, but I think we can make it work".

"My talented, beautiful girl," Mark murmurs, catching up to you and wrapping you in a back hug. You sigh blissfully, catching his warm lips in the crook of your neck.

"Mark, we seriously do have to practice. The festival's only a month away," you mumble. Some nights, let's just say, you spend more time in the locker room showers than you do on the ice. Using your best intuition, Mark's lips travelling down towards your collarbones equals not a lot of practice time. And as much as you want for him to distract you all night long, you have to put your skate down and bring your boyfriend back to focus on the task at hand.

He huffs slightly against your skin, but releases you obediently.

"It's gonna start like this," you swiftly continue on, positioning your arm gracefully behind Mark's head, "put your hand here," you move his hand behind your back like you had planned, "and tilt your head to look at me,". You tip his jaw slightly so he now peers down at you, face not inches from yours.

Dropping your gaze, you maintain what little self control you have and refrain from thinking about the locker room. It's right by the rink exit. It'd be so easy to just...

"And then?," Mark whispers, voice low, waiting patiently in the starting position. His hand is warm against your back, but it tugs at your heartstrings too.

"And then you're gonna spin me out like we practiced before". You help him perform the motion, unfurling yourself from his grip and gliding down to spin a slow circle around.

You bring him slowly through the rest of the introduction, Mark copying the moves diligently.

"Then when I skate back to you, lift me up in the air like we did last time. You think you can do it?," you question. The move you're about to attempt is quite difficult - a little dangerous, even, since Mark is still a beginner - but you trust him to never hurt you.

"I can do it," he confirms confidently, holding his arms out to receive you.

"Okay, slow at first," you nod, skating up to him at half-speed, grabbing onto his shoulders to help lift yourself above his head. Mark's strong hands connect with your body, hoisting you up by your waist and balancing your body carefully above his. Muscles burning, you steady yourself as he twirls you slowly down.

"Alright, again," you command.

The two of you repeat the move, steadily increasing the speed until the lift is smooth to your satisfaction.

"I think that was pretty good," you compliment, slightly out of breath.

"Only because of you," Mark endears, panting as he rests his chin atop your hair.

You sigh into his chest, the comforting feeling of his palpitating heartbeat washing over you.

If only it could always be like this.

"y/n?," Mark mumbles. His tone was almost unsure, as if he was about to say something you don't want to hear.

You hum an affirmation.

"Is everything okay these days?," he asks the question you dread answering, "I know," he continues before you can blurt out your default lie, "I know you keep saying that it is, but I feel like...you know you can tell me anything, right?".

Mark changes his phrasing midway, always taking your feelings into consideration. The all too familiar wave of guilt fills you up to your ears and you step slightly away. The stadium is dim, only lit by the natural light of the night sky, but you can see the concern that creases his face out in your peripheral vision.

Your eyes focus instead on his jacket button. The second from the top has a few loose threads.

And that's just how you feel too; the button was made for this coat - it wants to hang on and be there forever. But how could it persist when the world wants to rip it off?

"It's nothing," you insist bitterly, your peaceful mood tainted gray. You were so close to successfully ending another day without confronting your demons. Why must Mark sense it so well?

Please stop, Mark. Please stop.

"I don't think it's nothing". There's nothing but kindness and concern in his voice, but when he reaches his hand out to you, fear overcomes your rationality and you jerk yourself away.

"It is nothing!," you exclaim, overly defensive. Half of your mind screams at you to halt, to filter your words before you say something you would regret, but the fuse was already lit and they come tumbling out anyway. "Can you please stop asking? It's annoying,".

A beat passes. Two. Five.

The sharp words tear through your mouth like knives, but even then you can't stop to think. The energy in the rink changed so quickly, your head spins with shock. Turning away from the pained expression you don't want to see, you skate quickly towards the exit.

The ice is solid as ever, but why does it feel like you're sinking?